Black tie wedding or no??

PhoenixParker · 26-10-2014 11:24AM

I think a good guideline when planning what sort of wedding to have is that it should be like the type of nice party you & your social circle attend regularly, only a bit fancier.

You know your social circle best. If they're the type that attend an awards/charity ball once or twice a year then a black tie wedding is appropriate. Otherwise I'd skip it.

26-10-2014 11:27AM

If you move in circles that attend a number of black tie events, ok, but if not, you'd be putting potential guests under a lot of pressure and many would just look at "Black Tie" and say "Sod that" and decline.

amdublin · 26-10-2014 11:33AM

Deleted User wrote: »

If you move in circles that attend a number of black tie events, ok, but if not, you'd be putting potential guests under a lot of pressure and many would just look at "Black Tie" and say "Sod that" and decline.

I came on to post exactly this ^^^

I was at a black tie wedding and the thought "far from black tie you were raised" kept going through to my head.

Beaner1 · 26-10-2014 11:36AM

Rubberchikken wrote: »

whatever happened to the day when 'guests' or even 'friends' received an invitation to a wedding and were happy to accept or unable to accept, simple as.

now it's judge people on their choice of invitation, venue, service, food, outfits, type of wedding.

it is the bride and grooms day. most of them put a lot of effort into this day or weekend (in some cases), and are thinking about them and everyone that will be there.

i've never been to a black tie wedding. tbh the few i've been were all the same. men with jackets off the moment the service was finished. women in dresses that for the most part, they didn't look comfortable in. and when they start boozing, no one looks good.

so bride and groom, your decision.

An invitation is basically a €500 bill arriving in the door.

Arbiter of Good Taste · 26-10-2014 11:47AM

amdublin wrote: »

I was at a black tie wedding and the thought "far from black tie you were raised" kept going through to my head.

I thought I was the only person that thinks that!

CaraMay · 26-10-2014 11:50AM

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

I thought I was the only person that thinks that!

I think most people secretly do but as long as there is give and take by the bride and groom (eg no presents expected and /or free bar) peiole will put up with it.

Addle · 26-10-2014 11:53AM

CaraMay wrote: »

If you are expecting guests to attend a black tie wedding then you should be offering a free bar for the night to offset the additional cost. All black tie weddings I've been to have done that.

Deciding to host a black tie event is a reflection on your ability to afford more than a traditional do.
If you go through with it, you should take it all the way.
As a guest, I'd expect a no expense spared do in a premium venue, with exceptional decor and food options, free-flowing champagne as well as a free bar.

cactusgal · 26-10-2014 11:59AM

^^This. Well put. If you can afford to host a bash like this, then go for it.

Tarzana2 · 26-10-2014 12:30PM

CaraMay wrote: »

If you are expecting guests to attend a black tie wedding then you should be offering a free bar for the night to offset the additional cost. All black tie weddings I've been to have done that.

For teatotallers, it's not much of a consolation though. I guess they save on buying drinks for others though.

Tarzana2 · 26-10-2014 12:33PM

Rubberchikken wrote: »

now it's judge people on their choice of invitation, venue, service, food, outfits, type of wedding.

Rubberchikken wrote: »

i've never been to a black tie wedding. tbh the few i've been were all the same. men with jackets off the moment the service was finished. women in dresses that for the most part, they didn't look comfortable in. and when they start boozing, no one looks good.

Or, judge the guests in your case.

Also, you've never been to a black tie wedding but the few you were at were all the same. Huh?

ilovespudss · 26-10-2014 01:14PM

You should also make sure the venue you pick is within 10 miles of everyone invited so people can cut out the cost of an overnight stay, anyone that has kids should be compensated for any child care involved with the day and also cover any mileage costs.

Also don't forget to make everyone sends you their dry cleaning bill in the weeks after the wedding.

I might have missed some costs involved but this should ensure everyone is happy and hasn't cost them a penny to attend your day.

All weddings should be completely free for guests for them to grace you with their presence.

CaraMay · 26-10-2014 01:25PM

ilovespudss wrote: »

You should also make sure the venue you pick is within 10 miles of everyone invited so people can cut out the cost of an overnight stay, anyone that has kids should be compensated for any child care involved with the day and also cover any mileage costs.

Also don't forget to make everyone sends you their dry cleaning bill in the weeks after the wedding.

I might have missed some costs involved but this should ensure everyone is happy and hasn't cost them a penny to attend your day.

All weddings should be completely free for guests for them to grace you with their presence.

As free wedding would be great but that's as elusive as an honest politician

You seem to overlook the fact that weddings are only really important for the couple and some people close to them. For 9/10 of the people invited it's a logisticial and financial headache.

Tarzana2 · 26-10-2014 01:38PM

CaraMay wrote: »

As free wedding would be great but that's as elusive as an honest politician

Eeeeh, I get the impression that poster was being tongue-in-cheek.

ilovespudss · 26-10-2014 01:51PM

CaraMay wrote: »

As free wedding would be great but that's as elusive as an honest politician

You seem to overlook the fact that weddings are only really important for the couple and some people close to them. For 9/10 of the people invited it's a logisticial and financial headache.

Fully aware of this, I've been to my fair share of weddings. They've cost me, like most people,a small fortune at this stage but I chose to go to them fully aware of what they cost to attend.

There's a lot of people that comment on here that still seem to resent that wedding cost money to go to.

If your prepared to spend the money, then go, if your not then don't. If you received an invite for a black tie wedding, and would throw it straight in the bin (as was said in an above post) then you probably shouldn't be going to the wedding in the first place

CaraMay · 26-10-2014 02:03PM

People resent that the bride and groom often don't care about the cost of the weddings for guests. A point in case is adding the cost of renting a tux because 'I want it!!!!'.

My strong view is that a wedding should always have a free bar and transportation put in (where possible giving location) as these people are guests and the true definition of a guest is someone you have invited. When you invite someone you should make sure they have a great day and it doesn't cost them a fortune. Most brides, because they think it's all about their day, don't care how much it costs everyone else. I think that's very wrong.

Tarzana2 · 26-10-2014 02:07PM

ilovespudss wrote: »

Fully aware of this, I've been to my fair share of weddings. They've cost me, like most people,a small fortune at this stage but I chose to go to them fully aware of what they cost to attend.

Black tie weddings cost way more than an average to attend, with the exception of foreign weddings. And there's the added hassle of having to hiring a tux if you don't own one or buying an evening dress if same. Not all women would buy a new outfit for every wedding usually. I know I don't.

ilovespudss wrote: »

If your prepared to spend the money, then go, if your not then don't. If you received an invite for a black tie wedding, and would throw it straight in the bin (as was said in an above post) then you probably shouldn't be going to the wedding in the first place

Very unfair assessment. The extra costs of a black tie event might push it outside of what you can afford.

jon1981 · 26-10-2014 02:12PM

No no no no and no!!

Unless you are from the aristocracy you will be hated for it! Added hassle, added expense , added unhappy resentful guests!

We are planning our wedding and while yes it is our day, you also have to remember the guests need to be looked after, they are travelling taking time off work, spending money...etc. to attend!

We are doing everything to make sure our guests will enjoy it equally as much as we want to.

Tarzana2 · 26-10-2014 02:14PM

CaraMay wrote: »

People resent that the bride and groom often don't care about the cost of the weddings for guests. A point in case is adding the cost of renting a tux because 'I want it!!!!'.

My strong view is that a wedding should always have a free bar and transportation put in (where possible giving location) as these people are guests and the true definition of a guest is someone you have invited. When you invite someone you should make sure they have a great day and it doesn't cost them a fortune. Most brides, because they think it's all about their day, don't care how much it costs everyone else. I think that's very wrong.

Went to a December wedding last year where absolutely everyone had to travel far to get to it. It wasn't held anywhere near where either the bride nor groom grew up. Or in any of the places where most of their friends lived (ie. Dublin, Galway, Cork). Everyone had to traipse to a church and venue in the middle of nowhere 150kms from where she was from and probably 300kms from where he was from, in stormy weather! For a winter wedding especially, why would you make people travel far in what will likely be crap driving conditions?

jon1981 · 26-10-2014 02:16PM

CaraMay wrote: »

My strong view is that a wedding should always have a free bar

This is crazy talk! I'm pretty sure 99% of the population would not hold this belief!

CaraMay · 26-10-2014 03:04PM

jon1981 wrote: »

This is crazy talk! I'm pretty sure 99% of the population would not hold this belief!

I said it was my view. When I invite people to events - birthdays, christening a etc it's always on the basis that they bring nothing. That's just the way I do it. I would rather a small wedding and a free bar than a big wedding that costs the guests a fortune but I know I'm the exception.

tinkerbell · 26-10-2014 03:12PM

CaraMay wrote: »

People resent that the bride and groom often don't care about the cost of the weddings for guests. A point in case is adding the cost of renting a tux because 'I want it!!!!'.

My strong view is that a wedding should always have a free bar and transportation put in (where possible giving location) as these people are guests and the true definition of a guest is someone you have invited. When you invite someone you should make sure they have a great day and it doesn't cost them a fortune. Most brides, because they think it's all about their day, don't care how much it costs everyone else. I think that's very wrong.

That's a ridiculous notion - a free bar for 100+ people?! The cost of that would run into the thousands for a full day affair. Most people don't have the funds to pay for that and most guests would never expect a free bar / transport either.

Just saw your other post - you cannot possibly compare a christening or birthday to a wedding - they are on a completely different scale. And a lot of people don't have weddings less than 50 people, they have around 100/150, some 200+ for whatever reason.

zubair · 26-10-2014 03:17PM

CaraMay wrote: »

I said it was my view. When I invite people to events - birthdays, christening a etc it's always on the basis that they bring nothing. That's just the way I do it. I would rather a small wedding and a free bar than a big wedding that costs the guests a fortune but I know I'm the exception.

I'll PM you my details, stick me on the mailing list for your parties please.

I've already estimated the petrol to be 100 eur, I'll take cash... oh... and mines guinness

CaraMay · 26-10-2014 03:22PM

zubair wrote: »

I'll PM you my details, stick me on the mailing list for your parties please.

I've already estimated the petrol to be 100 eur, I'll take cash... oh... and mines guinness

Yeah do that

jon1981 · 26-10-2014 03:25PM

CaraMay wrote: »

I said it was my view. When I invite people to events - birthdays, christening a etc it's always on the basis that they bring nothing. That's just the way I do it. I would rather a small wedding and a free bar than a big wedding that costs the guests a fortune but I know I'm the exception.

You can't compare bday or christening to a wedding. Fine that is your opinion and with that same thought process would you then refuse an invitation based on the costs incurred to you?

I think a nice meal, some wine, entertainment for friends and family is pretty generous. A free bar is not an option for most people and id rather not limit the people I want to invite based on how much of a free bar I can afford.

CaraMay · 26-10-2014 03:30PM

jon1981 wrote: »

You can't compare bday or wedding to a christening. Fine that is your opinion and with that same thought process would you then refuse an invitation based on the costs incurred to you?

I think a nice meal, some wine, entertainment for friends and family is pretty generous. A free bar is not an option for most people and id rather not limit the people I want to invite based on how much of a free bar I can afford.

No I would go to a wedding if I could afford it and if it suited me. I would rather not inflict substantial costs on people I invite to a function I'm running. You have your way and I have mine.

midnight_train · 26-10-2014 03:35PM

I can understand both sides of the 'free bar' thing, but I don't think it would work in Ireland. A lot of weddings in the USA are open bar, which is nice, but American weddings are much shorter. I like this, personally, as I find Irish weddings a VERY long day and I have turned down wedding invitations before just because I knew it would be too long for me (I did give a gift, though, I'm not totally selfish!)

That's not to say that American weddings are better or cheaper for guests, necessarily - a plane ticket is often involved, and don't even get me started on bridesmaids at American weddings having to pay for their own dresses, accommodation, etc, etc - but the free bar and the relatively short duration (i.e., an evening wedding that starts in the evening) are nice, IMO.

Arbiter of Good Taste · 26-10-2014 03:38PM

midnight_train wrote: »

I can understand both sides of the 'free bar' thing, but I don't think it would work in Ireland. A lot of weddings in the USA are open bar, which is nice, but American weddings are much shorter. I like this, personally, as I find Irish weddings a VERY long day and I have turned down wedding invitations before just because I knew it would be too long for me (I did give a gift, though, I'm not totally selfish!)

That's not to say that American weddings are better or cheaper for guests, necessarily - a plane ticket is often involved, and don't even get me started on bridesmaids at American weddings having to pay for their own dresses, accommodation, etc, etc - but the free bar and the relatively short duration (i.e., an evening wedding that starts in the evening) are nice, IMO.

And also the fact that Irish people are more likely to take the piss with a free bar than Americans.

Larry Wildman · 26-10-2014 03:45PM

Some odd contributions to this thread.

In my experience, most people have their own tux. With BlackTie gone, where does one even go to rent a tux?

The "wear a black tie with a suit" stuff is an abomination. "Black Tie" is shorthand for evening wear - Not carte blanche to wear anything. It screams classless chav.

And as another poster pointed out, "black tie" during the day is an abomination. It's evening wear, so unless the ceremony is in the evening, it's ridiculous.

jon1981 · 26-10-2014 03:46PM

Anyway , back on topic.

I'm pretty sure the OP has his/her answer from the boards folk as to whether or not a black tie a good idea.

No.

ilovespudss · 26-10-2014 03:47PM

Tarzana2 wrote: »

Black tie weddings cost way more than an average to attend, with the exception of foreign weddings. And there's the added hassle of having to hiring a tux if you don't own one or buying an evening dress if same. Not all women would buy a new outfit for every wedding usually. I know I don't.

Very unfair assessment. The extra costs of a black tie event might push it outside of what you can afford.

As might a midweek wedding, or venue the other side if the county, or expensive venue to stay/drink in.

If people were that worried about putting their guests to expense, or themselves for that matter ,every wedding would be casual dress in a local pub or house.

Black tie wedding or no??

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