Ive a lot problems i dont know where to start. Depression virginity loneliness at 21

newaccount987 · 21-07-2013 07:16AM #1

Hi im not sure how I should start this thread.. but I guess stating that I feel depressed would be a start

Im 21 and a half and unfortunately im still a virgin which gets me down a lot.. I find its having a destructive negative painful influence on my life..

Its just that I find each year as I get older the effects are having a more negative impact on my life.. as each year passes it gets and worse and worse and worse ...to the point where right now

21 and a half:
ive lost all of my friends..
I hardly get a text or call off anyone
im rapidy losing confidence (not that I ever was cocky or over confident to begin with)..
I get no luck on dating sites
im gaining weight by the stone..
I lost interest in playing football and keeping fit..
I feel im losing interest in my education..
I don't socialise anymore last time I had a decent night out was about 4 or 5 months ago..
ive lost interest and have lost faith in women.. as they have seemed to lose interest in me
Ive considered forcing myself to have sex with a man even though I don't want to and I don't find men attractive
I feel im getting addicted to porn or I might be addicted already.. a few times everyday now.. and I mean everyday

god I hate myself

compared to 16/17/18:
Loads of mates.. wasn't left alone I had so many
Wasn't the most confident man ever.. but could comfortably get talking to women make them laugh have a flirt etc
Was getting my fair share of luck on dating sites
8-9 stone.. currently 12
Played football at least a few times a week
I had such high hopes for myself with a career that pays very well..
I used to go out and have a few drinks and have fun every weekend and loved it
I used to be meeting/kissing girls left right and centre and I loved it..
I never thought about doing anything with a man up until recently
I did watch porn then as well but once or twice a week.. not everyday like the way I am now

I have a feeling that most people that see this will think ah sure for gods sake your only 21 you're still young and have plenty of years ahead to lose your virginity and have loads of sex.. I don't want to be hear the "you're still young thing" right now !! from anyone... Its just not what I need to hear right now it'll depress me.. When everyday you think and day dream about having sex and being in a relationship with a lovely woman who would love meback the you're only 21 still young point has a negative effect on me ..
Yes I know im 21 and still young I don't have to be told it !!! I guess my point here is I don't want to wait any longer its killing me... I don't want to wait until 22 23 24 30s 40s

Also going to a prostitute is not an option for me.. im not looking for that kind of sex.. even though I feel like sh*** I rate myself just a little bit higher than having sex with prostitute..

Also again I don't feel that I should feel "proud".. I find people would say "its well for you being a virgin at 21 not many people are like that these days" ....... this sympathetic attitude that I get from all women makes me feel soooo much worse

!!
because it makes me out to be an outcast... it singles me out.. and therefore depresses me even further.. and I find it throws or puts women off me as im inexperienced and I would be therefore would be sh** in bed.. as many women have told me before in my teens.. it makes complete sense the more practise you get at something the better you get at it.. practise makes perfect ??

So with myself being a virgin at 21 and thousands and thousands of men who aren't Im already years and years behind.. does that make sense and is it understandable or am I completely wrong to be feeling and thinking like this ????

Why am I so lonely

Id give anything to have a lovely amazing funny thoughtful girlfriend cuddling me at night..
Id love to be loved for once

Lorna123 · 21-07-2013 08:40AM

What did you do differently when you were 16/17/18 to have lots of fun? You went out with your friends. Okay they were probably school friends and now that you are left school they have all gone their separate ways. That happens. So look at yourself now. What do you need to do differently? First of all you need to eat healthily as this can have an effect on your mood. If you are eating rubbish you will feel like rubbish. Then you need to exercise, get out in the fresh air, go for a long walk and feel invigorated. Count your blessings, you have a roof over your head, you have no diseases and you have it in your power to change your life. Forget about the porn, that is doing nothing to help you only pushing you further into the gutter. There may be thousands of men at 21 who are experienced sexually but there are more who are not, who are virgins, and there is nothing wrong with that. You need to list out what you have going for you instead of dwelling on what you haven't got. The only reason you don't have a social life now is because you are not prepared to put the effort into getting one.

Try meetup.com and don't give up after the first meeting. It takes time and effort to achieve anything. You put up this post so it shows that you are now prepared to do something about your life in order to change it. That's a good start. Look at one of your so called successful mates and ask yourself what he is doing differently to what you are doing and try and take example from him. You will probably notice that he is getting out and mixing and filling his head with bright ideas of things to do rather than sitting at home looking at porn. That is a lazy man's hobby You need to get out of this rut you are in and take the first step towards a better future. Nothing will be handed to you, you have to the ground work yourself. Join as many clubs as you can, even if you don't want to. We often have to make ourselves do things in order to kick start our lives again. The way to start is "just do it".

Zen65 · 21-07-2013 09:27AM

newaccount987 wrote: »

Id give anything to have a lovely amazing funny thoughtful girlfriend cuddling me at night..
Id love to be loved for once

Anything?

Would you consider perhaps trying to make yourself more interesting? Eat healthily, exercise, and maybe read something that is not porn. How about developing a real hobby, something that would make you interesting to talk to?

I don't see any of that determination in your post. I see some guy who at 21 (and yes, that is very young, and it's an age where guys lie about not being virgins) is wondering why his friends don't call him anymore, as he sits around piling on weight (but honestly 12 stone is not very heavy if you're over 5' 6") and looking at porn. What I see in your post is somebody waiting for life to come to him with solutions and offer a wonderful path forward; friends, a girlfriend, lots of chatting, partying and flirting like a young teenager. . . .

You're not a teenager anymore. You're at that stage in life where you get to define your own character, and create a lifestyle that will determine your future happiness.

It seems to me from your post that a lot of your unhappiness stems from your misuse of porn. At 21, spending a lot of time every day looking at it is reducing your options and stunting your development as a person. That "lovely amazing funny thoughtful girlfriend" does not want a guy who spends hours every day watching porn. If you want her, you have to change your ways, not hers.

I don't mean this to sound cruel or harsh, but your post seems to be full of self-indulgence and a complete lack of awareness as to how you can change what's happening to you. Switch off the PC, get out and live a little.

Be at peace,

Z

Esoteric_ · 21-07-2013 10:11AM

I know you say you'd give anything for a nice girlfriend, but tbh with you, at the moment, you're not fit for a relationship. A girl of that age isn't going to want to date a guy who spends his time eating and watching porn, to be blunt.

If all you do is sit inside and do basically nothing, you're not going to meet a nice girl, and if you do, it probably won't last with the way you're carrying on.

That said, I don't blame you for how you feel or what you're doing. It sounds like you're stuck in a horrible rut, for whatever reason. The huge lack of motivation to even leave your house stuck out to me a lot. Why don't you want to go out anymore? Do you want to, but have nobody to do it with, or is it that you don't want to? If you do want to, try a site like meetup.com, you might make some new friends.

I'm not going to lie and say I was still a virgin at 21, because I wasn't. However, it's not the be all and end all, and having sex or getting a girlfriend is not going to magically change your life.

Watching porn a few times a day can't be healthy, tbh. Have you considered switching the laptop off for a few days, and going outside and doing other things, even going for a long walk?

I'd urge you to get back into exercising, even if it's just going running/jogging by yourself. 12 stone isn't a lot of weight for a guy, unless you're 5'4 or something, but the endorphins you'll get from exercise will boost your mood, and you'll start to look and feel a bit better. It might help improve your confidence too, if you take steps to get back to the way you used to be.

On top of all of that, I'd suggest seeing a doctor. I'm not going to make any online diagnosis, but all of the things you say could be an indicator that maybe you need a little bit of help from a medical professional, or a counsellor, until you're back on your feet and motivated to get out and enjoy life again.

I wish you all the best, OP, but really, this isn't just about you being a virgin. There are so many other factors at play here, that I'd suggest forgetting that you're a virgin for a while and focusing on getting yourself HAPPY. Virgins can be happy too!

tinkerbell · 21-07-2013 10:13AM

Zen65 wrote: »

It seems to me from your post that a lot of your unhappiness stems from your misuse of porn. At 21, spending a lot of time every day looking at it is reducing your options and stunting your development as a person. That "lovely amazing funny thoughtful girlfriend" does not want a guy who spends hours every day watching porn. If you want her, you have to change your ways, not hers.

I don't mean this to sound cruel or harsh, but your post seems to be full of self-indulgence and a complete lack of awareness as to how you can change what's happening to you. Switch off the PC, get out and live a little.

This. I completely agree with Zen65.

OP, I'm just gonna be blunt about this. This seems to be all your own doing because you said a few years ago, you used to be popular and having fun. Why isn't it like this anymore? Be honest with yourself rather than just sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. You've been gaining weight by the stone (stop eating so much and exercise), you don't have any friends (why not, what happened there?) - pick up the phone and call your old friends, watching too much porn - no girl will want to go near you with that sort of obsession with porn and no doubt it's twisting your view of reality also. It's a seriously unhealthy obsession. Go out and get a hobby, you said you used to enjoy football - well join a local club.

Also, how do you expect to have a girlfriend if you sit indoors all day getting heavier and watching porn? It's not gonna happen unless you actually sort out your life and put yourself out there. I also think the big elephant in the room here needs to be addressed - why are you considering having sex with a man if you are not gay or bi? You said you have no interest in men, only women, but you are thinking of losing your virginity to a man. Perhaps you should consider counselling so you can figure out what you actually want.

newaccount987 · 21-07-2013 04:16PM

Im really surprised with the amount of positive feedback that im after reading.. I wasn't expecting to read anything like that.. I appreciate the positive replies.. although I don't agree with all of them

Ill try to give a general reply.. rather than reply to each individual comment

Most replies believe that the porn is the big issue.. Well its not the only thing I do, I play a lot of video games and watch tv while im in doors

I know 12 stone isn't a huge amount of weight im 6"0 in height.. but its the speed of my weight gain that's worrying.. 3 stone in 2/3 years is a lot in my eyes.. so if this continued id be 15 stone at 24/25 and 18 stone at 28/29 which I wouldn't want to be

I didn't mention this in my opening post I probably shouldve but im still in education.. im in college.. so far.. I find that I have slightly less problems when im "not hibernating at home as much" as a few hours of my day are spent in college.. though my problems do still exist on a day to day basis while im still in college the only difference is theres just a few less hours in the day

endacl · 21-07-2013 04:20PM

So, when you're not at college you're at home in front of a screen, and only in the company of your own head?

You may already know what the problem is, OP.

December2012 · 21-07-2013 04:41PM

I think he does know what the problem is but doesn't know how to solve it.

You've listed a lot of things bothering you there OP, lets break them down.

1) you have lots of free time but you are not happy with the way you spend all of it, because its solitary.

How to solve it is simple "meet more people", yet complicated, because for you meeting up with people is only the first part. You need to be able to form friendships.

2) you've no social life / no friends.

Part of problem 1 really isn't it. The way to start to solve this is the same - you try to be more confident in yourself and you will be more interesting. Be more confident and interesting, = making acquaintances. Making acquaintances = making friends = meeting girls and guys and eventually meeting the right person to lose your virginity with.

3) weight gain / confidence

You have the time, would you join a gym? It will help you stop the weight gain train you are worried about, it will help you look and feel better, and it should motivate you to look at your diet.

You could then look at joining a sports club, this will be your way to meet people. A running club would be good. Maybe golf, anything you want to try!

Look at sites like meetup.com. Are there any meet ups for fans of online gaming?

You could feel better if you take things one step at a time

1) exercise, will lead to
2) socialise, will lead to
3) confidence, will lead to
4) friendships, will lead to
5) more happiness and a less insular view, will lead to
6) sexual experience.

Don't worry about feelings of confusion over sexuality - there are plenty of safe ways to explore those - look at the LGBT forum.

newaccount987 · 21-07-2013 05:05PM

Esoteric_ wrote: »

I know you say you'd give anything for a nice girlfriend, but tbh with you, at the moment, you're not fit for a relationship. A girl of that age isn't going to want to date a guy who spends his time eating and watching porn, to be blunt.

If all you do is sit inside and do basically nothing, you're not going to meet a nice girl, and if you do, it probably won't last with the way you're carrying on.

Why don't you want to go out anymore? Do you want to, but have nobody to do it with, or is it that you don't want to?

I'm not going to lie and say I was still a virgin at 21, because I wasn't. However, it's not the be all and end all, and having sex or getting a girlfriend is not going to magically change your life.

You see the flipside is if I had a girlfriend I wouldn't be watching porn and eating too much.. more of my time and effort would be put into keeping her happy and loving her and having fun with her and just spending my time with her

If I did meet a nice girl I would carry on differently to what Im like now I know would

If I did have a sex and ended up with a girlfriend id be different.. Id be happy id have a smile on my face and reason to be motivated.. and reason to look forward to weekends with her etc.. It'd give me more motivation

endacl · 21-07-2013 05:23PM

newaccount987 wrote: »

You see the flipside is if I had a girlfriend I wouldn't be watching porn and eating too much.. more of my time and effort would be put into keeping her happy and loving her and having fun with her and just spending my time with her

You seem to be putting a lot of responsibility on a fantasy. This 'girlfriend' doesn't exist as it stands. And won't as long as you convince yourself of your circular argument.

Put that time and effort into yourself.

Meauldsegosha · 21-07-2013 05:39PM

newaccount987 wrote: »

You see the flipside is if I had a girlfriend I wouldn't be watching porn and eating too much.. more of my time and effort would be put into keeping her happy and loving her and having fun with her and just spending my time with her

If I did meet a nice girl I would carry on differently to what Im like now I know would

If I did have a sex and ended up with a girlfriend id be different.. Id be happy id have a smile on my face and reason to be motivated.. and reason to look forward to weekends with her etc.. It'd give me more motivation

You are putting a lot of expectations on a girlfriend you haven't even met yet. You have to change your life, you can't expect someone to come into your life and change it drastically. That's not how relationships work.

Chucky the tree · 21-07-2013 05:53PM

What makes you think a girl would stick around? You sound very desperate and that is a huge turn off. I find it hard to believe that if you had sex you'd suddenly feeling a big urge to go out, eat well, exercise a lot, and develop friendships. I'd consider doing all of that first in an attempt to get sex/a girlfriend and not something to do once it happens.

Most of your posts read like one big pity party which you almost seem like you have little interest in actually changing. I think until you actually feel like changing yourself then you'll just come up with an endless list of excuses and to why it won't happen or what you need to make it happen.

dd972 · 21-07-2013 06:05PM

I'll get a bit of flack for this and I know your're depressed OP, but this is just another angle on things

Get a cheapo flight over to Amsterdam or Hamburg, get the job done, maybe 3 or 4 times during your stay, if it doesn't go to plan first time around then the second attempt probably will. Prostitutes are like Nurses, they've seen it all and won't give a rats about your weight, dick size, appearance.

After you come back you'll realise that sex is not the big deal you've made it out to be in your head, then you can concentrate on yourself, getting fit again, losing weight and get this nonsense about being Gay out of your head.

GalwayGuy2 · 21-07-2013 06:19PM

Ive considered forcing myself to have sex with a man even though I don't want to and I don't find men attractive

Hmm, your social isolation is complicating it, but at 21 it's perfectly natural to be curious. I wouldn't get too worried or down about that. Who cares if you like men or women, or if you like men and women.

In my opinion I'd go off the porn for a little bit. If you're not addicted, then there's no harm in going a few weeks/months without watching porn (Tbh, I'd include erotic stories as well), and if you are then you really should try and nip that in the bud.

Get a cheapo flight over to Amsterdam or Hamburg, get the job done, maybe 3 or 4 times during your stay, if it doesn't go to plan first time around then the second attempt probably will. Prostitutes are like Nurses, they've seen it all and won't give a rats about your weight, dick size, appearance.

I'm not getting into the ethics of prostitution, but I wouldn't do that. You'll just end up feeling disgusted with yourself.

December2012 · 21-07-2013 06:54PM

newaccount987 wrote: »

You see the flipside is if I had a girlfriend I wouldn't be watching porn and eating too much.. more of my time and effort would be put into keeping her happy and loving her and having fun with her and just spending my time with her

If I did meet a nice girl I would carry on differently to what Im like now I know would

If I did have a sex and ended up with a girlfriend id be different.. Id be happy id have a smile on my face and reason to be motivated.. and reason to look forward to weekends with her etc.. It'd give me more motivation

Wrong OP. that wouldn't happen.

Without being too corny, how do you think you could do that for her when you're not doing it for yourself.

She is a person with flaws of her own, not an impossible ideal.

You would be using her to fix you.

Fix yourself for yourself dude.

newaccount987 · 21-07-2013 07:58PM

December2012 wrote: »

Wrong OP. that wouldn't happen.

Without being too corny, how do you think you could do that for her when you're not doing it for yourself.

She is a person with flaws of her own, not an impossible ideal.

You would be using her to fix you.

Fix yourself for yourself dude.

No no I think you guys misunderstand what im getting at.. I should've made it more clearer

What im trying to say and get across is that if I was with someone or say if there was some incentive to possibly be with someone in the near future like it would help me to improve.. It would give me motivation a goal a target.. Its very difficult to motivate myself !! it always has been.. Ive found ive lost a lot of drive and motivation over the last year or 2 particularly with my studies, my future goals to and to some basic everyday tasks

Im not saying I need a girlfriend right now to improve and to motivate me.. im saying a girlfriend or one in the future would give me some incentive a little push

Though if you understand where im coming from you might still disagree with my way of thinking ?

endacl · 21-07-2013 08:01PM

newaccount987 wrote: »

No no I think you guys misunderstand what im getting at.. I should've made it more clearer

What im trying to say and get across is that if I was with someone or say if there was some incentive to possibly be with someone in the near future like it would help me to improve.. It would give me motivation a goal a target.. Its very difficult to motivate myself !! it always has been.. Ive found ive lost a lot of drive and motivation over the last year or 2 particularly with my studies, my future goals to and to some basic everyday tasks

Im not saying I need a girlfriend right now to improve and to motivate me.. im saying a girlfriend or one in the future would give me some incentive a little push

Though if you understand where im coming from you might still disagree with my way of thinking ?

Afraid so. You seem to have fallen into a bit of a loop, and you're very good at rationalising it for yourself. Are you not struck at how easy it was for people to point out the flaws in this rationalisation?

Get out and live your life lad. You only get one.

December2012 · 21-07-2013 08:09PM

Well, in that case you do have the motivation - you want something then you have to go and get it.

You're the only one who can make you take action.

Stavro Mueller · 21-07-2013 08:31PM

You've got this the wrong way around. I might get slated for this but at your age the odds are stacked against you if you are overweight and desperate. Why would a girl want to get with you when she can go out with a lad who's more physically attractive and hasn't got issues? A girlfriend isn't going to fall into your lap and solve your problems. It is up to you to change your own life and do what you have to do to sort yourself out.

daisybelle2008 · 21-07-2013 08:42PM

newaccount987 wrote: »

god I hate myself

Why am I so lonely

Id love to be loved for once

OP, you have to start liking yourself. If you don't like yourself how do you expect someone else to? You are not going to attract a positive loving relationship in a negative mindset. Be your own best friend, start believing in yourself and turn things around. The quality of your life and relationships will improve. Someone once said to me that you can never be lonely if you like the person you are alone with. Colleges have tonnes of clubs and society's that are infinitely better than video games, porn and tv for developing a positive social life. You have time and your health and a good personality, put yourself out there, make an effort, the ball is totally in your court.

XsApollo · 21-07-2013 08:52PM

dd972 wrote: »

I'll get a bit of flack for this and I know your're depressed OP, but this is just another angle on things

Get a cheapo flight over to Amsterdam or Hamburg, get the job done, maybe 3 or 4 times during your stay, if it doesn't go to plan first time around then the second attempt probably will. Prostitutes are like Nurses, they've seen it all and won't give a rats about your weight, dick size, appearance.

After you come back you'll realise that sex is not the big deal you've made it out to be in your head, then you can concentrate on yourself, getting fit again, losing weight and get this nonsense about being Gay out of your head.

I'm in agreement with this,
I've been in your situation myself before and the one thing that was holding me back was being a virgin at 23.
I was so paranoid about it that it was on my mind in everything I did and got me down.
Not chatting to girls in case they actually wanted to have sex with me which I couldn't do cause I was a virgin and paranoid about it.
It's a viscous circle in that you cant get intimate with a woman because you haven't been intimate with a woman.
You need to break that cycle

Go have sex with someone.
You can also go onto adult sex dating sites and put in your profile you are a virgin and looking for a woman to show you the ropes,
Trust me you will get plenty of replies from females that are actually into that sort of thing.

newaccount987 · 21-07-2013 10:24PM

Chucky the tree wrote: »

What makes you think a girl would stick around? You sound very desperate and that is a huge turn off. I find it hard to believe that if you had sex you'd suddenly feeling a big urge to go out, eat well, exercise a lot, and develop friendships.

Because this isn't really me.. Its not like ive been like this since 12 or 13 or since a child.. and because Ive got so much love to give im a decent nice person in my opinion

Having sex would help.. it would be like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.. Im sure it would give me some incentive and reason to exercise and make new friends.. It would be like an achievement and a confidence booster

newaccount987 · 21-07-2013 10:26PM

XsApollo wrote: »

I'm in agreement with this,
I've been in your situation myself before and the one thing that was holding me back was being a virgin at 23.
I was so paranoid about it that it was on my mind in everything I did and got me down.
Not chatting to girls in case they actually wanted to have sex with me which I couldn't do cause I was a virgin and paranoid about it.
It's a viscous circle in that you cant get intimate with a woman because you haven't been intimate with a woman.
You need to break that cycle

Go have sex with someone.
You can also go onto adult sex dating sites and put in your profile you are a virgin and looking for a woman to show you the ropes,
Trust me you will get plenty of replies from females that are actually into that sort of thing.

Awh somebody that understands.. Its horrible isin it
I dont want to wait until 23 though i feel terrible that I'm 21

Can I ask what age are you now and how do you eventually get to have sex with someone ??
And when you did it.. Did things in your life become a bit easier was it easier to pull women from then on ? Did you get a confidence boost from just sex alone ? Did it aspire or give you extra motivation in any sort of way ?

I don't want to have sex with a prostitude though where'd be here or in a foreign country

I would much prefer to do it with a girl who would show me the way like and who would be understanding and considerate

Stavro Mueller · 21-07-2013 10:39PM

newaccount987 wrote: »

...
Having sex would help.. it would be like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.. Im sure it would give me some incentive and reason to exercise and make new friends.. It would be like an achievement and a confidence booster

No it doesn't. All that will change is that you will have hands-on experience of how the mechanics work, so to speak. It isn't going to change your world in the way you seem to think it will.

What is stopping you from exercising and changing your life this minute?

endacl · 21-07-2013 10:44PM

Pointed question OP. Sorry, It's my training....

Actually, three pointed questions for you to ask yourself. Probably worth you taking some time to think about them. They may sound a little harsh, but believe me, they're not intended to.

1. Do you really want things to change?
2. Do you really want advice?
3. Where are 'you' in this situation? By this, I mean how have you constructed the situation for yourself, and why are you resistant to comment that contradicts the reality you have described?

I don't in honesty expect you to answer in-thread, but they are good questions to think about.

tinkerbell · 21-07-2013 11:56PM

OP, you're not listening to anybody so I think asking for advice is probably pointless. You keep trying to defend the position you've gotten yourself in and you keep saying that by finding some girl to have sex with that this will spray magic glitter all over your problems and make them vanish. It won't. Your life is not going to magically change when you have sex and I'm not sure how you think it will. Your virginity is not the problem here, it's the other stuff.

How do you honestly think a girl is gonna have sex with you when you are sitting at home all day, eating all the time, gaining weight, feeling sorry for yourself and watching porn movie after porn movie? It's never gonna happen. The only person who can sort out your problems is YOU, not sex, not a girl, but YOU.

You come on here asking how to sort your problems yet you have no interest in doing so. You're coming up with loads of excuses and ignoring the problem. You clearly have time to sort out your life if you have time to watch truck loads of porn all day. Stop watching porn, get out, play some football, go socialise with people, join the gym and most of all, stop making excuses. You are gonna still be in this same position at 31, 41, 51 and so on if you don't do something about it. And finally, stop trying to convince yourself that by getting a girlfriend will fix this. It won't. A girl is not gonna take you on as some project to try and fix. You need to be able to love yourself first before you can even consider a relationship so you are definitely no where near ready for that yet.

mikemac1 · 22-07-2013 12:11AM

newaccount987 wrote: »

Id give anything to have a lovely amazing funny thoughtful girlfriend cuddling me at night..
Id love to be loved for once

Gotta love yourself first OP

Sure who wouldn't want such a girlfriend but that's just not for you at the current time.
You are so unhappy with yourself that even if this happens you'd be needy and wondering would she leave you and tbh she may well do. It's not for her to sort yourself too.

OP, if this is going to change it's up to you. 21 now, you will be 31 before you know it.

Good luck, there are some superb posts on this thread

FWIW, 12 stone isn't that heavy for an average height lad your age. But sure maybe hire a personal trainer if you want. It's one way to look better and feel better about yourself

LegacyUser · 22-07-2013 01:20AM

Hi OP

First off I can appreciate where you are coming from. My situation is nearly identical to yours, the only different is I'm 23. Being a virgin in your 20's can get you down at times. I know that lonely feeling, feeling like there is something wrong with you. It's worth remembering that there are virgins of all ages and for various reasons. I've also seen other peoples perception of it. Believe me I have been caught out about it on a number occasions, I've over heard people taking the piss out of me, I've had people straight up laugh in my face when they found out.

How have I ended up being 23 and never having sex? It's all down to my out look on things. I've been told on a number of occasions that I am relativity attractive but whats holds me back is I have a seriously flawed personality and outlook which is the result of extremely low confidence and self esteem. I realized this and know until I do something to change it there is no point in me perusing any type of relationship or intimate situation. I know no girl would want anything to do with me in my current state. I'm taking small steps to better myself, I try to forget about the fact that I'm a virgin and try focusing on other things.

I guess what I'm trying to say OP is that there is no point dwelling on it, it is what it is. Try doing something to take your mind off it, I know its easier said than done, even just go for a walk in the fresh air to clear your head and maybe build from there. Take baby steps.

I know I'm probably not a good person to be giving advice but I wish you the best of luck.

Taltos · 22-07-2013 05:56AM

dd972 & CarlDunne1979 - I have deleted a number of your posts as being off topic.
Please read our forum charter before posting here again, all forum breaches can and regularly do result in bans of varying lengths.
Can I also remind you suggesting any illegal activity is a bannable offense.

Thanks
Taltos

LegacyUser · 22-07-2013 08:08AM

I lost my virginity in a drunken one night stand because I didn't want to die wondering. I felt ashamed of being a virgin at my age and had had little attention from the opposite sex to date. The next day it was all over and absolutely nothing had changed. It took a while for the penny to drop as to why I was having no luck meeting someone.

It was mainly down to my weight, what I wore when I went out and how I held myself. I spent a lot of my 20's overweight and wearing clothes that hid my bulging figure. It made me feel worthless which didn't help either. I used to wish I could meet someone and it would solve everything. The only flaw in this logic was that finding someone who would see past my weight and fancy the person underneath was always going to be hard to do. Sadly for those of us who battle our weight, there are a lot of people out there who are simply not attracted to overweight men and women. Nor are they going to want to chance approaching someone in a pub who's looking miserable. I was lonely and wished so much that people would fancy me instead of chatting up my friends. Then the penny dropped and I realised that I had to "market" myself better.

I set about losing the weight and started taking exercise classes. When I became thinner and more in shape it helped my self-esteem. I got more attention out on the town than I'd ever done before. I took up a new hobby which got me out of the house and that's where I met my partner.

You sound quite self-pitying and in a rut. Sitting at home watching porn and waiting for a mystical girlfriend to show up is not going to happen. The sooner you realise that the better.

Esoteric_ · 22-07-2013 06:43PM

I can't agree with the previous post more.

Op, about two years ago, I was morbidly obese, mentally ill, was deliberately avoiding my friends and quit all my hobbies because I was depressed. Somehow, I still managed to attract nice men, but the fact was I knew being with a nice guy wasn't going to fix me.

So, I spent about a year being single, got my mental health under control, lost half of my entire body weight over two years, joined back in with my friends and hobbies and then, only then, did I suppose start dating again.

No girl is going to fix you. I was in a long term relationship when I was feeling similar to what you describe, before I decided to stay single for a while, and it did not help in the slightest, I just had someone around to stop me from being bored. Relationships can't be about fixing your problems, they should be an extra part of an already happy life, something that just enhances your happiness.

Please take on board what people are saying. I don't want you to be sad and lonely for another twenty one years, but you will be if you don't sort your life out for YOU, not for some non existent girl.

Ive a lot problems i dont know where to start. Depression virginity loneliness at 21

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