Non-Alcoholic Wedding?

aiseiri47 · 25-08-2013 10:12PM #1

Hi,

I've been pondering how one would go about a non-alcoholic wedding in Ireland. I'm not a drinker and my mother is an alcoholic, meaning that I am very uncomfortable around people who are drunk. I can usually deal with other people's weddings because I'm under no obligation to talk to most of the people there. The thought of my own wedding being an excuse for many of the guests to go out and have a night on the drink puts me off wanting a wedding at all. It wouldn't feel like "my" night in any way. But then, neither would having a typical wedding sans alcohol and feeling like everyone thought I was robbing them of their fun or something.

I've been trying to think of how I would have a non-alcoholic wedding, and I can't think of anything. My friend has her own lovely idea of an outdoor afternoon tea party for the whole guestlist, followed by an intimate dinner for her closest family and friends. But while I don't want to steal her idea, anyway, I am rather attached to the idea of having a dance and a laugh, too, so I'm sort of stumped.

I'm also curious about venues -- I assume most hotels and other wedding venues that cater receptions, while pricing their packages, take into account that they'll be making money hand over fist on selling drinks. Would these venues not be a little miffed to be told "no alcohol"?

Totally stumped

kollegeknight · 25-08-2013 10:15PM

What about an alternative venue like a community centre? Bring in caterers and set up the drink as you please.

livinsane · 25-08-2013 10:52PM

Not to detract from the advice you'll get here but from reading forums online, alcohol free weddings seem to be more popular in the States so you might get some good ideas checking out US based forums.

You're probably better off staying well away from venues with a bar because unless all the guests are understanding and supportive of the idea, you might have a bit of trouble with people trying to buy alcohol/bribing the bartender! The smaller the guest list, the easier it will be to execute a drink free wedding I'd imagine.

Good luck with it.

jlm29 · 25-08-2013 11:00PM

OP, I think it will depend largely on your budget, and your location.
You're right about hotels not being too impressed because they'd be down revenue from the bar-, but even if you found a hotel willing to not serve alcohol in the fxn room, some of your guests would undoubtedly be nipping out to the bar for a few scoops- which you wouldnt really be able to do anything about. you could easily find that half your guests would spend a fair bit of the night in the bar- depending on their attitude towards an alcohol free wedding.
There's a good few venues around the country that are available for exclusive hire. Old country houses, castles etc. they're places where you'd have to hire caterers, and there'd probably be a bit more organising than if you went to a hotel, but you'd achieve what you want to! If you mention where in the country you are, I'm sure there's people here who'll be able to advise on possible venues!

clint_silver · 26-08-2013 09:36AM

Ive only ever heard of 1 alcohol-free wedding, my folks attended it last year in france (irish bride, english groom). They, like majority of Irish people, like a drink to relax and dance and sing but as there was none, they just couldnt. It was in some swanky castle in the middle of nowhere.

Heres the thing, it wasnt broadcast beforehand that it was to be alcohol free. If they'ed known beforehand they said they might have been able to get their heads around it but to go to a bar on the night and then find out felt like it was thrown on them. theyre not big drinkers, and not drunks by any means but they do like to have a few drinks at a party to relax and unwinding. But the party then never happened as (from what they could see) as the majority of the crowd would have been similar to them.

Id suggest if you do go ahead with it, make sure people know so they're prepared for it.

Try avoca in kilmacanogue

lazygal · 26-08-2013 09:59AM

Hmm as a guest I'm not so sure about this. My parents are the only ones I know attended an alcohol free wedding many moons ago (the bride's family were teetotal so the orange squash was all that was served) and they still think it was weird. It's mentioned as 'that' wedding when they hear of events for adults with no booze.

I get why you might want a booze free wedding but equally, your guests should be taken into account. An afternoon tea style wedding might suit, but I still think a few glasses of bubbly might be nice to offer. Irish people expect a few drinks at wedding, as they do at other social occasions, and I can see the party you want not happening as people drift. I'm not a massive drinker but I like a glass of wine with my dinner or at least the option of buying a drink - I'd think a no booze 'rule' would come across a little school disco-ish to some people.

I also don't think the fact you drink and your mother has problems with drink should mean alcohol has to be totally off the table for everyone else. We have problem drinkers on both sides of the family but that wasn't a reason for everyone else not to have the option of a drink.

Howard Juneau · 26-08-2013 10:01AM

A non alcoholic wedding to suit 1 guest? Not going to go down well, if you tell people in the invites its non alcoholic, expect women to arrive carrying very big handbags

Buzz84 · 26-08-2013 10:08AM

Its your day but people will not be happy about not being allowed to drink especially if they dont know about it, also venues will Im sure pump up the price as they wont be making any money from not selling alcohol.

If you're going to do it at least let people know about it.

How does your husband to be feel about it?

Sleepy · 26-08-2013 10:17AM

I'd say if you really want no booze at an Irish wedding I think your only real option is to go down the path of having your ceremony followed by intimate family & close friends meal (upside here is that due to the smaller numbers you can afford to go for really top notch food).

The reality is that Irish people can't fathom a party without alcohol and there's very little chance of getting many (particularly men) on a dancefloor without it.

loveisdivine · 26-08-2013 11:05AM

Sleepy wrote: »

The reality is that Irish people can't fathom a party without alcohol and there's very little chance of getting many (particularly men) on a dancefloor without it.

This is so true and so sad

I too have an alcoholic mother who's behaviour has caused me quite a few problems so I'm not always comfortable around drunk people.

My mother isn't coming to my wedding so we're not having an alcohol free wedding. But part of me is still a little apprehensive about how drunk some people are going to get.

Its a tough one. I don't enjoy being around drunk people, but I know it would go down like a lead balloon if I had suggested an alcohol free wedding.

I think if you're going to do it you need to do something like the tea party, as its less likely people will want to drink loads at that time of day.

pwurple · 26-08-2013 11:18AM

I understand what you mean, it's similar to me and smokers. I just can't stand being around people while they are smoking. Lucky for me there is a smoking ban.

I think a morning or day event would be the best way to approach this. A wedding brunch, lunch, tea or similar.

I was at a non-alcoholic wedding before. After the ceremony, the reception was on a boat, we did a tour around the coastline with a band playing, twas good fun. They said they couldn't get insurance for drinking on the boat, too dangerous. No idea if that was true or not.

livinsane · 26-08-2013 12:35PM

I've been thinking about this some more and trying to come up with ideas. It's a challenge! I'm pregnant at the mo and have been to three weddings without alcohol and I've had fun so it can be done.

The following ideas don’t take budget into account so you might fare better letting us know how much money you want to spend, guest numbers and where you’re based. Otherwise people can’t really suggest venues.

My reception ideas:

1. Keep the drinks interesting by having exotic non alcoholic cocktails/punch. Tons of cool recipes online. Let people mix up their own. If you’re into coffee, how about a fancy coffee bar? Juice bar?

2. Make the meal AWESOME. How about food stations where the food is cooked in front of you? Pig on a spit? BBQ? You could do breakfast for dinner with a brunch style menu. Sharing platters would make guests interact and talk to each other.

3. If you want to have dancing, make sure you have an excellent band/dj that will interact with the crowd and draw them out. Friends of mine had people from their swing dance class who put on a demonstration and lessons to get the party going.

4. Disposable cameras are good fun. I personally went to great lengths setting up elaborate experimental photo shoots!

5. Have a theme. Doesn’t have to be cheesy. I have visions of an oriental tea room with incense and everyone sitting on luxurious pillows….might be more suited to Electric Picnic though :pac:

Malari · 26-08-2013 12:37PM

pwurple wrote: »

I was at a non-alcoholic wedding before. After the ceremony, the reception was on a boat, we did a tour around the coastline with a band playing, twas good fun. They said they couldn't get insurance for drinking on the boat, too dangerous. No idea if that was true or not.

That's unusual! Did you get warned beforehand? It would be sealegs not alcohol I'd be looking for if I had to attend a reception on a boat!

clint_silver · 26-08-2013 12:44PM

loveisdivine wrote: »

This is so true and so sad

I too have an alcoholic mother who's behaviour has caused me quite a few problems so I'm not always comfortable around drunk people.

My mother isn't coming to my wedding so we're not having an alcohol free wedding. But part of me is still a little apprehensive about how drunk some people are going to get.

Its a tough one. I don't enjoy being around drunk people, but I know it would go down like a lead balloon if I had suggested an alcohol free wedding.

I think if you're going to do it you need to do something like the tea party, as its less likely people will want to drink loads at that time of day.

I wouldnt say its sad, plenty of people can enjoy a drink without turning it into excess or getting too drunk or rodwdy. Lots of people need their inhibitions lowered which even a couple of drinks can do. At any given party, therell always be a section of people who'll drink too much, some who wont drink at all and but most will drink a responsable amount they can handle with enjoyment. Do you deprive those due to the drink-to-excess crowd?

pwurple · 26-08-2013 01:19PM

Malari wrote: »

That's unusual! Did you get warned beforehand? It would be sealegs not alcohol I'd be looking for if I had to attend a reception on a boat!

Yes, we knew ahead of time, it was on the invites. It wasn't a powerboat bouncing over waves, more of a large party yacht. Nice and smooth. Really enjoyed it.

I've been on another boat reception as well, in amsterdam, but we had drinks there. That was on the canals, so totally smooth as well.

aiseiri47 · 26-08-2013 01:22PM

sThanks to those who offered help.

To be clear, it is not a "no-alcohol" rule to suit one guest. To be honest, I couldn't care less if my mother came to my wedding and had a drink. It's her business, I've dusted my hands of her choices. I'd sooner not invite her than prop up an entire alcohol-free wedding to suit her. This is about the fact that I have a very low bar of patience for people's behaviour when they are drinking and I don't think I should have to put up with drunken antics at my own wedding.

My partner also doesn't drink, and he doesn't like the way people behave when they're drinking either. (And for the record most of both our immediate families either don't drink at all or are minimal/social drinkers who mostly can't be that bothered with alcohol.)

For me, really, the whole idea that I have to go out of my way to organise a non-alcoholic wedding seems really backward. I grew up in a multicultural and diverse society, and it was normal to plan social events so they suited you; doing something specifically to please others involved going out of your way. But in Irish society (and I assume other culturally insular communities), it's the other way around - you do things in the socially normative and typical way often just to keep others happy, and doing anything the way you'd actually prefer it done is seen as going out of your way to upset or alienate people :-/

To me the most natural thing would be to have a wedding, offer wine at dinner, but otherwise have no open bar or serve any other alcohol. But I feel like I have to specially devise a plan to pull it off without upsetting anyone, and then spending a lot of time feeling anxious that people will feel put out anyway. And it's either that, or just have the typical, booze-fest wedding which wouldn't make me any happier.

Didn't plan to get all idealogical! But, yes. The problem seems to be venue. Obviously there isn't any point in having an alcohol-free wedding at a hotel because people will just drink in the bar. (And I'd be planning to have the ceremony and reception in the same location, so I'm sure people would get an early start).

TBH, here's a compromise that would suit me fine: Have a dinner in a non-hotel location, where I'd have to hire out a bar staff anyway. There would be the ceremony, a coffee/tea reception, followed by dinner where a glass of white/red wine is offered, then the speeches/toasts/the cake and whatnot, and then I would be perfectly happen to start the music and open the bar. That way, people would be hopefully relaxed but sober for the majority of the wedding, I could have a bit of a dance and a laugh, but could ease myself out if I started feeling put out by drunk behaviour.

I'd just be worried that people would feel like I was telling them how much to drink (dinner) and when to drink (bar not opening until the music starts).

(EDIT: livinsane, sorry, didn't see your response when I opened up the reply page. I like the idea of a BBQ a lot, especially since I spent half my life in Texas, and one of the venues I looked at actually had a BBQ area.

And in response to other things that have been said. I don't really see it as "depriving people" who can handle their drink due to the inability of others to control themselves. That's the deeply alcoholic mindset of our society speaking. I didn't deprive people of alcohol at my daughter's first birthday party. I just didn't serve any. If people feel like being at an event that doesn't serve alcohol is them being deprived, they might want to take another look at their attitude towards drinking. You don't have to get routinely drunk to be an alcoholic. You just have to be dependent on it to a certain extent.)

lazygal · 26-08-2013 01:56PM

aiseiri47 wrote: »

I'd just be worried that people would feel like I was telling them how much to drink (dinner) and when to drink (bar not opening until the music starts).

And in response to other things that have been said. I don't really see it as "depriving people" who can handle their drink due to the inability of others to control themselves. That's the deeply alcoholic mindset of our society speaking. I didn't deprive people of alcohol at my daughter's first birthday party. I just didn't serve any. If people feel like being at an event that doesn't serve alcohol is them being deprived, they might want to take another look at their attitude towards drinking. You don't have to get routinely drunk to be an alcoholic. You just have to be dependent on it to a certain extent.)

Well, if you're deciding how much and when people can drink, you are telling them how much to drink. Nothing wrong with sticking to offering one glass of wine with dinner, many couples budget for that alone, but really it comes across like you want to control how much drink everyone can access.

As another poster said, not everyone gets mad drunk at every occasion alcohol is served at. And it think its a bit off to refer to a 'deeply alcoholic' mindset of the country. That certainly isn't the case when we go to weddings. Like any other occasions you might get the few eejits who can't control themselves but most people just want a few drinks and to let their hair down. Nothing wrong with that. These are adults you're asking to your wedding, right? And you come across like you don't trust them when it comes to drink.

In contrast to your plan, we had a free bar at our wedding, along with free pours of wine and bubbly. A few people got very drunk (the family members to whom I referred in my original post) but most had a few drinks, relaxed, had the craic and a dance and didn't shame themselves. I think your views on drink have, quite understandably, been skewed by your experience with your mother (something I've noticed about people who's parents were alcoholics was their tendency to have very black and white views on alcohol generally). The few eejits weren't the main focus of our day and we barely registered them.

I think a social occasion like a wedding where the majority of guests are adults is very different to a child's birthday party. No one would really expect alcohol at a child's party, because children don't drink. Like it or not, adults invited to a wedding won't like strict controls on what they can drink, because its not a child's birthday party.

super_furry · 26-08-2013 02:01PM

I think it would be fine if it's an early wedding and finishing up early but if you want Irish people to stay late, get dancing and get involved then it might be a bit of a stretch.

I know I wouldn't like to dance without a couple of pints on me, and I doubt I'm alone.

logie101 · 26-08-2013 02:03PM

Having the wedding on Good Friday and say that out of religious conviction no alcohol.

Ive heard of Alcohol free weddings up North in the Free prestbertarian Bible Belt areas.

baby and crumble · 26-08-2013 02:13PM

I'd have similar views to you, op, in that I really dislike and fell uncomfortable being around drunk people, regardless of how well I know them. Luckily my partner understands, and since neither of us are big drinkers (although we do like the occasional one it two) we decided that drinking wasn't going to be a big part of our wedding.

We have a BBQ planned, and what were planning is to have a non-alcoholic cocktail and milkshake bar which will be free for guests, and then a smaller bar which people have to pay for if they want alcohol. We also have a bunch of different things planned for people to have fun though out the day/evening like Xbox games, movies being screened, that kind of thing. Like a mini festival. That way we can wander around, hang out with our friends without it being a "drink and a dance" kind of wedding (which I don't like) but people can still have a few drinks if they want.

December2012 · 26-08-2013 02:27PM

You might be better off having an evening ceremony instead, because in my experience people will wait until after the service to start drinking.

livinsane · 26-08-2013 02:33PM

baby and crumble wrote: »

We have a BBQ planned, and what were planning is to have a non-cocktail and milkshake bar which will be free for guests, and then a smaller bar which people have to pay for if they want alcohol. We also have a bunch of different things planned for people to have fun though out the day/evening like Xbox games, movies being screened, that kind of thing. Like a mini festival. That way we can wander around, hang out with our friends without it being a "drink and a dance" kind of wedding (which I don't like) but people can still have a few drinks if they want.

Love it. Sounds fabulous. I've always toyed with the idea of screening a movie on the wedding day.

clint_silver · 26-08-2013 03:18PM

livinsane wrote: »

Love it. Sounds fabulous. I've always toyed with the idea of screening a movie on the wedding day.

In my experience (and Ive seen these tried to be done) they do not work.

Social gatherings are not the place to get people to do nothing but stare at a screen for 2 hours of a movie of your choice.

lazygal · 26-08-2013 03:24PM

clint_silver wrote: »

In my experience (and Ive seen these tried to be done) they do not work.

Social gatherings are not the place to get people to do nothing but stare at a screen for 2 hours of a movie of your choice.

Yeah I'd be bored with something like that. I'd rather choose what to watch on my own time.

livinsane · 26-08-2013 04:22PM

clint_silver wrote: »

In my experience (and Ive seen these tried to be done) they do not work.

Social gatherings are not the place to get people to do nothing but stare at a screen for 2 hours of a movie of your choice.

Im not talking about rounding everyone up and forcing them to watch a film. It'd have to be set up so it wasn't in your face but an option if you felt like it. And it would have to fit into the overall theme of the day. Small children would enjoy it and I'd say my wedding crowd would be 50:50 adults/children.

baby and crumble · 26-08-2013 04:22PM

livinsane wrote: »

Love it. Sounds fabulous. I've always toyed with the idea of screening a movie on the wedding day.

clint_silver wrote: »

In my experience (and Ive seen these tried to be done) they do not work.

Social gatherings are not the place to get people to do nothing but stare at a screen for 2 hours of a movie of your choice.

lazygal wrote: »

Yeah I'd be bored with something like that. I'd rather choose what to watch on my own time.

Well you see we are lucky enough to be able to have multiple 'pods' at our location, so people have the option of watching or not. TBH it's mostly going to be showing short movies for the kids and anyone who wants a break. I know from my experience at weddings there are lots of times I would have liked something like that going on where I could take few minutes without having to chat to people. If you're not an extrovert it's good to have something like that to opt in to if you want.

Dolbert · 26-08-2013 04:34PM

That sounds fantastic, babyandcrumble

Was it difficult to find such a venue?

delthedriver · 26-08-2013 04:51PM

Interesting! I attended a wedding a few years ago where the Bride & Groom were Methodist. As Methodist's refrain from drinking alcohol, the wedding was alcohol free. The venue was lovely, it was one of the best wedding's I attended. There was still music & dancing, and I guess the proprietors of the Hotel were rubbing their hands as there is a much larger mark up on soft drinks than alcoholic beverages.

Personally I don't understand why people put themselves under so much pressure with weddings. Why not invite the immediate wedding party to a top restaurant , enjoy a nice meal together and simply have wine with Dinner

aiseiri47 · 26-08-2013 08:30PM

Thanks for the additional responses.

I really don't want to control what people are drinking. The wine thing is really because I feel it's polite to offer wine with dinner, but I don't want to be spending a pile of money on wine because people have a few extra glasses, and because I have literally never paid any attention to the wine at weddings other than the polite no thanks when it's offered, I wasn't sure how it worked and if it was normal to offer one glass or if that would seem stingy.

baby and crumble, that sounds lovely. I'm extremely partial to BBQs myself, having spent half my life in Texas. I think a lot of outdoor ideas sound nice but... well, Ireland.

(Oh, and the Good Friday thing won't work I'm afraid. I'm in no way religious and it would be a civil ceremony. I think people would be suspicious if it was a civil ceremony and then no alcohol because it's Good Friday

-- Though, I do wonder if it's even legal to sell alcohol at a wedding on GF anyway.)

I don't know, I'm off to have a think about whether this can be done and what I feel comfortable with. I don't want people to feel they're at a school disco, I want people to have a reasonably good time. I just can't deal with people who are drinking (and, for the record, it's not about the "few eejits" who ruin it for everyone. I'm genuinely made extremely uncomfortable by anyone who's had enough for me to see a slight difference in their behavior. I know some may not understand that, but my purpose in this thread wasn't to discuss my personal views.) Just would like to try for an alcohol-free wedding and trying to gauge if it can be done. Cheers.

Ms2011 · 26-08-2013 08:31PM

OP if a non alcoholic wedding is what you want then go for it.
If people are genuinely there to celebrate your day they will do it with or without a drink in their hand.
I'd just make sure there was top notch food & plenty of it & something good to keep people entertained.
You only get married once (hopefully) no point looking back with regrets ;-)

April O Neill · 26-08-2013 08:55PM

clint_silver wrote: »

In my experience (and Ive seen these tried to be done) they do not work.

Social gatherings are not the place to get people to do nothing but stare at a screen for 2 hours of a movie of your choice.

You seem very resistant to anything that strays from the bog standard Irish wedding.

Non-Alcoholic Wedding?

Comments