Boyfriend not texting after night out

Cokezero · 26-10-2013 09:34AM #1

Hi all,

With my boyfriend about a year and a half. Have been through lots of difficult stuff together but we are very happy, close and very strong apart from one thing which bothers me. Boyfriend and I are living separately and are from different parts of the country but living in Dublin. I am 26 he is 28.

The problem arises almost every night he has a big night out with his friends. I trust him but always still want and expect to hear from him at the end of the night to say he is home safe. Almost every night he goes out he doesn't text me at end of the night. I would be awake worrying then and upset that he has ignored me. I understand that he is out with his friends/ may have battery issues so I don't expect him to text me during the night out. Sometimes I would say goodnight early enough in the night and ask him to text when he's home. We have had so many fights over this issue.

Am I foolish to trust him when I have made it clear over and over again that this is important to me. Every other time he is very good at texting/ringing. The last time he went out he ignored my text until the morning and instead checked in on FB and put up photos etc which really hurt me.

I'd live to hear opinions... Am I overreacting (I don't ask much off him) or am I being made a fool of.

Thanks all.

Legs.Eleven · 26-10-2013 09:47AM

Cokezero wrote: »

Am I foolish to trust him when I have made it clear over and over again that this is important to me.

Hi OP,

This line confused me and I don't understand it. What do you mean are you a fool to trust him?

Considering all the fights you've had, are you sure it's just a case of you being worried about his safety? Do you feel hurt that perhaps he's having a big night out without you and perhaps it seems like he's forgotten about you and you'd like a text just to show he cares?

Personally, I don't think this is worth having massive rows about as I think it's fairly trivial in the grand scheme of things but I do understand where you're coming from - if he knows it'll make you happy and set your mind at ease, he could send you a quick text.

Just throwing this out there but is there anyway he could misconstrue your need for a text as him having to "check in" with you?

Cokezero · 26-10-2013 09:58AM

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

Hi OP,

This line confused me and I don't understand it. What do you mean are you a fool to trust him?

Considering all the fights you've had, are you sure it's just a case of you being worried about his safety? Do you feel hurt that perhaps he's having a big night out without you and perhaps it seems like he's forgotten about you and you'd like a text just to show he cares?

Personally, I don't think this is worth having massive rows about as I think it's fairly trivial in the grand scheme of things but I do understand where you're coming from - if he knows it'll make you happy and set your mind at ease, he could send you a quick text.

Just throwing this out there but is there anyway he could misconstrue your need for a text as him having to "check in" with you?

What I mean is he's always big into texting first thing in the morning and last thing at night. He always asks me to text him after a night out to let him know I'm safe. I wonder why I go out of his mind on his nights out. Could he be with someone else (I don't think so but is love blind)? Is this normal for other people?

As for the check in- well I suppose that's what it is. We have been through some challenges together- including me being away traveling - where he would always have expected me to check in with him that I am safe.

What do other people do?

Cork selfbuild · 26-10-2013 09:59AM

Hi Cokezero!

When I'm out with the lads, typically a bit more alcohol gets consumed than normal, and I'm kinda like your BF, so I would always ring my OH around 10 or 11 say our good nights and I would carry on with my night, sometimes I text when I'm in bed sometimes not, if after a long week, when we get back to wherever we are staying, I'd be wrecked and be alseep in 1 min.

OH knows this and doesn't have a problem that I forget to text her, as she trusts me and knows I wouldn't do anything I'm not meant to.

And sometimes when your out and after a few beers, the phone isn't always heard or top of mind and the FB thing could be a prompt from a friend, oh take this pic and tag us... My OH gives out to me if I text too much, that being on the phone too much when out with my friends is rude, and tbh I say the exact same to her! But she always texts when in bed and I don't as I'm normally conked!

I wouldn't worry too much about it, maybe do what we do, have an earlyish quick call and then don't worry about it, trust him, tell him have a good night, drop him a text when your in bed, if he replies great, if not don't worry, it doesn't mean anything untoward is going on...

Cork selfbuild · 26-10-2013 10:02AM

Cokezero wrote: »

As for the check in- well I suppose that's what it is. We have been through some challenges together- including me being away traveling - where he would always have expected me to check in with him that I am safe.

To be fair, checking in when travelling is very different to checking in when down the pub with lads!

Legs.Eleven · 26-10-2013 10:45AM

What I mean is he's always big into texting first thing in the morning and last thing at night. He always asks me to text him after a night out to let him know I'm safe. I wonder why I go out of his mind on his nights out. Could he be with someone else (I don't think so but is love blind)? Is this normal for other people?

The fact that he doesn't send you a text doesn't mean you're out of his mind. He's out with his mates enjoying himself and that's what he has his mind on. It's no reflection on you or how he feels about you.

As for the check in- well I suppose that's what it is. We have been through some challenges together- including me being away traveling - where he would always have expected me to check in with him that I am safe.

What do other people do?

Is checking in about trust or concern for the other person's welfare? Or a bit of both?

I've never expected texts when they were out on the piss with friends. I live with my boyfriend now, so it's different but with previous boyfriends, we didn't do the checking in thing although drunken texts were sent and they were always nice to get.

My current boyfriend, before we moved in together would ask me to text him when I got home when we weren't out together as I lived alone in a bit of a dodgy area and would drink a fair amount but he wouldn't lose his mind if I didn't as he was usually asleep.

strobe · 26-10-2013 11:07AM

There's a thin line sometimes between being a little bit needy and insecure, and being a little bit controlling and possessive.

I honestly think you should stop making such a big thing out of something so minor and stop picking fights over it.

Cokezero · 26-10-2013 12:55PM

strobe wrote: »

There's a thin line sometimes between being a little bit needy and insecure, and being a little bit controlling and possessive.

I honestly think you should stop making such a big thing out of something so minor and stop picking fights over it.

I see your point but I have asked him just to do this one thing for me. He has a tendency to drink too much and walk home after nights out which worries ms about him. I wouldn't mind if it was just the odd night he was too tired to text... But every night he goes out? Maybe I am over thinking things.

spankysue · 26-10-2013 01:43PM

Cokezero wrote: »

I see your point but I have asked him just to do this one thing for me. He has a tendency to drink too much and walk home after nights out which worries ms about him. I wouldn't mind if it was just the odd night he was too tired to text... But every night he goes out? Maybe I am over thinking things.

OP, I think you are overthinking things, I can understand that you worry about him, I'm a natural worrier myself so I know what it's like to have all sorts of scenarios running through your head when you don't hear from him. I also know by now that these are completely irrational thoughts and they should be ignored.

Just relax about this, he's an adult and your his GF, not his mother, he shouldn't have to check in with you or anyone else if he's out enjoying himself. Why don't you go out with your friends the next time he goes out with his rather than sitting in worrying about why he hasn't texted you. Just chill out and stop worrying about things that might never happen.

December2012 · 26-10-2013 06:43PM

Cokezero wrote: »

I see your point but I have asked him just to do this one thing for me. He has a tendency to drink too much and walk home after nights out which worries ms about him. I wouldn't mind if it was just the odd night he was too tired to text... But every night he goes out? Maybe I am over thinking things.

Well what does he say about it? How does he interpret your need to hear from him?

Cokezero · 26-10-2013 07:00PM

He always promises that he will do it the next time. Drink less and be in a better state at end of night. He always apologizes etc. I don't know what to do.

LegacyUser · 26-10-2013 09:24PM

Cokezero wrote: »

He always promises that he will do it the next time. Drink less and be in a better state at end of night. He always apologizes etc. I don't know what to do.

You do know what to do: you need to stop this OTT insecure nagging. If you didnt know that, then you wouldn't be here asking the question.

You're not his mammy, you don't live with him, you arent waiting for him to take over with kids. Back off or run a high risk of losing him. It's your issue, not his - and he's already giving you the meaningless platitudes about it. Not a good sign.

December2012 · 26-10-2013 10:23PM

So he promises to do something that both of you know he is not going to do, and then you get upset with him because he didn't do it, even though he has never done it?

You need to change your tactic - he will not text you and you can't make him.

So, stop trying to force it. Stop worrying. Assume the best. He doesn't need you to be worrying about him like this - and if he does (you mentioned that you don't like how drunk he gets) - then you've got different problems to deal with.

You cannot control his drinking. You have asked him to change his behaviour, but he won't. So I suggest you change yours.

Now maybe this is a deal breaker for you - and that's fair enough. Refusal to be considerate of others feelings is very important.

However, you may find that if you leave him alone on this topic he may change his behaviour. And if he doesn't, then you've a big decision to make - do you want to be his Mammy?

CaraMay · 27-10-2013 01:36PM

You 'expect' him to do what you want and have talked to him about your expectations and he has made it clear that he doesn't want to do what you 'expect' of him. He is a grown adult and shouldn't be subjected to rules and regulations within his relationship and on a night out with his friends.

I strongly suggest you drop this or else find someone else who is willing to change to do what you expect of him.

Cokezero · 27-10-2013 03:13PM

CaraMay wrote: »

You 'expect' him to do what you want and have talked to him about your expectations and he has made it clear that he doesn't want to do what you 'expect' of him. He is a grown adult and shouldn't be subjected to rules and regulations within his relationship and on a night out with his friends.

I strongly suggest you drop this or else find someone else who is willing to change to do what you expect of him.

No he agrees with me and says he will but then always gets too drunk to text or forgets. He expects it off me. I have considered all advice here and agree with a lot of it. I suppose I just wanted to hear what other couples expect from each other. As I said we are very happy- it's not a major issue In grand scheme of things.

wirelessdude01 · 27-10-2013 05:39PM

Cokezero wrote: »

am I being made a fool of.

How did you think you could be made a fool of?

You need to relax and let me blow off some steam with the lads. You sound like you could be a little insecure in the relationship(gonna guess the not living together is eating away at you.

Systemic Risk · 27-10-2013 06:48PM

Chill out op. Seriously, getting him to check in at end of the night? He is a grown man and what good is it doing anyway. This isnt about safety its about trust and control i.e. You not trusting him and wanting control. You have alluded to the fact a few times that he could possibly be with someone else because he doesnt text. Saying i trust him but "love is blind" means you dont really trust him so stop kidding yourself and us that this is about his safety.

As other poster said why dont ye just have good night text earlier. Say your good nights tell him to have fun and that you will chat him tomorrow. It works a charm with me and my girlfriend and no worrying all night because no text when she gets home.

Cokezero · 27-10-2013 08:55PM

Systemic Risk wrote: »

Chill out op. Seriously, getting him to check in at end of the night? He is a grown man and what good is it doing anyway. This isnt about safety its about trust and control i.e. You not trusting him and wanting control. You have alluded to the fact a few times that he could possibly be with someone else because he doesnt text. Saying i trust him but "love is blind" means you dont really trust him so stop kidding yourself and us that this is about his safety.

As other poster said why dont ye just have good night text earlier. Say your good nights tell him to have fun and that you will chat him tomorrow. It works a charm with me and my girlfriend and no worrying all night because no text when she gets home.

Yes think that would be a good idea. Wouldn't like to think of me stopping him having a good night etc, just that I care about him and like to know.

CaraMay · 28-10-2013 12:48AM

Cokezero wrote: »

No he agrees with me and says he will but then always gets too drunk to text or forgets. He expects it off me. I have considered all advice here and agree with a lot of it. I suppose I just wanted to hear what other couples expect from each other. As I said we are very happy- it's not a major issue In grand scheme of things.

In your first post you said you want and expect to hear from him.

Cokezero · 28-10-2013 12:57AM

CaraMay wrote: »

In your first post you said you want and expect to hear from him.

Yes that is what I would have expected. I also wanted to find out what other couples do. Is this an important thing for them etc. I am curious as there is room for improvement in my relationship regarding this.

freshpopcorn · 28-10-2013 03:24AM

Ok OP I'm going to be blunt here.
I am a lad in my twenties and have had serious enough relationships in the past.
When I was about 18 and went on a night out in Dublin with friends I did text my mother when we got back to the hotel but since then I have never done this because she knows that I am safe enough.
When I went away to college I never texted her on nights out I had.
When I go on a holiday/away I might text here that I got here and send her a picture from the balcony/beech.
When I was with my girlfriend and I was on a lads night. I never texted her at the end of the night. I might have texted her during the night but at the end of the night I was generally with people and still drinking or I just fell straight asleep when I got in. It doesn't mean I wasn't thinking of her.
If I did go on a holiday I would text here the same picture as I would have sent my mother.
This is the blunt part, if you expect him to check in on the end of a night out. You could also expect him to check in when he gets to work, constantly during work, before, during and after lunch the same goes for everything. etc.
Something bad could happen to him during all these things and you don't expect him to check in with you.
Also him checking in isn't going to save him from something bad happening to him. If something bad does happen to him the Gardai will simply knock at the front door to inform ye that such a person has being injured/killed.

Stavro Mueller · 28-10-2013 11:54AM

The texting means nothing. There's nothing to stop him bringing a girl home and texting you to say all is well. Nor is there any guarantee that he'd not just send off a text at some random time before he gets home just to get you off his back.

ManOfMystery · 28-10-2013 01:18PM

OP, you really need to relax. I had an ex who insisted on a text every night I was out without her. In theory it was fine - after all, what's wrong with a quick 30-second text? But if I happened to forget or didn't have any coverage, there would be an almighty row about it afterwards. She locked me out one night because I arrived home at 2:30am without having replied to her 1am text to let her know I was alright. The reason I didn't reply? Phone was dead. Needless to say, that is one of the reasons she was swiftly dumped.

My ex's reasons for texting were (according to her anyway) to check I was 'safe', but that made me feel like I was a child and not capable of looking after myself without having to call mummy ever night. How did I manage to survive all those years before I met her?

To be blunt, that insecure neediness and requirement for constant contact is a very unattractive trait. Generally speaking, when men go on nights out with the lads there's usually plenty of craic and alcohol involved, and the whole point of it is to relax and have a night off from the usual routine. Having to remember that you have to 'check in' at the end of the night - even if it's just a quick text - is quite irritating and if arguments ensue often as a result of this not happening, also quite exhausting.

It's also a totally pointless exercise. If something bad has happened your other half, suffice to say he won't be texting you - you'll be getting a call from his mates or the hospital. If he's cheating on you, he's still fully capable of sending a text and lying about where he is.

And if nothing has happened to him ..................... and he's not cheating .................. he's just going to text and say he's out with the lads and likely enjoying himself ...................................... which you already know anyway.

The sole reason for this texting is to appease your insecure mind.

Cokezero · 28-10-2013 01:48PM

ManOfMystery wrote: »

OP, you really need to relax. I had an ex who insisted on a text every night I was out without her. In theory it was fine - after all, what's wrong with a quick 30-second text? But if I happened to forget or didn't have any coverage, there would be an almighty row about it afterwards. She locked me out one night because I arrived home at 2:30am without having replied to her 1am text to let her know I was alright. The reason I didn't reply? Phone was dead. Needless to say, that is one of the reasons she was swiftly dumped.

My ex's reasons for texting were (according to her anyway) to check I was 'safe', but that made me feel like I was a child and not capable of looking after myself without having to call mummy ever night. How did I manage to survive all those years before I met her?

To be blunt, that insecure neediness and requirement for constant contact is a very unattractive trait. Generally speaking, when men go on nights out with the lads there's usually plenty of craic and alcohol involved, and the whole point of it is to relax and have a night off from the usual routine. Having to remember that you have to 'check in' at the end of the night - even if it's just a quick text - is quite irritating and if arguments ensue often as a result of this not happening, also quite exhausting.

It's also a totally pointless exercise. If something bad has happened your other half, suffice to say he won't be texting you - you'll be getting a call from his mates or the hospital. If he's cheating on you, he's still fully capable of sending a text and lying about where he is.

And if nothing has happened to him ..................... and he's not cheating .................. he's just going to text and say he's out with the lads and likely enjoying himself ...................................... which you already know anyway.

The sole reason for this texting is to appease your insecure mind.

It's a good point. Good to hear some other opinions on it. I just kind of presumed it was the norm. Thanks for everyone's advice and opinions. I feel like bit of a saddo now!

riffmongous · 28-10-2013 02:06PM

Hi OP, my ex-girlfriend and my had the same issue too, and yes it did annoy me to have to check in with her every night. BUT I knew how important it was to her so I did it every time I got home, just a short text, that was all, it didn't kill me to do it and it didn't bother me after a while. Looking back it seemed pretty stupid to have let it annoy me in the first place

Ah_Yeah · 28-10-2013 06:02PM

riffmongous wrote: »

Hi OP, my ex-girlfriend and my had the same issue too, and yes it did annoy me to have to check in with her every night. BUT I knew how important it was to her so I did it every time I got home, just a short text, that was all, it didn't kill me to do it and it didn't bother me after a while. Looking back it seemed pretty stupid to have let it annoy me in the first place

I'd have to disagree here. It's quite annoying to feel like you have to report in to your OH when you go anywhere without them.

You sound very insecure and needy, OP. Your OH is a grown man, and well within his rights to make his own decisions. Personally, I think you are being unreasonable to ask that he report in, just to satisfy your insecurities. Just because he doesnt send a text doesn't mean you're not important to him, it simply means there is nothing on his mind other than the fun he is currently having at the time. Nothing wrong with that.

If I were you I wouldnt be looking at what other couples do, I'd be looking at working on your self esteem. The tighter you hold on to him to feed ypur insecurities, the further he'll pull away. I speak from experience when I say if you don't nip this in the bud, you run the risk of sabotaging your relationship.

riffmongous · 28-10-2013 06:29PM

Ah_Yeah wrote: »

I'd have to disagree here. It's quite annoying to feel like you have to report in to your OH when you go anywhere without them.

You sound very insecure and needy, OP. Your OH is a grown man, and well within his rights to make his own decisions. Personally, I think you are being unreasonable to ask that he report in, just to satisfy your insecurities. Just because he doesnt send a text doesn't mean you're not important to him, it simply means there is nothing on his mind other than the fun he is currently having at the time. Nothing wrong with that.

If I were you I wouldnt be looking at what other couples do, I'd be looking at working on your self esteem. The tighter you hold on to him to feed ypur insecurities, the further he'll pull away. I speak from experience when I say if you don't nip this in the bud, you run the risk of sabotaging your relationship.

Well each to their own of course, but my opinion was if you care about someone and they care about you, it is pretty weird not to do these simple things. Of course everyone can make their own decisions but sometimes you do things for the other person too. If the simple act of typing a few words and pressing send makes someone feel better than I would do it.

freshpopcorn · 28-10-2013 06:34PM

riffmongous wrote: »

Well each to their own of course, but my opinion was if you care about someone and they care about you, it is pretty weird not to do these simple things. Of course everyone can make their own decisions but sometimes you do things for the other person too. If the simple act of typing a few words and pressing send makes someone feel better than I would do it.

The problem with this tough is. If he has to check in at end of nights out. He'll end up always checking in with her no matter what he does because every situation he faces could be dangerous. Texting somebody doesn't mean you care about somebody anymore or any less it's just a text message.

Cokezero · 28-10-2013 07:09PM

freshpopcorn wrote: »

The problem with this tough is. If he has to check in at end of nights out. He'll end up always checking in with her no matter what he does because every situation he faces could be dangerous. Texting somebody doesn't mean you care about somebody anymore or any less it's just a text message.

Well is that not a common thing for people to text after a journey etc. He would always ask me for this. Is a night out different, I don't want to be overbearing!

dellas1979 · 28-10-2013 07:15PM

You are coming across as a bit aloof OP. Most of us (anyways) didnt come down in the last shower of rain.

I dont think you want to know how he is...(how would one be after a skinful of liquor?). I think you want to know what hes doing.

2 COMPLETELY different things.

So, which is it? If its the second one, something is wrong (either you or with him, or both).

I dont buy this "im worried if he doesnt text me" stuff. WHAT are you worried about exactly?

freshpopcorn · 28-10-2013 07:34PM

Cokezero wrote: »

Well is that not a common thing for people to text after a journey etc. He would always ask me for this. Is a night out different, I don't want to be overbearing!

As I said in a previous post OP. People often text there mother/wife/girlfriend when they reach a destination because they are going somewhere different and they want to let the person know about the journey/hotel etc. It is different to a regular night out with friends.

I'm not sure where this thread is going because most people are telling you that their is no need for him to check in with you at the end of the night. I think you might just need to accept that him texting you doesn't make it safer for him.

Boyfriend not texting after night out

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