Why do people still have expensive weddings?

BizzyC · 15-05-2013 09:52AM

I wouldn't put "cash only" on an invite, but I'd never consider not giving cash to someone.

How do you know what the couple need and also what other people are getting them?
Fair enough if they go the American route of registering a gift list with a shop, but no one over here does that.

15-05-2013 09:54AM

fishy fishy wrote: »

Oh please - are you seriously expecting people to believe that you never expected a present for anything - how weird. Were you surprised when they gave you dinner?

Also just because you get and expect birthday, christmas, wedding gifts does not make you spoiled - its the norm - you better get used to it. If you grew up never expecting a present or looking forward to a present for your christmas, birthday etc, then that's not your parents "not spoiling you" - that's your parents being horrible to you.

Have presents for occasions is not being spoiled, caving into peer pressure or keeping up with the joneses.

I think you have an issue to be honest - did you not get enough presents for your wedding and now you don't want anyone else to either?

Sorry it's so hard for you to believe, but no, I never expected presents. I knew I'd probably get something, but there were a couple of times when I got the tiniest token gift (my parents had me very young while my dad was still studying). I understood that my parents were a bit hard-up and still had a great Christmas and remember the dinner, relatives visiting, playing outside with the neighbours' kids, singing, etc. I wasn't too bothered about not having a bit of plastic I'd get bored with after a week. By the time I was in secondary school, my dad had qualified and was making a lot of money, but I didn't expect huge presents just because of that or because other kids got them.

I don't know how you think getting a certain amount of money for your 21st because 'everyone else does' isn't keeping up with the Joneses, but OK. And since you asked, I'm not married but I am engaged. I'm planning a wedding for next year and would never dream of asking for cash or anything else. Asking for money or presents is crass. If the guests want to/can afford to get me a nice gift or a large amount of money, great. If they can't, I'm not going to guilt them into it.

Shenshen · 15-05-2013 09:55AM

Kyra Echoing Cap wrote: »

When comparing with a wedding though I'd use my 21st and university graduation as these are big events I got 1000's for both of these between friends, my parents friends, relations and very generous gifts from a number of close family members.

:eek:

Seriously?

I think I got €50 in total for my 21st from my mother and grandparents, all my friends would actually have just given gifts, most of them home/handmade. I always appreciated the thought and time that went into those far more than any gift of money.

I don't think I got anything at all for graduation - why would you?

As for our wedding, my mother and my husband's parents insisted on giving us money (just under €1000 all together), and we told everybody else not to give us anything. We did receive some gifts (a homemade candle, a beautiful framed picture, a table lamp) and we obviously accepted these. We would have returned money from everyone but our parents, though.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 15-05-2013 09:55AM

If you can't afford a big wedding don't have one, this craic of borrowing and putting on a massive show is ridiculous. If you're having a party (wedding/21st) you shouldn't be inviting people on the back of hoping to make the cost back in presents.

fishy fishy · 15-05-2013 09:55AM

dub_skav wrote: »

Wedding dress, Check
Bridesmaids dresses, Check
Wedding ring, Check
Church service, Check
Reception in hotel, Check
Wedding cake, Check
Wedding band(s), Check

Fair play to you for being sensible and keeping the costs down, but you managed to get most of the elements of the dreaded "cookie cutter" wedding covered off.

I don't understand the disparaging attitude (not you by the way) towards everybody who got married in anything approaching a traditional way.

Everybody is free to do whatever they want for their weddings. Sure, writing "Cash Gifts Only" on invites is rude, but it is extremely rare and I think at this stage is reaching Urban Legend levels.
To have an expensive day and think that you might get some of it back in gifts is neither vulgar, nor unrealistic.

A lot of people really need to get over themselves

also, they may have "saved" money - but they made sure that their friends and family were worked to the bone for them.

fishy fishy · 15-05-2013 09:58AM

Greentopia wrote: »

Doubt I'll ever get married, not my thing, but if I did I certainly won't be doing the Big Fat Irish Wedding thing.
Spending obscene amounts of money on a single day like that is ridiculous IMO, but each to their own.

I went to a friend's wedding a few years ago that was great craic. Not the bog standard affair at all.

For a start the bride and groom got married in a field They're pagans and had a hand binding ceremony. Quite lovely it was actually.

Then they had 3 days of partying with about 200 guests in a marquee set up in the grounds of their parents house in the Wicklow countryside with various bands playing (many friends of theirs), circus acts for adults and the kids and lots of veggie food that you served yourself-bride and groom are both vegetarians.

Guests got one bottle of beer each, thereafter we had to either pay for additional alcohol or bring more ourselves. Fair enough I thought.

No money or gifts were expected but some did give gifts.

Everyone I spoke to said it was the best wedding they ever attended and the whole thing probably cost no more than €2000/3000.

No overpriced hotel with their cookie cutter wedding packages, no church, no meringue wedding dress, no dreadful tacky wedding bands, no expectation of expensive gifts or money.

Just everyone having a great time for 3 days or as long as they wanted to stay. Not the usual boring expensive crass affairs I've been to where I'd quite frankly would have had a better time staying home and cleaning my oven.

Probably had something to do with the fact that neither the groom or bride of the Pagan wedding were Irish now that I think of it... :pac:

did they all donate their services, food, marquees, drinks, bands, circus for free then? :roll eyes: Marquee's - you do know about Marquee's don't you? How they get put up, who puts them up, what they cost, insurance, etc.

15-05-2013 10:02AM

fishy fishy wrote: »

that could be because you may be a little sheltered and don't know what the "norm" is in the 21st century.

Going back to a point I made earlier - what do you think of American weddings where they do the "line" so that they can collect all their money presents as people are coming into the wedding - they even have a special "purse" for it. What do you think of jewish weddings where you have to pin wads of cash onto the bride and groom. Any comments on this at all or is it just the "irish" you have a problem with.

The more I read the more I realise that you probably come from the thinking of "if I can't or didn't have it, then I will put down anybody else that can have it". Still, you might be a little young yet and not fully grasping the "moving with the times" aspect of life.

Keep giving your tea sets and toasters - I'm sure the happy couples whose wedding you attend will be only over the moon.

I'm not sheltered. I've lived all over the world. I don't know what every Jewish wedding is like, but I've been to two and was not expected to pin wads of cash on anyone.

Keep implying I'm envious all you want, I really don't care. I grew up around plenty of rich people which is why I'm perhaps not as impressed by money as some people seem to be.

Never said I give tea sets and toasters, did I? I generally give cash at weddings and don't have a problem doing so unless they ask me to. It's the crassness of asking for a gift that gets to me. If I want to give you 100 quid, grand, but don't just assume I'll be getting you a gift and then dictate to me what it has to be.

And for whoever said 'cash gifts only' is an urban legend, I reckon 50% of the invitations I've received in the last few years have had that or something similar on.

fishy fishy · 15-05-2013 10:02AM

Alison Eager Bobsled wrote: »

Sorry it's so hard for you to believe, but no, I never expected presents. I knew I'd probably get something, but there were a couple of times when I got the tiniest token gift (my parents had me very young while my dad was still studying). I understood that my parents were a bit hard-up and still had a great Christmas and remember the dinner, relatives visiting, playing outside with the neighbours' kids, singing, etc. I wasn't too bothered about not having a bit of plastic I'd get bored with after a week. By the time I was in secondary school, my dad had qualified and was making a lot of money, but I didn't expect huge presents just because of that or because other kids got them.

I don't know how you think getting a certain amount of money for your 21st because 'everyone else does' isn't keeping up with the Joneses, but OK. And since you asked, I'm not married but I am engaged. I'm planning a wedding for next year and would never dream of asking for cash or anything else. Asking for money or presents is crass. If the guests want to/can afford to get me a nice gift or a large amount of money, great. If they can't, I'm not going to guilt them into it.

:D hilarious stuff. So you are getting married next year - you are on here lambasting people for giving/getting money for weddings and lo and behold you come up with "if guests want to give me money for my wedding then great" - how hypocritical of you. I think you should return the gifts money, etc and explain to them how you never expect presents or money gifts for anything - its all your treat.

and don't forget if one of your future guests "asks" you before the wedding if you would like a present or money - please make sure you say you could never accept anything from them at all as it would be vulgar. Tell them to donate it to charity instead.

15-05-2013 10:06AM

fishy fishy wrote: »

:D hilarious stuff. So you are getting
married next year - you are on here lambasting people for giving/getting money for weddings and lo and behold you come up with "if guests want to give me money for my wedding then great" - how hypocritical of you. I think you should return the gifts money, etc and explain to them how you never expect presents or money gifts for anything - its all your treat.

and don't forget if one of your future guests "asks" you before the wedding if you would like a present or money - please make sure you say you could never accept anything from them at all as it would be vulgar. Tell them to donate it to charity instead.

Bit of a logic fail there. Where did I say I hate presents and don't want to receive any? Oh wait, I didn't. I said I don't expect them. Nice try, though.

I'm sure people will ask me what I want and I'll tell them that anything is grand. They can get me cash, a present or nothing. I wasn't brought up to ask for gifts. Nice try, though.

dub_skav · 15-05-2013 10:10AM

Alison Eager Bobsled wrote: »

Sorry it's so hard for you to believe, but no, I never expected presents. I knew I'd probably get something, but there were a couple of times when I got the tiniest token gift (my parents had me very young while my dad was still studying). I understood that my parents were a bit hard-up and still had a great Christmas and remember the dinner, relatives visiting, playing outside with the neighbours' kids, singing, etc. I wasn't too bothered about not having a bit of plastic I'd get bored with after a week. By the time I was in secondary school, my dad had qualified and was making a lot of money, but I didn't expect huge presents just because of that or because other kids got them.

I don't know how you think getting a certain amount of money for your 21st because 'everyone else does' isn't keeping up with the Joneses, but OK. And since you asked, I'm not married but I am engaged. I'm planning a wedding for next year and would never dream of asking for cash or anything else. Asking for money or presents is crass. If the guests want to/can afford to get me a nice gift or a large amount of money, great. If they can't, I'm not going to guilt them into it.

Do you know what the word expect means?
This might explain all the bickering here, different interpretations of this word.

15-05-2013 10:13AM

dub_skav wrote: »

Do you know what the word expect means?
This might explain all the bickering here, different interpretations of this word.

In the context most people are using it, it means you expect to get X and if you don't, you'll be upset, to the extent that you'll actually ask for what you want. A feeling of entitlement.

Sittingpretty · 15-05-2013 10:13AM

I could never EVER imagine if someone had asked me what I'd like as a wedding gift saying "money".
Maybe it is an age thing, I'm 36 and grew up in the 80's well before the Celtic Tiger boom and before people were so outward with their sense of absolute entitlement.

fishy fishy · 15-05-2013 10:21AM

Sittingpretty wrote: »

I could never EVER imagine if someone had asked me what I'd like as a wedding gift saying "money".
Maybe it is an age thing, I'm 36 and grew up in the 80's well before the Celtic Tiger boom and before people were so outward with their sense of absolute entitlement.

wow, you're ancient - I could be your mother, but thankfully I have moved with the times and the reality is that people give money now, its the done thing - this "presents" mullarkey has gone out - that was fine for people in the olden days who never set up home before they got married. we are in the 21st century now. Money is the norm for a wedding gift - it gives the couple the freedom to do with it what they want.

In reality - couples don't "ask" for money - it is what is given. There is nothing wrong with expecting money from guests for your wedding day. People who are going blue in the face saying how crass and vulgar it is, also have no problem "receiving" it when it is their wedding. And trying to justify their confusion by posting on here that the wedding couple are asking people for money - Wrong!

fishy fishy · 15-05-2013 10:23AM

Alison Eager Bobsled wrote: »

In the context most people are using it, it means you expect to get X and if you don't, you'll be upset, to the extent that you'll actually ask for what you want. A feeling of entitlement.

I would say you should read the posts again izzy with an open mind this time and a little more chilled out. Nobody has actually said that in any post - if thats what you are thinking then maybe you should have a re-think. You have a bag of spuds on your shoulder I think.

15-05-2013 10:34AM

fishy fishy wrote: »

I would say you should read the posts again izzy with an open mind this time and a little more chilled out. Nobody has actually said that in any post - if thats what you are thinking then maybe you should have a re-think. You have a bag of spuds on your shoulder I think.

And maybe you could work on your logic skills.

Being happy to receive cash does not equal expecting and asking for cash.

Sittingpretty · 15-05-2013 10:34AM

fishy fishy wrote: »

wow, you're ancient - I could be your mother, but thankfully I have moved with the times and the reality is that people give money now, its the done thing - this "presents" mullarkey has gone out - that was fine for people in the olden days who never set up home before they got married. we are in the 21st century now. Money is the norm for a wedding gift - it gives the couple the freedom to do with it what they want.

In reality - couples don't "ask" for money - it is what is given. There is nothing wrong with expecting money from guests for your wedding day. People who are going blue in the face saying how crass and vulgar it is, also have no problem "receiving" it when it is their wedding. And trying to justify their confusion by posting on here that the wedding couple are asking people for money - Wrong!

We get it.

You had/will have/would have a wedding where you did/will/would ask for money as a gift. That's acceptable for you, fine. Not everyone agrees.

Again. I'm aware that giving money is the norm. Expecting or asking for it is where I have an issue.
I've always given money as a wedding gift. I haven't given gifts based on gifts I have received and I haven't accepted money as a gift since, probably, my 18th birthday.

Zoundz · 15-05-2013 10:39AM

I don't recall saying my wedding wasn't fairly traditional! It was!!! And as for working our friends and family to the bone - nice...

Hardly! They did the things they did because they wanted to - they offered because it was their way of giving us something (oddly enough, these are the people we didn't get any gift off - what they did for us was more than gift enough)...

xx

fishy fishy · 15-05-2013 10:47AM

Sittingpretty wrote: »

We get it.

You had/will have/would have a wedding where you did/will/would ask for money as a gift. That's acceptable for you, fine. Not everyone agrees.

Again. I'm aware that giving money is the norm. Expecting or asking for it is where I have an issue.
I've always given money as a wedding gift. I haven't given gifts based on gifts I have received and I haven't accepted money as a gift since, probably, my 18th birthday.

sitting pretty - nobody mentioned asking for cash or putting "cash only" on envelopes - except for izzy. I think Izzy brought it up to camouflage her bitterness/confusion over people who put cash towards their wedding expenses. Check back the posts and you will see.

people who get married and have weddings will and do expect to receive presents from guests - nowadays these presents come in the form of cash - gone are the tea sets, table linen, vases, and slow cookers - nowadays it's cash - there is nothing wrong with taking it for granted that people will give cash presents - I think only Izzy's friends writes "cash only" on their envelopes. But that doesn't say much for the crowd she hangs out with.

Sittingpretty · 15-05-2013 10:50AM

fishy fishy wrote: »

sitting pretty - nobody mentioned asking for cash or putting "cash only" on envelopes - except for izzy. I think Izzy brought it up to camouflage her bitterness/confusion over people who put cash towards their wedding expenses. Check back the posts and you will see.

people who get married and have weddings will and do expect to receive presents from guests - nowadays these presents come in the form of cash - gone are the tea sets, table linen, vases, and slow cookers - nowadays it's cash - there is nothing wrong with taking it for granted that people will give cash donations - I think only Izzy's friends writes "cash only" on their envelopes. But that doesn't say much for the crowd she hangs out with.

Seeing as how you also see fit to resort to personal criticism of another poster who has also tried to debate with you in a civil manner, I'm out.

This is pointless, you're like the Terminator only more rude.

dr.bollocko · 15-05-2013 10:51AM

mod:
Fishy fishy cut out the personal crap or be banned.

15-05-2013 10:51AM

fishy fishy wrote: »

sitting pretty - nobody mentioned asking for cash or putting "cash only" on envelopes - except for izzy. I think Izzy brought it up to camouflage her bitterness/confusion over people who put cash towards their wedding expenses. Check back the posts and you will see.

people who get married and have weddings will and do expect to receive presents from guests - nowadays these presents come in the form of cash - gone are the tea sets, table linen, vases, and slow cookers - nowadays it's cash - there is nothing wrong with taking it for granted that people will give cash donations - I think only Izzy's friends writes "cash only" on their envelopes. But that doesn't say much for the crowd she hangs out with.

It's mostly cousins and work colleagues who do the 'cash only' thing, I generally wouldn't be friends with the type to do that, but carry on with the personal digs.

fishy fishy · 15-05-2013 10:56AM

apologies dr. b

just trying to get the point across that receiving or expecting a wedding cash present is the norm in this day and age. Doesn't mean people are spoiled or have a sense of "entitlement" - which was thrown at a previous poster earlier.

dub_skav · 15-05-2013 10:56AM

To sittingpretty and Izzy Wizzy, you seem to be the ones conflating people saying it is OK to expect to receive some cash gifts and asking for money.

It's a straw man argument and can become tiresome.

Nobody has said it is okay to ask for money.

kylith · 15-05-2013 11:47AM

fishy fishy wrote: »

that could be because you may be a little sheltered and don't know what the "norm" is in the 21st century.

Going back to a point I made earlier - what do you think of American weddings where they do the "line" so that they can collect all their money presents as people are coming into the wedding - they even have a special "purse" for it. What do you think of jewish weddings where you have to pin wads of cash onto the bride and groom. Any comments on this at all or is it just the "irish" you have a problem with.

The more I read the more I realise that you probably come from the thinking of "if I can't or didn't have it, then I will put down anybody else that can have it". Still, you might be a little young yet and not fully grasping the "moving with the times" aspect of life.

Keep giving your tea sets and toasters - I'm sure the happy couples whose wedding you attend will be only over the moon.

Yep, I would call those sorts of weddings vulgar. I've only been to one wedding in the US, but I don't recall anything like that happening.

15-05-2013 11:59AM

fishy fishy wrote: »

this "presents" mullarkey has gone out - that was fine for people in the olden days who never set up home before they got married. we are in the 21st century now.

Isn't the very point of a wedding present, to give the happy couple a foot up in their new life.
If there is no need for that anymore. Maybe it's time to look at dropping the concept altogether.
Instead of tunneling ridculious amounts of cash into the hands of greedy wedding suppliers.

fishy fishy · 15-05-2013 12:04PM

Moonbaby wrote: »

Isn't the very point of a wedding present, to give the happy couple a foot up in their new life.
If there is no need for that anymore. Maybe it's time to look at dropping the concept altogether.
Instead of tunneling ridculious amounts of cash into the hands of greedy wedding suppliers.

most people have either lived together or are not living at home which means that they have most of the items they need already - why pile more stuff on that they don't need - hence the cash - let them get what they want out of it.

Re. the american weddings - its traditional to have a receiving line - it's what they do - they receive their guests before they eat and will also accept all the envelopes stuffed with cash - in fact, its not only jewish and american - its also italan, hindu and a lot of other countries. Don't know what the problem is with it myself. But it's definitely NOT an "irish" thing - and its not vulgar in the least.

fishy fishy · 15-05-2013 12:08PM

kylith wrote: »

Yep, I would call those sorts of weddings vulgar. I've only been to one wedding in the US, but I don't recall anything like that happening.

Having lived there I attended over a dozen weddings, probably closer to twenty - it's the done thing - nobody bats an eye - its not vulgar believe me .

they either do that or they have to pick a present of the bride/groom's choosing from a shop that the bride/groom selects - bride/groom makes a list of what they want in that shop and the guests must go to that shop to pick out one of the items they requested.

I'd prefer the money option myself - more freedom and you can give what you want.

15-05-2013 01:23PM

Alison Eager Bobsled wrote: »

I think it must be an Irish thing too. I lived in the UK until I was 11 and my mum is English and she would have laughed at me if I said I expected a grand for my 21st/graduation. I also had a party for my 21st where I received no presents or cash, just asked people to bring their own booze and snacks (fine by me, didn't expect any and I was on Erasmus so knew most of the guests were broke) and for my graduation, went out for a nice meal with my parents and that was that. Come to think of it, the only people I know who have asked for cash (or anything else) for their wedding have been Irish. I just find it weird and crass that you seem to be expected to throw loads of money around or be thought of as stingy.

The English are known to be stingy though when it comes to this sort of thing though. I remember a friend who got married a few years ago telling me she had friends back from England. Very well off bankers etc and some gave 30 and 40 pounds as gifts while lots of normal people from Ireland with no big incomes were giving 200 or 300 euro.

Sittingpretty wrote: »

You don't think it's crass to put "cash only gifts" on an invite :eek:

I said many times I wouldn't agree with actually writing it on an invitation. What I said is I would expect most people to give a cash gift nowadays as it makes the most sense.

15-05-2013 01:30PM

Kyra Echoing Cap wrote: »

The English are known to be stingy though when it comes to this sort of thing though. I remember a friend who got married a few years ago telling me she had friends back from England. Very well off bankers etc and some gave 30 and 40 pounds as gifts while lots of normal people from Ireland with no big incomes were giving 200 or 300 euro.

You call it stingy, I call it sensible. Big, flashy cash gifts aren't the norm in England and why would they be? I think it's ridiculous to give 200 or 300 euro as a gift when you're not on a high income. And you're not doing very well at making the point that people don't expect big cash gifts when you say your friend complained about how little she got from certain guests. Why would she feel the need to think about that, let alone broadcast it to her friends?

Shenshen · 15-05-2013 01:41PM

Kyra Echoing Cap wrote: »

The English are known to be stingy though when it comes to this sort of thing though. I remember a friend who got married a few years ago telling me she had friends back from England. Very well off bankers etc and some gave 30 and 40 pounds as gifts while lots of normal people from Ireland with no big incomes were giving 200 or 300 euro.

In all honesty, I wouldn't call that "stingy", just sensible.
My husband is English, his parents gave us money for our wedding as did my mother, but nobody else did. We wouldn't have expected anyone to give us money in the first place, and if anybody had tried to give us €200 we would have refused to accept this straight out.

The idea does seem to be fairly Irish from where I'm standing. That doesn't mean it may not also be the norm in some other countries I don't know about, but it certainly isn't in my home country nor in my husbands.

Why do people still have expensive weddings?

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