Why would anyone want to get married??

nicegirl · 31-08-2013 08:31AM

Bylar Bear wrote: »

Again, another statement from an ignorant person looking to validate their beliefs on the internet. Just as many women cheat as men cheat in relationships. The problem is when both men and women do not want to communicate their needs or receive their needs, they look for their needs elsewhere. A laziness from people who do not have the guts to face facts and work hard for what needs to be done.

How dare you say I am an ignorant person, and just looking to look for validation over the internet. I will say to you again, this is not a discussion about me, and my choices in life, but a discussion about marriage.

You can read what I have already posted about why I don't wish to get married, and also others who agree with me on the subject. I also respect the views of people who got married, and who are happy in their marriages.

Many people do work on their marriages, but as one poster stated there is 39% divorce rate in Ireland, and will more than likely continue to rise in years to come. As time passes, there are just as many people like myself, who do not wish to get married. But of course according to you, this makes us all selfish.

I have been in relationships, been happy, had difficulties, and the difficulties were sorted or not sorted, and I do know what it is like to work hard at a relationship. But as you just said people who don't work hard at relationships are lazy apparently.

Bylar Bear · 31-08-2013 08:31AM

Since you are new to boards, you might consider sticking to the topic being discussed instead of personally insulting me.

I'm not insulting you nor am I here to flame anybody. I just feel strongly about this. It just seems to me that people take getting married lightly and do not realise that it is actually hard work but is extremely rewarding. I have known many men and women that got married in a haste and divorced just as quickly because it was not what they were expecting.

nicegirl · 31-08-2013 08:34AM

Geomy wrote: »

People get very jealous when you're living the life of Riley.

They judge you with their jealously and resent the fact you're free and their tied down.

If they have more of an interest in your personal lifestyle, it goes to show their lifestyle isn't very interesting.

Most of my friends tell me, fair play to yo bhouy off out surfing, bodyboarding, hill walking, fishing, drives in the country, dating...

I love it. ....zero drama :-D

I have a 12 year old son,we have a ball when we spend time together.
I'm lucky to be a parent.

That's true. I have seen that in married couples too. They are still my friends and I love them to bits however.

handlemaster · 31-08-2013 08:35AM

In Ireland it seems to be very much tradition. The amount of friends that say when are you goint to get married ?. I just say why would I get married. It usually stops them. Or I have no interest in it.I think one in three get divorced. If you think about it how can you possible k ow thag you would be happy with the same person for the rest of your life people change on both sides. Its great for people that are into it.... go ahead is what I say but if someone isnt of your mind set shut up about it.

Geomy · 31-08-2013 08:37AM

Bylar Bear wrote: »

I'm not insulting you nor am I here to flame anybody. I just feel strongly about this. It just seems to me that people take getting married lightly and do not realise that it is actually hard work but is extremely rewarding. I have known many men and women that got married in a haste and divorced just as quickly because it was not what they were expecting.

Being honest with yourself is extremely rewarding too.

I have no doubt that you are in a happy relationship or marriage.
I think you're very lucky.

I can identify with the OP she's being honest, I find identifying or not identifying is better than comparing or judging a person's situation...

31-08-2013 08:39AM

zenno wrote: »

What ever you do, do not sacrifice your life to a contract. Making a deal with the devil you can love a person 100% without having to sell your soul.

How is getting married selling your soul? Having been married for over 20 years, I can recommend it highly. We are totally committed to each other and our children know this. They know that no matter how heated we may argue, that we are not going to walk away from each other.

nicegirl · 31-08-2013 08:40AM

Bylar Bear wrote: »

I'm not insulting you nor am I here to flame anybody. I just feel strongly about this. It just seems to me that people take getting married lightly and do not realise that it is actually hard work but is extremely rewarding. I have known many men and women that got married in a haste and divorced just as quickly because it was not what they were expecting.

Really?

You already stated that people who don't wish to get married were selfish, and people who don't work hard on a marriage are lazy. Everyone has to work hard at a marriage or also a long term relationship, does that make them all lazy?

Seriously, re read your posts.

Not what they were expecting? Well maybe you should have told them to work harder at their relationship. Maybe there were a whole load of issues why they divorced, unhappiness, cheating, etc.

dharma200 · 31-08-2013 08:44AM

I would think the best time to consider wether or not to get married is when someone asked you, or you have children, or there is sme sort of gain in doing so.

People have pointed out the many reasons why people get married. No one would do it if there were not valid reasons for it.

One of the most important is when children come inot the equation. Ask any man who is a separated unmarried father how nice it is to have zero rights.

I am an unmarried mother of three, it is looking like it will be of benefit to me and my long term partner and father of my kids to marry at some point in the future. If so we will, and enjoy whatever day we decide to have.

Wanting to be 'free as a bird' etc etc is all very well until the responsibilities that come with being a mature adult, perhaps mother , father, a house owner with mortgage, work life bills, school for children, eventually college.. Etc etc. being married for some people helps, be it tax or just security.

The 'why would anyone get married' to me seems a fairly ridiculous quests and as another poster pointed out, is ofcourse loaded by the reasons why one wouldn't given by the op. marriage may not seem on the horizon for many, a lot of people who are free and single eventually find themselves in a relationship and having children, trying to get a house and security...m this does happen even to the most free spirits in the world.... The divorce rate has nothing to do with why people do or don't get maried IMHO.....

Until there is a personal benefit then ofcourse one wouldn't see the pint of getting married, but to list endless reasons why you wouldn't, or why people shouldn't, seems a bit premature unless you are in your 70s or 80s.

ted1 · 31-08-2013 08:46AM

nicegirl wrote: »

How dare you say I am an ignorant person, and just looking to look for validation over the internet. I will say to you again, this is not a discussion about me, and my choices in life, but a discussion about marriage.

You can read what I have already posted about why I don't wish to get married, and also others who agree with me on the subject. I also respect the views of people who got married, and who are happy in their marriages.

Many people do work on their marriages, but as one poster stated there is 39% divorce rate in Ireland, and will more than likely continue to rise in years to come. As time passes, there are just as many people like myself, who do not wish to get married. But of course according to you, this makes us all selfish.

I have been in relationships, been happy, had difficulties, and the difficulties were sorted or not sorted, and I do know what it is like to work hard at a relationship. But as you just said people who don't work hard at relationships are lazy apparently.

That 39% has being discredited

Grayson · 31-08-2013 08:46AM

fleet wrote: »

Divorce rate is currently running at 39% in Ireland (new couples, link below) and could reasonably be expected to rise to 50% (US rate).

It's a pretty raw deal for most parties with humans propensity for cheating, traditional marriage ought not be the choice of the majority. You can say "so what, we'll try" but given the cost, and likelihood of failure I'd hesitate to bet my house on it. It's a roulette game where you've bet your house on red.

There is social/family pressure (tradition), state pressure (tax breaks) and religious pressure (despite atheists being vocal here they are not the majority of our population). Biological pressure too given that most don't like to share partners so comes the feelings of "greed" which push us towards a contract that says he/she is yours exclusively.

Kids do better in a two parent family no doubt. However, our method of raising kids (suburban nuclear family) is far removed from the community method that humans traditionally used where a missing father wasn't so much of a issue because there were many male role models around.

http://www.independent.ie/world-news/europe/divorce-rate-after-10-years-static-29057120.html

I don't even know if the need to cheat is responsible. I think boredom is more likely to cause issues. The worst unhappy marriages I've seen were people who were trapped in domestic tedium. The same crap, day in day out. It's got to drive you insane after a while.

There's one couple I know and every time I say them they looked like they were half asleep. They went through the motions of life but there was no enjoyment. I think it's because people follow a fixed route and it's probably not even for them. Get married, have kids, get a mortgage, scrimp and save for the occasional sunny holiday where they sit on a beach. If they did it differently they might be happy, but the lifestyle they are following is slowly strangling the life out of them with boredom

Bylar Bear · 31-08-2013 08:47AM

Not what they were expecting? Well maybe you should have told them to work harder at their relationship. Maybe there were a whole load of issues why they divorced, unhappiness, cheating, etc.

Sometimes you can tell people until you are blue in the face but it will not make a difference.

There are indeed a load of issues why people cheat and or divorce. Sometimes one of the two was just a rotten person. But a lot of divorces happen because either the couple married in haste before they really got to know each other and or they just did not have the desire or will to work out a problem like mature adults.

zenno · 31-08-2013 08:49AM

bizmark wrote: »

you didn't make a choice or at lest didn't word your question as such you asked a question and i answered it with my own view point on it and your seeming lack of understanding of why someone would get married.

Tbh it just speaks volumes of the selfish me me me short sighted crap our so called culture has turned into.

Imho anyway

I apologise implicitly for forwarding this, but i couldn't help it...

Me Me Me....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owS7Cn2iKcY

nicegirl · 31-08-2013 08:52AM

Deleted User wrote: »

How is getting married selling your soul? Having been married for over 20 years, I can recommend it highly. We are totally committed to each other and our children know this. They know that no matter how heated we may argue, that we are not going to walk away from each other.

I'm really happy to hear you have been married for so long and are happy. Many people who get married wish, and hope and do all they can to achieve what you have, so you are a lucky lady

There are so many complications with marriages these days, the husband or the wife changing within some of the years of marriage, or many of the other reasons I have mentioned.

Its a huge issue I guess. With so very many reasons surrounding marriage, it is taking a huge chance with just one other person for the rest of your life, and so many young people are aware of all the complications and difficulties of marriages, and yes they get married, as they are happy and love each other. I just don't believe its all worth it.

31-08-2013 08:54AM

nicegirl wrote: »

I don't see the point of tying the knot because of the reasons I and other posters have mentioned. The first few years might be good, then kids come along, and then the relationship would/might get boring, lack of sex etc. You may find that you are then unhappy, arguments begin, you try to work it out, but you cannot solve lots of the problems. Then as you are married, and have kids, you are stuck in a marriage you are unhappy in, and ultimately unhappy in your life, and you can't leave due to the kids, cost of divorce etc.

I did meet someone in the past that I loved very much, but the thought of marriage I was still feeling the same way as now, even though I loved him that much. And again, no I am not looking for validation on the internet at all, just a discussion about this issue.

Yes the first few years were great. Then along came a little treasure that added another dimension to our lives. Tragedy struck with the death of a parent, followed by three miscarriages. The one constant in that time, was his arms around me at night, falling asleep in each others arms and waking to face a new day together. Did we need a piece of paper to allow us do this? Possibly not, but we are a unit and support each other, through thick and thin. We've seen each other at our worst and still want to be with no one else. Maybe we are one of the lucky ones. Living together never crossed our minds - mind you it was the early 90's and things were a bit different then.

martinedwards · 31-08-2013 08:54AM

Commitment is a wonderful thing.

I looked at my parents, married 30 years. My GF's Parents married 30 years AND ALL STILL HAPPY with their spouce.

we thought "i want a bit of that!"

now?

Just celebrated both sets of parents 55th anniversaries, and our own 21st.

happy as a pig in poo, with 4 kids who aren't Bar stewards,

and as we're all of a religeous persuasion, we really WANTED to as well

Caonima · 31-08-2013 08:56AM

Tom M wrote: »

I challenge any man to honestly say the sound of a woman moaning during sex nearby doesn't turn them on.

Ever heard your ma and da have sex and be tempted to jump in there, stud?

Legs.Eleven · 31-08-2013 08:58AM

Bylar Bear wrote: »

Oh lord. Here we go. Another selfish person looking for people to validate their beliefs and or fears on the internet. Clearly you have never loved somebody enough, nor been loved by somebody enough, to have wanted to spend the rest of your life with them.

It is obvious as well from your other posts that you cannot think or care about the concerns for anybody except your own.

So only married people will spend the rest of their lives with someone? You couldn't possibly care about another person unless you're married? Is that what you're trying to say here?

And how is it clear the OP has never been in love before? Plenty of people who are madly in love just don't want to get married. It's a reasonable question to ask why others would.

I've nothing against marriage but smug, married couples would do your head in (I'm not talking about all married couples, just the attitude of the poster above).

Edit: People outside of relationships have people they love too btw.

dharma200 · 31-08-2013 08:58AM

Nice girl, I don't wish to offend , but your posts read like someone who has not been in a long term committed relationship. Ofcourse people change, but the key is commitment to your family and resposibilites as a mature adult. I am not sure what you mean but ' worth it' ... The outcome of a marriage is ensured by incredibly hard work in the part of each person. It is those who believe in flighting the minute there are challenges or changes in the relationship that do not get married... Because they do not commit.... That is all fine and well until you have a child or a long term financial commitment. The worth it part is self explanatory. If you walk into marriage with a risk assessment attitude then I suspect you are right in that you should never get married.

nicegirl · 31-08-2013 08:59AM

Grayson wrote: »

I don't even know if the need to cheat is responsible. I think boredom is more likely to cause issues. The worst unhappy marriages I've seen were people who were trapped in domestic tedium. The same crap, day in day out. It's got to drive you insane after a while.

There's one couple I know and every time I say them they looked like they were half asleep. They went through the motions of life but there was no enjoyment. I think it's because people follow a fixed route and it's probably not even for them. Get married, have kids, get a mortgage, scrimp and save for the occasional sunny holiday where they sit on a beach. If they did it differently they might be happy, but the lifestyle they are following is slowly strangling the life out of them with boredom

The boredom day in day out another factor that would certainly put me off. I've been in long term relationships, and it can get very boring after a while.

If you are not married, and are unhappy in a long term relationship it is alot easier to break up than it is to break up when you are married.

Grayson · 31-08-2013 09:01AM

dharma200 wrote: »

The worth it part is self explanatory. If you walk into marriage with a risk assessment attitude then I suspect you are right in that you should never get married.

i agree. Feck the risk. I'm hopping on a flight to vegas to marry a stripper. What could go wrong?

http://www.brokencountry.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/ugly_stripper.jpg

Sam Kade · 31-08-2013 09:03AM

zenno · 31-08-2013 09:06AM

Deleted User wrote: »

How is getting married selling your soul? Having been married for over 20 years, I can recommend it highly. We are totally committed to each other and our children know this. They know that no matter how heated we may argue, that we are not going to walk away from each other.

It's just an outdated contractual agreement in my opinion. I'm happy for you, and i like to see it work out well for folks, but there is no need for it.. (marriage) that is.

If you fall in love, then shouldn't that be enough ? why have it stamped in writing ? you don't need a piece of paper/matter/religion to prove you adore/love your partner and your children.

I think the look in the eye's of both sides says enough to be in love with a person, so why bring in all the added UN-bonuses ?.

ikarie · 31-08-2013 09:06AM

nicegirl wrote: »

I just don't believe its all worth it.

There is the nub of your argument, personally I think it is worth it, married 20 years and no regrets but you are entitled to your opinion I just hope you won't have any regrets in your choices in 20 years.

nicegirl · 31-08-2013 09:07AM

Bylar Bear wrote: »

Sometimes you can tell people until you are blue in the face but it will not make a difference.

There are indeed a load of issues why people cheat and or divorce. Sometimes one of the two was just a rotten person. But a lot of divorces happen because either the couple married in haste before they really got to know each other and or they just did not have the desire or will to work out a problem like mature adults.

Well the other party should have known the person well enough to know they were a rotten person, or should not have got married so fast in the first place.

Everyone who gets married has to work hard at a marriage, and the marriages that don't succeed does that make them lazy and immature?

PingO_O · 31-08-2013 09:08AM

dharma200 wrote: »

Nice girl, I don't wish to offend , but your posts read like someone who has not been in a long term committed relationship. Ofcourse people change, but the key is commitment to your family and resposibilites as a mature adult. I am not sure what you mean but ' worth it' ... The outcome of a marriage is ensured by incredibly hard work in the part of each person. It is those who believe in flighting the minute there are challenges or changes in the relationship that do not get married... Because they do not commit.... That is all fine and well until you have a child or a long term financial commitment. The worth it part is self explanatory. If you walk into marriage with a risk assessment attitude then I suspect you are right in that you should never get married.

Really? I think it would be quite a healthy attitude to have. I'm with nicegirl here. Sometimes relationships break down and people grow apart, working at it with all the effort in the world will probably do more harm than good. Seeing when the marriage has run its course and calling time is probably one of the hardest but healthiest things we can do for ourselves and our partners.

I think some people here have the attitude that if you end your marriage you're a quitter, that's just the vibe I get, much like people who think love alone is enough to continue a relationship, it just isn't.

Legs.Eleven · 31-08-2013 09:08AM

ikarie wrote: »

There is the nub of your argument, personally I think it is worth it, married 20 years and no regrets but you are entitled to your opinion I just hope you won't have any regrets in your choices in 20 years.

Would that not have happened if you didn't get married though? Surely it's possible to love someone and not marry them?

dharma200 · 31-08-2013 09:10AM

Zeno, there are many contractual agreements in life, bank accounts, employment contracts, they are all there for a reason, contracts are draughed for a reason, the whole point is it is a contract between two unrelated people who's life finances etc become legal bonded, for the many reasons outlined people do this. The ops question is why would anyone want to get married, and the contract part, I would say, is pretty high up when there is a myriad of responsibilities, I feel it is only those who do not yet have these responsibilities who see a contract as having no use, when these responsibilities become a reality then ofcourse, as in many many arrangements in life, a contract is almost necessary.

dharma200 · 31-08-2013 09:14AM

PingO_O wrote: »

Really? I think it would be quite a healthy attitude to have. I'm with nicegirl here. Sometimes relationships break down and people grow apart, working at it with all the effort in the world will probably do more harm than good. Seeing when the marriage has run its course and calling time is probably one of the hardest but healthiest things we can do for ourselves and our partners.

I think some people here have the attitude that if you end your marriage you're a quitter, that's just the vibe I get, much like people who think love alone is enough to continue a relationship, it just isn't.

I meant to not get married in the first place purely because it may fail in my opinion, when the reasons that one would use to get married, such as children mortgage etc etc is apparent, seems to me wrong, I am in the position in. My life I have more reasons to get married than not to... The op is in the position where she has less reasons to get married than to. I am not married and was raised by my father as my parents divorced. This does not mean I cannot see the reasons why people would get married and also does not mean I would not get married purely because it may end in divorce, if the reasons to get married outweigh the reasons not to.

Caonima · 31-08-2013 09:14AM

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

Surely it's possible to love someone and not marry them?

I would've preferred this, personally speaking. Didn't work out that way, though.

Legs.Eleven · 31-08-2013 09:14AM

dharma200 wrote: »

Zeno, there are many contractual agreements in life, bank accounts, employment contracts, they are all there for a reason, contracts are draughed for a reason, the whole point is it is a contract between two unrelated people who's life finances etc become legal bonded, for the many reasons outlined people do this. The ops question is why would anyone want to get married, and the contract part, I would say, is pretty high up when there is a myriad of responsibilities, I feel it is only those who do not yet have these responsibilities who see a contract as having no use, when these responsibilities become a reality then ofcourse, as in many many arrangements in life, a contract is almost necessary.

The practicalities of it make perfect sense but posters coming on patronising other posters with, "You wouldn't understand as you haven't truly loved" bollocks is a little infuriating. Marriage doesn't guarantee anything. It's a bigger deal because leaving one is harder but it's very possible to stay with someone forever and love deeply without making it legally/religiously official and having a massive piss up with friends.

Why would anyone want to get married??

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