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Child Item

Your most embarrassing sex story

Timmyctc

What is your most embarrassing sexual experience? I want all the nitty gritty details.

I heard a story from a friend (so take it with a massive dose of salt) But basically this lad who is now in oz pulled, to put it eloquently, a junkie, in a bar then later, during sex she suggested to insert a knotted rope into his back passage as it would "make the orgasm f***ing fantastic" in her words.

Anyways as he was about to finish the job she pulled the rope out and he shat everywhere, grabbed his clothes and paniced and started apologising only to see the junkie woman rolling around in his defecate. He promptly exited the premises and returned home before (for some unbeknownst to me reason he told the rest of the lads he lived with this story)

Personally my embarrassing experience would be I think when I was 15 an older girl wanted to have sex with me I think I unraveled a condom before trying to put it on. Needless to say I didn't lose my virginity that day.

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Gongoozler

exador wrote: »

sense of humour is lost om you.

Don't knock it

No you just didn't tell it very well

tuckermax

hooked up with a girl at a house party and proceeded to find a free bedroom. finally found one, turned down the lights and started to get down to it only to realize no condom!!! after a while i heard one of my mates voices outside the door and asked him if he had any condoms, he didnt but being the friend he was he said he would get me one. after a couple of min he knocked on the door and threw in a square silver packet. got back to action again and as i tore the packet open with my teeth white cream squirted out causing her to start screaming! the b***ard had found a packet of dove cream from the bathroom. still waiting to get him back for that.

exador

Gongoozler wrote: »

No you just didn't tell it very well

You had to be there

Grandeeod

Whats with all the no condom jokes?

The Lemsip one seems explosive and I can only say he thought he had a huge cock because a Lemsip sachet is a **** load bigger than a condom one!

petes

Grandeeod wrote: »

Whats with all the no condom jokes?

The Lemsip one seems explosive and I can only say he thought he had a huge cock because a Lemsip sachet is a **** load bigger than a condom one!

What? And you did read the title of the thread, yes?

Itwasntme.

Gummy Panda wrote: »

I heard cock induced panic attack is the worse

It's a thing :P? Google won't tell me anything.

ardle1

Chairman Meow wrote: »

Reminds me of the time an en and i were getting hot and heavy and she says "Do you want to suck my dick??". Laughed my arse off but felt bad as she started crying :pac:

And no it wasnt a ladyboy, sadly.

She was obviously thinking out loud, Something like... ' any minute now wait till you hear him ,'Do you want to suck my dick' ... :rolleyes:

Timmyctc

ardle1 wrote: »

She was obviously thinking out loud, Something like... ' any minute now wait till you hear him ,'Do you want to suck my dick' ... :rolleyes:

At Oxegen one year an ex and I were in the tent and were all but delirious from the travel, alcohol and lack of sleep wednesday - thursday but still half managed to get down to business. Mid way through the foreplay she came out with the most disturbing "sexy talk" line I've ever heard (clearly because she had basically fallen asleep and was talking nonesense....I hope) but it was along the lines of
"If you were a baby you could walk around without a nappy".

I was both hugely disturbing but I still pissed myself laughing and she sat straight up fully aware of what had just happened and said. "Timmyctc I'm going to sleep RIGHT NOW"

Daveysil15

Timmyctc wrote: »

At Oxegen one year an ex and I were in the tent and were all but delirious from the travel, alcohol and lack of sleep wednesday - thursday but still half managed to get down to business. Mid way through the foreplay she came out with the most disturbing "sexy talk" line I've ever heard (clearly because she had basically fallen asleep and was talking nonesense....I hope) but it was along the lines of
"If you were a baby you could walk around without a nappy".

I was both hugely disturbing but I still pissed myself laughing and she sat straight up fully aware of what had just happened and said. "Timmyctc I'm going to sleep RIGHT NOW"

It was only a matter of time before someone brought up a sex story from oxygen.

marshbaboon

I pulled a girl from work at a social outing involving plenty of alcohol. Ended up back at mine & went for a lovely sleep after an hour or so of breaking her in. She got up in the middle of the night to puke, or put tampons inside her or whatever ladies do in their bathroom lady time. She was so drunk/spasticated that she managed to lock herself in... She was banging on the door for around two hours before she woke my housemate, who also worked with us at the time. He had to kick in the bathroom door to find her crying & trouser-less on the bathroom tiles.

She crawled back into bed & I awoke wondering why the **** there was no lock on the bathroom door.

Itwasntme.

marshbaboon wrote: »

I pulled a girl from work at a social outing involving plenty of alcohol. Ended up back at mine & went for a lovely sleep after an hour or so of breaking her in. She got up in the middle of the night to puke, or put tampons inside her or whatever ladies do in their bathroom lady time. She was so drunk/spasticated that she managed to lock herself in... She was banging on the door for around two hours before she woke my housemate, who also worked with us at the time. He had to kick in the bathroom door to find her crying & trouser-less on the bathroom tiles.

She crawled back into bed & I awoke wondering why the **** there was no lock on the bathroom door.

My face is all crunched up and wrinkled from the anxiety I experienced while reading that tale. You 'broke her in', she got up to 'put tampons inside her', she was 'spasticated', locked in a bathroom for TWO hours, you live with your colleague who's also her colleague, crying and trouser-less...I don't know what to say.

mattjack

Itwasntme. wrote: »

My face is all crunched up and wrinkled from the anxiety I experienced while reading that tale. You 'broke her in', she got up to 'put tampons inside her', she was 'spasticated', locked in a bathroom for TWO hours, you live with your colleague who's also her colleague, crying and trouser-less...I don't know what to say.

If you take Marsh away from his name.......................

Highflyer13

Was with a girl on Tuesday night and somehow managed to get the condom stuck inside her during some wild antics. I was freaking out while she laughed about it. She ended up going to the bathroom and fishing it out. Unsure how long I was going without the johnny and I could do without a surprise in a months time!

Highflyer13

[Deleted User]

Timmyctc wrote: »

What is your most embarrassing sexual experience? I want all the nitty gritty details.

None spring to mind. Or at least none I can pick between. Certainly the most embarrasing sexually RELATED experience however was sending my girlfriends mother up to obtain something from the "Top Drawer in the bedroom".

When she came back she calmly and dead pan delivered the line "Ah, you meant the top drawer in the second bedroom then" and handed it to me. Took a few seconds to sink in but it was her subtle and cruel way of saying "That is one hell of a draw full of sex toys you got there in the first bedroom".

Was one of those slow motion things where I saw the reaction on the GFs face a split second before the realisation hit me.

Nothing more was said on the matter :-)

sbsquarepants

Ihatecuddles wrote: »

Ha me too! I was using super sticky lube and ended up glueing the condom to my insides.

What exactly is the function of super sticky lube? Are you sure it wasn't glue?:D

Khannie

Highflyer13 wrote: »

Was with a girl on Tuesday night and somehow managed to get the condom stuck inside her during some wild antics. I was freaking out while she laughed about it. She ended up going to the bathroom and fishing it out. Unsure how long I was going without the johnny and I could do without a surprise in a months time!

Don't worry...you'll only have to wait 2 weeks.

marshbaboon

Itwasntme. wrote: »

My face is all crunched up and wrinkled from the anxiety I experienced while reading that tale. You 'broke her in', she got up to 'put tampons inside her', she was 'spasticated', locked in a bathroom for TWO hours, you live with your colleague who's also her colleague, crying and trouser-less...I don't know what to say.

A thank you will suffice.

Daveysil15

Ihatecuddles wrote: »

Ha me too! I was using super sticky lube and ended up glueing the condom to my insides.

You're better off using a bit of spit.

Muise...

Daveysil15 wrote: »

You're better off using a bit of spit.

Spit on me, Dickie!

pharmaton

this one time I had sex, the whole thing was just shameful tbh. bodies writhing nakedy against each other and love juices spilling out all over the place, not to mention the sex noises. Won't be doing that again for sure.

Crooked Jack

pharmaton wrote: »

this one time I had sex, the whole thing was just shameful tbh. bodies writhing nakedy against each other and love juices spilling out all over the place, not to mention the sex noises. Won't be doing that again for sure.

http://www.asexuality.org/home/

Timmyctc

pharmaton wrote: »

this one time I had sex, the whole thing was just shameful tbh. bodies writhing nakedy against each other and love juices spilling out all over the place, not to mention the sex noises. Won't be doing that again for sure.

http://anunslife.org/resources/how-to-become-a-catholic-nun

sea_monkey

the trick is to be so woefully bad that they are more ashamed of themselves than you are.

Antar Bolaeisk

Left the condom behind one time, panicking I immediately mounted a rescue mission but in my haste wasn't exactly at my most delicate leaving me in the bad books for the day.

pharmaton

Timmyctc wrote: »

http://anunslife.org/resources/how-to-become-a-catholic-nun

I thought about it, briefly. Did a work placement with a religious organisation for 3 months in my early twenties, they wanted me bad.

Daveysil15

Actually I do recall one time when I was taking the jondom off afterwards only to accidentally empty its entire contents on her duvet. She was not impressed.

kowloon

There was the time I mistook my penis beaker for a drink.

Sorry, but that thread still hasn't sunk in fully.

creep

First experience was horrible, she was just lying there and i was on top of her and didn't know what I was doing. It was quite embarrassing and she just left

I then practiced positions with an empty loo role sticking me mickey into it and the next time I brought a girl back I knew what to do.

Please dont judge me

we'llallhavetea

creep wrote: »

First experience was horrible, she was just lying there and i was on top of her and didn't know what I was doing. It was quite embarrassing and she just left

I then practiced positions with an empty loo role sticking me mickey into it and the next time I brought a girl back I knew what to do.

Please dont judge me :o

Take note lads!