Good Fair or Downright rubbish your views please

Oryx wrote: »

I do hear that lovely simplicity within it, and its a lovely setup, I'd just love a longer piece with more story. Its over before it's begun!

echo beach wrote: »

Very vivid. With good illustrations it might make a nice picture book.

Fortheloveosod wrote: »

I think it's lovely. It's child-like enough to convey that, but not enough to be perfectly authentic, and for that reason I suggest revising the intentional grammatical mistakes. They seem like a gimmick if the rest isn't absolutely perfectly child-like. In addition, if it's intended for children, you certainly don't need to be teaching them to conflate 'your' and 'you're'.
But that apart, it's perfect. I don't believe it needs revising beyond the spelling and punctuation. The words as you've chosen them are all wonderful and you can't help but smile reading it.

Fortheloveosod wrote: »

Here's my go at editing it.

It was the beginning of April and the weather was getting a bit nicer. The sun was staying out longer and [one more descriptive clause'd round this out, maybe 'the sun was staying out longer and I'd wake up to birds singing by my window' or something]. I began to notice that Mum may be taking a bit of an interest in dogs. She never said anything to me but one morning when I was looking for my homework I found a book tucked away behind a cushion on the sofa. I'd a quick peek and on the cover was the loveliest little puppy you ever saw! I squealed with excitement. Mum ran into the sitting room but not before I tucked the book back where I got it.
"What's all the noise about?" she asked.
"Oh, Mum," I cried, "I thought I saw a rat."
"In the house? Don't be so silly, Emily," she said. "Now, hurry up and get ready for school."

I thought three o'clock would never come that day. I decided I was going to ask Mum about the book when I got home. I asked my friend Ellie could I get a lift home with her and her Mum because it was an emergency. [an 'emergency' is it? I don't know about that.]

Mum as always met me at the door. She said the very same thing every day. "Hello, how did it go at school today?"
I as always said, "OK."
[Add description here. Maybe you put down your stuff or took some piece of clothing off of yourself.]
I took a deep breath. "Mum," I said, "are we getting a dog?"
"We will see," she said.
I couldn't believe my ears! It wasn't an 'it's too cold' answer; it wasn't a 'you're too young' answer; it was a 'we will see' answer!
"And I know Mum," I thought. "When she says 'we will see' she usually means 'yes'."

Personally, lulu, I like your ideas. I think you've an adorable little story here. But I have to wonder how much have you read. If you've read a lot (not 'alot' as you typed in an above comment), and your instincts haven't picked up the codified way that we spell, write, type, &c., maybe you'd want to get some help. There's no shame in that, either. We all have our weaknesses, and the strongest among us admit to them.
As for punctuation, when quoting we've a fairly complex system that's commoner in the UK and Ireland (and most Commonwealth nations) than in America, but the American system is used as well, and is *much* simpler and easier to do. I'm talking about placing punctuation inside or outside of your quotation marks, mostly. In America, it's simply always inside, and that's perfectly acceptable in all countries' English writing.

Fortheloveosod wrote: »

No bother.
The birds idea was only an example, though I know my students that age would notice and I'm near certain I would that age.
I only changed it to 'rat' because you want something the mother would dismiss, and there really could be a mouse in the house, but a rat is more unlikely. If I'm honest, maybe a different excuse entirely (for the squeal that drew the mother's attention) would be wisest. Maybe 'I stubbed my toe' or something.

I'd change a couple of other things as well, actually. Some of it seems a bit unrealistic emotionally. When the mother says 'We'll see' for example, she knows it's the first time she's saying that, and she doesn't know you've found the book, so it may want a bit more work.

dan1 wrote: »

My sister is writing a children's book as we speak. I wouldn't normally use this creative writing forum just looking around at the examples that members have posted. I must say I really like this post about a little girl getting a dog. I think a lot of children go through the same with their parents as regards getting a dog. The story is simple and down to earth and personally I wouldn't change very much maybe the odd word here and there. OP maybe you could have someone check out your speech marks. I have read most of the comments and one thing that stood out was the above poster. Fortheloveosod said in one post they said that they liked the idea and it was an adorable story.In the next post they said they would change some other things and it was unrealistic emotionally. I am not into writing but I find this very realistic and if the author had someone to point them in the right direction I think this could hit the book shelves

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

hi lulu. don't worry about "hitting the bookshelves" just yet. Try and concentrate on getting your story written and polished up first.