Boyfriend asked me to move out, too much too soon for him

LegacyUser · 17-06-2013 03:26PM #1

Hi all,
Have to go unreg for this. I'm very upset and insecure at the moment, I moved in to my boyfriend's house just over two weeks ago (there are other housemates here too) and last week he had a bit of a breakdown. This came as a complete shock to me, I loved living with him and thought everything was fine, I had an incredibly stressful job and it had been tough on the both of us so I quit it, that evening we were having a nice night in as I was feeling fragile and upset after quitting work and needing a new job. He has been very loving and showed no signs of something being wrong, perhaps I didn't pick up the signs because it was my first week at the worst job ever. So it was a complete shock when he broke down, he scared me. He was a bit hysterical to be honest, saying that he felt numb, that I loved him more than he loved me, that he hated where he was living, couldn't handle college, huge financial worries and on and on. I was very strong for him, listening to him, trying to help and support him and basically just taking care of him as he was a nervous breakdown for two days. I suggested I leave for a few days to give him space to think about us and clear his head. When I returned a few days later we spoke for hours and tried not to get emotional, to be logical and clear headed about things. He asked me to move out, said we moved too quickly and he wasn't ready. He keeps saying that he doesn't deserve me which scares me because basically it translates as 'I don't love you enough and don't think I can'.

He wasn't willing to give it a try, the both of us living together but in separate rooms, having separate and fulfilling social lives, not seeing a huge amount of eachother and basically to take things very gently and slowly. He just wants me out. I am so confused, I am getting mixed messages from him and he doesn't even seem to know how he feels. I'm angry, I have to cancel all my summer plans and responsibilities, I have to move back home halfway across the country, I won't even have my own bedroom and I won't be able to see him. I go from a lovely summer together to a hard summer in my family home and just contacting him via Skype/mobile phone. It all feels like a nightmare. I don't know what to do, I've been caring for him for the past week, talking him through his worries, supporting him, holding him and also, giving him space. I've encouraged him to be honest and tell me his true feelings, which was horrible because what he said really hurt me. I didn't argue with him when he asked me to move out, I accepted it but I'm devastated. I broke down in tears in front of him and that made him really distressed because he feels he has caused this. So I'm angry and shocked and devastated and I can't really open up to him because I have to be strong to help him through his difficult time. I've reassured him that I understand he needs me to move out, but I still love him and I am willing to work to make this long-distance relationship work.
I guess I'm looking for your thoughts on my situation and what I should do. As the shock wears off, he anger seems to be setting in.

Emme · 17-06-2013 05:06PM

Maybe you should give him even more space, for example separate for a few months and do your own thing in the meantime. That would include seeing other people and there would be no guarantee that you would get back together.

Do you have to live in your family home? Why not do a houseshare in the city if you prefer living there. Don't depend on your boyfriend for your happiness, make it yourself.

Magicmatilda · 17-06-2013 06:59PM

Emme raises a good point, if you could afford to live with him,couldn't you get a house share?

How long were you together? Did he ask you to move in or was that your idea? Maybe when you quit your job he felt you would want him to cover you financially? Either way, he doesn't want to live with you, so you probably need to just accept that.

If you have to move home, then try and make the most of it. But I think you should take the summer as a break from this relationship and see where things lie afterwards.

I know it's hard but you need to be minding yourself in this. It's seems all the focus is on minding him.

Faith · 17-06-2013 07:13PM

Yep, I was going to suggest you go to another house share rather than move home, which would be extremely stressful for you.

Who suggested moving in together? And how long have you been together?

It's hard to advise you because we don't know what's going on inside the guy's head. But honestly, I'd agree that you should give him even more space - as in, not contact him and let him come to you if he wants you. It sounds like you desperately need some space too, but can't quite see that yet.

Basically, everything Emme said. You're not responsible for him, you don't have to support him through this time and you really need to make yourself a priority. If he wants you, he'll come back to you. But you have to let him sort through his own stuff first.

Best of luck, it sounds like an awful situation.

LegacyUser · 18-06-2013 07:05AM

OP here. Thank you all for the advice. Things went from bad to worse (which I didn't even think was possible) He broke up with me. I'm in bits now.
We were going out 5 months, which know is quick to move in together but I was ready and he asked me to move in with him. None of that matters anymore though I guess because he dumped me. I still can't stop worrying about him and how he is going to get through this.
Also, he wasn't worried he would have to support me because I worked enough to pay for two months rent. I really feel like I did everything right. I had a very long term relationship end this time last summer and I was absolutely destroyed, but I learned my lesson about not being to clingy and giving space and having independent lives. I didn't think I could ever be happy or ever fall in love again. But I did with this man and now it's all ruined and I don't even know why. Everything just disentegrated in the space of 10 minutes, and he's all over the place emotionally. I had to practically push him to break up with me.

The Corinthian · 18-06-2013 02:50PM

Movingut23 wrote: »

Also, he wasn't worried he would have to support me because I worked enough to pay for two months rent.

And if you don't have a job in two months, what then?

From meeting someone and moving in together in five months isn't really rushing things, so perhaps there's more to it than that from his perspective. He's not being open with you on this, from what I can see.

Given that, my understanding is that you moved in and one of the first things you did was to quit your job. If he was already feeling a bit trapped, then this would have almost certainly set him off - too many cases of boy and girlfriends taking a break which then stretch out indefinitely out there, I'm afraid, and that can rattle anyone who's already a bit shaky.

Put it down to experience, get another job, then your own place and then the next time you want to move in with a guy, have him move in with you.

Emme · 18-06-2013 03:22PM

Movingut23 wrote: »

OP here. Thank you all for the advice. Things went from bad to worse (which I didn't even think was possible) He broke up with me. I'm in bits now.

It might seem hard now, but I think a clean break from him is the best thing for you. You can plan a summer on your own terms, do your own thing and get over him. Is there any chance of you working abroad this summer?

Movingut23 wrote: »

We were going out 5 months, which know is quick to move in together but I was ready and he asked me to move in with him. None of that matters anymore though I guess because he dumped me.

You are both young and 5 months is very quick to move in together. When I was younger I moved in with a guy after 14 months. He had been pestering me to move in with him after 3 months. Within a few weeks he turned nasty and violent and I had to move back to the family home until I found another place. There's a saying "if you want to know me, come live with me". You will look back later and say you had a lucky escape.

Movingut23 wrote: »

I still can't stop worrying about him and how he is going to get through this.

He dumped you and he is not your problem, look after yourself and forget about him. He will be fine and will probably get over himself sooner than you think.

Movingut23 wrote: »

Also, he wasn't worried he would have to support me because I worked enough to pay for two months rent. I really feel like I did everything right.

It wasn't a good idea to resign from your job. What would happen after two months if you didn't get another job? It's very important to keep your independence in a relationship and be responsible for yourself. That means paying your own way.

Movingut23 wrote: »

I had a very long term relationship end this time last summer and I was absolutely destroyed, but I learned my lesson about not being to clingy and giving space and having independent lives.

I'm not sure you learned this lesson last year, but this experience should hammer the lesson home for you.

Movingut23 wrote: »

I didn't think I could ever be happy or ever fall in love again. But I did with this man and now it's all ruined and I don't even know why. Everything just disentegrated in the space of 10 minutes, and he's all over the place emotionally. I had to practically push him to break up with me.

You were only with him for 5 months. Some couples don't even get exclusive until after 6 months. Perhaps you should focus on your career and get some interests of your own instead of trying to live through a relationship. Your happiness doesn't depend on being in a relationship.

Do not interfere in your ex boyfriend's life, he does not need your help. Help yourself instead.

LegacyUser · 18-06-2013 06:35PM

Thanks, I appreciate the advice, although it is so harsh hearing you all refer to him as your 'ex-boyfriend', it hasn't even been 24 hours. This time yesterday he was being so loving.
I just want to clarify things as I totally wasn't clear about our situation. We are both going into our final year of college next year. This was just going to be a summer thing as we both live far away from the city and we both wanted to live in the city for the summer. So it was just for three months. There was no lease or anything as his friend owns the place, if I hadn't been able to get another job, I would have just moved home. But there was no financial stress really coming from my side as I also had a back-up part time job to sustain me rent and maintenance wise.

Emme · 19-06-2013 10:02AM

Movingout-23 wrote: »

Thanks, I appreciate the advice, although it is so harsh hearing you all refer to him as your 'ex-boyfriend', it hasn't even been 24 hours. This time yesterday he was being so loving.
I just want to clarify things as I totally wasn't clear about our situation. We are both going into our final year of college next year. This was just going to be a summer thing as we both live far away from the city and we both wanted to live in the city for the summer. So it was just for three months. There was no lease or anything as his friend owns the place, if I hadn't been able to get another job, I would have just moved home. But there was no financial stress really coming from my side as I also had a back-up part time job to sustain me rent and maintenance wise.

You still have the option of staying in the city if you wish. There are plenty of houseshares and rooms available for the summer months while people are away. I would advise you to do this, it would be a change of situation which would help you move on faster.

Boyfriend asked me to move out, too much too soon for him

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