On relationshiop break but boyfriend on dating website

LegacyUser · 19-04-2014 10:00PM #1

Hi. My boyfriend and I decided to take a relationship break recentley. It wasn't the right time for either of us, but mostly him, and he decided we should take an indefinite break from our relationship. I was worried that he was breaking up with me but he said that he wasn't and we just needed time apart right now, but he still really cares for me.

I believed him. But then I decided to go on a dating website because I knew he had a profile there. My own curiosity got the better of me.

I found that he was back active again on it. I was heartbroken because I thought he really cared for me, but now, only a week after we decided to take a break, he's back on one of these websites. He told me he wouldn't see anyone on the break, but now that I saw him on this dating site I just can't believe that is true.

I don't know how to feel. Should I talk to him and ask about it? We ended on good terms, and we said we'd keep in contact, but if there's no hope of us getting back together I need to know so I can move on. But if I confront him about it, I'm worried I'll come across as desperate or some kind of stalker.

What should I do?

king_of_inismac · 20-04-2014 09:32AM

that's not a healthy place for you to be in. you were obviously planning on getting back with him and it *appears* he's seeing other people.

This isn't a good scenario. Drifting along with him seeing other people is very hurtful for you. Ask him to decide what he wants. If he wants to get back with you, he will. If he doesnt, move on. The danger for you is letting this period of uncertainty drift on indefinitely.

whiskeyman · 20-04-2014 09:38AM

I never understand couples who go on breaks and I've never heard of a successful break either. If you need time apart, surely it's a sign one or both of ye isn't willing to make it work. The relationship should finish there or both parties should know it won't be going further IMO.
He now sees himself as single and wants to have fun.
I presume you're both fairly young? Why would be want to be 'on a break' with someone? Maybe he didn't have the guts to properly break up with you?
Sorry but I really think you should move on.

Stavro Mueller · 20-04-2014 09:54AM

To me it looks like he wanted to play the field again but was keeping you on the back burner just in case nothing worked out for him. Your gut instinct was right - he was breaking up with you but was too cowardly to do it properly. Instead he fed you with nonsense like he really cares for you (which can mean anything) and left you waiting for him to decide when this indefinite break would finish. Take a closer look at what he's doing, rather than what's coming out of his mouth and things may become clearer for you. If he was happy in the relationship why would he have wanted this break?

IlmoNT4 · 20-04-2014 10:15AM

I think this is a sign that your boyfriend isnt emotionally invested in your relationship. I've never understood taking a break. If there are problems in the relationship then how are they resolved by not seeing and speaking with each other?

I know this is a very painful way to break up with someone OP, but try and see it for what it is.... Your boyfriend is on a break from a relationship and within 1 weeks hes on a dating web site. Most people when a relationship ends that they are invested in, give themselves time and space to accept whats happened. Your boyfriend may simply just not have the ability to be upfront and end the relationship and this is his way of coping with it.

The question now is what it is that you want from all of this? Is there any point in speaking to your boyfriend about it? It sounds like hes made up his mind and it might be time for you to move on. It hasnt been handled very well and its very hurtful but you need to do whats right for you, and thats give yourself some time. Be emotionally responsible for yourself and take care

Meauldsegosha · 20-04-2014 10:25AM

heartbroken123 wrote: »

Hi. My boyfriend and I decided to take a relationship break recentley. It wasn't the right time for either of us, but mostly him, and he decided we should take an indefinite break from our relationship. I was worried that he was breaking up with me but he said that he wasn't and we just needed time apart right now, but he still really cares for me.

An indefinite break means the relationship is over. Your ex tried to sugar coat by say it was a break and that he cared for you. Do yourself a favour and forget about him. He is not worth your time and energy.

Katgurl · 20-04-2014 11:00AM

You ex (and that's what he is) is a coward. He wasn't man enough to break up with you properly so he half did it and left you to figure it out. I wouldn't even ask him for a straight answer because I don't think you should wanna be with a weasel like this. Hold your head high and move on, you deserve much better than this.

Idle Passerby · 20-04-2014 12:41PM

I have to agree with Meauldsegosha, an "indefinate break" is a break up.

Basically he's saying "we are broken up now. Someday (maybe tomorrow, maybe in 5 years, maybe never) I might decide I want you back, so I'd like you to be available if that day ever comes"

LegacyUser · 20-04-2014 12:51PM

I know what you are all saying, but I was just hoping that it might be just lonliness that has gotten to him and he signed up to a dating site. I know I'm feeling lonley without him now. Surely he can't be over me after just a week?

I think the main problem with this break is that it we were new to relationships as it was both of our first real serious relationship. Maybe you're right and he wasn't able to tell me upfront the real reason for the "break", and was really just trying to break up with me gently.

I was thinking of just doing the whole "no contact" thing and just ignore him, but it's just horrible not knowing what's really going on, and to just give up on him when I don't know the truth is just a leap I cannot take.

That's why I was thinking of confronting him. Maybe if I had a frank discussion with him he would be able to tell me once and for all where things are going, or not going.

woodchuck · 20-04-2014 02:41PM

cymbaline wrote: »

To me it looks like he wanted to play the field again but was keeping you on the back burner just in case nothing worked out for him. Your gut instinct was right - he was breaking up with you but was too cowardly to do it properly. Instead he fed you with nonsense like he really cares for you (which can mean anything) and left you waiting for him to decide when this indefinite break would finish. Take a closer look at what he's doing, rather than what's coming out of his mouth and things may become clearer for you. If he was happy in the relationship why would he have wanted this break?

Totally agree with this. Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He's going out to sow his wild oats, but if he decides he ever wants to settle down or doesn't find anyone better to settle down with, he could come sniffing around you again. You (and every woman) deserves better than that. Just treat this 'break' as a break-up and move on with your life.

Big Bag of Chips · 20-04-2014 07:07PM

heartbroken123 wrote: »

Surely he can't be over me after just a week

You've only known about this for a week. He's known about it for a lot longer. He had already come to terms with you splitting up when he said it. So he has had a few weeks headstart on you.

He tried to soften the blow, by calling it "a break". It buys him a bit of time while you get used to not being together.

I'd take this for what it is... A cowardly way of finishing with you.

Stavro Mueller · 20-04-2014 07:26PM

heartbroken123 wrote: »

I know what you are all saying, but I was just hoping that it might be just loneliness that has gotten to him and he signed up to a dating site. I know I'm feeling lonely without him now. Surely he can't be over me after just a week?

If he was feeling lonely, why didn't he pick up the phone and ring you? I bet he was the one who mostly instigated this "break", isn't he? Did he talk you into it? I'm sure if he had called you up and said he'd changed his mind about this break you'd not have said no.

I find it very hard to believe the break was anything other than a way for him to clear the decks and go onto the dating site. I'm pretty sure the thoughts of dating other men hasn't crossed your mind seriously since it happened. I reckon he either wasn't as invested in this relationship as you were or that he'd decided to break (up) and was already over it in his head.

I was thinking of just doing the whole "no contact" thing and just ignore him, but it's just horrible not knowing what's really going on, and to just give up on him when I don't know the truth is just a leap I cannot take.

That's why I was thinking of confronting him. Maybe if I had a frank discussion with him he would be able to tell me once and for all where things are going, or not going.

Seeing as he wasn't truthful about his motivations, I wouldn't hold out much hop of him giving you a straight answer. I suspect matters may be taken out of your hands anyway. As soon as he meets someone he likes enough he'll drop you like a hot snot.

LegacyUser · 21-04-2014 02:26PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You've only known about this for a week. He's known about it for a lot longer. He had already come to terms with you splitting up when he said it. So he has had a few weeks headstart on you.

He tried to soften the blow, by calling it "a break". It buys him a bit of time while you get used to not being together.

I'd take this for what it is... A cowardly way of finishing with you.

I know a lot of evidence is pointing towards what you are saying, and I am beginning to believe this myself, but how do you know what he is really thinking? I mean, I have gotten relationship advice from these forums before and what people generally say is to talk it out with your partner first and to not jump to conclusions. Is it not the same here? Should I not talk it out with him?

I don't know what to do now. We said we would stay in contact, but do you think that is a bad idea? On the one hand I don't want to just disappear and never talk to him again, but on the other, I don't want to have this lingering hope that we might get back together if he already knows its never going to happen.

Fudge You · 21-04-2014 04:31PM

Katgurl wrote: »

you deserve much better than this.

How do you know this???? We dont know enough to make comments like this.
As for the op, talk to your boyfriend/ex boyfriend and have a good conversation, and see if your relationship is over, or if there is some hope for yous.

Big Bag of Chips · 21-04-2014 06:58PM

Somebody doesn't just wake up one morning and decide to take a break from a relationship. He will have been considering it for a while. Thinking it through. Thinking how he was going to bring it up with you, what reasons he was going to give. Thinking about whether he wanted a break, or to break up. He will have thought about this for quite a while. And the fact that he suggested it to you, when you had never considered it, means he had already decided it was what he wanted, and had come to terms with not being in a relationship with you before you knew anything about it.

That we know for definite. And that is why he has gotten over it in just a week.. it's been a week for you. It's been a much longer process for him.

Now, only he can tell you if he has finished with you. But all the signs are pointing to it. Why are you "on a break"? Have things been bad between you? If you are on a break, in order to have some space away from each other, why would he suggest you stay in contact? There's a saying "How can I miss you, if you won't go away". By you remaining in contact you are not allowing yourself the time apart to figure out if you still want to be together.

I'm afraid taking a break, remaining in contact etc. all sounds to me like a gentle let down. I might be wrong, and yes, he is the only one who can tell you for certain. And to be honest, he owes you that much, to at least be honest with you. I just think what you will actually get if you talk to him is more vague clichés, and you'll still be none the wiser, until you hear he's seeing someone else.

Sorry...

RossFixxxed · 23-04-2014 11:17AM

It's over. That's the harsh fact. You may be there as a late, drunken backup if it suits him. Any semblance of a working relationship is toally gone and you need to move on.

In time you'll meet a man. Not a boy like this guy. Someone who isn't a little coward.

Best of luck OP, in time you'll see that this was a pathetic act of cowardice and you'll laugh at the little boy who couldn't even bring himself to break up with you.

If you think this will work in the future, you really need to readjust your sights. Would you want to get back with him? Maybe every second month could be a break and he can go online dating while you fret for him to take you back?

Don't look back.

Pippy1976 · 23-04-2014 11:45AM

heartbroken123 wrote: »

indefinite break

What should I do?

Well, in my mind, an indefinite break would mean that you're not getting back togetether. To answer your question, I wouldn't talk to him about it. You're on a break so it's none of your business.

And next time, think twice before snooping as you may not like what you see .. you can't un-see things.

Pippy1976 · 23-04-2014 11:47AM

heartbroken123 wrote: »

Surely he can't be over me after just a week?

And a word about this, he was over you before a week ago. People who do the breaking up often have a longer lead-in time and it's over in their heads before they've even said it to their significant other.

RossFixxxed · 23-04-2014 02:15PM

Pippy1976 wrote: »

And next time, think twice before snooping as you may not like what you see .. you can't un-see things.

This, a million times this. I have honestly wished I could go back in time and punch myself in the face before looking into things like that. Moving on is just that, it's not looking back or being pulled back to things that will upset you, and stay in your mind.

It's a bad situation for you OP and I feel for you, I just hope you don't make it worse on yourself. He's dead weight and you will be so much better off.

Sephiroth_dude · 23-04-2014 03:10PM

Pippy1976 wrote: »

And next time, think twice before snooping as you may not like what you see .. you can't un-see things.

This is so true

Time is a great healer op,you'll be over this in no time and you'll find someone worthy of your time

Big Bag of Chips · 23-04-2014 04:32PM

Pippy1976 wrote: »

And next time, think twice before snooping as you may not like what you see .. you can't un-see things.

Although in this case snooping did you a favour. If you hadn't, you'd still be sitting waiting for "the break" to be over and for him to come back to you, not realising that he was having a look at what he could do while he was deciding whether he's "on a break" or broken up.

Katgurl · 24-04-2014 01:23PM

Fudge You wrote: »

How do you know this???? We dont know enough to make comments like this.
As for the op, talk to your boyfriend/ex boyfriend and have a good conversation, and see if your relationship is over, or if there is some hope for yous.

I do know this because EVERYONE deserves a clear understanding of their relationshpo status. The OP's boyfriend has broken up with her without bothering to let her know. Even if she had carried on like Lorraine Bobbit she deserves to know whether she is single or not.

On relationshiop break but boyfriend on dating website

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