How should I deal with a brother who's always been distant with me as we grow older?

LegacyUser · 25-06-2013 12:43PM #1

He's 8 years older than me and left home when I was 10, I only really have memories of him not liking me and being the kind of teen who holed himself up in his room or was out with friends all the time. Once he went to college and started working I only saw him at christmas and even then not for very long. We'd usually play a sports video game for an afternoon without ever really talking much about ourselves and then that was it until next year. I never really knew much about him in truth.
His courtesies have never been great, he sends birthday cards about 2 weeks late for me every year and has never bought me a gift, it's always been money. Even though I always tried to get him a gift. I stopped doing that when I saw he left them behind under his bed one christmas.

We've never had a fractious relationship or anything because I've always been passive about this, he was my older brother and I guess I didn't know what to expect from a sibling. He always carries on like things are ok in the family, I don't think he thinks about me or my family very much in general. He's friendly when I see him the one time a year but doesn't know much about me or has any interest to learn.
Another part that grates was when in college he used to hang around with his best friend and got to know his little brother doing that (my classmate), he used to hang out a lot with him playing soccer or video games or wahtever. Stuff I'd have liked to have done with him but he always seemed closer with him, maybe it was because he liked to get out of the family house I don't know.
I've seen from the little brother that he has my brother on his facebook and talks to him regularly while he doesn't me.

I'm 21 now and he's 30, I suppose it's something I've gotten angry about over the years as I've grown up and felt like I've more control over my life. I feel like he's never been a brother to me and I want to stop pretending that we're siblings and everything is ok, I suppose I want to create a fractious relationship because thats how I feel about it.
He's getting married later this year and I'm considering rejecting his invitation (assuming I get one..), I'd be happy not seeing him again. He's never been there for me as a brother and I don't think he deserves the convenience of believing his family life is peaceful.

He's not really the thinking type, talking it out with him isn't going to work and we're grown up now, the time for a big brother has passed. My choices are really either to just accept the situation as it is now and continue on with having a hollow relationship or severe ties so I don't have the deal with the pain of not having a big brother but having to pretend that I have. I don't think it'd cause a family rift as our parents have always towed the line that they don't want to know about problems we have with one another and are staying neutral. It'd obviously be an inconvenience for him and his new wife as it'd become something he has to address instead of continue ignoring, probably her especially as she seems eager to get to know his family.

Merkin · 25-06-2013 01:16PM

anon1832 wrote: »

I suppose it's something I've gotten angry about over the years as I've grown up and felt like I've more control over my life.

You do have control of your life and you also now can decide whether to try and create a relationship with your brother. You seem to have taken perceived slights (the Christmas presents under the bed) and blown them out of proportion. The thing is, there is an age gap between you both but this gap should now narrow as you mature into adulthood. I wouldn't be so foolish as to not attend his wedding (for spurious reasons let's face it) why instead don't you invest all this energy into contacting him on Facebook and suggest you meet up for a night on the beer? You seem to have made all these assumptions about him when you haven't really bothered to get to know him. He by the same token might not be all that bothered with you if he senses all this negativity and bad feeling towards him.

ManOfMystery · 25-06-2013 02:03PM

You and your brother don't appear to have any type of relationship at all, which is sad but not the end of the world. I'm a bit surprised however that you feel like you need to 'punish' him for not engaging in the typical things which big brothers might do.

Has he ever stolen from you? Screamed in your face? Betrayed your trust? Called you names? Beat you up? Or worse? There are threads on here almost every week from someone who has an issue with a sibling, and some of the things that they've done, and it really does make for shocking reading sometimes. I can understand those people needing punished, but not in this case.

He may not have been a very attentive and loving older brother, but equally, you haven't posted anything which suggests he's been an absolutely vile brother to you either. He's distant, that's all. Some siblings don't grow up to be close; that's just an unfortunate fact of life. An 8yr age gap doesn't help matters either - I know it's not massive, but it may be enough to make him feel he can't relate to you. My brother is 8yrs younger than me, and whilst we are fairly close and have always had similar interests (he was my best man and so on), he's at a very different stage of his life than I am - i.e. living in a bachelor pad, going out a fair bit, enjoying his single life and hobbies whilst I'm happily married, just bought a house and have a kid on the way. If we didn't consciously make that effort to spend time together, we probably wouldn't see a lot of each other.

I think boycotting his wedding is nothing more than a kneejerk reaction to these perceived slights that you think he has done on you, and it's an over the top response to be honest. In my opinion, you need to have an adult & mature conversation with your brother and just let him know that, as brothers, you'd like the two of you to be closer. If that's something he wants to do as well, he'll tell you. And if he doesn't, then let it go. There's absolutely no need for revenge or punishment or any other reaction like that - if he's not a naturally caring sibling, then don't try and force him to be.

LegacyUser · 25-06-2013 02:24PM

Hi OP

I myself (female) have had similar issues with one of my brothers for years and years. He is really distant - doesnt know anything about me unless he finds out from Facebook and makes no effort whatsoever to contact me. I do ring/text/facebook him on a regular basis but it's never a mutual effort!

I think you have blown things out of proportion a little and that is completely understandable. Growing up as a child and knowing something isn't right with a sibling is bound to have an affect on you but I do think you should just say to yourself, right I'm going to contact him from now on and be a brother and if he still doesn't bother with you - then you have to ask him why? You cant just get bitter about it and cut him out of your life. You're an adult - you can resolve this issue one way or another. Maybe you might not like the answer you get but at least you know where you stand!

I completely understand how hurt you feel - believe me I have went through years of this. I havent seen a birthday card since I was about 13. I did come out and ask him one day, why all this cold shoulder behaviour and he explained why. It wasnt a problem with me - it was him. We are closer now but still I get no phonecalls or contact. Some people are like that OP you just can explain their behaviour!

Have you ever asked him before why he goes on like this? Dont involve your parents by the way - they will stay neutral I'd say and they probably think as men you can both sort it out between you. I could be wrong but my parents wouldnt get involved in my predicament so I had to do it myself!

LegacyUser · 25-06-2013 05:36PM

Thanks for the replies

Merkin wrote: »

You do have control of your life and you also now can decide whether to try and create a relationship with your brother. You seem to have taken perceived slights (the Christmas presents under the bed) and blown them out of proportion. The thing is, there is an age gap between you both but this gap should now narrow as you mature into adulthood. I wouldn't be so foolish as to not attend his wedding (for spurious reasons let's face it) why instead don't you invest all this energy into contacting him on Facebook and suggest you meet up for a night on the beer? You seem to have made all these assumptions about him when you haven't really bothered to get to know him. He by the same token might not be all that bothered with you if he senses all this negativity and bad feeling towards him.

I don't think he senses negativity or bad feeling towards him, I always carried the assumption (naive maybe) that he was going through phases in his teens and 20's and would be more interested in family matters when life settled down for him, so was always more understanding of him and defensive towards him when others in my family were critical of him. I'd always tried to make the effort growing up but its reached a point recently where I'm starting to think he's never going to turn into the person I'd like him to be. I think if he found out I had negative feelings towards him he'd be quite shocked.
Why won't I ask him out for a beer etc? I'm conscious of not constantly making the first moves in all this, he generally rejects those kind of family events with some sort of excuse. (He hadn't seen our grandparents for their last 10 years alive despite knowing they were sick for example)
I'd feel pretty crap reaching out to him again only to be shot down and feel like I should have learned my lesson already on that front. I don't think building a good relationship with him is an option, he doesn't have one with anyone else in the family.

ManOfMystery wrote: »

You and your brother don't appear to have any type of relationship at all, which is sad but not the end of the world. I'm a bit surprised however that you feel like you need to 'punish' him for not engaging in the typical things which big brothers might do.

Has he ever stolen from you? Screamed in your face? Betrayed your trust? Called you names? Beat you up? Or worse? There are threads on here almost every week from someone who has an issue with a sibling, and some of the things that they've done, and it really does make for shocking reading sometimes. I can understand those people needing punished, but not in this case.

He may not have been a very attentive and loving older brother, but equally, you haven't posted anything which suggests he's been an absolutely vile brother to you either. He's distant, that's all. Some siblings don't grow up to be close; that's just an unfortunate fact of life. An 8yr age gap doesn't help matters either - I know it's not massive, but it may be enough to make him feel he can't relate to you. My brother is 8yrs younger than me, and whilst we are fairly close and have always had similar interests (he was my best man and so on), he's at a very different stage of his life than I am - i.e. living in a bachelor pad, going out a fair bit, enjoying his single life and hobbies whilst I'm happily married, just bought a house and have a kid on the way. If we didn't consciously make that effort to spend time together, we probably wouldn't see a lot of each other.

I think boycotting his wedding is nothing more than a kneejerk reaction to these perceived slights that you think he has done on you, and it's an over the top response to be honest. In my opinion, you need to have an adult & mature conversation with your brother and just let him know that, as brothers, you'd like the two of you to be closer. If that's something he wants to do as well, he'll tell you. And if he doesn't, then let it go. There's absolutely no need for revenge or punishment or any other reaction like that - if he's not a naturally caring sibling, then don't try and force him to be.

You're correct he isn't done anything bad to me except be distant. I suppose it's more about what he hasn't done but perspective and all that.
It's not a question of wanting to punish him but wanting the appearance of our relationship to mirror what it actually is, non-existent. Why should I be there for his wedding or be the brother in law his fiancee wants? Someday if he has a kid am I supposed to be godfather as well because asking siblings is the done thing? To me they feel like perks of a sibling relationship that doesn't exist, the idea that he'd contribute nothing as a brother and then ask those things for his benefit as a brother annoys me.
He could ask me for best man yet I genuinely have no idea if he has any friends where he is now.

December2012 · 25-06-2013 09:57PM

Well, what kid of brother are you to him?

ladysarah · 25-06-2013 10:05PM

how many kids are in the family and are there just 2 bots?

miss flutter ups · 25-06-2013 10:33PM

This is similar to my relationship with my big brother.

Around me he was always highly strung/ Snappy/passive/disingenuous and tbh we're polar opposites. I always looked up to him as annoying little sisters often do and he has (slightly) mellowed with age.

I really don't want to bore U with d details but as a grown up I feel I've tried so hard and put in so much effort over the years, im exhausted! You might be familiar with your elders saying "ah yous will grow out of it when you're older"

So he is also getting married this year and I will not be attending. I have cut all ties and he (true to form) hasn't batted an eye lid. Believe me it's like a weight has been lifted! I don't believe blood is always thicker than water. In your situation and indeed any other relationship of this nature u would be advised to let go

thefeatheredcat · 25-06-2013 10:35PM

anon1832 wrote: »

Why should I be there for his wedding or be the brother in law his fiancee wants? Someday if he has a kid am I supposed to be godfather as well because asking siblings is the done thing? To me they feel like perks of a sibling relationship that doesn't exist, the idea that he'd contribute nothing as a brother and then ask those things for his benefit as a brother annoys me.
He could ask me for best man yet I genuinely have no idea if he has any friends where he is now.

I get the impression that from your perspective he's relatively indifferent to you.

Maybe OP throughout all these years, he doesn't really have anything to be "proud of" to include you in the sense that he may not think he's much of anything or a brotherly figure or something.

You're annoyed about the possibility of being invited or included in his wedding -something you haven't been as yet invited to - and would think the idea of being invited is about validating him and suddenly out of a hat creating a brotherly relationship and wanting / expecting you to be there as his brother of which he has no relationship with. Yet you haven't been invited so that hasn't really occurred, but you seem to be on a pre-emptive strike with a view to rejecting his invite, should there be one, of which rather than acknowledging that given the distance between ye, actually there shouldn't be an invite at all for you (or family) but somehow you have an expectation or have considered there will be?

If there was an invite, it could be a way of reaching out to you to include you in his life.

But sticking with the facts, there is no invite therefore already you have what you want, to a degree, just a maintenance of the pretence. Are you expecting an invite? What if he doesn't invite you (and other family) to his wedding? Would that be acknowledgement enough of not ever wanting any sort of sibling relationship with you? Or are you hoping that he will invite to show some acknowledgement from him that you exist?

Are you in a way that bit wary of an invite, which perhaps might open a gate to building a relationship with him by him? And what that could lead to, such as forging a sibling relationship, but always with the risk that after a while he could be indifferent and distant towards you again?

ladysarah · 25-06-2013 10:42PM

miss flutter do your fsmily know you are not attending the wedding? I take my hat off to you for not allowing yr brothet drain yr energy?

miss flutter ups · 25-06-2013 11:19PM

ladysarah wrote: »

miss flutter do your fsmily know you are not attending the wedding? I take my hat off to you for not allowing yr brothet drain yr energy?

Thank U so much I've been trying to weigh everything up d last few days so ur comment means a lot.

This is a very recent decision (disastrous hen party/the bride showed me her/their true colours thus cementing mydecision)

My parents will be heartbroken but I think I have hit rock bottom with him. It's nearly as if I'm doing it out of self preservation now. Eg. I was very sick in hospital with kidney disease a few weeks after having babs. They didn't visit me ONCE. This is where d indifference kicks in.

Op apologies for turning this into a me rant, I hope U can relate to my story, there's only so much lip biting one can do

ladysarah · 25-06-2013 11:27PM

I got people including a cousin out of my life after doing a life coach course. It was the best thing i ever did as it was draining my energy. I do go to their weddings for my parents sake but not to christenings or anything else and i go on my terms ie I usually go home around 1130, do not stay in the hotel. maybe for your parents sake do something similar

LegacyUser · 25-06-2013 11:39PM

I am that older sibling, so I can kind of see where your brother is coming from.

There is almost a decade between you, so while you have one set of memories, his may be entirely different. When my brother was born, I had no great interest in him. Babies are not exciting, I can assure you. I spent a lot of time out of the house and while I was in it, everything centred around him. Seriously, it was less hassle to just steer clear if him than to get given out to every time he cried, etc. My grandparents had no interest in me whatsoever once he was born. I note you say that he hasn't seen yours in a decade. I didn't see mine for years, even when they were dying. The lack if interest was mutual, but my brother adored them and vice versa.

When he was older (still in primary school), I was a teenager. I had school, homework, exams and life to worry about. I used to see very little of him in the evening. He just wasn't a huge part of my day.

I left home when he was still in primary. I was an adult, working while he was still a child. I saw him even less as we got older. We have so little in common, we never really have much to say to each other.

I suspect that your lack of relationship stems from a few things. The first is the age gap. It is a big one, so you won't have the same childhood memories or a lot of common ground. The second is how he was treated after you were born by your family. Do you think he felt pushed out (home only once a year and not seeing your grandparents)? My guess is yes. Who knows how comfortable around you he feels? What exactly have you done to try to create a relationship with him. You are threatening not to go to his wedding, much like a moody teenager or spoiled brat. I doubt very much that you will be asked to be a godparent either, why would you be?

My suggestion is that you accept that this is your relationship. He hasn't done anything bad to you, has he? He is your brother, but he never will be the idealized person that you want him to be. He hasn't caused any family problems (but you seem to want to?).

I do love my brother, very much. I care about him, I always ask my parents about him and I do think about him. We just don't have the type of relationship where we directly communicate with each other. I suspect that once you are older and meet more people with much older/younger siblings you will see how common it is.

LegacyUser · 26-06-2013 11:49AM

DontGiveUp! wrote: »

Hi OP

I myself (female) have had similar issues with one of my brothers for years and years. He is really distant - doesnt know anything about me unless he finds out from Facebook and makes no effort whatsoever to contact me. I do ring/text/facebook him on a regular basis but it's never a mutual effort!

I think you have blown things out of proportion a little and that is completely understandable. Growing up as a child and knowing something isn't right with a sibling is bound to have an affect on you but I do think you should just say to yourself, right I'm going to contact him from now on and be a brother and if he still doesn't bother with you - then you have to ask him why? You cant just get bitter about it and cut him out of your life. You're an adult - you can resolve this issue one way or another. Maybe you might not like the answer you get but at least you know where you stand!

I completely understand how hurt you feel - believe me I have went through years of this. I havent seen a birthday card since I was about 13. I did come out and ask him one day, why all this cold shoulder behaviour and he explained why. It wasnt a problem with me - it was him. We are closer now but still I get no phonecalls or contact. Some people are like that OP you just can explain their behaviour!

Have you ever asked him before why he goes on like this? Dont involve your parents by the way - they will stay neutral I'd say and they probably think as men you can both sort it out between you. I could be wrong but my parents wouldnt get involved in my predicament so I had to do it myself!

We don't really have casual discussion like that so it's hard to raise these issues, when I see him it's either at christmas or some other overshadowing event like a grandparents funeral or mothers 60th. They aren't really the kind of places to talk about that. I suppose I'd sort of know the answer, it isn't just me he treats this way but the whole family.

How do you deal with the efforts you make not being mutual? I find it difficult giving sentiments to him that aren't returned, I just take it personally and can't help it so every birthday, christmas or event has a twinge of misery because of it. I just find it a drain on myself that I could do without, how do you turn that kind of unreturned effort into a positive thing?

December2012 wrote: »

Well, what kid of brother are you to him?

I suppose distant as well, there isn't really much to speak of as to how I think he views me. We've never had fights or difficulties, we don't really have a lot in common I'm just sort of there to him. I make an effort to try to be nice to him when I do get a chance to see him, never forget his birthday and always get him christmas gifts for his favourite team rather than just generic gift vouchers. It's not much but I make some kind of effort.

miss flutter ups wrote: »

This is similar to my relationship with my big brother.

Around me he was always highly strung/ Snappy/passive/disingenuous and tbh we're polar opposites. I always looked up to him as annoying little sisters often do and he has (slightly) mellowed with age.

I really don't want to bore U with d details but as a grown up I feel I've tried so hard and put in so much effort over the years, im exhausted! You might be familiar with your elders saying "ah yous will grow out of it when you're older"

So he is also getting married this year and I will not be attending. I have cut all ties and he (true to form) hasn't batted an eye lid. Believe me it's like a weight has been lifted! I don't believe blood is always thicker than water. In your situation and indeed any other relationship of this nature u would be advised to let go

I feel right now like cutting ties with him would be best for me, that it'd just eliminated a source of stress in my life. My doubt is how I'll feel about it in 10 or 20 years time, when we're distant to begin with there's probably no going back.

LegacyUser · 26-06-2013 01:27PM

anon1832 wrote: »

We don't really have casual discussion like that so it's hard to raise these issues, when I see him it's either at christmas or some other overshadowing event like a grandparents funeral or mothers 60th. They aren't really the kind of places to talk about that. I suppose I'd sort of know the answer, it isn't just me he treats this way but the whole family.

How do you deal with the efforts you make not being mutual? I find it difficult giving sentiments to him that aren't returned, I just take it personally and can't help it so every birthday, christmas or event has a twinge of misery because of it. I just find it a drain on myself that I could do without, how do you turn that kind of unreturned effort into a positive thing?

TBH - Boards was a massive help to me, I got a lot of advice from people when I put my predicament up a long time ago. I would never have said anything to him about his behaviour if it wasnt for Boards! Believe me I raged at his behaviour, I was furious at how little he seemed to give a sh*t about me and my other family members. I found it especially hard because being female - I don't understand men a whole lot But it is just as hard for you as brothers are usually closer in families!

I still get angry about it sometimes, only when I think of it the odd time. But I do know, that my brother is just like that, it's just his way and it's cruel of me to expect him to change who he is just because I want him to. I just learn to live with it! And honestly I feel a whole lot better about things since I let go of those constant feelings of anger at him!

You have every right be confused, indifferent and feeling angry - but that will continue unless you do something to resolve the situation. If I was you, I would drop him an email - nothing harsh, just explaining a little about how you feel. It's entirely up to you how much of your feelings you portray in the email but I do think for yourself, you need to try and resolve this. At least you will get an answer one way or another and you can move on with your life and try leave these feelings behind! An email to me is the best way, you would probably hate to have to say these things face to face considering he isnt the best at chatting in general to you! I hope for your sake OP, things are sorted, because I know how crappy it can be feeling like your own brother doesnt have a care in the world for you!

Best of luck!

LegacyUser · 27-06-2013 10:52AM

DontGiveUp! wrote: »

anon1832 wrote: »

We don't really have casual discussion like that so it's hard to raise these issues, when I see him it's either at christmas or some other overshadowing event like a grandparents funeral or mothers 60th. They aren't really the kind of places to talk about that. I suppose I'd sort of know the answer, it isn't just me he treats this way but the whole family.

How do you deal with the efforts you make not being mutual? I find it difficult giving sentiments to him that aren't returned, I just take it personally and can't help it so every birthday, christmas or event has a twinge of misery because of it. I just find it a drain on myself that I could do without, how do you turn that kind of unreturned effort into a positive thing?

TBH - Boards was a massive help to me, I got a lot of advice from people when I put my predicament up a long time ago. I would never have said anything to him about his behaviour if it wasnt for Boards! Believe me I raged at his behaviour, I was furious at how little he seemed to give a sh*t about me and my other family members. I found it especially hard because being female - I don't understand men a whole lot But it is just as hard for you as brothers are usually closer in families!

I still get angry about it sometimes, only when I think of it the odd time. But I do know, that my brother is just like that, it's just his way and it's cruel of me to expect him to change who he is just because I want him to. I just learn to live with it! And honestly I feel a whole lot better about things since I let go of those constant feelings of anger at him!

You have every right be confused, indifferent and feeling angry - but that will continue unless you do something to resolve the situation. If I was you, I would drop him an email - nothing harsh, just explaining a little about how you feel. It's entirely up to you how much of your feelings you portray in the email but I do think for yourself, you need to try and resolve this. At least you will get an answer one way or another and you can move on with your life and try leave these feelings behind! An email to me is the best way, you would probably hate to have to say these things face to face considering he isnt the best at chatting in general to you! I hope for your sake OP, things are sorted, because I know how crappy it can be feeling like your own brother doesnt have a care in the world for you!

Best of luck!

Thanks for your advice, might give myself some time to chill out and send him something.

Pandora2 · 29-06-2013 08:58AM

anon1832 wrote: »

DontGiveUp! wrote: »

Thanks for your advice, might give myself some time to chill out and send him something.

He's getting married soon, why don't you ring him, in your own time...invite him for a pint? It would be a fairly run of the mill thing for brother's to do. It's only my opinion but sending him something just smacks of highlighting the distance between you.

I hope you find common ground but would concur that, as you grow older, you will find it is perfectly normal not to be 'close' with some siblings. For all the reasons discussed above. I was not particularly close with any of my siblings but one brother I adored, well, we just drifted apart as we had our own families and our relationship is non-existant now, whereas I have bcome much closer with my Sister as we brought our children through the teenage Years! The key is to let go of the angst, enjoy the times were you meet naturally, Hatch, Match & Dispatch being the obvious events. Have a chat when you do meet...it may just kickstart a renewal of a functioning relationship.

I guarantee you this though, if you have an ideal of what this relationship should be...reality won't match it, ever and that's not your brother's fault. I appreciate that you might wish to 'thrash' this out with your brother but, sad experience has taught me this will only widen the gulf and if you must go down this route it would be more about 'closure' than building a future relationship. Go easy on yourself and him! Have a laugh and take the opportunity to tell him that you enjoyed the time with him and wish you had been closer growing up....He is much more likely to respond positively to that than an angst ridden conversation! I understand how you feel, I've been there but you are panicking, trying to fix it when it's not broken only strained. Perfectly normal to be like that, your brother is obviously important to you just relax a bit, let things happen and the wedding coming up is the perfect opportunity. And the timing is all wrong, he won't thank you for adding to his stress levels with his wedding imminent. On the contrary you should offer to help him with something...anything!! Good luck!

How should I deal with a brother who's always been distant with me as we grow older?

Comments