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Alcoholic Boyfriend. Tough Love or Supportive Girlfriend?

  • 24-08-2013 03:59AM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭


    This is a rushed post because I am going to bed and this is the only chance today I have got to write it.

    I'm with my boyfriend 9 and a half years. He is a binge alcoholic. He used to have his own place and would drink either a 70cl bottle of vodka or sometimes a litre bottle of vodka every single day. We were near breaking up but then after a death in my immediate family he moved in with me. He completely stopped the daily drinking for a few months, then he would only just drink a few at big social events and not even every week. Would go maybe a couple of months at a time with no drink. I thought he had finally seen the light. I was wrong.
    It is almost a couple of years now since he moved in and his drinking is on the way back to being as bad as ever. He has been falling over drunk for 15 of the last 30 days. He is drunk again right now. I have started to become frightened of him when drunk now, he just seems to have completely changed as a person when drunk. He also spends about 25 a day on weed so is also addicted to that. He doesn't work.
    He does majority of cleaning at home but pays absolutely nothing towards rent, esb, internet, tv and only a tiny bit on food. All his money goes on weed and drink.

    Basically I realise now I am enabling this behaviour by letting him get away with it for so long. I have being reading about codependency. I am definitely an enabler. Now I want him out of my house as I can't enjoy my own home when he is living here. My heart is always in my throat when he is on one of his binges, I feel tightness in my chest and just wound up so tightly like a spring so anxious about when he is going to show up drunk and aggressive (not physically) or else headwreckingly annoying. I am just a ball of anxiety, and keep getting chest pains and crying uncontrollably when he is gone. I can't go away anywhere with friends or family for the day for fear of the unknown of what I will return home to. I am so unhappy, I feel like I am mourning the death of the man I love because when he is at this constant drinking I don't recognise him. In fact I HATE this person he becomes.

    I want to help him. I know he needs to want to help himself. I believe he knows he is an alcoholic. I've seen him cry about it (although he was drunk at the time), a friend of ours went to a treatment centre and he mentioned to me (when sober) that he just wouldn't be able to do all that talking about his feelings and stuff that counselling entails. I think it is a cop out.
    He seems to have been under the illusion that he could control himself to just 1 binge drinking day a month but I have monitored and kept record of his drinking days and he is getting progressively worse.

    What is the best way to help him?

    If I kick him out it will be the end of our relationship, and I know that he will actually kill himself very quickly with his addictions if I am not there to at least try and guide him. At least when he's living with me he is usually sober more often than drunk (the last month has just been particularly bad for some reason). All of his friends are wasters and addicts themselves, he would have no problem getting sucked down with them and becoming infinitely worse if just left with them or on his own. I seem to be the only guidance he has in his life. His family are either not living here or else drink/smoke weed a hell of a lot themselves so they are of no help whatsoever. In fact I must admit I lay some of the blame with his parents for the way he turned out. He was basically abandoned when younger by parents who should have been putting their effort into raising him but instead were more interested in their own happiness and what was happening in their own selfish lives. He basically got kicked to the kerb and left to fend for himself. He has never once complained about this to me, but I firmly believe it was the start of his problems and must have left him with insecurity or abandonment feelings as an adult. I don't ever EVER want him to feel that I have also abandoned him too.

    If I just suggest he gets his own place to rent (he can get rent allowance), and then just don't help him anymore regarding paying bills and things will he realise quicker that he needs help? But not actually end the relationship, just say I want to live apart. I don't want to abandon him or to throw such a long relationship away. Despite everything, the sober version of him is the man I love with all my heart and soul. He is so intelligent, and gentle, caring and funny and loving when sober. We have an incredible closeness, I don't think I could ever have this closeness with any other person. If he rents his own place, I would not pay his bills but let him know that I am always there for him to support him when he finally wants to seek treatment for his addiction and that I still love him and always will.

    What is the best option to take?
    The extreme tough love of just dumping him and cutting him out of my life just seems like it will not solve anything. I know some people advocate it so that the addict will reach rock bottom and stuff, but I know my boyfriend and what he would be like if left to his own devices with addict friends. His rock bottom would be death and I don't think I would ever get over the grief or ever forgive myself either.

    If I separate us to the point where I can finally be safe and happy in my own home, and he has to start paying for his own stuff, and he knows I am there to support him when he wants help and still love him, might this work or will it fail miserably for not being tough enough.

    Tough or supportive, what works?
    Can people with similar experiences please tell me what worked for them?


Comments

  • #2
    camphor
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 202 ✭✭camphor


    A person in that situation will only seek help when they admit to themselves they have a problem. He will only do that when you make him see he has a problem. "Being supportive" are only weasel words for letting him continue.
    Addicts will always use phrases like "I can take it or leave it" and will prove it by "leaving it" for a short while. Reading you post it seems to me that you know you should give him a choice "drink and drugs or me".
    You are unwilling to do so because you know he might well take the drink and drugs.
    If he does, it is not your fault and you cannot be responsible for anything that happens. If you support him in continuing he is likely to meet the same end but he will have caused you immense hardship into the bargain.
    For your own sake you have to stop putting up with him.


  • #3
    jdsk2006
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 204 ✭✭jdsk2006


    Omg op what a horrible situation your in. I can honestly bet that the odds are stacked against you here tho and this is gone beyond your help. He needs professional help. You have given me two options to choose from but you clearly want to support him, imo the only way you should consider supporting him is if he goes the full hog for treatment.

    He is a lucky man to have a woman that loves and cares for him so much


  • #4
    Duckjob
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,857 ✭✭✭Duckjob


    As above.

    You are not responsible for his actions, HE IS.
    You are not responsible for his actions, HE IS.
    You are not responsible for his actions, HE IS.

    I say this because (and I have direct experience of this), apart from the more obvious aggressive and annoying behaviour that is normally part and parcel of the situation, alcoholism really does bring out the worst side of otherwise good people.

    Trying to make friends and family feel responsible for "not supporting" them, is just one of the toolbox of manipulation tricks that alcoholics develop to enable their own sickness.

    The "tough love" approach (ie dumping him) will not help him. However, it will certainly help you because, cold as it may sound, distancing yourself from the situation is the only way to protect and look after your own mental health and sanity. I've seen and felt firsthand the effect being close to an alcoholic, trying to support and getting sucked into the manipulation tactics can have on those around them.


  • #5
    December2012
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/

    OP please contact Al Anon. You might get real help there while you decide what to do.


  • #6
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,263 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    You need to change the way you are looking at this. You see this as YOUR problem to fix, and you are trying to figure out the best solution.

    That is never going to work, because HE is the problem, so HE is the one who should be trying to sort this out.

    You are not his minder, and you are not responsible for him.

    He is an alcoholic. That means he has a dependency on alcohol. Sure, he can give it up (for a little while) but once he goes back to 1 or 2 drinks at a social occassion, it is only a matter of time before he is back drinking a bottle of vodka everyday... He can't control it.... So YOU definitely can't control it.

    Instead of you taking control of it and trying to make the decisions, you need to hand the power to him... And mean it.

    Tell him it is HIS choice. He chooses to drink, or he chooses your relationship. If he wants you and your relationship then he has to admit to himself that he cannot drink... ever. He can't even have a few at a wedding, because he can't contain himself to just that.

    So this is where he makes his decision. It would be great if he went to AA, he doesn't have to talk there if he doesn't want to, but he might feel it's not for him..He MIGHT be able to do it without AA, but the choice has to be his, and you have to be definite about that. If he drinks.. he has chosen drink over your relationship, and that is when you ask him to leave. Make sure he knows this.

    That takes the responsibility away from you for ending the relationship, because he will be the one who ends it, if he chooses to drink.

    I get the impression you are quite young, with an awful lot of your life still ahead of you? What are your plans/hopes for the future? Would you like kids? Live somewhere different? Get married? Go away on a nice holiday? How do you see your life panning out? What would you like for yourself in the next 5 years? 10 years? 30 years?

    And if he stays the same, how do you see all that panning out? How long are you prepared to give him to sort himself out? Or how many second chances are you willing to allow him?

    I understand you love him... But you deserve to live a life free from that constant knot in your stomach. And if he truly loves you, he should be doing absolutely everything in his power to make sure you don't have to live like that.

    I definitely think Al-Anon would be hugely beneficial to you. For a start it will show you you are not unique in your predicament, and it will also show you that you have no control over his choices.

    I think Al-Anon works on the 3 C's.

    I didn't cause it.
    I can't cure it.
    I can't control it.

    This is not YOUR problem, you can't "mind" him, and hope he gets better. You have no power over it. He is the only one in control (or not) of it. So you need to hand the responsibility back to him... And then let HIM decide which path he wants to take.

    It's out of your hands.


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  • #7
    Duckjob
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,857 ✭✭✭Duckjob


    jdsk2006 wrote: »
    Omg op what a horrible situation your in. I can honestly bet that the odds are stacked against you here tho and this is gone beyond your help. He needs professional help. You have given me two options to choose from but you clearly want to support him, imo the only way you should consider supporting him is if he goes the full hog for treatment.

    He is a lucky man to have a woman that loves and cares for him so much


    Only problem with this is that an alcoholic will continually trick and deceive those around them into "supporting" them by promises of change, promises of stopping drinking, promises of getting help etc. Anything really that help maintain the status quo, and then they will break promise after promise. Even if they they do start going to treatment, they will lapse and go back to their comfortable ways as soon as the pressure is off.

    Sadly, the only real support a loved one can give to an alcoholic is to remove any sort of enabling support and distance themselves from the situation is much as possible.

    Alcoholism is like an over-possessive controlling friend that drives away other real friends. Until the OPs partner understands this stark reality, there really is no hope of change.


  • #8
    Esoteric_
    Closed Accounts Posts: 11,255 ✭✭✭✭Esoteric_


    OP, he won't die if you end the relationship, which you mentioned is a worry of his.

    I was in a long term relationship with an alcoholic, and eventually I left because of the drinking. That was 5 years ago, and although I don't have contact with him, I've heard through mutual friends that he's still drinking every day, still spending his rent money on drink, still causing fights when he's drunk, all the same as when I left him. He's not dead.

    Please contact al-anon, as somebody suggested.

    You've tried supporting him, but all you're doing is enabling him. If you give him an ultimatum, he might change for a few weeks or even months, but until HE chooses to seek help, it wont work. Seeking help for the sake of saving your relationship won't work. He needs to want the help for himself, and for no other reason.

    I convinced my ex to go to AA and to go to counselling. He went to 2 AA meetings. Turns out he never actually went to the counselling. He had broken his phone at the time, and used my phone number for the counsellor, and I received an automated text to say that he'd missed his appointment.

    His reasons for not seeking help, before I arranged the counselling, were that he couldn't find a counsellor that he could afford. So I arranged it and gave him the money for it. He spent the money on drink, and never went.

    There will always be an excuse, there will always be lies and he will always break your trust. Until he admits that he has a problem and decides by himself, with no coaxing from you, to seek help, this will never change.

    I know you love him, but do you really? Should love make you feel this miserable? You've been with him for a long time, but you still have plenty of years left to find somebody who makes you happy. Love shouldn't hurt as much as it's hurting you right now.

    You cannot fix him.

    You will never be able to take away his addiction. You will never be able to make him better. You come second to alcohol.

    His addiction is already impacting severely on your own emotional and mental wellbeing. Do you really think it's a good idea to continue a relationship with him, when you could end up having a breakdown and destroying yourself?

    What is so good about this man, that you're willing to put up with it? My guess is that there's not enough good about him to balance out the bad, but you're dependent on him and know no other way of life at the moment. But that can change.

    You said he gets verbally aggressive when he's drunk. Why do you accept that? You don't deserve that, and that should have been your warning sign to leave.

    Please speak to Al-Anon, and stop trying to convince yourself that he can change. He MIGHT be able to change, but not with you there to enable, placate and comfort him.


  • #9
    dellas1979
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    When we love someone with a problem, and want to help them, sometimes we confuse whats the best thing for ourselves and whats the best thing for him.

    Because you dont want to feel guilty/deal with consequences and pain of cutting him off (at least for now), you are choosing what you think is the best thing for you (supporting him). But thats not actually the best thing for him hon.

    I think you need to finally realise you cant help him and realise whats best for him.

    Youre after putting yourself in the role of carer/enabler of an alcoholic. And you cannot control it. Sorting out an apartment etc is a form of you still trying to control/fix the situation.

    If something happens him, its not your fault. Youve done all that you can to help him. And now, if he wants to get better, its him that needs to help himself.

    I really think talking to someone (either a councellor or someone in al anon) in the next few days/weeks to give you the support/strength to stop yourself is a good step forward.


  • #10
    daisybelle2008
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,403 ✭✭✭daisybelle2008


    Help.me.please. wrote: »

    Basically I realise now I am enabling this behaviour by letting him get away with it for so long.

    Tough or supportive, what works?
    Can people with similar experiences please tell me what worked for them?

    OP you dont have to worry about 'what works' or manipulate a strategy that results in the outcome you believe is best for him. None of this is your job.
    You are taking far too much responsibility.

    Dellas1979 is right, you need to stop trying to control/'fix' the situation and him.
    Your fear of guilt if something happens is totally misplaced. He is responsible for his own journey. And if he wants to drink and smoke more than he wants to behave like your 'ideal' boyfriend, you have to let him off. You can't fix what doesn't want fixing. And it is not your business to. He is entitled to make that choice, and life would be easier for you if you accepted it.

    Al-anon will really help you make sense of things.


  • #11
    LostinKildare
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 994 ✭✭✭LostinKildare


    OP, it hurt to read your post. I was in a very similar situation years ago, married to an alcoholic, and all I felt then came rushing back. This:
    Help.me.please. wrote: »
    I can't enjoy my own home when he is living here. My heart is always in my throat when he is on one of his binges, I feel tightness in my chest and just wound up so tightly like a spring so anxious about when he is going to show up drunk and aggressive (not physically) or else headwreckingly annoying. I am just a ball of anxiety, and keep getting chest pains and crying uncontrollably when he is gone. I can't go away anywhere with friends or family for the day for fear of the unknown of what I will return home to.

    and this:
    Help.me.please. wrote: »
    I have started to become frightened of him

    When you ask how you can help him, you are asking the wrong question. You cannot save him, you're not that powerful. Only he can do that, and probably only with the help of professionals.

    Your question should be, how can you help yourself? We're all ultimately responsible for our own lives. He's let his life go off the rails, yes, but so have you neglected your own life -- you're a nervous wreck, constantly living in fear. What do you want for yourself? Do you want to be happy, relaxed, content? Do you want stability and a peaceful home? Do you want to have a family, children someday?

    When I look back on my relationship with my alcoholic husband, I picture a man drowning, and I jump in to save him, and he's pulling me under, too.

    You're frightened that he will drown if you let him go, but he's drowning whether you're there or not. Don't sacrifice yourself; it's unnecessary and unhelpful, too -- he won't seek the help he needs as long as you're trying to hold him up. If you put him out of the house, he might sort himself out -- or he might not, but that is way, way beyond your control. What is in your control is your own actions. Look after yourself.


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  • #12
    Mayboy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 113 ✭✭Mayboy


    Hi,

    You are enabling him but you recognise that. He should move out and be out of your life - whether he kills himself, continues to use, gets rent allowance etc - thats not your responsibility. As long as it is your responsibility you continue to enable.

    You have to say enough - and rebuild your life - my guess is that after you do that you'll find that you don't want him in your life at all - not even to support him. You've done loads of work and understand this - but sadly you are now going to have to take the final step.
    Were you born to waste your one, precious wonderful life on keeping someone addicted and all the fear that entails?

    Best of luck.


  • #13
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    Duckjob wrote: »
    Sadly, the only real support a loved one can give to an alcoholic is to remove any sort of enabling support and distance themselves from the situation is much as possible.

    ^^This.

    All the advice has already really been given. You dont have the responsibility for the life of another adult and to think they will die if you are not there supporting is really just belittling that person. Although I understand how you think this. The truth is, he wont die because you are not holding his hand, although he might die because he is an alcoholic. They are two seperate things. He is killing himself slowly anyway, and destroying you in the process. You cant fix that. Only he can.

    Do yourself a favour and tell him that unless he quits the booze and becomes a responsible adult, there is no relationship. Draw a line in the sand. He either steps up and sorts himself out, or goodbye. Its the only way.

    My father never stopped. He died, yellow, brain damaged, screaming, angry, full of health problems he had ignored in favour of booze (colon cancer being one), having destroyed the lives of numerous people around him and leaving behind a legacy of mentally unhealthy dysfunctional children who still battle with the issues of what they grew up with. A doctor phoned me on one of his many hospital admittances for alcoholic poisoning and asked me what age he was, that the best estimate he could make was late 70s, he was 54 years of age at the time. His alcoholism turned him into a more and more angry, bullying, aggressive, horrible person over time too. The tighter the grip the addiction has on someone, the more they will escalate to bullying behaviour in order to protect the addiction.

    You dont matter to your partner right now, only booze does. If it came right down to it, he would sell you out for more booze, then cry in his cups that he was such a bad person, and feel so bad that he would just have to drink more to numb it.

    You need to look at yourself and figure out why you behave the way you do, why you enable this behaviour, why you want to stay with someone who is basically on a self destruct mission. Why do you not want better for yourself?

    You need to go to Alanon and figure out how to look after yourself.


  • #14
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi OP,

    I've never dealt with an alcoholic, but I just wanted to share a little story with you, in regards supporting someone.

    I was the type of person to give a person in need the shirt off my back and go shirtless myself, partly because I cared, partly because I wanted to fix their lives, and partly because I was afraid of the consequences for them, in their lives, and they might fall out with me/think I didnt care. But doing all this caring about other people's problems really ground me down. Who was looking after me? Certainly not the ones I was caring about.

    Till I realised, though councelling, the person I need to care about first is myself. The only person's life I need to fix is my own. I cant proverbially go around shirtless for other people, and have none on myself.

    Recently, I've a friend I love dearly, but who had no money. I look after my money. I work hard. They know am richer (in monetary terms). They approached me for some money. Before I would have jumped in straight away offering/organising/fixing...but I took a step back and thought about it. If I give them the money, they wont learn how to get by themselves. If I dont give them the money, they might fall out with me.

    I told them this straight out I wasnt going to do it. It was my choice. Theyve since drove themselves to get a job and are doing great. And we are still friends. Its a chance I had to take, that it would, with their own hard work, work out for them. And I respect myself more for doing this. I still help people, if I see they are helping themselves. But no more will I be "mrs support system 101, Ill sort out all your problems". It just utterly exhausting.


  • #15
    MaroonAndGreen
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,249 ✭✭✭MaroonAndGreen


    I have said it on other threads and ill say it again, Al-Anon are a group that seem to incite hatred towards the alcoholic, would seriously recommend not visiting Al-Anon, went to 4 different Al-Anon meetings and was disgusted with them all


  • #16
    moochers
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 163 ✭✭moochers


    Hey Op,
    I too agree with above posts, you need to cut all ties and he needs to fend for himself. You are his crutch and he knows it. Living with an alcoholic is detrimental to your health and well being. You are powerless over his choices and cannot change him.

    As the other posts stated, alcoholics are master manipulators and are very adept at making their loved ones feel guilty. It's a horrible addiction and they will always put it before their loved ones. Please get out of the relationship now, it is obvious by your post that he has no intention of giving up. Plus he has a dual addiction which only makes your situation even more unbearable. Do not let him guilt trip you into staying, do not marry him and do not have children with him. Cut all ties now, he is not your responsibility.

    You sound like a wonderful, caring person and you deserve so much more in life. Good luck and please try AL Anon.


  • #17
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    MaroonAndGreen,

    If you have no constructive advice to offer the OP which might help them with their issue, kindly refrain from posting.

    This is an advice forum - not a public platform from which to advertise your dissatisfaction with any organisation.

    If you haven’t done so already, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

    Many thanks.

    As per site policy, if you have an issue with any moderator instruction or request please contact a relevant moderator via PM - DO NOT drag the thread further off-topic by responding on-thread


  • #18
    MaroonAndGreen
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,249 ✭✭✭MaroonAndGreen


    Im sorry but I need to post this, the opposite side of the coin.

    I would advise against Alanon.

    I have been to meetings in different places, and my family members have been to Alanon. And my experience of it was negative.

    It was great to get to speak about things with others, but the environment I found was often not aimed at helping people with alcohol difficulties, but complaining about them... ie ''my husband came home drunk and did x,y and z.. cant believe he would do that, fcuk sake'' and getting the sympathy replies ''oh thats awful how are you putting up with that'' etc. and there were even occasions where wives were being told to leave their homes by other members of Alanon, and even spending evenings putting plans for this in place, where all they had to go on was the wives words in Alanon.

    I noticed that the most thing Alanon seemed to do was incite almost hatred in alot of people. It was unfair the amount of abuse and hatred there was put towards family members etc who had drinking problems, without the person being able to defend themselves. It seemed that there wasnt advice given on how to help a loved one stop their drinking, but that Alanon was there to give people sympathy over the ''injustice'' they were suffering at home by living with an alcoholic.

    I soon grew sickened by this atmosphere and stopped attending the meetings.

    And before you say that it must have been one bad apple among a lot of good ones, I had the same experience in 5 or 6 different meetings with Alanon.

    I would also say that many things that were said in meetings were not kept confidential and I have heard stories told in meetings repeated again outside of the meetings.

    Im ready for the probable criticism il get here from members of Alanon, but that was my experience.

    There are 2 sides to everything OP.

    I hope you sort out your troubles, I know its not easy.


  • #19
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    MaroonAndGreen warned for ignoring a clear mod warning.

    You have made your point, please don't post in this thread again.


  • #20
    moochers
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 163 ✭✭moochers


    Maroon and Green,
    I understand that your experiences of Al Anon were not good.

    But the OP is in a terrible dysfunctional relationship and is crumbling under the pressure. She does not deserve this and she needs help and support asap. Living with an alcoholic is a horrendous experience and a very isolating one at that with no one to turn to. Organizations like Al Anon can help because it is a support group where members can vent and express their feelings with out feeling judged. The hatred is often not directed at the alcoholic, but at the addiction. Yes, in some cases it may be directed at the individual but this may be deserved, particularly if you are a child of an alcoholic.
    The OP needs to talk to others in a similar situation, she needs to know what the future may hold if she stays.


  • #21
    daisybelle2008
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,403 ✭✭✭daisybelle2008


    MaroonAndGreen wrote: »

    It seemed that there wasnt advice given on how to help a loved one stop their drinking

    .

    The purpose of Alanon is not to give advise on how to stop someone drinking. If that was your expectation, you totally misunderstand the organisation and its purpose. Your negative experience seems to be attached with your unreasonable expectation. The whole point is that you work on yourself and not controlling the alcoholics drinking.


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  • #22
    Daisy78
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,062 ✭✭✭Daisy78


    Op

    I had to reply to your post because five years ago I was in the exact same position as you are now. Living with an alcoholic (who was also bipolar) and who made the same promises over the years that your partner made to you. "Il cut down", "il only drink on Fridays and saturdays" and mostly "you are over reacting". When his drinking and bad behaviour had reached its zenith it was like a switch had flicked inside of me....with me there to support him (and I mean emotionally not even financially) he would NEVER take the necessary steps to get help. I remember googling the words alcoholism and relationships and the word enabler popped up all over the place. Why would he stop drinking when he has you at his beck and call every day? The fact is this; you have a choice, he either agrees to undergo full drying out treatment in an approved psychiatric facility or you end the relationship completely.....and by that I mean completely not just financially. If this doesn't happen I guarantee that you will be the victim in all of this as your mental health will deteriorate as a result. It could make things worse for him but that is not your concern now. All of the support you have offered has been thrown back in your face. I can't say for sure that my ex has stopped drinking but really that's not my concern anymore. Best of luck with your decision, I've been there and I understand what you are going through.:(


  • #23
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Folks,

    As MaroonAndGreen has been asked not to post in this thread again and thus cannot respond/defend themselves, could posters please stop directing posts towards them.

    Cheers.


  • #24
    shinesun
    Closed Accounts Posts: 334 ✭✭shinesun


    Hi OP,

    I could not read and not respond. Like so many others here, one of my exes is also an alcoholic. He attends AA reg to this day. Fortunately he recognised he had a problem and went himself without me having to suggest it. It was too late for me though.

    The thing is your boyfriend really does have to admit it himself and if you suggest he goes, that won't work at all. He has to want to go for himself.You have to think about it do you want to spend another 9.5 years with him hoping things will get better. Could you just forget everything.

    I am friends with my ex and there is no enmity there but if it was not for AA, he most definitely would be drinking to this day.

    You should not have to be worrying/anxious about your boyfriend. It is definitely not healthy for a relationship.I don't how long this has been going on but I have a funny feeling it has only gotten worse and will continue to do so.

    Also of course you will feel closeness to someone else too in time. There are plenty of decent blokes out there.

    Best of luck in whatever you decide. You are not on your own.


  • #25
    ABajaninCork
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,411 ✭✭✭ABajaninCork


    MaroonAndGreen wrote: »
    I have said it on other threads and ill say it again, Al-Anon are a group that seem to incite hatred towards the alcoholic, would seriously recommend not visiting Al-Anon, went to 4 different Al-Anon meetings and was disgusted with them all

    This is an interesting comment. Why do you say that? And how does it help the OP?


  • #26
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    All further attempts to pull this thread off topic thus stopping the OP from getting useful advice will result in bans from this point onwards.

    ABajaninCork - you received the yellow for ignoring the clear advice of Ickle Magoo.

    Thanks
    Taltos


  • #27
    dar100
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,735 ✭✭✭dar100


    OP, you are going through a really ruff time in your life. It is easy for individuals on this forum to give you advoice of just leave him. I know it can't be a easy decision for you to make, as it sounds like you have a lot of emotions invested in this relationship.

    But you ARE NOT responsible for your boyfriends drinking, and as such you are not responsible for stopping it, which you can't do even if you were.

    Seeking help for yourself is all you can do and also all you are responsible for.

    There is lots of support out there for someone in your position, Al Anon is but one support.This may not be everyone's cup of tea and if you don't like support based on the 12 steps, you can seek support through counselling etc.

    Your boyfriend will not stop drinking until the payoff becomes non-existent, or the pain of it becomes to much. Usually, both occur around the same time.

    At the moment, you are acting as a buffer, between your boyfriends drinking and the consequences of this behaviour. Although you may see this as been supportive, it is actually the opposite and will prolong his drinking behaviour. As long as you continue to pay the bills, he will have money to spend on his drugs of choice.

    I know this is a really hard decision for you to make, and in some way it is the same as your boyfriends decision to give up drinking, i.e you both can't let go of your respective relationships until the pain becomes to much.

    I wish you all the best


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