So I've finally come to terms with it-advice most welcome

Sgt Hartman · 03-09-2013 01:04PM #1

So for years and years of being in denial and hoping that it was only a phase I've finally come to terms that I'm bi, although I prefer guys. In the last few weeks I've checked out the scene, joined a social group, met and got along with other gay people and even done it with a guy for the first time:pac: Since then my self esteem and confidence has improved a lot.

My main problem is coming out to the family and to my oldest friends from Limerick, all who think that I'm as straight as an arrow. I want to do so this weekend but I'm quite terrified of doing so to be honest. I believe my parents would be ok but I worry about what the rest think. I really want to get it off my chest this weekend because I don't want this to be a secret any longer. If anyone could give me advice as to go about this in the best way I'd be extremely grateful.

DazMarz · 03-09-2013 11:07PM

Sgt Hartman wrote: »

So for years and years of being in denial and hoping that it was only a phase I've finally come to terms that I'm bi, although I prefer guys. In the last few weeks I've checked out the scene, joined a social group, met and got along with other gay people and even done it with a guy for the first time:pac: Since then my self esteem and confidence has improved a lot.

My main problem is coming out to the family and to my oldest friends from Limerick, all who think that I'm as straight as an arrow. I want to do so this weekend but I'm quite terrified of doing so to be honest. I believe my parents would be ok but I worry about what the rest think. I really want to get it off my chest this weekend because I don't want this to be a secret any longer. If anyone could give me advice as to go about this in the best way I'd be extremely grateful.

First off, fair play to you. It is one of the hardest things that you have to do. Happened to me, the same thing. Years of denial, bottling it up, hoping it would go away, hoping it was just a phase, the fear of everything... and the immense relief when you finally get it off your chest. Fair play to you for realising it, coming to terms with it and being finally ready to accept it. You have no idea how good that is.

I knew I was bi when I was about 15. Kept it bottled up until I was 23. The amount of stress and mental anguish that went out the door the day I told someone is unbelievable. I have told most of my friends. Haven't told any of my family, struggling to find the right time and still a bit nervous there, but I will some day. But my friends are the rock I have built everything subsequent upon.

I will say this, your friends (your true, through thick and thin, friends) will be there for you. You'll get everything you need from them. The shoulder to cry on, the support, the love. Have no doubt about that. I did. I most definitely did. They will not care. If anything they will want to help you and support you.

I found the best way of telling someone was to first go to your best friend. Now I mean your BEST friend. The one friend who you've been through everything with, the friend who will laugh his/her ass off at you if you fall over (before they help you up)... the friend you trust, love and cherish the most. That's what I did. Meet up with them one-on-one. Say to them that you want to talk about something or that you need to talk to them. Be alone with them and tell them. Don't give a big preamble or anything.

It does depend a lot on your own personality, though. I tend to be very straight-edge, doing-things-by-the-book, prim-and-proper and so on. So I was a bit more nervous and tried to be a bit more "formal" about it. Some people can be more casual in how they say it (eg. "You know, I'm gay, right?" or something along those lines). But it's entirely up to you.

Mothers and fathers and family are something I have not encountered yet, but it also varies from what I've heard. Depends on how conservative/religious/liberal they are as to what the reaction will be. You will know best yourself. But I've seen the most right-wing, holy-Joe parents completely change their tune once one of their own children comes out. It does happen.

Hopefully some of that ramble helped a bit, anyway.

Fair play to you, again. Your life begins here!!! You will not know yourself once you start getting it off your chest and off your mind. I know that I was like a different person afterwards; I was so much happier, not as stressed and a lot better at talking about my problems rather than just bottling them up.

Good luck, be safe, be happy and fair play (again!).

stephenken · 03-09-2013 11:38PM

Hi.
Great that u have come to the stage in your life to "come out " as they say ! Don't like that term really but however!
I was at that stage bout 3 years ago & just could not handle it anymore so made a choice .
It was amazing ..... kinda bit of a let down hahah !!! We always knew u were but we love you !! hugs hugs etc . since then no prob ... I am still the same man ...DO IT .... take the plunge and if u get any hostility ...just ignore ..its ur life
Best of luck
Stephen

Sgt Hartman · 04-09-2013 09:17PM

Thanks very much for the advice. Yeah screw it, it'll be nerve wracking but I'll go for it and say it to the mother tomorrow nite. I want the parents to know cos I don't want it to be a secret anymore. As a matter of fact it's gonna be liberating.

For years I've been trying to run away from it using one method or another. I was going through screwy religious phases and even contemplated joining the priesthood a few times. I've even gotten involved with some rather unsavoury characters although I severed contact with them a few years ago cos I just didn't wanna be anything like them. I've gone off on "dirty weekends" abroad with mates. No matter what I did it was always there. Now it's time to say screw it, let's embrace it and never try to run from it again. It's what I am and I might as well have fun now that I've accepted it.
Anyway this is the weekend where i finally tell the family and the buddies the truth. If any of them can't accept it then their prob:P I'll let ye know how things go:pac:

Btw DazMarz thanks for the advice, I hope your housemate situation has improved:)

DazMarz · 04-09-2013 11:11PM

Sgt Hartman wrote: »

Btw DazMarz thanks for the advice, I hope your housemate situation has improved:)

No problems, man. Any time.

And yeah, it has improved a lot... seeing as how we all moved out and I'm living with someone else. :P (I take it you were one of my loyal readers in the R&R forum...

)

lyinghere · 06-09-2013 03:23AM

Best of luck with this , you seem pretty decided and confident which is great. You say your going to tell everyone this weekend, I wouldnt feel like you have to tell everyone in the one go really, it can be a bit exhausting having that sort of conversation so my advise to you would be to take your time. It might be a lot to deal for you personally with so many people adjusting to your news at the same time. Personally i find it take me a bit of time to get used to people knowing.

In reality I'm just slow at getting things done and maybe you've already bitten the bullet and done it all and are happy out and this is useless advise!

Best of luck! It will be grand!!

Sgt Hartman · 07-09-2013 06:35PM

DazMarz wrote: »

No problems, man. Any time.

And yeah, it has improved a lot... seeing as how we all moved out and I'm living with someone else. :P (I take it you were one of my loyal readers in the R&R forum... )

Oh I was. I'm a regular over in R and R, giving out about pretty much everything lol.

So I'm going to the brother's this eve and 2 mates will be there as well. I'll probably need a couple of Dutch Courage beers before I say anything to them though. Feelin bloody nervous atm about it:(

stephenken · 09-09-2013 11:15PM

How did u get on ?

Davaeo09 · 10-09-2013 01:25AM

Seen this thread and just thought i'd share a funny flashback i just had

Very late a few weeks ago at my younger sisters 21st, an old friend of mine pulled me aside for a chat. Having heard from another old friend about my coming out(ish) he wanted to have his say.

The following conversation was awkward to say the least but what surprised me was how genuinely supportive he was and how even though the years made us drift apart, a true friend will always only want the well being of there loved ones.

Lol last thought, "what surprised me"
Us coming-outers have often got to give our friends more credit

Sgt Hartman · 10-09-2013 09:55PM

stephenken wrote: »

How did u get on ?

Being the coward that I am I didn't say anything to them:( I'm kicking myself but in saying that I did talk to a cousin of mine who's gay and told him.

He had similar experiences to myself which included a crazy religious period where he joined a monastery. I got some great advice from him, he basically said to just do what I wanna do and not to feel as if I have to explain myself to anyone. They'll probably make their own conclusions later anyway. If my mates are true friends then they won't mind. He also said not to take any hateful ****e or put downs from anyone.

I think I'll just do what he says and just go with the flow without officially mentioning it to anyone. So far I've joined a gay Dineout group here in Dublin and and met some decent people there. I wanna try and get to chat with a few gay guys I know in Limerick as well so that I can immerse myself a bit more into the social scene there. I find I've more confidence now than I've had in years since I accepted it. Now it's time to enjoy myself and have a bit of fun and possibly a relationship down the line:)

hotmail.com · 12-09-2013 11:50PM

Sgt Hartman wrote: »

Being the coward that I am I didn't say anything to them:( I'm kicking myself but in saying that I did talk to a cousin of mine who's gay and told him.

He had similar experiences to myself which included a crazy religious period where he joined a monastery. I got some great advice from him, he basically said to just do what I wanna do and not to feel as if I have to explain myself to anyone. They'll probably make their own conclusions later anyway. If my mates are true friends then they won't mind. He also said not to take any hateful ****e or put downs from anyone.

I think I'll just do what he says and just go with the flow without officially mentioning it to anyone. So far I've joined a gay Dineout group here in Dublin and and met some decent people there. I wanna try and get to chat with a few gay guys I know in Limerick as well so that I can immerse myself a bit more into the social scene there. I find I've more confidence now than I've had in years since I accepted it. Now it's time to enjoy myself and have a bit of fun and possibly a relationship down the line:)

I'm not trying to be smart, but is it the case that your friends and family probably know or may have guessed already?

A lot of gay men seem to ignore the fact that most people have guessed they're gay and don't care.

And you don't have to be a camp person to get noticed by the way. There's other signs that people spot.

lyinghere · 13-09-2013 01:13AM

hotmail.com wrote: »

I'm not trying to be smart, but is it the case that your friends and family probably know or may have guessed already?

A lot of gay men seem to ignore the fact that most people have guessed they're gay and don't care.

And you don't have to be a camp person to get noticed by the way. There's other signs that people spot.

Pretty irrelevant if they have guessed already out not.

Sgt Hartman · 16-09-2013 09:18PM

hotmail.com wrote: »

I'm not trying to be smart, but is it the case that your friends and family probably know or may have guessed already?

A lot of gay men seem to ignore the fact that most people have guessed they're gay and don't care.

And you don't have to be a camp person to get noticed by the way. There's other signs that people spot.

I've always had an inkling that the Mother knows already. In recent months we've had a couple of conversations which somehow led to the subject of gay people coming out. The most recent was when the sister was home and the 3 of us were having a chat with a few beers. Both were quite adamant that people who were secretly gay should come out and accept it rather than continue living a lie.
Previously to that my mother was telling me about a neighbour's nephew who was depressed because he was secretly gay. He was in the process of topping himself from a cliff until a Gard managed to stop him and contact his family. She said that if I was gay and ever wanted to come out that I should just say it rather than try to hide it. At the time I probably should have just said it but I was too bloody cowardly to:(

emigrate2012 · 02-11-2013 07:10AM

bloody hard **** to do. I know, I struggled with it for a long time before I came to terms with myself and reconciled with me brain that i'm bi. Was very nerve wracking to say to my family and friends (all btw fcuking incredibly supportive and sound about it.{some "always knew",(me auld lad) some "ye,and?"[the bro], another quite memorably "ye don't wanna **** me do ya?"{one of me best mates}..... no man yer grand to another refusing to accept that I'm bi and insisting that I'm fully 'gay'(a good friend, Female. a bit annoying,but however.)but that's just my experience, generally I reckon your family will be with ya, sure what changes really?!?your sex life is not something they really delve into anyway, they love ye already so what really changes? diddliy fcuking squat. family is one thing, if friends blank you or whatever, they were probably not good friends in the grand scheme of things. be yourself and be happy,

Coeurdepirate · 02-11-2013 04:40PM

Wonderful to see that you've accepted yourself, that's the most important part. Coming out, while terrifying, is very liberating and you'll come to know that the majority of people really just don't care! :P

So I've finally come to terms with it-advice most welcome

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