is it acceptable to cry after the death of a loved one?

Amprodude · 05-02-2014 05:54PM #1

Recently my granddad passed away and i miss him. I was very close to him growing up and he died of a slow and long illness. The day i heard he passed away i was in work and there was tears in my eyes when i heard he had finally passed away. One girl i work with heard about it and she sympathised with me and said she knew what i was going through. However i left early that day and when i was gone the same girl according to my friend who works with me and i trust started saying to the other co workers that i was too soft and that other people wouldnt be crying after a granddad. To me my granddad was one of my best friends and he lived with me when i was growing up. The same girl also said that we now have an excuse to visit my hometown where my granddads wake and funeral was.She retracted what she said saying "she shouldnt have said that" .This is so horrible to hear and she doesnt really care about me in general nor the death of my granddad. I have taken a dislike to this girl over this.

I know i shouldnt care what she thinks but i took it as a right insult.

Im a bit upset about it and i would like a bit of advice.

appreciated.

P. Breathnach · 05-02-2014 06:06PM

You had a normal reaction to the death of somebody who mattered to you (and I offer my condolences).

She was being stupid. Try to shrug it off. Most people say or do stupid things at times.

m'lady · 05-02-2014 06:07PM

Amprodude wrote: »

Recently my granddad passed away and i miss him. I was very close to him growing up and he died of a slow and long illness. The day i heard he passed away i was in work and there was tears in my eyes when i heard he had finally passed away. One girl i work with heard about it and she sympathised with me and said she knew what i was going through. However i left early that day and when i was gone the same girl according to my friend who works with me and i trust started saying to the other co workers that i was too soft and that other people wouldnt be crying after a granddad. To me my granddad was one of my best friends and he lived with me when i was growing up. The same girl also said that we now have an excuse to visit my hometown where my granddads wake and funeral was.She retracted what she said saying "she shouldnt have said that" .This is so horrible to hear and she doesnt really care about me in general nor the death of my granddad. I have taken a dislike to this girl over this.

I know i shouldnt care what she thinks but i took it as a right insult.

Im a bit upset about it and i would like a bit of advice.

appreciated.

First of all I'm really sorry for your loss. Of course it's acceptable and normal to cry over the death of loved ones, and to be honest it sounds to me like she was talking stupid for the sake of it, and is just a bitchy person.

Don't let her affect you grieving for your grandfather, she's not worth it.

x2b1 · 05-02-2014 06:07PM

Amprodude wrote: »

Recently my granddad passed away and i miss him. I was very close to him growing up and he died of a slow and long illness. The day i heard he passed away i was in work and there was tears in my eyes when i heard he had finally passed away. One girl i work with heard about it and she sympathised with me and said she knew what i was going through. However i left early that day and when i was gone the same girl according to my friend who works with me and i trust started saying to the other co workers that i was too soft and that other people wouldnt be crying after a granddad. To me my granddad was one of my best friends and he lived with me when i was growing up. The same girl also said that we now have an excuse to visit my hometown where my granddads wake and funeral was.She retracted what she said saying "she shouldnt have said that" .This is so horrible to hear and she doesnt really care about me in general nor the death of my granddad. I have taken a dislike to this girl over this.

I know i shouldnt care what she thinks but i took it as a right insult.

Im a bit upset about it and i would like a bit of advice.

appreciated.

I am really sorry to hear this and for your loss. Yes of course it is normal to cry for a loved one. I did when both my grandmothers died. (I never met my grandfathers)
Please ignore this horrible girl and her insensitivity. The problem is that there a few more people like her but there is plenty more that are not.
Focus on the good memories with your grandad and this will help you with your loss. Do not give any more thought to this woman as she is not worth it.

Tokyo · 05-02-2014 06:20PM

"Loved one" is the key phrase here. The girl was as insensitive as all hell here, but she's right in a way - a lot of people simply aren't very close to their grandparents, and therefore will not feel the loss as much. You do feel the loss, because you both had a close relationship. She may not have the same sense of closeness with hers.

Sounds like the girl made a glib remark ,and realised the the insensitivity of what she said and tried to retract it. It happens - we've all spoken before thinking sometime. Don't give her too hard a time over it.

My condolences for your loss.

Penny Tration · 05-02-2014 06:36PM

I think it's more than just a glib remark. She clearly saw the op was upset, and went out of her way to talk about it behind gis back. That's nasty, not glib.

Op, it's perfectly natural to cry about it.

My grandad passed away in july after a long illness. When I got the call, there was nobody to cover for me in work (i work in sales, and alone). I spent the entire day inwork ccrying and quite frankly did not give a damn that customers saw me crying. I lost somebody I love, as did you.

Your reaction is normal and natural. Her behaviour is nasty and bitchy.

Hell, it's several months later and I still cry whenever I go to my grandad's grave.

Grief has no time limits and no bounds.

If you need to cry, quite frankly it's none of her bloody business.

I'm so sorry for your loss. X

Cupcake_Crisis · 05-02-2014 07:20PM

Op, you had a completely natural reaction to very sad news. That woman sounds very insensitive and I wouldn't give her any space in your head. If I encountered someone grieving I'd offer them a shoulder to cry on, not ridicule them.

Amprodude · 05-02-2014 08:25PM

I thought it was very nasty myself. No need to kick someone down in the circumstances. There are people i dislike but i would always show respect to them on the death of a loved one.

05-02-2014 08:45PM

Amprodude wrote: »

I thought it was very nasty myself. No need to kick someone down in the circumstances. There are people i dislike but i would always show respect to them on the death of a loved one.

She might be just not close to her grandparents, or maybe she's just immature and has never suffered a loss so can't comprehend what you're feeling. Or maybe she's just incredibly unpleasant.

Either way, you can safely disregard anything she has to say as completely irrelevant to you. Your reaction is completely normal, her's is completely inappropriate.

I am very sorry for the loss you've suffered. Please don't let the reaction of this girl make your burden even greater than it is.

AnonMouse · 05-02-2014 08:59PM

Hey OP, i'm sorry for your loss.

Bereavement and the grieving process are very subjective and everyone handles it different. Your colleagues comment says more about her than it does about you. No one can tell someone else how to feel/act upon hearing news like that.

Vision of Disorder · 05-02-2014 09:18PM

It's perfectly normal to cry after the death of somebody close to you. I would say that the majority of people do and you should feel zero embarrassment about it. When most people are sad enough, they cry. I cried last night because I found a letter that somebody had written to me just before they died almost ten years ago. Why wouldn't I have? They died very young and, most importantly, I miss them very much to this day.

You loved your grandfather and reacted perfectly normally to his death. I wouldn't dwell on what your colleague said or make an issue of it with them personally, she's shown herself for what she is and that's that basically.

You have my condolences also.

December2012 · 05-02-2014 10:25PM

Firstly I'm very sorry for your loss. I too am grieving right now (coincidentally today I was going to start a thread about crying in public but I couldn't think of a way to word my post!)

I cried today in the gym and ran out of yoga half way through the class (well I tip toed out - it is yoga after all!)

Reason being - I couldn't do the exercises because I kept thinking about my Dad whose anniversary is around now.

What I realised since my father died is that unless somebody else's similarly close loved one has also died them they haven't a fükin notion how it feels.

After the initial period, one of my best friends didn't ask how I was about it. She has lost nobody. My friends that had lost grandparents had an idea how I was and would check in.

Nobody else has lost a parent. They're not a half orphan like me y'see. As lovely as my friends are, they could not understand why I would even feel like a half orphan, but I do.

Maybe that girl has a horrible grandad, or maybe none, or maybe she's from a cold family. Or maybe she's just a trouble making witch.

Either way, you are perfectly normal and fine to cry, or not to cry. There's no right way.

Again, my sincere condolences x

05-02-2014 11:16PM

Of course it is acceptable. Why on Earth wouldn't it be? The death of a loved one is extremely difficult and anyone that says anything against it is an absolute insensitive arsehole, to put it bluntly. One of the things I hate is the illusion that just because we're men, we're not supposed to show any emotions at all. Screw that.

Stavro Mueller · 05-02-2014 11:17PM

First off, I'm sorry to read about your loss. I'm sure having to watch your granddad being ill was no party either - sometimes that's even more upsetting for loved ones.

As for this girl in your office, I feel she has shown her true colours. Sometimes it takes a while for the mask to slip and to reveal the black-hearted person underneath. While I can understand why she might think you shouldn't grieve over a grandparent - some people never were close to theirs - the rest of what she said was needlessly spiteful. She obviously hasn't got a compassionate bone in her body if she can't understand why you'd be upset. Then to say it was an excuse to visit your hometown?? If it was me I'd be insulted if she had the cheek to show her face near the removal or funeral after a comment like that.

Personally I'd be giving her a wide berth after that. Even if she doesn't understand why you'd be upset over your granddad, she should've had the cop-on to keep her thoughts to herself.

Amprodude · 05-02-2014 11:37PM

cymbaline wrote: »

First off, I'm sorry to read about your loss. I'm sure having to watch your granddad being ill was no party either - sometimes that's even more upsetting for loved ones.

As for this girl in your office, I feel she has shown her true colours. Sometimes it takes a while for the mask to slip and to reveal the black-hearted person underneath. While I can understand why she might think you shouldn't grieve over a grandparent - some people never were close to theirs - the rest of what she said was needlessly spiteful. She obviously hasn't got a compassionate bone in her body if she can't understand why you'd be upset. Then to say it was an excuse to visit your hometown?? If it was me I'd be insulted if she had the cheek to show her face near the removal or funeral after a comment like that.

Personally I'd be giving her a wide berth after that. Even if she doesn't understand why you'd be upset over your granddad, she should've had the cop-on to keep her thoughts to herself.

I understand some people arent close to their grandparents and thats fair enough but my granddad was very good to me growing up and i was closer to him than my father funny enough. He was always great to me and generous to me. He lived beside me and i always met him and called into him every day so the relationship was very close. He was my best friend and the girl at work knew i was close to him. Cant people some people are that horrible but nothing surprises me.

Stavro Mueller · 05-02-2014 11:56PM

Hey, I know where you're coming from

I was very close to my grandmother and still think about her even though she's dead over 10 years now. It would've been her birthday this week so she has been on my mind recently. It's bittersweet...

I work with a woman who could be this girl's mother. At the start I thought she was a nice person but as time moved on and she got more comfortable, she began to show her true colours. Some of the insensitive and bitchy things she comes out with have made people gasp at times. She's not unpleasant all the time or anything but when she does open her mouth, she really does cut to the quick. Maybe in the long term her words aren't going to do her any favours in the workplace. If people see that she's saying things like this about a colleague who was heartbroken about losing a loved one, they might start reconsidering what they think of her as a person.

06-02-2014 12:35AM

It's acceptable to cry after the death of a loved one, of course. OP you're well within your rights to be outwardly very upset, and you shouldn't have to cover it up.

But I do think it's worth bearing in mind that she said this in front of other people. So I really find it hard to believe that she was just trying to be mean. For her to think that people wouldn't judge her or find her insensitive for saying something like that, she must have a strange view of these things herself, and I can't see how that would be except for her having her own problems.

What she said was insensitive. But you have other things to worry about right now, like taking care of yourself, and it's probably for the best to just let it go. I know I'm the one sounding insensitive now, but you can never know why other people say the things they say, and even if she is just a bitch, people will see her for what she is.

Amprodude · 06-02-2014 10:42AM

This woman is notorious for speaking about people behind their backs and talks about everyone. It's known in the workplace. She also comes across as aggressive and defensive to people in the workplace, it's well known. She has said a lot of bad things about me behind my back before but I really didn't care about that. She treats me like sh*t but she is a coward to say it to my face.

But thats the worst thing she has said about me behind my back and I don't know if I should ever speak to her again after that. I won't be able to look her in the eye for sure. People might say let it go but I loved my granddad too much to be putting up with throw away comments like that.

Stavro Mueller · 06-02-2014 11:22AM

If that's the way she operates then what she said should be of no surprise to anyone.

I don't want to be harsh here but you are now going over the top. Yes she's a cow and doesn't have a clue why you're in bits. But you still have to work with her and in the long term you're going to poison yourself if you carry the anger around with you. Being a workplace you probably still have to speak to her. Believe me, a workplace where two colleagues aren't on speaking terms can be pretty toxic.

If I was you I'd keep interaction with her to a minimum. Be polite if you have to speak to her but otherwise steer clear of her. You're not in work to make friends if you want to look at it in a cold analytical way.

Amprodude · 06-02-2014 11:52AM

cymbaline wrote: »

If that's the way she operates then what she said should be of no surprise to anyone.

I don't want to be harsh here but you are now going over the top. Yes she's a cow and doesn't have a clue why you're in bits. But you still have to work with her and in the long term you're going to poison yourself if you carry the anger around with you. Being a workplace you probably still have to speak to her. Believe me, a workplace where two colleagues aren't on speaking terms can be pretty toxic.

If I was you I'd keep interaction with her to a minimum. Be polite if you have to speak to her but otherwise steer clear of her. You're not in work to make friends if you want to look at it in a cold analytical way.

You are correct, I don't need to be toxic just because she is. I won't fall out with her but I will keep my interaction to a minimum and stay clear of her when I can.

bee06 · 07-02-2014 09:52PM

OP, sorry for your loss. My grandad died 4 years ago and I still cry when I think about him.

Some people are just not worth bothering your time over and she's one of them.

is it acceptable to cry after the death of a loved one?

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