Your most embarrassing sex story

Daveysil15 · 31-03-2014 05:57PM

Chazz Michael Michaels wrote: »

My friend scored with a girl years ago, got into bed with her and tried to go downstairs only to be told she was having her period. His response was "that's ok, I'm a vampire".

She wasn't impressed.

A similar thing happened to me once except she was living in an apartment.

Chazz Michael Michaels · 31-03-2014 05:58PM

Daveysil15 wrote: »

A similar thing happened to me once except she was living in an apartment.

No stairs in apartment blocks.

holystungun9 · 31-03-2014 05:59PM

Am I the only one who has fallen on a potato?

Daveysil15 · 31-03-2014 06:00PM

Chazz Michael Michaels wrote: »

No stairs in apartment blocks.

Sorry I meant to say bungalow.

Chazz Michael Michaels · 31-03-2014 06:01PM

Daveysil15 wrote: »

Sorry I meant to say bungalow.

I accept your apology.

GalwayGuy2 · 31-03-2014 07:14PM

I tried to say it was just him being too rough and tearing me down there a bit. His reply? 'Nah, it smells like a period'

I nearly died. He ran me a bath while laughing at me

That's kind of funny.

Lucky he didn't believe though. I think a lot of men would feel pretty awful

Penny Tration · 31-03-2014 07:34PM

GalwayGuy2 wrote: »

That's kind of funny.

Lucky he didn't believe though. I think a lot of men would feel pretty awful

I know, but I had to think of something :pac:

DazMarz · 31-03-2014 07:42PM

I do have a dark/cynical sense of humour... But yeah, in hindsight, it was pretty terrible. More suited to Sickipedia than here...

Wacker The Attacker · 31-03-2014 08:00PM

This story isn't really embarrassing. Just silly.

I was mad about a girl I used to work with. After months of chasing her we finally got together.

The sex was really good but the following morning as I was leaving the latch broke of the hall door. I couldn't get out and had to leave via the living room window. When I saw her next she said the police were called as the neighbours thought I was a burglar.

Daveysil15 · 31-03-2014 08:11PM

Wacker The Attacker wrote: »

This story isn't really embarrassing. Just silly.

I was mad about a girl I used to work with. After months of chasing her we finally got together.

The sex was really good but the following morning as I was leaving the latch broke of the hall door. I couldn't get out and had to leave via the living room window. When I saw her next she said the police were called as the neighbours thought I was a burglar.

Knowing the guards they probably wouldn't have arrived half as quickly if there was an actual crime been committed.

Andy-Pandy · 31-03-2014 08:16PM

An ex of mine attempted to show me her lack of a gag reflex while giving me a blow job, she failed and puked on my knob .

Daveysil15 · 31-03-2014 08:19PM

Andy-Pandy wrote: »

An ex of mine attempted to show me her lack of a gag reflex while giving me a blow job, she failed and puked on my knob .

At least tell me she cleaned up after herself.

Wacker The Attacker · 31-03-2014 08:24PM

Daveysil15 wrote: »

Knowing the guards they probably wouldn't have arrived half as quickly if there was an actual crime been committed.

True.

poundapunnet · 31-03-2014 09:07PM

Hard to beat a good queef in someone's face for a mood-killer, but that said I was once getting intimate with a ladyfriend when I was pissed, full of confidence and whispering a stream of filth the whole way back in the taxi and up the stairs, I'm going to such-and-such your this-and-that and what have you, but right as I was getting down to business the first thing I did was slip and headbutt her in the fanny.

shopaholic01 · 31-03-2014 09:10PM

poundapunnet wrote: »

Hard to beat a good queef in someone's face for a mood-killer, but that said I was once getting intimate with a ladyfriend when I was pissed, full of confidence and whispering a stream of filth the whole way back in the taxi and up the stairs, I'm going to such-and-such your this-and-that and what have you, but right as I was getting down to business the first thing I did was slip and headbutt her in the fanny.

Daveysil15 · 31-03-2014 09:16PM

poundapunnet wrote: »

Hard to beat a good queef in someone's face for a mood-killer, but that said I was once getting intimate with a ladyfriend when I was pissed, full of confidence and whispering a stream of filth the whole way back in the taxi and up the stairs, I'm going to such-and-such your this-and-that and what have you, but right as I was getting down to business the first thing I did was slip and headbutt her in the fanny.

I think you've misinterpreted the phrase 'giving head.'

rawn · 31-03-2014 09:30PM

Daveysil15 wrote: »

I think you've misinterpreted the phrase 'giving head.'

Or maybe be we have

myshirt · 31-03-2014 09:39PM

Poundapunnet, that's hilarious!

poundapunnet · 31-03-2014 09:42PM

rawn wrote: »

Or maybe be we have

No, no, would not recommend it.

holystungun9 · 31-03-2014 09:58PM

poundapunnet wrote: »

Hard to beat a good queef in someone's face for a mood-killer, but that said I was once getting intimate with a ladyfriend when I was pissed, full of confidence and whispering a stream of filth the whole way back in the taxi and up the stairs, I'm going to such-and-such your this-and-that and what have you, but right as I was getting down to business the first thing I did was slip and headbutt her in the fanny.

I've used the line "I'm gonna wear you like a fuppin' glove". However crude that may be I think that it's better than "I'm gonna wear you like a fuppin' crash helmet."

myshirt · 31-03-2014 10:02PM

I was 17 and seeing a 23 yr old lady on/off.

Out on the town, drank a few tins, meet this girl, all going well. Back to hers.
Takes the gogo off her wrist, up with the hair, and off you go.

Nodded off. Both of us. I awake 2 hours later, banging headache, plastered drunk and stumbled from her room to the jacks in just my jocks.
While gaining my composure / adjusting to the light, there's a knock on the door. Well, more of a banging.

"Kate, are you alright!? Open the door"

It's her father. She lives with her parents.

That moment if any in my life was when I sobered up the quickest.

whiskeyman · 31-03-2014 10:46PM

^^ keep going!!

GreeBo · 01-04-2014 09:40AM

whiskeyman wrote: »

^^ keep going!!

thats what *she* said.

bear1 · 01-04-2014 09:47AM

Forgot this story:

When I first hooked up with my ex was on St.Paddys day around 2006.
Both got fairly plastered and headed back to where she was staying.
Did the dirty deed and fell unconscious to bed.
In the morning I hear a scream and we both wake up still in the nip and me with morning wood.
The mother had walked into the house and found a used condom left on the washing machine with the "liquid" still in it which had then spilt onto her hands.
The kitchen was connected to the living room where we were sleeping, so not only did she get my juice on her hands (don't know why she touched it) but also saw her daughter bollock naked and me with a hard on.
Needless to say I was fecked out the door.

sbsquarepants · 01-04-2014 10:18AM

myshirt wrote: »

Takes the gogo off her wrist, up with the hair, and off you go.

.

Sorry, what??:eek::eek:
Is that a euphemism, or what in the name of jaysus is a gogo?:D

Zil2011 · 01-04-2014 10:22AM

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Sorry, what??:eek::eek:
Is that a euphemism, or what in the name of jaysus is a gogo?:D

It's a bobbin - for tying up your hair!

holystungun9 · 01-04-2014 02:07PM

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Sorry, what??:eek::eek:
Is that a euphemism, or what in the name of jaysus is a gogo?:D

Zil2011 wrote: »

It's a bobbin - for tying up your hair!

the story was better when i had to guess what a gogo was.:(

Daveysil15 · 01-04-2014 05:26PM

bear1 wrote: »

Forgot this story:

When I first hooked up with my ex was on St.Paddys day around 2006.
Both got fairly plastered and headed back to where she was staying.
Did the dirty deed and fell unconscious to bed.
In the morning I hear a scream and we both wake up still in the nip and me with morning wood.
The mother had walked into the house and found a used condom left on the washing machine with the "liquid" still in it which had then spilt onto her hands.
The kitchen was connected to the living room where we were sleeping, so not only did she get my juice on her hands (don't know why she touched it) but also saw her daughter bollock naked and me with a hard on. Needless to say I was fecked out the door.

She probably thought it was a liquitab for the washing machine. :pac:

lemansky · 02-04-2014 11:30AM

Daveysil15 wrote: »

She probably thought it was a liquitab for the washing machine. :pac:

Keeps your clothes whiter than white, wash after wash.

jigglypuffstuff · 13-04-2014 03:00AM

First time i had sex with my now ex gf

I was a few days off a fight so i was cutting weight pretty well (about 10% bf)

It was the first time in a few months for me..so we literally had a marathon session (from 10pm-5am)

about halfway through I reached into my bag and pulled out a tin of tuna and a tupperware of brocolli and began to chow down

im glad she saw the funny side to it, funny enough my dedication appeared to arouse her! :P

still cant believe i did that

Your most embarrassing sex story

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