Relationship with Mother

LegacyUser · 06-01-2014 04:35PM #1

I want to just give a general idea of my relationship with my mam, and hopefully get some advice on how I can improve it

This might sound terrible, that's why I am coming here for advice rather than to a friend, but in ways I kind of don't respect her....

The reason why is basically, that she is overweight and unemployed and doesn't do a thing about it or seem to care. She doesn't take care of herself at all, and I don't dislike this because of looks, but I am genuinely worried about her health. In the last couple of years I have gotten into health and fitness and the more I learn whats good, the more I see how unhealthy she is.

Her and my dad broke up when I was about 14, I am 22 now. I am angry at her for the way she treats my dad now. While me and my sister were growing up, my dad always worked and my mam stayed at home with us. I love and respect her for this and she is a good mother in so many ways. But anyway, this means that my dad had paid all the bills and paid for the house etc. When they broke up, my dad moved out, and had to move to a different town for work. He works hard to pay for his rent in the other town, and to give my mam money while she remains unemployed, even though my sister is 18 and I am 22, so she has no reason to not try to get a job. I feel so bad for my dad working so hard to help pay for a house and family that he doesn't get to enjoy as much as he should.

Its not like she sits on her arse all day doing nothing... She still cleans, and does the shopping and all that kind of thing but compared to most other adults I feel like she has it pretty easy. And this just makes me angry when I think of her life compared to my dad's.

We get on well at times but we can also argue and the main cause of these arguments is that she feels like I don't respect her or that I'm distant.

I want to make it clear that I'm not horrible to her, but I can be short tempered and distant with her because of the reasons I've just said.

I have never told her any of this and I'm afraid to because it would be pretty hard to hear... I don't know what to do

ABajaninCork · 06-01-2014 09:38PM

Are you sure your mother isn't depressed? Sure sounds like it to me...

Instead of judging her, how are you helping her?? And I wouldn't be so quick with the 'Dad did it all, and Mum did nothing either'. I guarantee there'll be a lot more to the story that you don't know.

Finally - have you thought about moving out, if you're so unhappy?

Victoria Fortescue · 06-01-2014 10:43PM

mamproblems wrote: »

The reason why is basically, that she is overweight and unemployed and doesn't do a thing about it or seem to care. She doesn't take care of herself at all, and I don't dislike this because of looks, but I am genuinely worried about her health. In the last couple of years I have gotten into health and fitness and the more I learn whats good, the more I see how unhealthy she is.

While that is an adjustment that you've made to your life that is positive, it doesn't give you the authority to lord it over your mother. I think ABanjanincork may be on the right track with possible depression. People let themselves go for all sorts of reasons, but it normally stems from some level of lows in their lives. By all accounts, it sounds like she's been through the mills. Maybe a more gentle approach to your concern for her health such as asking her if she'd like to come out for walks with you. She's not blind, I'm sure she knows she's carrying extra weight. Getting in the mindset for losing weight is very hard, it's the actual loss and noticeable results that can be a great motivator. Stop judging, and start being more supportive.

Her and my dad broke up when I was about 14, I am 22 now. I am angry at her for the way she treats my dad now. While me and my sister were growing up, my dad always worked and my mam stayed at home with us. I love and respect her for this and she is a good mother in so many ways. But anyway, this means that my dad had paid all the bills and paid for the house etc. When they broke up, my dad moved out, and had to move to a different town for work. He works hard to pay for his rent in the other town, and to give my mam money while she remains unemployed, even though my sister is 18 and I am 22, so she has no reason to not try to get a job. I feel so bad for my dad working so hard to help pay for a house and family that he doesn't get to enjoy as much as he should.

Why is it that you focus on all the bills that were paid by your father? he didn't pay for childcare or someone to come clean your home, that was all your mothers doing. Why is it that the role of a mother shouldn't get the same recognition as your father for her role as a parent?

Its not like she sits on her arse all day doing nothing... She still cleans, and does the shopping and all that kind of thing but compared to most other adults I feel like she has it pretty easy. And this just makes me angry when I think of her life compared to my dad's.

Two working adults was not always the norm in this country. I'm sure at this stage of the woman's life she doesn't deserve you looking down your nose at her. You bypassed the fact that she cleans and shops and "that kind of thing" as though it were nothing. Maybe its high time you moved out and discovered for yourself that these things don't do themselves.

We get on well at times but we can also argue and the main cause of these arguments is that she feels like I don't respect her or that I'm distant.

I want to make it clear that I'm not horrible to her, but I can be short tempered and distant with her because of the reasons I've just said.

I have never told her any of this and I'm afraid to because it would be pretty hard to hear... I don't know what to do

I do. How about you apologise to your mother for acting like a little git. While I'm at it, do you or your sister hand up any keep money to live in that house?

thegreatgonzo · 06-01-2014 10:44PM

[QUOTE=mamproblems;88326178

Its not like she sits on her arse all day doing nothing... She still cleans, and does the shopping and all that kind of thing but compared to most other adults I feel like she has it pretty easy. And this just makes me angry when I think of her life compared to my dad's.

[/QUOTE]

Do you think you might be being unfair to your mother?
It is very difficult to go back to work when she has given so much of her life to looking after you and your sister. She may not have the confidence or the skills and maybe you should be supporting her rather than criticising her. I don't think it is fair to compare her to your father or anyone either. As the other poster said, she could be depressed.

Tramps Like Us · 06-01-2014 11:05PM

mamproblems wrote: »

I want to just give a general idea of my relationship with my mam, and hopefully get some advice on how I can improve it

This might sound terrible, that's why I am coming here for advice rather than to a friend, but in ways I kind of don't respect her....

The reason why is basically, that she is overweight and unemployed and doesn't do a thing about it or seem to care. She doesn't take care of herself at all, and I don't dislike this because of looks, but I am genuinely worried about her health. In the last couple of years I have gotten into health and fitness and the more I learn whats good, the more I see how unhealthy she is.

Her and my dad broke up when I was about 14, I am 22 now. I am angry at her for the way she treats my dad now. While me and my sister were growing up, my dad always worked and my mam stayed at home with us. I love and respect her for this and she is a good mother in so many ways. But anyway, this means that my dad had paid all the bills and paid for the house etc. When they broke up, my dad moved out, and had to move to a different town for work. He works hard to pay for his rent in the other town, and to give my mam money while she remains unemployed, even though my sister is 18 and I am 22, so she has no reason to not try to get a job. I feel so bad for my dad working so hard to help pay for a house and family that he doesn't get to enjoy as much as he should.

Its not like she sits on her arse all day doing nothing... She still cleans, and does the shopping and all that kind of thing but compared to most other adults I feel like she has it pretty easy. And this just makes me angry when I think of her life compared to my dad's.

We get on well at times but we can also argue and the main cause of these arguments is that she feels like I don't respect her or that I'm distant.

I want to make it clear that I'm not horrible to her, but I can be short tempered and distant with her because of the reasons I've just said.

I have never told her any of this and I'm afraid to because it would be pretty hard to hear... I don't know what to do

Well she is right isn't she? You don't really respect her or her actions (or lack thereof) but to be fair you have cause to feel this way.

Your dad, and men in general, get the short straw when it comes to things like this, and yes it is unfair. If your mum wants to waste away the rest of her life that is up to her - I'd raise the health issues with her because she is your mum and you want her around for a long time, but I'd wouldn't bother about anything else - maybe encourage her to join walking clubs or something to get more of a social life.

And maybe move out OP and your dad wont have to give her as much money as you are not also being supported.

Celly Smunt · 06-01-2014 11:16PM

You only get one mother make the best of it.Whether it's arguing or just caring for her do whatever you can in the most productive and loving way you can.

freshpopcorn · 07-01-2014 12:11AM

Your mother's life for the last 22 years+ was raising ye and looking after the house/shopping. This is how she lived and it might be very hard to get her back to work because she mightn't feel able/up to it.
Also if your worried about her weight maybe cook her a healthy meal and if she likes it she might have it again and change he diet a bit. Maybe ask would she like to go on a walk. It's very annoying for a person who might be having trouble with their weight having somebody who is really into health and fitness going on about it and making them feel bad.

Maura74 · 07-01-2014 12:43AM

It is not your mother that you do not respect it is her lifestyle.
From your post it appears that’s all the life style she has known since she got married, do you know, if she worked before she was married to your dad?

Has she got a medical condition as medication can sometime put on extra weight in people? She obviously gets some exercise as you said she does not sit around all day long.

Her self-esteem and confidence is probably low and that needs building up again. Encourage her to start exercise as you are concern ahat lack of is not good for anyones health.

It is very difficult to get back in working environment when you been away from it for such a long time. Perhaps you could suggest that she would benefit from getting some skills that would help her if she feel like working outsde the home. Also this would get her out of the house and mixing socially with other and that would be good for her. Can you afford her a present of getting her hair done and a bit of pampering, also some literature about keeping healthy laying around that she may look at and perhaps read it.

Ham Sambo · 07-01-2014 03:28AM

To be honest and I mean no disrespect to you or your sister but is it any wonder your Mother is the way she is! You have put her down all through your post and I think that is a wrong thing to do, She has cared and loved you for the past 22 years and this is the best way that you describe her as a fat lazy money grabber! I know that may sound very harsh but it is true.

Did it at any stage occur to you that your Mum might not be coping too well or that she might be feeling a bit low, and as a matter of interest do you or your sister contribute in any way to the household budget in order to take the strain off your Mum and Dad? I know my post might seem a bit harsh but I had to read your post a second time just to be sure.

Relationship with Mother

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