Sister causing stress in wedding planning

Arbiter of Good Taste · 26-09-2014 09:58AM

893bet wrote: »

I suppose I just can't see someone being that capable of being such a @%$#&+. She probably is though ans if you demote her from bridesmaid to normal guest then she will be looking for revenge.

You are probably a decent person yourself, so can't imagine someone acting like this. Unfortunately it happens. I have a cousin who has pulled similar crap. Though in her case I think she has "only" stolen from her own family.

the_syco · 26-09-2014 10:07AM

Gatica wrote: »

On the other hand, can you be really 100% sure she took the money and that there hasn't been someone else in the house, you child didn't play with it, it fell in behind some furniture, or fiance forgot he'd put it into his pants pockets, etc...?

It seems she had also sent "very harsh words" to the hubbie, that "caused him alot of stress" as well.

MouseTail wrote: »

To me, weddings, like funerals are a time where fractured families can come together and build bridges.

The thief almost seems intent on causing a rift between the husband and wife before they are even married.

Tomato19 wrote: »

her drug is; clothes, make up and jewellery.. all for vanity

And all readily available at the wedding. Stick to your guns, and make it clear that she's not invited, not welcome, and it's because she has stolen from you and your hubbie.

Arbiter of Good Taste · 26-09-2014 10:09AM

the_syco wrote: »

The thief almost seems intent on causing a rift between the husband and wife before they are even married.

That's actually a very interesting point.

stinkle · 26-09-2014 07:22PM

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

You are probably a decent person yourself, so can't imagine someone acting like this. Unfortunately it happens. I have a cousin who has pulled similar crap. Though in her case I think she has "only" stolen from her own family.

Me too. In fact her sister (the bride) had to ring my folks after the wedding as my parents' card had been opened...not sure was the bride comfortable calling anyone else (I wouldnt be!) or what such a thing would achieve (new present? hardly...), but my folks know what the sister is like and I think my cousin felt ok telling them that and just wanted to double check that they had put something in the card so as to write a proper thank you card to them really.

The way I wrote that doesnt sound too great from the bride's POV, but it was one of those situations where the thief's actions wasnt surprising and the bride and my mum are able to speak directly to each other about issues.

Mrs OBumble · 02-10-2014 06:15PM

What do your parents think about this? Do they see theivery as a problem (surprising though it may seem, some families don't!). Do they want her there? TBH, they're the ones who got it wrong with her moral development, they need to take some responsibility for the consequences.

IMHO, if she is at the wedding, it has to be with a minder who you can trust, who will supervise her behaviour at all times.

I would even put it to her like that, and make it her choice: invitation with a minder, or no invitation.

monalisa7 · 09-10-2014 11:22AM

This seems very distressing for you, but I would suggest you consider that your sister might have a psychological disorder that her behaviour is a symptom of. Kleptomania seems to be a recognised impulse control disorder, and the reason she will not admit to it might be associated with shame. Just a suggestion!

gugleguy · 09-10-2014 01:34PM

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

What do your parents think about this? Do they see theivery as a problem (surprising though it may seem, some families don't!). Do they want her there? TBH, they're the ones who got it wrong with her moral development, they need to take some responsibility for the consequences.

IMHO, if she is at the wedding, it has to be with a minder who you can trust, who will supervise her behaviour at all times.

I would even put it to her like that, and make it her choice: invitation with a minder, or no invitation.

may the minder could come as a "boyfriend". I’m serious. but only the wedding couple and parents and your sister know his real function there.

Miaireland · 09-10-2014 04:54PM

To be honest I would not invite her, I know that seems harsh.

First, no matter what you and your husband to be will be stressed about her and her behaviour before, during and after your wedding.

As has been said people are very relaxed at weddings, bags being left all over the place etc.

I know at weddings people often hand over cards etc to the siblings of the bride and groom. I know when I have attended weddings as a guest of the bride I nearly always hand cards over to the bride's family.

If you have her as bridemaids and you are taking her to the hairdresser/beautician could she decided to help herself to nail varnish/makeup etc.

The major reason I would not invite her though is because by the sounds of things she needs to learn that there are consquences to her action. Maybe she needs help and this may be the push for her to get that help.

Calhoun · 10-10-2014 11:59AM

MouseTail wrote: »

I am quite surprised at the harshness shown in this thread. To me, weddings, like funerals are a time where fractured families can come together and build bridges. They should not be a time where people are excluded and rifts widened, although of course they often are.
But OP, it is your wedding, and your decision. I truly hope in time you and your sister can forgive each other and build a truce if not a friendship.

No offence but this idea is away with the fairies. Do you understand how expensive weddings are ? Play happy families with your own wedding and at your own cost.

To me weddings are a time to celebrate with people you consider friends and trust them to celebrate the day with you, it isn't a Dr Phil episode.

There are cheaper and less public situations to build bridges and the bride and groom have a hell of allot more to worry about than a thief in their midst.

Paddy Cow · 14-10-2014 12:45PM

893bet wrote: »

Why do people want to be so dramatic!!! So you sit at home with the box of wedding knives unopened just waiting for her to mess up so you can have your moment of "I told u so, I knew you stole from us, I didn't even open your gift two years ago, have it back".

Id nearly prefer to be friends with the thief.

I would invite her. Family rifts are unreparable and this would cause a serious one especially of she lives at home with your parents.

MouseTail wrote: »

I am quite surprised at the harshness shown in this thread. To me, weddings, like funerals are a time where fractured families can come together and build bridges. They should not be a time where people are excluded and rifts widened, although of course they often are.
But OP, it is your wedding, and your decision. I truly hope in time you and your sister can forgive each other and build a truce if not a friendship.

The only person here who is causing a rift or needs to look for forgiveness, is the op's sister. She is potentially being uninvited as a direct result of her stealing, lying and unrepentant behaviour. She has caused tension between the op and her fiance and put the op in the awkward situation of inviting her and maybe having guests who "lose" valuables or not inviting her and having a shadow cast over her day when everyone keeps asking where her sister is.

So what is the sister's feelings are hurt? If she continues to hold a grudge then it clearly shows that she feels no guilt or remorse for causing so much hassle. One would hope that down the line she realises what a cow she has been, begs her sister and family for forgiveness and tells her sister that she understands why she wasn't invited.

Until she accepts that stealing is wrong and has consequences, she won't stop. It's her own fault if this causes other people not to trust her and exclude her from situations. There is only so much crap family can take before they decide enough is enough. The bride and her fiance have feelings too and since it's their wedding day, which they will be spending a small fortune on, their feelings take precedence.

Murray007 · 14-10-2014 01:08PM

As she is 30, she is fully cooked. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, its a duck, accept it and move on.

One of the most valuable steps in my own maturity was to cut off toxic relationships and not look back, and in my case one of those was my mother.

She was not invited to my wedding and I didn't regret it for a second on the day or afterwards and I tend to be an over sentimental person normally. She would have caused trouble and made numerous people, including me, nervous on the day.

I was at a friends wedding recently where his mother and father didn't attend. There was no forewarning of this and there was a little surprise among the guests. The consensus with the guests was if the parents has decided not to come, for whatever reason, then it was their loss, and if the couple had decided not to invite they must have had a good reason. It didn't effect the day.

Actions should have consequences and if you sister can't act in a resonable manner around you and your family then she should suffer the consequences. It might be just the wake up call she needs.

Sister causing stress in wedding planning

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