Things I don't get about Irish weddings MOD WARNING POST #322

freshpopcorn · 14-03-2014 07:40PM

One thing I don't get about wedding's (not just Irish one's) who do people go to them and then complain about going to them/after them.

Toots · 14-03-2014 07:47PM

eviltwin wrote: »

I really hate the inevitable "any news" you get after you get married ( although I'm sure all couples get it, not just Irish ones ).

+1 I really don't get this. It's downright rude, for all the person asking knows the couple could have trouble getting pregnant, or even just not want kids. It's nobody's business anyway

I thought of another two things (music related) that I don't get:

1. How come for the last dance of the night when everyone gets up with the bride & groom do they play that 'New York, New York' song? Every wedding I've been to (bar my own and one other) has had this.

2. Why do some djs play the national anthem at the end of the night?

Calmsurrender · 14-03-2014 07:52PM

You have your house, you have a toaster, kettle etc. You have everything you need. You've paid for your wedding. Yet a lot of b&g's start counting on what money they will get as gifts.
Why? You have everything you need, why you want more?

On this, I know most people will say we'd be happy not to get any gifts and other people will be the opposite and factor the gifts into their budget!!
The reason for this IMO is tradition, Irish people tend to gift generously for weddings. Yes it doesn't make sense in this day and age but it still happens.
Even if a couple were to write on the inivites please don't give us gifts and tell everyone they know not to, most people will STILL bring a gift of some sort anything from a photo frame, voucher for dinner out , engraved candlesticks or cash in the card.
Some couples will say please donate to our chosen charity if you absolutely feel the need to give a gift. Nice thing to do right?
No sure that's met with Internet rants of "how dare that smug couple FORCE me to donate to a charity I don't care for while getting all the glory for themselves"

So to summarise the gifts , for now, are inevitable. some people go to far in their expectations ( or demands even!!) of course, but I would hope most couples just see it as something they can't really control and that's why they factor it in.

Calmsurrender · 14-03-2014 07:56PM

Toots* wrote: »

+1 I really don't get this. It's downright rude, for all the person asking knows the couple could have trouble getting pregnant, or even just not want kids. It's nobody's business anyway

I thought of another two things (music related) that I don't get:

1. How come for the last dance of the night when everyone gets up with the bride & groom do they play that 'New York, New York' song? Every wedding I've been to (bar my own and one other) has had this.

2. Why do some djs play the national anthem at the end of the night?

I thought they played come fly with me? Haven't heard New York, but maybe it's coz that's traditionally when the B&g would disappear off and not be seen again til after their honeymoon? Just a guess

National Anthem have heard this at other functions not just weddings and have no idea , it's gas though I march and demand people stand - Father Jack style

Toots · 14-03-2014 07:58PM

I was actually hoping someone did give us a toaster for a wedding present! My toaster is a piece of crap but the hubby won't let me bin it cos it still works, you just have to do each slice twice to get it toasted. If I'd gotten a toaster wedding present I'd have been able to throw it out and use the nice new one!

Toots · 14-03-2014 08:20PM

Calmsurrender wrote: »

I thought they played come fly with me? Haven't heard New York, but maybe it's coz that's traditionally when the B&g would disappear off and not be seen again til after their honeymoon? Just a guess
National Anthem have heard this at other functions not just weddings and have no idea , it's gas though I march and demand people stand - Father Jack style

Yes, Come Fly With Me makes sense alright. I wonder if in years past New York was a very popular honeymoon destination and it's just playing the song has carried on.

The national anthem bit I'm really curious about! I've heard it played at other functions too, but would love to know where it started. I asked that it not be played at my wedding because half of my family are from northern Ireland, and lets just say it wouldn't have been very appropriate.

Calmsurrender · 14-03-2014 08:29PM

I've been to plays and shows and stuff where the national anthem was played at the start which I kinda see why but I must go on a quest now to find out why it's at the end

mrsbyrne · 14-03-2014 09:06PM

When we were planning our wedding 18 years ago my husband was totally ambivalent aboutthe actual mechanics of the day itself. He was keen to move on to this next stage. Formal commitment, possibly becoming a parent etc, but really did not mind how it happened, as long as it happened.
Well I'm a practising committed Catholic so the religious element was the most important bit to me.
I wanted a small wedding, immediate family only, followed by lunch with us leaving soon after for a weekend break in England.
And this is exactly what we did.
My husbands father in particular was very upset and tried to force my husband into asking extended family of his choice but my husband just pointed out that it was our wedding and if people wanted to take offence at our choices then that would be a shame but as adults we needed everyone to respect our right to do this thing our way.
I would be concerned about a couple embarking on a future together if they cant give one another 100% support.
A female relative threatening to cry and huff if the wedding isn't in a church should have been kindly but firmly told that she was welcome at the wedding the bride and groom organised and paid for, but that she was not going to be allowed to spoil the day for everybody else.

Neyite · 14-03-2014 09:33PM

Lol. You are comparing your guest list issue with ramming religion down a non-believers throat. NOT the same thing!

I'm being given the choice of a decades long fued and strained family gatherings or towing the line by one practising catholic If I don't get married in a catholic ceremony yet another practicing catholic basically calls me hypocritical and implies I'm a pushover. Can't win really can I?

My post clearly stated it would be more than just a huff on the day. It would be months of drama leading up to the wedding, her spouse who is in ill health already would get stressed, other family members would get fed up and try and persuade us to capitulate to give them all peace, and if we did stand our ground as you so blithely suggest we should, the atmosphere on our day would be terrible.And there would digs and mutterings forever more about not being properly married.

I'm respectful of your faith and beliefs but it seems Catholics don't seem to be able to return the courtesy.

Let me guess, as a practising catholic you'll no doubt feel it important that your son or daughter have a catholic ceremony?

ABajaninCork · 14-03-2014 09:56PM

I got married here as it was a lot cheaper than getting married in London, believe it or not. And it was at the height of the Celtic Tiger!

I got married in church as both my husband and I are practicing Catholics. Not only that, but being Barbadian and Irish a civil ceremony was never going to cut it with Irish Mammy and Bajan Mummy. My cousin married in a registry office and to this day, it still upsets her mother. And my cousin's been happily married for 10 years!

I had to laugh. Someone I know insisted on marrying in church as 'it was more holy'. Not to mention the fact the church was very picturesque...But they don't see the inside of a church between weddings, christenings and funerals! So I don't like the expectation that the couple marry in church 'as it's not a real wedding if you don't' Couple must do things to suit THEM and no-one else.

I don't like the expectation that you MUST have a hen/stag night. WHY?? Personally, I think they're tacky and heap more expense on an already expensive day. So I avoid them like the plague. Especially when they're abroad...

I don't understand the concept of asking for cash gifts 'to cover the cost of the wedding'. WHY?? If you can't afford all the bells and whistles you want, then scale the wedding back. I've heard of couples having to take out loans to pay for the wedding afterwards as they didn't get enough cash gifts. Madness, IMO. Last I heard, the Celtic Tiger was RIP.

And I HATE those twee little poems asking for cash gifts. It's better if you must ask, to be direct about it. Personally, we didn't have a gift list and just wanted people to come. But in the end just asked for Debs & Marks vouchers as people kept asking about gifts.

cofy · 14-03-2014 10:03PM

mrsbyrne wrote: »

I wanted a small wedding, immediate family only, followed by lunch with us leaving soon after for a weekend break in England.
And this is exactly what we did.
My husbands father in particular was very upset and tried to force my husband into asking extended family of his choice but my husband just pointed out that it was our wedding and if people wanted to take offence at our choices then that would be a shame but as adults we needed everyone to respect our right to do this thing our way.
I would be concerned about a couple embarking on a future together if they cant give one another 100% support.
A female relative threatening to cry and huff if the wedding isn't in a church should have been kindly but firmly told that she was welcome at the wedding the bride and groom organised and paid for, but that she was not going to be allowed to spoil the day for everybody else.

This is almost the same as what we did (the small wedding, just immediate family), except in our case the priest waited for my then fiance to go to work and called to the house to have a little word about the wedding. He told me that I could not be taking the wedding seriously with so few people invited.

We were getting married in my home place by a wonderful priest, I was half way down the aisle when the best man came running towards us telling us to go back, the priest from the parish I am living in now had delayed the priest we asked to marry us in the sacristy talking about money counters.

Neyite · 14-03-2014 10:19PM

Oh yes! I don't get elaborate hens or stage, especially abroad.

Grand, have a few scoops with your best mates, but 3 day themed extravaganzas abroad? No thanks! Then you have to attend the 'home' hen to include the ones who couldn't go abroad... Nuts!!

And some brides are even adding a bridal shower on TOP of a couple of hens

BabysCoffee · 14-03-2014 10:20PM

Neyite wrote: »

Oh yes! I don't get elaborate hens or stage, especially abroad.

Grand, have a few scoops with your best mates, but 3 day themed extravaganzas abroad? No thanks! Then you have to attend the 'home' hen to include the ones who couldn't go abroad... Nuts!!

And some brides are even adding a bridal shower on TOP of a couple of hens

Yes I agree!!

I don't get why the Hen party turned into weekend affairs or week sun hols.

Calmsurrender · 14-03-2014 10:24PM

Bridal showers !! Are they a thing here now? That's not Irish.

I don't get the whole hen/stag culture 3-6 months before the wedding ... Yes going out the night before the wedding is not a good move but these weekend/week long drinking sessions held months before the actual wedding are purely just so as much money can be spent on them as possible it would seem.
But then, it's their money, their life if they want a big piss up off with them

ABajaninCork · 14-03-2014 10:30PM

clint_silver wrote: »

sky lantrins (SIC). yaay. Not. everyone gets reluctantly ushered outside for a very underwhelming 30 minutes to the freezing cold while B&G hope the local farmers barn doesnt catch fire

Not only are sky lanterns tacky. They are also dangerous. A lot of venues will not allow then for H & S reasons. Same thing goes for fireworks. Hell - some venues/churches don't allow confetti either!

mrsbyrne · 14-03-2014 10:42PM

I really do feel sorry and puzzled that you think the only choice you had was to totally give in to this persons demands or risk what sounds like a life of utter hell.
Does everyone in your fiances family really just let her dictate what happens regarding family occasions?
Will she not now be insisting on baptisms etc going forward?

When and if my daughter wants to get married she can get married however she likes and I will, please God, be standing right there beside her.
Adults shouldn't be telling other adults what to do. Simples.

Toots · 14-03-2014 10:59PM

I've just had to delete a rake of off topic/argumentative posts. Last warning, if people can't stick to the topic and not go off on rants I'll lock the thread.

Please remember that just because you dislike/don't agree with something, doesn't mean it's crap/stupid/pointless. Different strokes for different folks. Everyone's entitled to make their own choices. I'd ask that posters be respectful of other people's opinions rather than be confrontational.

Neyite · 14-03-2014 11:27PM

mrsbyrne wrote: »

I really do feel sorry and puzzled that you think the only choice you had was to totally give in to this persons demands or risk what sounds like a life of utter hell.
Does everyone in your fiances family really just let her dictate what happens regarding family occasions?
Will she not now be insisting on baptisms etc going forward?

When and if my daughter wants to get married she can get married however she likes and I will, please God, be standing right there beside her.
Adults shouldn't be telling other adults what to do. Simples.

I compromised on a big issue because its important to my partner. We met halfway with a compromise that we both were happy with. Isn't that what marriage is?

Getting married in a church is important to my fiance. Ultimately, it does not matter what the reasons are, it just is. Not partaking in a mass is important to me. So we compromised.

The christening issue was already taken care of since we have a child already. Nobody dictated there. We christened. But I'm not going to derail the thread any further by opening up discussion on that can of worms. :pac:

Arbiter of Good Taste · 14-03-2014 11:35PM

We got married recently and got quite a lot of money as gifts. We did not factor this into our costs and were amazed (and very grateful and humbled) at people's generosity.

However, a lot of people who didn't give cash, for some reason gave candlesticks. We got some very beautiful candlesticks, but I'm not joking, we could open a church or something with the amount of candles and candlesticks we received between engagement and wedding gifts.

What is it with that? Is the view now that you can never have enough candles?

lazygal · 14-03-2014 11:36PM

Neyite wrote: »

I compromised on a big issue because its important to my partner. We met halfway with a compromise that we both were happy with. Isn't that what marriage is?

Getting married in a church is important to my fiance. Ultimately, it does not matter what the reasons are, it just is. Not partaking in a mass is important to me. So we compromised.

The christening issue was already taken care of since we have a child already. Nobody dictated there. We christened. But I'm not going to derail the thread any further by opening up discussion on that can of worms. :pac:

I know you're not bothered about this and don't want a debate but I think it's really sad that a third party is being appeased because of emotional blackmail. I'd have hated to start married life knowing we'd given into a relative throwing a hissy fit.

Neyite · 14-03-2014 11:59PM

lazygal wrote: »

I know you're not bothered about this and don't want a debate but I think it's really sad that a third party is being appeased because of emotional blackmail. I'd have hated to start married life knowing we'd given into a relative throwing a hissy fit.

I know, its taken me since August to be ok about this, and its put paid to any notion that she and I can be friends - that is gone now, and we used to get on really well. Since then I've gone from going to her house every couple of weekends and hanging out with her having long chats, to only showing my face at family occasions and interacting with her as little as possible.

Its not a frivolous decision because I think churches are pretty, or caring what the neighbours think. I had to look at the big picture, not just the wedding day. It really is about my partner and his relationship with his mother. If that gets damaged, the whole family suffer by extension. If we dont talk to the mother, our son misses out on seeing a grandmother, Grandad will support grandmother so he misses his grandson and son also. Plus then the rest of the family dont get to see us as often because some of their free time will be spent with the mother. And their family occasions become strained and awkward for all.

And this could go on for years. And cause lots of hurt in the process on all sides. She simply cannot see beyond the catholic doctrine. She is absolutely indoctrinated, but not a bad person. She genuinely feels that it would be wrong to not have a church wedding. I feel sorry for her. How sad is it that your beliefs blind you so much it damages your relationship with your son and future daughter in law? That 15 mins or so out of my wedding day will mean little to me in the long run and I'll still love my wedding day but its cost her dearly.

rainbow kirby · 15-03-2014 12:07AM

ABajaninCork wrote: »

I got married here as it was a lot cheaper than getting married in London, believe it or not. And it was at the height of the Celtic Tiger!

It's the same now - we're still trying to decide whether to get married in London or in Ireland, and it's horrendously expensive to get married here! An Irish-style hotel package is coming up at literally twice the price of something in Dublin.

lazygal · 15-03-2014 12:10AM

Do you really think that? I've noticed more and more couples calling relatives' bluffs about this and invariably said relatives turn up and life goes on, but without the difficult relatives knowing they can get their way. We had a bit of it in our family but we are so glad we didn't give in. Our marriage is stronger for it too.

Calmsurrender · 15-03-2014 12:11AM

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

We got married recently and got quite a lot of money as gifts. We did not factor this into our costs and were amazed (and very grateful and humbled) at people's generosity.

However, a lot of people who didn't give cash, for some reason gave candlesticks. We got some very beautiful candlesticks, but I'm not joking, we could open a church or something with the amount of candles and candlesticks we received between engagement and wedding gifts.

What is it with that? Is the view now that you can never have enough candles?

Because people want to give something "nice". So they got to a "nice" shop and buy a "nice" looking thing.
I have a terrible fear of fire...so anyone who'd know me well would not buy this for me, yet still I have 3 or 4 sets of beautiful candlesticks in my press!! Coz people feel they have to bring a gift

Neyite · 15-03-2014 12:16AM

lazygal wrote: »

Do you really think that? I've noticed more and more couples calling relatives' bluffs about this and invariably said relatives turn up and life goes on, but without the difficult relatives knowing they can get their way. We had a bit of it in our family but we are so glad we didn't give in. Our marriage is stronger for it too.

You are probably right, and like I said in my original post, if it were my family, I'd have no problem telling them where to go. In fact, I'm known for it.

But I don't think my fiance could, he is the one who feels there will be a long fall-out.. And it's his bridges potentially being burned, not mine, so I'll let him make the call on that one and support his decision in so far that I can. That's all I can do.

Though we are planning to have another baby before setting a date, so I've plenty of time to float nice civil venues under his nose and get him thinking.

mulamike · 15-03-2014 12:18AM

freshpopcorn wrote: »

One thing I don't get about wedding's (not just Irish one's) who do people go to them and then complain about going to them/after them.

Sometimes going to a wedding is the lesser of two evils - you may not want to go, but do so out of a sense of loyalty to someone.

People complain about their jobs, complain about their other halves, complain about things they themselves have chosen to do.

It is tiresome though when you have oul ones complaining about every trivial detail.

eyescreamcone · 15-03-2014 12:25AM

eviltwin wrote: »

I really hate the inevitable "any news" you get after you get married ( although I'm sure all couples get it, not just Irish ones ).

I've used the response

"No news yet, she like the anal sex too much"

Usually shuts them up!!

Mrs OBumble · 15-03-2014 01:52AM

Calmsurrender wrote: »

I've been to plays and shows and stuff where the national anthem was played at the start which I kinda see why but I must go on a quest now to find out why it's at the end

It occasionally happens in more rural pub / session situations too. Basically the band's way of saying "show's over lads" - because of course no one can play anything after it.

Here's another angle: I'm a practising Catholic, he's been thru lots of churches but basically doesn't believe in God. To him, a wedding is a public promise and he doesn't care if there are any civil/legal ramifications. To me it's a public promise made to the spouse but made in front of God and the church community and with legal/civil implications.

So I've said he doesn't stand a snowballs chance in hell (to quote a phrase) of marrying me if it's not in a church. Because quite frankly, if it's not done in front of a church-community then I just don't see the point of doing it at all (except for the tax-breaks).

And to bring this post back to what I hate about Irish weddings: stags and hens. I just don't see the point of having one final slutty weekend if you're actually in love and committed to marrying someone. And the rest (getting drunk, going out with the girls/boys) is still something you'll do after the wedding anyways.

amdublin · 15-03-2014 08:38AM

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

And to bring this post back to what I hate about Irish weddings: stags and hens. I just don't see the point of having one final slutty weekend if you're actually in love and committed to marrying someone. And the rest (getting drunk, going out with the girls/boys) is still something you'll do after the wedding anyways.

Well I don't know about them being "slutty" but I don't get the way they are two nights/weekends away big things. Hen parties used to be just one night out and were more than adequate imo.

Berty · 15-03-2014 08:45AM

I read page 1 of this thread 2 days ago and came back to find this madness. Lol

Anyway, this is a reason why I tell nobody my plans for our wedding in detail because somebody will always elect to take exception to personal choices that we make.

Things I don't get about Irish weddings MOD WARNING POST #322

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