is a 6 year age gap too big?

LegacyUser · 16-01-2015 08:37PM #1

my husband and i were talking recently (for a few months now), we are financially good for the first time in 5 years and we are both thinking about having another baby, my husband also would like one of each gender, initially we said we'd have three, but as the years went by the time never felt right to go again, One of the main things stopping us is our first (and only child) at 5 we feel they wouldn't accept another sibling (and they have said as much with very strong feelings about it when the topic is brought up), and we know of so many adults in both our families who admit they hated their younger siblings when they came along as they were around 6 years old when it happened, one of whom it really messed them up and they developed a lot of issues over it, which now is worrying us greatly,

our home has 3 double bedrooms so we have plenty of room, financially we could do more this time around (we feel we missed out a lot the first time around because we struggled so much financially we literally spent our days between work and other things and never could afford to buy or do much, this time i can be a stay at home mother and we will still be comfortable financially), we really want the chance to do it again properly (for want of a better way of putting how we feel). we also don't want our child to be an only child as so many people keep telling us how bad it is, i know i shouldn't listen to them but i do wonder what if when we get older they feel obligated to look after us because there is nobody else? what if they are lonely? i know you cannot protect them from everything but these are the irrational thoughts running through our minds. we are also surrounded by people having babies so yes we wonder has that got anything to do with it?

is this what they call mid life crisis, or should we go for what we think we want and have a baby?

tl:dr is a 6 year age gap between siblings too big?

pwurple · 17-01-2015 09:16AM

The short answer is no. There is an 8 year gap between me and one of my siblings and we get on great... Always have. If anything I think bigger age gaps give a bit of maturity and tolerance to the older one. When they are very close in age they can fight all day and all night over the same toys, same clothes, friends etc.

You've got a lot of other people's opinions in there. Your child thinks this (and really they should not be the boss!) And other people say that.. (Again, to be ignored).

What do you and your husband want?

Neyite · 17-01-2015 09:25AM

I was always closest to the siblings that were the furthest away age-wise. Now the youngest and oldest are as thick as thieves and there is a decade between them.

A five year olds current opinion should not have a bearing on your decision, of course you have to be mindful of giving him attention when a newborn is there, but they will grow to love their new sibling. Go with what your husband wants.

zl1whqvjs75cdy · 17-01-2015 09:28AM

5 years between me and my sister and we get on great.

Arciphel · 17-01-2015 09:36AM

Seven years between my sibling and I, five years between my kids. No complaints here! You also have the advantage that your eldest will be going to school so will give you some one on one time with your youngest. In my opinion you're overanalysing ;-)

volchitsa · 17-01-2015 09:36AM

There are 6 years between my and one of my siblings (though there's another less than a year younger, but I was too,young then to be jealous)

Anyway for the younger sibling, it was great having a baby brother, he was so much fun.

Also I have two myself and then an 8 and a 10 year gap, and they get on really well with their little sister. It was great for me compared to when the 2nd was born and the first was still a baby, they were old enough to do their own things and I found jealousy was far less of a problem than when the 2nd was a baby.

OTOH, maybe the jealousy is when the only child finds himself no longer "only" - but I don't think you can prevent that. In fact I'd say that the more pathologically jealous a child is, probably the better it would be for that child to have a sibling, so as to have to learn to share etc.

And finally, I think the relationship they have as children doesn't say much about the relationship they will have as adults - they can fight like mad as kids and be very close later. And it's worth remembering, because sibling relationships can be really important to adults, ime. You lose touch with friends, even good friends, but not your siblings.

tl;dr: go for it!

Jogathon · 17-01-2015 09:38AM

It sounds like your child badly needs a sibling to stop him ruling the roost! His feelings shouldn't have any bearing on what is an adult decision. He will love his younger sister/brother immediately...even if he has moments of jealousy at first.

There is a three year age gap between myself and my older sister, and then I was ten when my surprise brother came along. Best surprise ever!

Teyla Emmagan · 17-01-2015 09:43AM

Of course not. In fact it can be a very good thing for both children. Much less petty squabbling and fighting as they won't be interested in the same things. It can make ultimately for a very strong sibling relationship. It would be a very good thing for your existing child to have a younger brother or sister, will help them become more responsible.

My brother is 12 years younger than me and we have always got on like a house on fire, we never fought like my sister and i (2 years younger) did. There was never any competition there. And having a new sibling of a different gender was definitely a good thing for all our family.

_Brian · 17-01-2015 09:50AM

It's more how the parents handle things and up to the personality of the siblings that makes the difference.

The sibling I get in best with is my brother 16 years younger than me, brother in between doesn't get in with either if us near as well.

My girls have 6 years between them and they get on wonderfully. The eldest is 12 and although we have lots of room they opt to stay sharing their bedroom.

LegacyUser · 17-01-2015 03:41PM

gosh thank you for all the replies i didn't expect so many so soon.

all the large age gaps we hear of have a sibling in between. also while our child won't be deciding what we do, when other relatives have teased them about being a big sibling, each time the reaction was a most definite "no", "i am the baby/only child", "it's not going to happen" that kind of response so this is worrying us in a what if they never accept the sibling kind of way. while at the same time it does make us feel like they NEED a sibling.

i know i shouldn't listen to other people or care about what they say but that is a lot harder to do in practice especially when they are voicing the niggling fears you have running through your mind but i am the kind of person who never let fear stop me from achieving my goals before which makes it impossible to discuss with family and friends, being on here is to get a neutral perspective as people on boards have rarely steered me wrong before so thank you for your inputs.

we just keep thinking by the time this baby is a walking and talking two year old (if everything works out as planned) our first child will be 8 and we don't want to end up with two of our children feeling lonely for not being closer together in age.

Moonbeam · 17-01-2015 11:21PM

I have 5 years and 3 months between my eldest and youngest (2 others in between) and in a way it is the perfect gap.
My now 6 year old dotes on the baby,she can feed her,lift her,play with her,it is safe to run to the loo and leave them together,you have the older one in school all day so you can get rest with baby.
I think it is up to you and as an only child I would say go for it;)

Voltex · 18-01-2015 12:15AM

I don't think the age difference between siblings makes any difference. What is important is that you and your other half are on the same page regarding the number of children you both want.

18-01-2015 12:18AM

8 years between me and my older brother, and 8 years between me and my younger brother. All is well in the world. No one's killed each other just yet

(We've all turned out very differently though, admittedly).

Sligo1 · 18-01-2015 12:20AM

I say go for it! I have 3 older siblings... All a good bit older than me. My sister is 11 years older, my 2 brothers 9.5 and 8.5 years older than me. Apparently I was very much planned... But my siblings always teased me I was "the surprise". I'm so so so close to all of them. And my brother who is 8.5 yrs older is pretty much one of (or is) my best mate.

I remember being the "baby" of the family and always telling my mum I didn't want her to have another baby. Because I loved being "the baby". But gosh, if I had a younger sibling now I think it would be just wonderful. I think your child perhaps doesn't realise all the good things that another sibling can bring, included (hopefully), a great friendship and future confidante.

My SIL had a little girl when she was 18. The wee girl is now 7. My SIL has just given birth to another wee girl. And the 7 year old absolutely adored her! My SILs stepson (9) did absolutely not want another baby. I think perhaps he thought his dad would lose interest in him. But omg he just dotes on the wee baba now who is only 4 weeks old.

I say, don't let others influence your decision. Follow your own feelings and go with your gut. If it's what you and your OH really want the go for it

.

labmonkey · 18-01-2015 12:53AM

6 years between me and my brother - we get on very well. My nephew was 9 when my niece came along and he doted on her and still does 3 years later. Go for it

obplayer · 18-01-2015 01:03AM

shouldigetpregnantagain wrote: »

my husband and i were talking recently (for a few months now), we are financially good for the first time in 5 years and we are both thinking about having another baby, my husband also would like one of each gender, initially we said we'd have three, but as the years went by the time never felt right to go again, One of the main things stopping us is our first (and only child) at 5 we feel they wouldn't accept another sibling (and they have said as much with very strong feelings about it when the topic is brought up), and we know of so many adults in both our families who admit they hated their younger siblings when they came along as they were around 6 years old when it happened, one of whom it really messed them up and they developed a lot of issues over it, which now is worrying us greatly,

our home has 3 double bedrooms so we have plenty of room, financially we could do more this time around (we feel we missed out a lot the first time around because we struggled so much financially we literally spent our days between work and other things and never could afford to buy or do much, this time i can be a stay at home mother and we will still be comfortable financially), we really want the chance to do it again properly (for want of a better way of putting how we feel). we also don't want our child to be an only child as so many people keep telling us how bad it is, i know i shouldn't listen to them but i do wonder what if when we get older they feel obligated to look after us because there is nobody else? what if they are lonely? i know you cannot protect them from everything but these are the irrational thoughts running through our minds. we are also surrounded by people having babies so yes we wonder has that got anything to do with it?

is this what they call mid life crisis, or should we go for what we think we want and have a baby?

tl:dr is a 6 year age gap between siblings too big?

9 years between my sister and me and one of my fondest memories from my childhood is when my baby sister first fell asleep in my arms.

Also your home sounds wonderful and so, as parents, do you. Have that baby.

ariana` · 19-01-2015 11:40AM

Your son has no real concept what he's talking about when he says he doesn't want a sibling. Change is scary for all of us but remember he has the whole pregnancy to adjust, as you and your husband do as well because it will be a big change for ye to go back to nappies & night feeds! And if he's struggling to adjust after the baby comes you will help him as we all do with out oldest child, whatever their age is, when the 1st sibling comes.

My 5yr old felt my bump moving for the 1st time last night, it was amazing for him and for me. He was playing with his cousins doll and asking would that be the size of the baby and i was showing him how the baby would be positioned with it's legs pulled up and arms tucked it, he was fasinated and enthralled, it's so special going through pregnancy with a child old enough to be involved.

I've read it here many times and i think it's so true "you will never regret the babies you have, but you might regret the ones you don't have..."

eviltwin · 19-01-2015 11:54AM

There is 12 years between mine and I've never regretted having my second. It works out fine for us, you'll make yours work for you. Don't give up having a baby you want over something as trivial as an age gap.

lazygal · 19-01-2015 12:14PM

Think about it this way, if you found out you were pregnant tomorrow, what would you do?!

I wouldn't let your child have a 'say' in this decision. He's too young. I don't think you can count on stories of how siblings 'get along' either. There's a couple of gaps in our family. We've had times where we all got along great, coupled with times where those with the closest gap didn't speak for a year when they were teenagers.
I have two close in age and I have no intention of presuming they'll be best buddies just because they're siblings and have a close age gap. Who knows, maybe they will but that's outside of my control.
Plenty of people have large gaps because of fertility problems. I wouldn't let anyone's negative views either way sway you.

moominn · 19-01-2015 05:35PM

14 year age gap between my 2 boys, its great, wouldn't change a thing

banbhaaifric · 24-01-2015 02:53AM

16 year gap here, and big sister ADORES her little sister (even if people often think she's the mum!)

Sligo1 · 24-01-2015 10:59AM

banbhaaifric wrote: »

16 year gap here, and big sister ADORES her little sister (even if people often think she's the mum!)

I remember that! Everybody (kids in primary school) thought my sis was my mum! Lol. And my dad my grandad. My dad was pretty old tho.... My mum was never mistaken for my grandmother however.

Roesy · 24-01-2015 01:03PM

There's 8 years between my niece and nephew and the same between my friends two daughters. Both have said it was like having a first baby all over again but in both cases the elder sibling adore the younger one.

LegacyUser · 11-02-2015 06:52PM

Just an update as i have often read threads like this and wondered what happened next...

i spoke with my husband about it, and we both agreed to leave it another few weeks and revisit it, when i wrote this it was during that time, so we have recently talked about it again and we both still want to have another child so we are going for it. we are both quite excited at the thought of another child but obviously have fears too (like financially are we going to make it harder on ourselves?), like i said before we do not let fear decide what we should and should not do.

we have broached the topic of having a baby sister/brother around with our current child and they have not shut it down as much as we thought, we don't want to push it too much in case beans are spilled to family too soon as 5 year olds tend to talk, but we are changing how we phrase things to add in scenarios where it would not just be the three of us anymore and they seem kind of excited by that idea too. don't get me wrong we would never leave this choice down to our 5 year old but we do believe their input into discussions should be considered when it impacts them (even if in the interest of good parenting we have to overrule them on occasions).

thank you to everyone on here for your wonderful advice, we do really appreciate it all.

20-02-2015 01:52PM

shouldigetpregnantagain wrote: »

Just an update as i have often read threads like this and wondered what happened next...

i spoke with my husband about it, and we both agreed to leave it another few weeks and revisit it, when i wrote this it was during that time, so we have recently talked about it again and we both still want to have another child so we are going for it. we are both quite excited at the thought of another child but obviously have fears too (like financially are we going to make it harder on ourselves?), like i said before we do not let fear decide what we should and should not do.

we have broached the topic of having a baby sister/brother around with our current child and they have not shut it down as much as we thought, we don't want to push it too much in case beans are spilled to family too soon as 5 year olds tend to talk, but we are changing how we phrase things to add in scenarios where it would not just be the three of us anymore and they seem kind of excited by that idea too. don't get me wrong we would never leave this choice down to our 5 year old but we do believe their input into discussions should be considered when it impacts them (even if in the interest of good parenting we have to overrule them on occasions).

thank you to everyone on here for your wonderful advice, we do really appreciate it all.

I can remember only too well when a parent of my 5 year olds classmate congratulated me on our upcoming happy event. It took another two and a half years before we obliged! Be VERY careful what you say!

is a 6 year age gap too big?

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