Is it ever okay to cheat in a relationship? Even it save it?

LegacyUser · 24-01-2015 12:33PM #1

Hey

About a year ago my girlfriend and I broke up for a short time, during this time she slept with someone else, a rebound. She told me this when we got back together. Only for later on to find that the person who she slept with secretly recorded it and sent it to me because he was all messed up and had fallen for her. I couldn't see anything happening but heard it all.

You see we got together way back when both of us were virgins, so until this point we had only let each other into those places. I know that technically she didn't cheat on me but I am having a very hard time getting over it, to the point that Im ruining our relationship because I keep bringing it up. Im not doing it on purpose but pretty much every day I feel ill about it, and at least have a passing thought about it.

I try so hard to forget it and move on but I just cant. I feel like as though the only way for me to move on is for me to sleep with someone else and its killing me because I know that I only want her, but if I dont then I will end up loosing her.

So my question is that if it were to come down to the last option available, the only way to save our relationship, do you think its okay to do?

retro:electro · 24-01-2015 02:49PM

Are you for real? Like how is that even a serious question?
The poor girl. She slept with someone else when ye were on a break, no harm there, only for some sicko to record it and send it to you when ye get back together. And now you are thinking about cheating on her to make yourself feel better?? What planet are you living on? It's her I feel sorry for in all of this, not you. What that guy did to her is so deplorable, and you want to "fix things" but realistically matters worse by being unfaithful. If you think by you cheating your relationship will be "saved" you are incredibly naive. Do you give any thought to your girlfriend's feelings at all?

skallywag · 24-01-2015 03:08PM

The eye-for-an-eye strategy is not always what it's cracked up to be (even though in any case there is no real relevance here anyway, seeing as ye were not actually together at the time).

I seriously doubt that your plan would make you more at ease with yourself, in fact it would most likely even lower your inner peace further with guilt.

bee06 · 24-01-2015 03:11PM

You think cheating will save your relationship because you'll be "even". But you won't be even will you? She slept with someone when you were broken up. You'll be sleeping with someone when you are supposed to be in a committed relationship with someone who trusts you.

What will mostly likely happen will be you will feel guilty about cheating on your girlfriend and using some other girl to do it. Your girlfriend will most likely find out and feel betrayed and your relationship will be over anyway. She won't be buying your "we're even now" crap.

You need to find a way of getting over what happened or break up with her now.

Big Bag of Chips · 24-01-2015 03:20PM

Ok... You were virgins when you got together. What if you weren't? What if you were but she had slept with one person before you? Would you then think you have to go out and even up the numbers?

She has slept with one more person than you. That's it. If you can't handle that then break up with her.. But think about your next gf. Are you going to look for someone who is a virgin? Or who has had only one other partner? What if you find a girl who is a virgin, but it upsets her that you're not?

What you are suggesting is ridiculous. If you can't get over the fact that she slept with someone else then finish with her. Cheating won't save your relationship. It sounds like sex is a big deal and is important to you. Don't cheapen it by trying to get even. That's not going to work out for you.

LegacyUser · 24-01-2015 03:39PM

Im not suggesting that I get even. That is not what I am talking about... the reason behind my thought was that it will make me realise that its not actually that big of a deal.

I feel like it will force me to realise that sex can mean nothing in some cases. And I know that what I am suggesting is horrible, but I feel like it may be my only option, because I love her too much to let her go but this is also causing so much pain for me (which I know deep down is unreasonable)

Username here · 24-01-2015 04:08PM

IsItEverOkaytoCheat wrote: »

I try so hard to forget it and move on but I just cant. I feel like as though the only way for me to move on is for me to sleep with someone else and its killing me because I know that I only want her, but if I dont then I will end up loosing her.

My emphasis above.
There's a lot about YOU up there.

How do you reconcile only wanting her, and having sex with someone else?

And put the shoe on the other foot: let's say you guys broke up, you had sex with someone else, and your ex didn't; you get back together, she has difficulty processing this, so she has sex with someone else. You find out about it, and she explains it by saying she was trying to save your relationship. Do you think you'd consider that a reasonable thing for her to do, for her to have sex with someone else to "save the relationship"???

iusedtoknow · 24-01-2015 04:31PM

You're trying to justify going and having sex with someone, lets not make any bones about it. Have you actually thought about HOW this will make things better - seriously? Do you picture your GF thanking you for going off and and sleeping with someone else?

Either break up with the girl and go sow your wild oats somewhere else - or suck it up and get on with your relationship.

kylith · 24-01-2015 04:50PM

IsItEverOkayToCheat wrote: »

Im not suggesting that I get even. That is not what I am talking about... the reason behind my thought was that it will make me realise that its not actually that big of a deal.

I feel like it will force me to realise that sex can mean nothing in some cases. And I know that what I am suggesting is horrible, but I feel like it may be my only option, because I love her too much to let her go but this is also causing so much pain for me (which I know deep down is unreasonable)

So to do that you're going to ruin your relationship with your gf and use some other woman for your own ends, regardless of her feelings? And what about your gf? She had someone betray her trust by not only recording her without her permission but by sending the recording to people, and now you're proposing to betray her trust again? You, who say that you love her?!?!?

If you can't get over the fact that your current gf slept with someone else WHEN YE WERE SPLIT UP then do her a favour and break up with her.

Penny Tration · 24-01-2015 04:59PM

I think you should break up with her.

If you loved her as much as you say you do, you wouldn't be thinking that you need to shag someone else to 'save' the relationship.

She did absolutely nothing wrong, but you want to do something extremely wrong.

If that's really how you feel, let her go find someone who won't betray her and who won't blame her for doing nothing wrong.

Keane2baMused · 24-01-2015 05:25PM

You've left one important word out of your post. You are JEALOUS. Jealous that someone else was with your then ex and can't deal with the fact that her life moved on somewhat when you broke up.

You will not feel better by cheating on her. It will ruin your relationship plain and simple. I think the fact that you are seriously considering cheating as an option says alot about you as a person. If you truly loved her you would never want to hurt her like that just to make yourself feel better.

You're acting very selfish and extremely immature. Either man up and get over it or let the girl go and find someone else.

Big Bag of Chips · 24-01-2015 07:08PM

If you want to have sex that is meaningless, why not discuss that with your gf? Tell her of your plan. Tell her it will mean nothing, it's just something you need to do, for the good of your relationship. If you have that conversation, and she agrees to it, then everyone is happy. If you know that you can't have that conversation with her, then you know what you're planning has the potential to destroy your relationship.

You choose.

Stavro Mueller · 24-01-2015 07:39PM

I really pity your girlfriend. It's bad enough that she slept with someone who was twisted enough to secretly record and forward the video. Now it seems she's with someone who's burning up with rage, jealousy and is contemplating revenge over something that wasn't her fault. It's moral support the poor girl needs, not a boyfriend who's thinking the way you do. If I typed what I truly think of you and your despicable, twisted plan, I'd have a red or yellow card sitting beside this post in jig time. It's professional help you need if this is the way you're thinking. Actually no: what you need to do is break up with this poor unfortunate girl. She doesn't deserve to be going out with someone who thinks like you.

Beaner1 · 24-01-2015 07:53PM

You will never get over this, trust me. This other baxtard dropped a hand grenade on your relationship.

Penny Tration · 24-01-2015 08:09PM

I can echo Stavro's post.

Op, I really think you need to speak to your gp. The way you're thinking and reacting is scary. Really scary. Sick, if I'm to be honest.

I genuinely don't know any man who would think in such a twisted, vengeful way.

Your girlfriend was recorded having sex, without her knowledge, and that recording passed around.

After such a sick, horrible betrayal, you think it'd be a good idea to betray her even more? Is your intention to destroy this poor girl emotionally? Because that's what you're planning to do.

Leave her alone. Let her find someone who ACTUALLY loves and cares for, someone who will support her when she needs it. It's very clearly not you.

Let her go. She deserves so much better.

Stavro Mueller · 24-01-2015 09:18PM

Out of curiosity, have you ever read about revenge porn? The devastating effect it has on its victims? You don't seem to have considered the impact this will have had on your gf. I've no doubt she worries about who else has seen the footage. Is she meeting people in her everyday life who've watched it? Is it out there in porny tubey land, being rated and commented upon by randomers who wish she'd do more of them? I'm confident that every time you drag this up, you put a knife through her heart. But no. All you can think about is that she did something you're jealous of when she was a single woman.

Holsten · 25-01-2015 12:51AM

My advise would be to end the relationship. She didn't cheat on you but you won't get over what she done anyway.

Better for both to cut free.

The guy that sent that to you is a scumbag and I'd advise you and her to stay away from him in the future.

Best of luck.

Toots · 25-01-2015 01:30AM

Honestly OP I'm staggered at your reaction to this. How long ago did you find out about the tape? If I was in your shoes I'd be reporting this guy to the Gardai! He recorded himself and your then-ex having sex. As if that wasn't bad enough, he did it without her consent. THEN he starts sending it to people! TBH, it sounds to me like he's either off his rocker, or is doing this to deliberately mess with your head. Either way, you'd be foolish to think that you're the only one who's seen this. And rather than looking for ways to help your GF, you're wondering if cheating on her is a way to salvage your relationship? Seriously?

I know it must have been very upsetting to hear the tape, but the thing you have to remember is she wasn't your GF at the time. She had every right to sleep with whomever she chose. If you really love her, you need to snap out of your pity party and try to help her come to terms with firstly a massive invasion of her privacy, and secondly, a betrayal by someone she trusted.

Think about how horrible she's feeling right now. She's probably mortified, devastated, and maybe ashamed. Then you come along and basically tell her that the only way YOU can get over it is by subjecting her to yet another betrayal. If you're concerned about your relationship now, well that would be a game ender. Or are you planning to do it without telling her? Then what happens if she finds out a year or two down the line?

Whether or not you realise it, you're punishing your GF by constantly bringing it up. And you'll be punishing her further if you sleep with someone else, but the poor girl hasn't done anything wrong. I think your best hope of saving your relationship is for you to see a counsellor, because you're not dealing with this well, and that's what's going to end up killing your relationship.

DeclanJWhite · 25-01-2015 01:51PM

Hello, my dear man :-)

I think what might help you to unfetter once again the love you bear to your sweetheart is if you discuss what made you break up in the first place - if you have discussion about the problems that were in the relationship before the break up. Explore in conversation all and any strains that were at the heart of your relationship and then also, if your girlfriend can confide in you all her good and bad feelings towards the brief encounter she had with this other guy who has crawled under your skin.

If you do all these repair works together, hopefully your relationship will be stronger and happier and you will have a newfound source of strength and trust.

If the boat of your relationship capsizes in this tempest, it won't have been because of the tempest itself, but because of the holes that were in the boat, which are not to do with the storm.

Is it ever okay to cheat in a relationship? Even it save it?

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