Your most embarrassing sex story

Gongoozler · 09-10-2013 09:03PM

exador wrote: »

sense of humour is lost om you.

Don't knock it

No you just didn't tell it very well

tuckermax · 09-10-2013 09:04PM

hooked up with a girl at a house party and proceeded to find a free bedroom. finally found one, turned down the lights and started to get down to it only to realize no condom!!! after a while i heard one of my mates voices outside the door and asked him if he had any condoms, he didnt but being the friend he was he said he would get me one. after a couple of min he knocked on the door and threw in a square silver packet. got back to action again and as i tore the packet open with my teeth white cream squirted out causing her to start screaming! the b***ard had found a packet of dove cream from the bathroom. still waiting to get him back for that.

exador · 09-10-2013 09:06PM

Gongoozler wrote: »

No you just didn't tell it very well

You had to be there

Grandeeod · 09-10-2013 09:59PM

Whats with all the no condom jokes?

The Lemsip one seems explosive and I can only say he thought he had a huge cock because a Lemsip sachet is a **** load bigger than a condom one!

petes · 09-10-2013 10:09PM

Grandeeod wrote: »

Whats with all the no condom jokes?

The Lemsip one seems explosive and I can only say he thought he had a huge cock because a Lemsip sachet is a **** load bigger than a condom one!

What? And you did read the title of the thread, yes?

Itwasntme. · 09-10-2013 10:09PM

Gummy Panda wrote: »

I heard cock induced panic attack is the worse

It's a thing :P? Google won't tell me anything.

ardle1 · 10-10-2013 01:20AM

Chairman Meow wrote: »

Reminds me of the time an en and i were getting hot and heavy and she says "Do you want to suck my dick??". Laughed my arse off but felt bad as she started crying :pac:

And no it wasnt a ladyboy, sadly.

She was obviously thinking out loud, Something like... ' any minute now wait till you hear him ,'Do you want to suck my dick' ... :rolleyes:

Timmyctc · 10-10-2013 08:52AM

ardle1 wrote: »

She was obviously thinking out loud, Something like... ' any minute now wait till you hear him ,'Do you want to suck my dick' ... :rolleyes:

At Oxegen one year an ex and I were in the tent and were all but delirious from the travel, alcohol and lack of sleep wednesday - thursday but still half managed to get down to business. Mid way through the foreplay she came out with the most disturbing "sexy talk" line I've ever heard (clearly because she had basically fallen asleep and was talking nonesense....I hope) but it was along the lines of
"If you were a baby you could walk around without a nappy".

I was both hugely disturbing but I still pissed myself laughing and she sat straight up fully aware of what had just happened and said. "Timmyctc I'm going to sleep RIGHT NOW"

Daveysil15 · 10-10-2013 08:59AM

Timmyctc wrote: »

At Oxegen one year an ex and I were in the tent and were all but delirious from the travel, alcohol and lack of sleep wednesday - thursday but still half managed to get down to business. Mid way through the foreplay she came out with the most disturbing "sexy talk" line I've ever heard (clearly because she had basically fallen asleep and was talking nonesense....I hope) but it was along the lines of
"If you were a baby you could walk around without a nappy".

I was both hugely disturbing but I still pissed myself laughing and she sat straight up fully aware of what had just happened and said. "Timmyctc I'm going to sleep RIGHT NOW"

It was only a matter of time before someone brought up a sex story from oxygen.

marshbaboon · 10-10-2013 11:37AM

I pulled a girl from work at a social outing involving plenty of alcohol. Ended up back at mine & went for a lovely sleep after an hour or so of breaking her in. She got up in the middle of the night to puke, or put tampons inside her or whatever ladies do in their bathroom lady time. She was so drunk/spasticated that she managed to lock herself in... She was banging on the door for around two hours before she woke my housemate, who also worked with us at the time. He had to kick in the bathroom door to find her crying & trouser-less on the bathroom tiles.

She crawled back into bed & I awoke wondering why the **** there was no lock on the bathroom door.

Itwasntme. · 10-10-2013 12:16PM

marshbaboon wrote: »

I pulled a girl from work at a social outing involving plenty of alcohol. Ended up back at mine & went for a lovely sleep after an hour or so of breaking her in. She got up in the middle of the night to puke, or put tampons inside her or whatever ladies do in their bathroom lady time. She was so drunk/spasticated that she managed to lock herself in... She was banging on the door for around two hours before she woke my housemate, who also worked with us at the time. He had to kick in the bathroom door to find her crying & trouser-less on the bathroom tiles.

She crawled back into bed & I awoke wondering why the **** there was no lock on the bathroom door.

My face is all crunched up and wrinkled from the anxiety I experienced while reading that tale. You 'broke her in', she got up to 'put tampons inside her', she was 'spasticated', locked in a bathroom for TWO hours, you live with your colleague who's also her colleague, crying and trouser-less...I don't know what to say.

mattjack · 10-10-2013 12:24PM

Itwasntme. wrote: »

My face is all crunched up and wrinkled from the anxiety I experienced while reading that tale. You 'broke her in', she got up to 'put tampons inside her', she was 'spasticated', locked in a bathroom for TWO hours, you live with your colleague who's also her colleague, crying and trouser-less...I don't know what to say.

If you take Marsh away from his name.......................

Highflyer13 · 10-10-2013 01:28PM

Was with a girl on Tuesday night and somehow managed to get the condom stuck inside her during some wild antics. I was freaking out while she laughed about it. She ended up going to the bathroom and fishing it out. Unsure how long I was going without the johnny and I could do without a surprise in a months time!

Highflyer13 · 10-10-2013 01:33PM

Was with a girl on Tuesday night and somehow managed to get the condom stuck inside her during some wild antics. I was freaking out while she laughed about it. She ended up going to the bathroom and fishing it out. Unsure how long I was going without the johnny and I could do without a surprise in a months time!

10-10-2013 01:43PM

Timmyctc wrote: »

What is your most embarrassing sexual experience? I want all the nitty gritty details.

None spring to mind. Or at least none I can pick between. Certainly the most embarrasing sexually RELATED experience however was sending my girlfriends mother up to obtain something from the "Top Drawer in the bedroom".

When she came back she calmly and dead pan delivered the line "Ah, you meant the top drawer in the second bedroom then" and handed it to me. Took a few seconds to sink in but it was her subtle and cruel way of saying "That is one hell of a draw full of sex toys you got there in the first bedroom".

Was one of those slow motion things where I saw the reaction on the GFs face a split second before the realisation hit me.

Nothing more was said on the matter :-)

sbsquarepants · 10-10-2013 02:57PM

Ihatecuddles wrote: »

Ha me too! I was using super sticky lube and ended up glueing the condom to my insides.

What exactly is the function of super sticky lube? Are you sure it wasn't glue?:D

Khannie · 10-10-2013 03:15PM

Highflyer13 wrote: »

Was with a girl on Tuesday night and somehow managed to get the condom stuck inside her during some wild antics. I was freaking out while she laughed about it. She ended up going to the bathroom and fishing it out. Unsure how long I was going without the johnny and I could do without a surprise in a months time!

Don't worry...you'll only have to wait 2 weeks.

marshbaboon · 10-10-2013 04:21PM

Itwasntme. wrote: »

My face is all crunched up and wrinkled from the anxiety I experienced while reading that tale. You 'broke her in', she got up to 'put tampons inside her', she was 'spasticated', locked in a bathroom for TWO hours, you live with your colleague who's also her colleague, crying and trouser-less...I don't know what to say.

A thank you will suffice.

Daveysil15 · 10-10-2013 05:36PM

Ihatecuddles wrote: »

Ha me too! I was using super sticky lube and ended up glueing the condom to my insides.

You're better off using a bit of spit.

Muise... · 10-10-2013 05:38PM

Daveysil15 wrote: »

You're better off using a bit of spit.

Spit on me, Dickie!

pharmaton · 10-10-2013 06:29PM

this one time I had sex, the whole thing was just shameful tbh. bodies writhing nakedy against each other and love juices spilling out all over the place, not to mention the sex noises. Won't be doing that again for sure.

Crooked Jack · 10-10-2013 07:49PM

pharmaton wrote: »

this one time I had sex, the whole thing was just shameful tbh. bodies writhing nakedy against each other and love juices spilling out all over the place, not to mention the sex noises. Won't be doing that again for sure.

http://www.asexuality.org/home/

Timmyctc · 10-10-2013 07:51PM

pharmaton wrote: »

this one time I had sex, the whole thing was just shameful tbh. bodies writhing nakedy against each other and love juices spilling out all over the place, not to mention the sex noises. Won't be doing that again for sure.

http://anunslife.org/resources/how-to-become-a-catholic-nun

sea_monkey · 10-10-2013 07:52PM

the trick is to be so woefully bad that they are more ashamed of themselves than you are.

Antar Bolaeisk · 10-10-2013 08:01PM

Left the condom behind one time, panicking I immediately mounted a rescue mission but in my haste wasn't exactly at my most delicate leaving me in the bad books for the day.

pharmaton · 10-10-2013 08:03PM

Timmyctc wrote: »

http://anunslife.org/resources/how-to-become-a-catholic-nun

I thought about it, briefly. Did a work placement with a religious organisation for 3 months in my early twenties, they wanted me bad.

Daveysil15 · 10-10-2013 08:22PM

Actually I do recall one time when I was taking the jondom off afterwards only to accidentally empty its entire contents on her duvet. She was not impressed.

kowloon · 10-10-2013 08:43PM

There was the time I mistook my penis beaker for a drink.

Sorry, but that thread still hasn't sunk in fully.

creep · 10-10-2013 09:12PM

First experience was horrible, she was just lying there and i was on top of her and didn't know what I was doing. It was quite embarrassing and she just left

I then practiced positions with an empty loo role sticking me mickey into it and the next time I brought a girl back I knew what to do.

Please dont judge me

:o

we'llallhavetea · 10-10-2013 09:21PM

creep wrote: »

First experience was horrible, she was just lying there and i was on top of her and didn't know what I was doing. It was quite embarrassing and she just left

I then practiced positions with an empty loo role sticking me mickey into it and the next time I brought a girl back I knew what to do.

Please dont judge me :o

Take note lads!

Your most embarrassing sex story

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