Being approached in the pub when you don't want to be

Shane732 · 30-07-2013 07:41PM

bluewolf wrote: »

How about ... guys who do this just stop acting like assholes instead of everyone telling women to hide away or go to tables or gay bars or the rest of it
Jaysus

Well it seems to me that you've a situation where guys are approaching women when they are in the pub. Based on this thread this appears to be an issue.

So, how do you go about solving the situation? You can either spend the night telling every lad who comes near you to f*ck off or locate yourself in a more secluded area of the pub, where:

It is more than likely easier to chat to the person you're with, and
You avoid the approaches of men.

I would imagine that spending the night telling every guy to f*ck off would become rather tiresome.

Is it the idea of men approaching you in the pub that wrecks your head or just the idea of a particular guy not giving up? To my mind this is probably a moot point as if I didn't want to be approached I'd be equally pi*sed off regardless of whether 10 different people approached me or 2 people approached me 5 times.

I wasn't telling you to hide away.

In your own words, Jaysus.

Call Me Jimmy · 30-07-2013 08:07PM

I don't have much input but why do any of you care if some guy thinks or says you're stuck up / full of yourself / bitch? Fair enough nobody likes being insulted but assuming the aggressiveness is not off the scales I don't see why it would have any effect on you when it's so obviously the guy with the problem. It's also his pathetic attempt to tip the scales back in his direction after a knock.

I understand the problem here is someone not taking the hint which is basically inexcusable bar genuine ignorance. Maybe instead of being polite for five minutes, just react naturally, maybe looking slightly bewildered and tell him immediately that you are having a private conversation.

Why entertain someone at all just to be polite? It's your life and your time, you don't owe approachees anything.

rainbowtrout · 30-07-2013 08:13PM

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

I don't have much input but why do any of you care if some guy thinks or says you're stuck up / full of yourself / bitch? Fair enough nobody likes being insulted but assuming the aggressiveness is not off the scales I don't see why it would have any effect on you when it's so obviously the guy with the problem. It's also his pathetic attempt to tip the scales back in his direction after a knock.

Because it can spoil the night when you've gone out to have a chat and a few drinks with friends and you get interrupted without asking for it, bearing in mind the experiences outlined here are generally from people who are minding their own business and not trying to catch the eye of every guy that passes and you then get insulted for no good reason. It can put a damper on things especially if it ends up happening a couple of times in one night.

No more than women don't like being groped on a night out but it happens regularly and we do care. The other is verbal and not so intrusive but it is still an invasion of personal space which can be persistent even when its made clear the attention is not wanted.

Call Me Jimmy · 30-07-2013 08:16PM

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Because it can spoil the night when you've gone out to have a chat and a few drinks with friends and you get interrupted without asking for it, bearing in mind the experiences outlined here are generally from people who are minding their own business and not trying to catch the eye of every guy that passes and you then get insulted for no good reason. It can put a damper on things especially if it ends up happening a couple of times in one night.

No more than women don't like being groped on a night out but it happens regularly and we do care. The other is verbal and not so intrusive but it is still an invasion of personal space which can be persistent even when its made clear the attention is not wanted.

Okay in fairness I haven't had it happen to me obviously. I still don't think it should be allowed ruin a night (again assuming the level of aggression is not high).

jaffacakesyum · 30-07-2013 08:29PM

This drives me up the wall. It's very annoying when people don't take the most obvious hints thrown in their face, but even worse are the guys who know full well that they're not wanted yet still persist. It's the height of disrespectfulness.

YellowFeather · 30-07-2013 08:41PM

90% of the time the hints / ignoring a guy will work. Otherwise, telling them that you're not interested / in a relationship may do the trick. (Telling these guys that you're just out to have a chat with your friend is usually pointless.) If none of that works, something I've done is to get chatting to some other lads and just honestly explain to them that you're being hassled by x fella and would they mind if we chatted to them for a while until the oddball goes away. I've never known that one to fail - but be careful not to choose another bunch of weirdos to talk to! :P

It's a pain, and we shouldn't have to go to such lengths, but some people (men and women alike) don't care how much they inconvenience you, in the hope that they might get what they're after.

cmore123 · 30-07-2013 08:42PM

As a male person, I find this interesting... I exceptionally rarely approach women in bars as I am quite shy, but I think I'd be even more wary now! :-)

And as for myself, if I was approached by anyone male or female that I didn't want to talk to, I'd move seats. That's a hint that even the seriously retarded / drunk / both, could hardly ignore....

Macumazan · 30-07-2013 09:20PM

old hippy wrote: »

Tbf, I've been approached by females and males alike when I'm enjoying a relaxing beverage on my own and some of them are charming, whilst others can be annoying. I find if you say you're meeting someone or you smile and take a book out and say, sorry, really have to finish this chapter it can work. That or start talking loudly to yourself

I did have to intervene a while back when this drunken old guy started harrassing a much younger Polish girl in the pub. He several times asked her for a light and she didn't smoke. Then he came back and said "can I sit down with you and chat?" She was looking visibly uncomfortable and said no but he was insistent. I said loudly across the smoking area to him "look, the lady said no. Can you leave her alone now?" He went beacon red and got up to leave mumbling something about being lonely. Tough. We're all lonley at times but that doesn't give one the right to force your company on others.

That's a real shame when men won't take no for an answer. Still if a girl is in a bar you can hardly blame a man for assuming she might be there to try to meet someone special - of course if it turns out she just wants a quiet drink he should respect that noblesse oblige and all that.

Macumazan · 30-07-2013 09:29PM

cmore123 wrote: »

As a male person, I find this interesting... I exceptionally rarely approach women in bars as I am quite shy, but I think I'd be even more wary now! :-)

And as for myself, if I was approached by anyone male or female that I didn't want to talk to, I'd move seats. That's a hint that even the seriously retarded / drunk / both, could hardly ignore....

I feel for you buddy. Part of the problem is that it's so hard to work out if a woman is interested - even if she maintains eye contact, laughs, talks to you is she being flirtatious or making polite conversation?

When we first met my own wife apparently chatted me up for the best part of the evening with me being totally oblivious, then she had to ask me to walk her home as I didn't take the initiative to ask her number - she's a gem but I imagine that kind of behaviour is rare for a woman, even these days.

Jimmy Garlic · 30-07-2013 09:36PM

Some women are annoyed when they get attention. A lot of those same women are also annoyed when they don't get any attention.

30-07-2013 09:38PM

Some guys are apparently annoyed when women get attention too

The_Kew_Tour · 30-07-2013 09:56PM

Question for Ladies who have boyfriends/married.

Do you get approached much even when you have your boyfriend/husband with you?

I have been in long term relationships or just on a date where basically a guy is wanting to score with girl im seeing right in front of me.

Its never bothered me the last few years cause I have gained confidence in myself for a few reasons, but I remember it was a bit of issue with ex I had.

She had big boobs(sorry just being honest) and yes she was attractive, but man she could not go anywhere without being groped. This was time when I was bit younger and confidence not so good. In fairness she never looked for attention she might go dancing with her friend(s) but no sooner had she stepped on dance floor, but boom 5/6 lads looking to boogy.:pac:

pwurple · 30-07-2013 09:59PM

bluewolf wrote: »

How about ... guys who do this just stop acting like assholes instead of everyone telling women to hide away or go to tables or gay bars or the rest of it
Jaysus

I don't think having a bit of simple cop on about whether you are in pick-up bar or not is telling women to hide.

I have gone out plenty of times with a bunch of girls "on the pull" when I was younger, and single. Male attention was forthcoming and welcome enough for the most part (apart from the drunken blithering idiots, but they were easily outwitted). The irish pub is a fairly normal way for girls and guys to meet and hook up, is it not?

I don't go to those same places now, because I am not looking for anyone.

Maybe what Ireland is missing, is more of the cafe-bar type culture from other countries. Where you sit at your table, there is table service rather than a communal bar, and your group keeps mainly to itself.

Macumazan · 30-07-2013 10:02PM

The_Kew_Tour wrote: »

Question for Ladies who have boyfriends/married.

Do you get approached much even when you have your boyfriend/husband with you?

I have been in long term relationships or just on a date where basically a guy is wanting to score with girl im seeing right in front of me.

Its never bothered me the last few years cause I have gained confidence in myself for a few reasons, but I remember it was a bit of issue with ex I had.

She had big boobs(sorry just being honest) and yes she was attractive, but man she could not go anywhere without being groped. This was time when I was bit younger and confidence not so good. In fairness she never looked for attention she might go dancing with her friend(s) but no sooner had she stepped on dance floor, but boom 5/6 lads looking to boogy.:pac:

Good question. My daughter says younger guys still try it when she's with her boyfriend unless he's standing right beside her.

Macumazan · 30-07-2013 10:11PM

Shane732 wrote: »

Well it seems to me that you've a situation where guys are approaching women when they are in the pub. Based on this thread this appears to be an issue.

So, how do you go about solving the situation? You can either spend the night telling every lad who comes near you to f*ck off or locate yourself in a more secluded area of the pub, where:
It is more than likely easier to chat to the person you're with, and

You avoid the approaches of men.

I would imagine that spending the night telling every guy to f*ck off would become rather tiresome.

Is it the idea of men approaching you in the pub that wrecks your head or just the idea of a particular guy not giving up? To my mind this is probably a moot point as if I didn't want to be approached I'd be equally pi*sed off regardless of whether 10 different people approached me or 2 people approached me 5 times.

I wasn't telling you to hide away.

In your own words, Jaysus.

Good point Shane, it's overly persistent creepos who are the problem, not men approaching women in general. After all if they didn't, we probably wouldn't be able to further our species... :-)

Faith · 30-07-2013 10:25PM

Several people are suggesting going to quieter bars/sitting away from the bustle/etc. If people wanted to meet for a very quiet chat, they'd go to a café. Going to a bar indicates that they want to be surrounded by good atmosphere, maybe have a dance or just sit in the smoking area with a cigarette and a drink, and they want to be able to chat to other people when they want to. Saying "go somewhere else" completely misses the point. The venue was chosen for a reason and everyone should be able to enjoy themselves as they want to without being, basically, harassed by unwelcome strangers.

In my case, my friend is single and more than happy to be approached, as long as the guy leaves when he's no longer welcome. It's not the approach, it's the refusing to leave. We have no problem chatting away to strangers whether we're interested in them or not, hence why we're polite to begin with.

It's interesting that it's such a common problem. It makes me wonder are the guys that do it thick or predatory? Do they know they're unwelcome and just not care? Or do they just never get the message? Surely if they do it to one group, they'll do it to another. My feeling from last night is that it's predatory, given we were sitting at a table, and the only access to us involved asking several people to move out of the way. We were targeted, rather than just standing in a convenient place.

Daveysil15 · 30-07-2013 10:41PM

I can see how it would get frustrating for a woman, but from a guys perspective, what alternative does he have if he wants to meet women? Would it be more acceptable to approach women in Tescos or on the street?

It can be difficult to tell if a woman doesn't want to be approached in a bar. Some guys wouldn't even have the balls to approach in the first place.

Morag · 30-07-2013 10:51PM

Not very difficult if she is not looking around the room/pub and making eye contact, then she doesn't' want to be approached.
If she is sitting engaged in conversation with the people she is with then she doesn't want to be approached.
If she doesn't turn to talk to you after you interrupt her then she doesn't want to be approached.
If when you try to talk to her, says she is here with friends then she doesn't want to be approached.

Come on, it's not rocket science.

Shane732 · 30-07-2013 10:59PM

Faith wrote: »

Several people are suggesting going to quieter bars/sitting away from the bustle/etc. If people wanted to meet for a very quiet chat, they'd go to a café. Going to a bar indicates that they want to be surrounded by good atmosphere, maybe have a dance or just sit in the smoking area with a cigarette and a drink, and they want to be able to chat to other people when they want to. Saying "go somewhere else" completely misses the point. The venue was chosen for a reason and everyone should be able to enjoy themselves as they want to without being, basically, harassed by unwelcome strangers.

In my case, my friend is single and more than happy to be approached, as long as the guy leaves when he's no longer welcome. It's not the approach, it's the refusing to leave. We have no problem chatting away to strangers whether we're interested in them or not, hence why we're polite to begin with.

It's interesting that it's such a common problem. It makes me wonder are the guys that do it thick or predatory? Do they know they're unwelcome and just not care? Or do they just never get the message? Surely if they do it to one group, they'll do it to another. My feeling from last night is that it's predatory, given we were sitting at a table, and the only access to us involved asking several people to move out of the way. We were targeted, rather than just standing in a convenient place.

What if the other people don't want to talk to you at that point in time (i.e. when you decided you're ready to talk)? I certainly hope you'd get the hint and not hang around like predatory men.

So absolutely everything is on your terms then?

Your friend is single and wants to be approached yet you're annoyed by people approaching the two of you because you want to have a chat?

I don't approach women in the sense that I'd go out of my way to go over to a table and interfere with a conversation they're having. Generally it's much easier to get talking to someone when they are at the bar or up and about.

As another poster said some women tend to automatically reject a guy on a night out at the first time of asking as they enjoy the chase and seem to think that saying they'll have a drink with someone (or whatever the case may be) straight away is not acceptable.

I must say your post depicts men almost as toys that you can throw away when you don't want to talk to them.

B0jangles · 30-07-2013 11:03PM

Shane732 wrote: »

What if the other people don't want to talk to you at that point in time (i.e. when you decided you're ready to talk)? I certainly hope you'd get the hint and not hang around like predatory men.

So absolutely everything is on your terms then?

Your friend is single and wants to be approached yet you're annoyed by people approaching the two of you because you want to have a chat?

I don't approach women in the sense that I'd go out of my way to go over to a table and interfere with a conversation they're having. Generally it's much easier to get talking to someone when they are at the bar or up and about.

As another poster said some women tend to automatically reject a guy on a night out at the first time of asking as they enjoy the chase and seem to think that saying they'll have a drink with someone (or whatever the case may be) straight away is not acceptable.

I must say your post depicts men almost as toys that you can throw away when you don't want to talk to them.

Why did you highlight the first part of the sentence and not the second?

It's not the approach, it's the refusing to leave. We have no problem chatting away to strangers whether we're interested in them or not, hence why we're polite to begin with.

Daveysil15 · 30-07-2013 11:05PM

Morag wrote: »

Not very difficult if she is not looking around the room/pub and making eye contact, then she doesn't' want to be approached.
If she is sitting engaged in conversation with the people she is with then she doesn't want to be approached.
If she doesn't turn to talk to you after you interrupt her then she doesn't want to be approached.
If when you try to talk to her, says she is here with friends then she doesn't want to be approached.

Come on, it's not rocket science.

So a guy shouldn't approach a girl in a crowded pub unless there is direct eye contact? If that's the case I never would have met anyone.

It's not that straight forward. I've approached women before where there was no eye contact, even sometimes when they were chatting with their friends and still managed to get a phone number or the odd shift. Of course I've had a few rude responses too, but that's just the way it goes.

I think a lot of the time its just the guys been drunken fools or girls just simply don't find them attractive.

iwantmydinner · 30-07-2013 11:06PM

Shane732 wrote: »

What if the other people don't want to talk to you at that point in time (i.e. when you decided you're ready to talk)? I certainly hope you'd get the hint and not hang around like predatory men.

So absolutely everything is on your terms then?

Your friend is single and wants to be approached yet you're annoyed by people approaching the two of you because you want to have a chat?

I don't approach women in the sense that I'd go out of my way to go over to a table and interfere with a conversation they're having. Generally it's much easier to get talking to someone when they are at the bar or up and about.

As another poster said some women tend to automatically reject a guy on a night out at the first time of asking as they enjoy the chase and seem to think that saying they'll have a drink with someone (or whatever the case may be) straight away is not acceptable.

I must say your post depicts men almost as toys that you can throw away when you don't want to talk to them.

Why would her interaction with strangers in public places NOT be on her terms??

As for your last sentence - get a grip on yourself, man. Her post suggested nothing of the sort.

How has this thread gone from one woman asking others in tLL about their experiences of persistent and at times aggressive approaches by men in pubs, to this??

B0jangles · 30-07-2013 11:12PM

iwantmydinner wrote: »

Why would her interaction with strangers in public places NOT be on her terms??

As for your last sentence - get a grip on yourself, man. Her post suggested nothing of the sort.

How has this thread gone from one woman asking others in tLL about their experiences of persistent and at times aggressive approaches by men in pubs, to this??

Because that's how it always goes.

In my experience, pretty much any online public conversation which is about women talking to women about a shared experience of being a woman in Ireland is deemed to be incomplete unless a bunch of guys show up to explain how their experiences didn't really happen as they describe, or they were being oversensitive or they should just get over themselves and be nicer.

iwantmydinner · 30-07-2013 11:14PM

B0jangles wrote: »

Because that's how it always goes.

In my experience, pretty much any online public conversation which is about women talking to women about a shared experience of being a woman in Ireland is deemed to be incomplete unless a bunch of guys show up to explain how their experiences didn't really happen as they describe, or they were being oversensitive or they should just get over themselves and be nicer.

It gets so oooold.

worded · 30-07-2013 11:26PM

Great place to chill in city centrte and no hassle
http://www.tea-garden.eu/gallery.html

Challo · 30-07-2013 11:42PM

I love this thread, thanks for posting Faith.

Was thinking about this issue just last weekend after a similar experience in Ranelagh. I was polite and friendly for about half an hour, the conversation was seriously struggling but the guy wouldn't give up. I actually don't know HOW he was still interested himself. He also went and brought us two rounds of drinks which we warned, and followed through on, not drinking, but he kept going. I didn't want to be rude but eventually he picked up on hints and ASKED straight out if he "was in with any chance". Then when he realized nothing was going to happen, he actually became extremely angry, told me I was a stuck up b1tch and why would I not give him a chance, he's a nice guy and so on,,, :rolleyes:

I was really bothered afterwards - I know he was idiot but that kind of negative interaction still hurts. It did ruin the night and this was two girls going to their local pub on an early-ish Saturday night. And you know what? I was walking home thinking next time that happens, I'm going to be really blunt and tell someone to fcuk off... and the male/female communication mismatch continues! :mad:

Millicent · 30-07-2013 11:58PM

Challo wrote: »

I love this thread, thanks for posting Faith.

Was thinking about this issue just last weekend after a similar experience in Ranelagh. I was polite and friendly for about half an hour, the conversation was seriously struggling but the guy wouldn't give up. I actually don't know HOW he was still interested himself. He also went and brought us two rounds of drinks which we warned, and followed through on, not drinking, but he kept going. I didn't want to be rude but eventually he picked up on hints and ASKED straight out if he "was in with any chance". Then when he realized nothing was going to happen, he actually became extremely angry, told me I was a stuck up b1tch and why would I not give him a chance, he's a nice guy and so on,,, :rolleyes:

Because, duh, women are like slot machines. You put "nice" in and sex comes out. And if we don't like being treated like that, it's us with the problem, right?

RDM_83 again · 31-07-2013 12:46AM

Ok just a question but in relation to the old man style pubs that have been mentioned. I've had a fair few annoying strangers refuse to take the hint about not wanting to chat etc (I'm a guy)) . Its annoying but I am fairly sure it these approaches aren't them hitting on me :eek: .

Now obviously I understand that this happening to me and me being able to laugh it off as a fact of life if I drink in those sort of places doesn't mean that I don;t understand that the dynamics and impacts (and frequency) are different depending on gender.

But perhaps at least some of these approaches should not be considered as being a male female thing rather than a certain proportion of men that are pretty bad at social hints and annoying in general to both genders.
This is post is only relation to old man pubs though!

Morag · 31-07-2013 12:54AM

worded wrote: »

Great place to chill in city centrte and no hassle
http://www.tea-garden.eu/gallery.html

Nice place but not some where to go if you want a glass or two of wine or a few drinks.

Pug160 · 31-07-2013 02:06AM

I sympathise with girls to a certain extent here but if you know there's a good chance that you'll be getting unwanted attention, then why do you keep choosing a bar as a venue? Or certain bars in particular? Bars are not the only places with a lively atmosphere, there are some nice restaurants with a relaxed setting where you could eat and have a drink while catching up. It's a compromise but that's life. We all have to make compromises from time to time. You actually have one thing in common with those drunken men: you're doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Weigh up your priorities.

As for how to turn down a drunken and/or pigheaded man? It's entirely up to yourself. IMO the best way is to turn him down without hurting his ego. I can understand why some women might get fed up with that tactic when they encounter real idiots though.

Being approached in the pub when you don't want to be

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