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is this going anywhere?

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  • #32
    rcarroll
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 173 ✭✭rcarroll


    By the way the issue we had last year was he said he wanted space and found living with me too intense - basically, as he had no friends here we were with each other pretty much 24/7....but in the end it turned out that whilst that was a bit of an issue it boiled down to wanting to experiment sexually but was too afraid to ask. Once he realised i was ok with the things he wanted to try, he was happy as larry and said that was what was behind all the rest of things. I was pretty mad that he'd let it get to that stage before talking, and again, this time round, I told him that whilst he's made improvements, I've tried to talk about the move home and his feelings a few times and he hadn't engaged. And this time again he's let it get to the stage of breaking up before he'll talk about his fears


  • #33
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,132 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    I'd have to agree with the above. It sounds like he cares about you but he is essentially happy to keep it casual for now. He's trying to keep you happy by giving you a token gesture in the medium term (getting a house together when you move back) but even that level of commitment is making him uncomfortable.

    I think it would be frustrating and disheartening for you in the long term, feeling like you have to push him forward all the time with developments that should be happening naturally.


  • #34
    rcarroll
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 173 ✭✭rcarroll


    Hi Merkin,

    Marriage isn't - feeling that there's a commitment there is.....kids are though - I'd love myself to wait till I was 40 but I know that's impossible and I've said that to him....he said he's just not sure if he wants them


  • #35
    rcarroll
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 173 ✭✭rcarroll


    Hi Idle

    I agree and said that to him - that I don't want to push for commitment from him as I'd be unhappy long term with that....

    but then again- the fact that he's looking asking me back to Ireland as equal to signing up to the rest of our lives together means he's not seeing it as casual and if I go back he knows that it won't be, that it'll be a big commitment


  • #36
    Tokyo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,656 ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    It seems to me as if he's trying to keep you on the hook, but at the end of a very long line. He makes the minimum commitment necessary to stop you from jumping ship completely, and enough to plans the seeds of "maybe there is a possibility of a future", while still maintaining the exact same distance he did when you wrote the first post here.

    At this stage I think you need to be having conversations about a more permanent future plan than 'maybe we could look at the price of renting a place back home together and see if he can afford it", and if he can't commit to more, then I think that you should be reconsidering your relationship, simply because it doesn't tally up with what you are looking for in life.


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  • #37
    Merkin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    I think for someone who is so uncomfortable about even the prospect of living with you again, then he is not going to be wanting kids any time soon. This is no reflection on you, it just seems like you are at totally different stages in your lives and while he seems fond of you etc I wouldn't allow myself to indulge in false hopes.

    When someone wants to commit to you (be it through marriage or kids or both) they leave you in no doubt about it. It doesn't involve brow-beating or pleading or lengthy talks. It's just easy. You're both on the same page and these developments are just organic, happening naturally as love grows deeper. It's what you both want.

    You say he won't engage with you and I think that's because he won't actually be brutally honest with you and tell you that it's simply not going to happen. Because that means you'll have to break up when he mightn't necessarily want that.

    Sorry to be so brutal, I really think you're wasting your time.


  • #38
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,132 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    rcarroll wrote: »
    Hi Idle

    I agree and said that to him - that I don't want to push for commitment from him as I'd be unhappy long term with that....

    but then again- the fact that he's looking asking me back to Ireland as equal to signing up to the rest of our lives together means he's not seeing it as casual and if I go back he knows that it won't be, that it'll be a big commitment

    They are just vague maybe's. He hasn't actually done anything to suggest he wants a future with you. And it seems even the vague promises have to be dragged out of him.

    What you've said about how getting a place together in Ireland would be a big commitment for him doesnt ring true either. You already live together, so all he's doing is agreeing for it to stay as it already is.


  • #39
    rcarroll
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 173 ✭✭rcarroll


    Living together would be a big commitment as financially he cant afford to and i had offered to support him while he starts his business...he said a) he feels that would be too much to ask to which i teplied thats what being in a partnership is about....and tbh i said maybe we see this rel differently then...and his second doubt was that itd b too much for me to give when he's not sure about kids and what if a yr later he doesnt want them he'd feel really bad that id put myself out so much and he'd feel obligated or tied to have kids cos of it......

    I dont know what he can do to show he's committed as offering to live together now doesnt feel enough... I kind of wish he'd left things broken up as now I feel on hold and desperate for clutching at straws... :'-(


  • #40
    Merkin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    rcarroll wrote: »
    I dont know what he can do to show he's committed

    But the point I have been trying to make to you is that he is NOT committed so expecting him to SHOW you commitment really is a contradiction in terms when it doesn't actually exist.


  • #41
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,132 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    rcarroll wrote: »
    I dont know what he can do to show he's committed as offering to live together now doesnt feel enough... I kind of wish he'd left things broken up as now I feel on hold and desperate for clutching at straws... :'-(

    Then leave it broken up. He is not being kind in keeping you on the hook but offering nothing. Despite sounding like a nice enough guy, he is only doing this because it suits him to leave it up in the air. It obviously makes you very unhappy though.

    The truth is, he is nowhere near being ready to make the kind of commitment you want. Do you either wait in the wings, possibly for years, for him to maybe want a real commitment someday, or do you admit you have given him enough time already and make the decision that will mean you are in charge of your own future instead of leaving it up to him to decide.


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  • #42
    seenitall
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,733 ✭✭✭seenitall


    rcarroll wrote: »
    clutching at straws... :'-(

    Hi OP,

    having read the thread, I agree with most on here. I think you are really clutching at straws from your bf here, but he is also partly to blame for leading you on.

    It looks to me the situation is exactly Mike says, your bf is not ready to let you go but is being very careful not to commit to any kind of definite future with you either, giving you just enough rope so you will end up hanging your own self on your dashed hopes.

    I realise that your feelings are clouding your judgment right now, you are human after all, but honestly, isn't what he said about being scared that he'll fall for someone else in the future, a big red flag for you?? That isn't the talk from someone who is in love with their gf, that is the talk from someone who has one foot out the door already - I'd be heartbroken if a bf told me something like that!!

    I think you know exactly what is happening here, he is too young and inexperienced for you and will, in time, be looking for pastures new. All this talk of to-ing and fro-ing on kids and houses and businesses is just papering over that painful fact. The two of you are on different pages in life and that can't be helped.

    Given his inexperience, he probably doesn't know how to break up a proper relationship properly. I would be doing it for him if I were you, OP, that is honestly the best thing you can do for both of ye right now.

    DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME ON SOMETHING YOUR GUT IS TELLING YOU IS ALL WRONG. You would be sorry if you did, OP, this has heartbreak written all over it.

    Be on your own for a while, you need it, and in time you will find someone who will be compatible and then it will be easy. You will look back in amazement on how much energy you expanded on something that wasn't worth it.

    Best wishes.


  • #43
    Merkin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    Idle Passerby wrote: »
    Then leave it broken up. He is not being kind in keeping you on the hook but offering nothing.

    But I think the OP is equally as culpable here Idle, if not moreso.

    She is persisting on keeping this thing going when he has expressly said he doesn't want children for most probably 10 years, if at all. All the signs are there that he's not invested in this. The impetus is equally with the OP to put an end to the relationship so I honestly don't feel he is leading her on when he has been quite honest in saying he won't commit.


  • #44
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,132 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    Merkin wrote: »
    But I think the OP is equally as culpable here Idle, if not moreso.

    She is persisting on keeping this thing going when he has expressly said he doesn't want children for most probably 10 years, if at all. All the signs are there that he's not invested in this. The impetus is equally with the OP to put an end to the relationship so I honestly don't feel he is leading her on when he has been quite honest in saying he won't commit.

    That is a fair point.

    OP, all the hoping for change in the world wont make it happen. It sounds to me like he is giving you an out with all his hesitancy (whether he consciously admits that's what it is or not). He is happy with it the way it is. He has admitted he isn't interested in it moving forward in the foreseeable future, in fact he would be happier with it becoming more distant.

    You say you wished he had left it broken up. Why don't you choose to end it. Don't leave the decision in his hands as he is happy with it the way it is, he has no reason to want to break up but you do.


  • #45
    purplecow1977
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,877 ✭✭✭purplecow1977


    The signs would be setting off an alarm in my head. It doesn't sound like he wants you around so why would you force it? Sadly it appears he's just too much of a coward to break up with you so why don't you have a bit of courage and do it? It's best in the long run I would imagine.


  • #46
    Chara1001
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 291 ✭✭Chara1001


    I'm not sure what else he can tell you op.
    What I think it boils down to is:

    1. He is moving home and is in no way encouraging you even though you are open to the idea, in fact he is discouraging you.
    2. You want a commitment (marriage) and he explicitly doesn't.
    3. You want to have children and he doesn't (if he did, he would just say 'yes', not some days i think i would like to and some days not). But to leave the door slightly ajar on the subject, he has given you enough hope to think you can change his mind.
    4. Op, to wait 10 years on a slight hope would be a very very silly thing to do.

    I know how horrible these conversations are, but you really have to listen to him. He's saying no.


  • #47
    rcarroll
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 173 ✭✭rcarroll


    Id left things as they were..he moved into a hostel and we both stared looking for a flat. He came round today and started asking where I want to live when we go back and that he's found a few.flats and where do I want to live longterm and that he'd just.been freaked out by the idea of committing to so long and that he wasnt sure what he'll be able to afford in the next few years as he doesnt know of his company will work....he had found the idea of a mortgage etc scary and doesnt know if he'll be able to give me that for a longer time than I was thinking....he also said he'd wanted.kids later bt hadnt realised i was under time pressure and had oroginally planned


  • #48
    rcarroll
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 173 ✭✭rcarroll


    Sorry writing on a mobile

    so he'd originally planned kids later than what i was suggesting and wasnt ready to consider earlier but now he says he is and wants a family with me and ok, it might have to be earlier than he originally planned....

    So now im confused....he's just done an about turn...i also said why are ou talking about ireland as we're broken up....he got a shock and said he thought we were just talking and I needed a few days space.....i said eh...we're lookkng at seperate flats???

    As for his comment about wanting to live seperately for space he claims its cos eveery time we were home we lived seperately and he enjoyed it and wasthinking


  • #49
    purplecow1977
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,877 ✭✭✭purplecow1977


    Sounds like a rollercoaster relationship - up, down, down, up, up etc.

    Your messages are kind of confusing to read also, was that last one finished????? :/


  • #50
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,132 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    Actions speak louder than words. He is saying something new but I wouldn't be too quick to believe there will actually be any follow through. To me it looks like he's just trying to get you back on side.

    Surely he's not so dim that he didn't realise you'd broken up. Seems to me the only thing he doesn't realise is how serious you are about wanting a serious relationship.


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