Dumped so out of the blue that I can't process it

LegacyUser · 19-06-2014 05:18AM #1

I had been with my boyfriend for only 5 months, but it was the smoothest relationship ever. We met, we clicked so well and after two months he made it official without there being any jealousy, uncertainty, ultimatum to push us into it.

I felt like at last, after many failed attempts I had found a good, kind guy to share my life with. And share I did. I'm in a job where a lot of us started at the same time and socialise together all the time. I brought him into the fold, he became friends with my friends, even came on holiday with us.

And then suddenly, without having ever had a fight, he dumped me on Sunday in a public place in a very cruel way. He decided he doesn't want to be in a relationship again so soon after his last one, which ended mid-last year and was long. But why did he let me get so invested? Why did he make it official if he was unsure? After his last relationship ended - that was the time to decide to take some single time. What does that make me? His buffer to single life?

I feel used and thrown away. And so humiliated. Our circle professionally is so small and socialises together so much that we may as well work together. And he hasn't told anyone so it is left to me to explain a situation I can't get my own head around. And he will be around all the time - he's too integrated into my social group to avoid. And it also probably means the next girl he meets will be someone we know already.

He hasn't contacted me at all to see if I'm ok. He knows how devestated I was, he knows how hard my job (which is very intense) would have been to go into on Monday. I just feel so worthless and down.

Why did he use me this way? Am I supposed to pretend it all never happened? Do I have to just hold my head up and tell everyone we know as if I'm ok? I'm not. The least he could have done is follow up and see if I'm doing ok, and tell people to spare me that pain. Has he just switched off all feelings just like that?

Should I contact him and ask to get closure? It's affecting my work. I can't sleep and my appetite is gone. Please give me any advice you have to offer. Thank you.

CaraMay · 19-06-2014 06:24AM

Why would you feel worthless just because a relationship ended? It sounds like you had a great life before you met him and you will still have your job and friends now.

I don't understand if he is working with you? He will hardly continue to see your friends now that it's finished.

He didn't use you. He tried the relationship and it didn't work for him. That's the risk we all take when we enter relationships.

The best thing this guy can do for you now is stay away. Maybe you have seen a different side to him with the way he was cruel to you. He is not that perfect after all.

You can and will get over this. You are in shock and this will pass. Maybe the one lesson to learn from thus is to slow the pace down in future. Everything seemed to move very fast here and now it seems harder to separate him from your life. If he has any decency he will stay away from your friends. Do tell people it's finished and there is no need to go into the details.

Do NOT contact him. You already have closure!!! Him finishing it is closure. Keep your pride and don't give him the satisfaction of telling you twice that it's not going to work. There is nothing he can say that will make this better. Head up high and move on.

Barely There · 19-06-2014 07:56AM

sad_insomniac wrote: »

.

But why did he let me get so invested? .

You let yourself get invested after 5 months, that's hardly his fault.

sad_insomniac wrote: »

Why did he make it official if he was unsure? .

He didn't get engaged to you - you were going out for a fairly short period.

sad_insomniac wrote: »

I feel used and thrown away. And so humiliated. .

Because you were dumped? - that's kinda weird - people break up all the time for many different reasons.

sad_insomniac wrote: »

He hasn't contacted me at all to see if I'm ok. .

That's quite sensible of him I think.

sad_insomniac wrote: »

Why did he use me this way?.

How on earth did he 'use you'.

sad_insomniac wrote: »

Am I supposed to pretend it all never happened? .

No

sad_insomniac wrote: »

Do I have to just hold my head up and tell everyone we know as if I'm ok?.

That's what most people manage to do.

sad_insomniac wrote: »

Should I contact him and ask to get closure? .

No

sad_insomniac wrote: »

It's affecting my work. I can't sleep and my appetite is gone. Please give me any advice you have to offer. Thank you.

These feeling will pass in time.

professore · 19-06-2014 08:00AM

Maybe he just isn't that into you? You ultimately can't know what goes on inside someone else's head - thankfully since it's the one place we are truly free.

Eeden · 19-06-2014 09:38AM

sad_insomniac wrote: »

I had been with my boyfriend for only 5 months, but it was the smoothest relationship ever. We met, we clicked so well and after two months he made it official without there being any jealousy, uncertainty, ultimatum to push us into it.

...

I wonder if this is a telling remark. Why should there be any jealousy, uncertainly, or ultimatum to "push" you into a relationship? Is this how things usually happen with your relationships? If it is, then you might have to look at how you view relationships in general.

MugMugs · 19-06-2014 10:20AM

Barely There wrote: »

You let yourself get invested after 5 months, that's hardly his fault.

OP Ignore this.

It's not the amount of time that you're with somebody that defines how long it takes to get over them. It's the amount of switches that they turned on in your head and how long it's going to take you to turn them back off.

Your post is one of rejection. That's obvious as you've ultimately been rejected by somebody you had fallen for.

Move on though. You seem to have a good social circle and you should use it to your benefit.

Mr. Incognito · 19-06-2014 10:53AM

I cant see anything he did wrong. Breaking up in public is not a major crime as its neutral ground.

He has cut ties and contact. Its not his place to hold your hand during the breakup.

Your friends are too wrapped up in their own lives to care.

Youll get over him. Generally takes half the time of the relationship so right as rain in two months or so

LegacyUser · 19-06-2014 11:02AM

Op, I really feel for you. It is a horrible place to be.

But many of us have been there before you and got through it, and many will follow you. You will get over this hurt, pain, and devastation. You will come out the other side a stronger person. I speak from experience here.

Be kind to yourself right now. Put yourself first. Surround yourself with friends. Do what ever feels right. Respect yourself. Do not contact him, it will prolong the agony.

Essentially the relationship was not right for him, which means it is not right for you either. Do not allow him to take over any more of your life.

It will hurt. Let yourself grieve. Cry if you feel you want to. Feel all the emotion that is flowing in you. Get angry if you need to. Feel what ever you need to. Let yourself mourn the loss of this big part of your life. And then shake yourself off and move on. Time is a great healer.
Do not allow this to impact on your future happiness.

Take care of yourself right now. Let your friends take care of you too. You will get through this.

LegacyUser · 19-06-2014 12:15PM

"And then suddenly, without having ever had a fight, he dumped me on Sunday in a public place in a very cruel way "

My ex boyfriend of 10 years broke up with my in favourite restaurant

It's tough and cruel when you don't feel the break up is done right But it's far better that he exited now than further down the road. I know you have a lot of questions, if you find yourself still asking these in a couple of weeks - I would encourage you to maybe speak to someone professionally.

Cry, scream, talk, comfort yourself - grieve - you are experiencing a loss.

Don't bother getting in contact with him. I say this with compassion, get your own closure. That is one of the greatest skills you will ever learn in life.

Keep your head up. Right now, focus on the basics - one foot in front of the other and trying to get some sleep and a bit of food into you. You're doing good.

19-06-2014 12:52PM

OP the best thing anyone can do in a breakup is to have no contact. It makes things easier for both sides, however difficult and cruel it seems right now. In a public place is often good advice too.
Do not contact him. You need to move on from this yourself. Write it all down and then burn the pages if you need to.

I know it's hard and you have my sympathy.

I would also be a little concerned about your "official without jealousy/ultimatums" line - is this usually how you start relationships??

B.A._Baracus · 19-06-2014 04:04PM

My two cents is that yeah, he used you op.
Fact is 5 months ago, or even just before he officially got into a relationship with you, he easily could have said "I am not looking for anything serious" - Very simple words. You would have known the deal.

It looks like you helped heel him. He is whole again. The 5 month relationship helped him get over his ex emotionally.... 5 months of an active sex life ... He now has a total new social circle... No one can deny he is in a better position than 6 months ago.

Whilst the harsh fact is if he doesnt want to be with you... thats he choice and you have to deal with it. But I do believe in calling a spade a spade. He used you.

Don't contact him. Do your best to avoid him (hard given your situation) and just try to forget about him. Friend or Foe as they say - and he aint your friend.

LegacyUser · 19-06-2014 05:03PM

Hi OP
sorry to hear this happened- i think some posters here are being a bit harsh..I agree this person totally used you for a casual carefree time. What probably hurts the most is that he appeared to really like you and all the time kept you under that impression instead of being straight up that he just saw things as "casual".

Was with a person like this for 2.5 years she constantly telling me she loved me and needed me etc. and it was all an act. In my case the girl came to a family funeral with me and put on a big act of affection and support for me in front of my friends and family and dumped me a few hours later as casually as you like. You might not believe me know but this experience will do you good op you will spot this kind of person the next time.

This person appeared to be nice but in fact is a self absorbed, self centred waste of space OP. Im sorry.Chin up you did your best-remember that.

Sleepless and Manic · 19-06-2014 06:19PM

sad_insomniac wrote: »

Should I contact him and ask to get closure? It's affecting my work. I can't sleep and my appetite is gone. Please give me any advice you have to offer. Thank you.

Hi Sad Insomniac.

I like your name. We probably have a lot in common!

The only way is to move on from him and the easiest way to do that is complete cut off. Get him out of your head. "Closure" if there really is any such thing, is within you. You dont need anything from him for that.

It'll hurt like hell for a while. Weeks even. But you'll get over it. And you'll be so much wiser and stronger.

*hug*

19-06-2014 06:31PM

Hi OP, sorry for what's happened, I also think some replies to your problem were a little harsh.

I'll reiterate an above poster and say its not the length of the relationship that defines it, it's the quality of what you had (or believed you had). Usually when you're in a relationship with someone you have a lot in common and are great friends. I think people forget that the friendship that's lost is also hugely devastation and I think if this was a post about a best friend telling you they want no contact you would have got a different response. Yes, relationships end all the time but obviously you're going to feel used and upset - its natural.

My advice is to try taking up a new hobby at a club so you can discuss it with people and form new friendships. Even volunteer work or anything to take your mind off things for a little while. I understand that its impossible to believe now but someday there'll be somebody so special in your life that you'll finally be glad nothing else ever worked out.

liz lemoncello · 19-06-2014 09:23PM

sad_insomniac wrote: »

I had been with my boyfriend for only 5 months, but it was the smoothest relationship ever. We met, we clicked so well and after two months he made it official without there being any jealousy, uncertainty, ultimatum to push us into it.

As others have posted, this part sounds strange.

....Our circle professionally is so small and socialises together so much that we may as well work together. And he hasn't told anyone so it is left to me to explain a situation I can't get my own head around.

You don't owe anyone an explanation. If they ask, just say "We're no longer seeing each other."

Sleepless and Manic wrote: »

....

The only way is to move on from him and the easiest way to do that is complete cut off. Get him out of your head. "Closure" if there really is any such thing, is within you. You dont need anything from him for that....

OP, will you be able to completely cut contact with him?

Merkin · 19-06-2014 10:04PM

Aw you poor thing. Reminds me of me a few years ago, was involved with a guy for the same amount of time too and I fell hard, and he had set quite a fast pace and dumped me out of nowhere....the PAIN! And your heartache is never commensurate necessarily with the length of the relationship, you felt what you felt for him and it's so hurtful and bewildering when that just ends out of nowhere. So hugs to you, I know exactly how hurt your little heart is.

Thinking back to that time I'm really glad how in some respects how I behaved in the aftermath of all of that. Excusing far too much wine, boring the bejaysus out of close friends with the drunken WHYS and regularly having snot running down my face in between drunken hiccups (did I mention I drank a lot of wine?!) I never once contacted him. Not once. He texted me a few times in the week or so after and I hurt so much I never replied and I'm so glad I held my head up high. Fcuk him, his loss.

'Closure' is overrated. And what does it mean anyway? The only closure you will get is him having to tell you a second time that he's dumping you. I'm sure you don't want to subject yourself to such an indignity. All you need to remember is that he didn't see fit to continue a relationship with you and you'll probably never really get to the bottom of why that happened.

It's a few years since this happened to me and within a year I got together with the love of my life, got married, have a baby Merkin on the way and thank my lucky stars that I was dumped by someone not worthy in the first place. And life is funny. I got a lengthy email from the dumper (after four years!) only a few months ago saying I'd been on his mind a lot and he'd really like it if I got in touch with him. Needless to say I ignored it but it was good for me insofar as I hadn't imagined what I felt at that time. When you're dumped like that you begin to question your own perception of things, their feelings, your feelings.....that will all pass.

Use this time to talk about it, process it, cry over it and spend time with good friends and family. You'll be glad you did and you'll be doubly glad if you resist all temptation to contact or reply to him. If he doesn't see you as a girlfriend, don't then grace him with the pleasure of your society.

Chin up m'dear, with time you will be fine xx

yoozername123 · 19-06-2014 10:53PM

It might be an idea to think back over your time together and really look at the way he acted, or what he said. Did he make any promises to you alluding to a future together? You are talking like you had found someone to share your life with, was that not presuming an awful lot about someone you were with 5 months!! Did he say he was madly in love with you, was the relationship intense from his side? Because after 5 months a guy will know whether he is mad about you or not, and if he didn't say this or anything else alluding to the fact he was fully committed to the relationship then I'm sorry but you seem quite naiive assuming you had a future together.
So in future it might be wise to hold back a little more and not invest so much of yourself in a fledgling relationship. No one knows after such a short amount of time that a relationship is going anywhere, and your mistake was assuming it was.

Semele · 20-06-2014 01:14PM

The above post is spot-on as far as I'm concerned...and I say that with full sympathy for how crap you must be feeling!

5 months is plently long enough to become attached to someone as you have done, so don't feel bad for being so upset. On the other had, it doesn't sound to me like he's used you...it just sounds like he liked you enough to give things a proper go but over time it just wasn't for him. That's not his fault.

I broke up with a guy just over a year ago, after a short time together. He was furious at me for apparently using him and wasting his time. No matter how I tried to explain it, he would not understand that this had never been my intention. I liked him enough to date, then enough to date exclusively, and I never stopped thinking he was a nice guy. But as I got to know him better I increasingly realised I couldn't see us together long term. I broke up with him at that point rather than waste his time. You don't know someone after only a few weeks or months and that is what that early part of a relationship is for.

You, and my ex, seem to see dating exclusively as a long-term commitment to a life together! It's not! You can't expect people to know right from the word "go" that they want to be with this person forever, and see any later change of mind as some sort of breach of contract. No-one would ever get into a relationship if this were the case.

You're totally entitled to be upset, but it really doesn't sound like your ex did anything wrong- in fact he did the right thing by letting you know how he felt as soon as possible, rather than wasting your time/using you while knowing his heart wasn't in it.

Flippyfloppy · 20-06-2014 02:49PM

It seems that you took him breaking up with you in a public place & however he did that as cruel. So it sounds as if you feel quite let down by how he handled the whole thing? You probably would have been more sensitive of where and how you did it if you were breaking up with him? I think that just goes to show one side of his personality that doesn't suit yours , or the way you operate. Over time I bet lots more things he done would have left you hurt and scratching your head in confusion if you stayed together!

brooke 2 · 20-06-2014 03:17PM

ben there wrote: »

Op, I really feel for you. It is a horrible place to be.

But many of us have been there before you and got through it, and many will follow you. You will get over this hurt, pain, and devastation. You will come out the other side a stronger person. I speak from experience here.

Be kind to yourself right now. Put yourself first. Surround yourself with friends. Do what ever feels right. Respect yourself. Do not contact him, it will prolong the agony.

Essentially the relationship was not right for him, which means it is not right for you either. Do not allow him to take over any more of your life.

It will hurt. Let yourself grieve. Cry if you feel you want to. Feel all the emotion that is flowing in you. Get angry if you need to. Feel what ever you need to. Let yourself mourn the loss of this big part of your life. And then shake yourself off and move on. Time is a great healer.
Do not allow this to impact on your future happiness.

Take care of yourself right now. Let your friends take care of you too. You will get through this.

There is a lot of compassion in this post!!

The OP needs to take back to herself the power to make herself happy.
At the moment she has handed it over to this guy. She will have to make a
concentrated effort to wrest back control of her life - this will take time, as it
is difficult to be rational when you are suffering from a broken heart!

Dumped so out of the blue that I can't process it

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