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Undiagnosed circle of hell.

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    #482
    Dr Silly Bollox MD
    Site Banned Posts: 256 ✭✭Dr Silly Bollox MD


    Did you ever go in to an A+E and have a chat with Docs there?


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    #483
    peann
    Closed Accounts Posts: 46 ✭peann


    About what? In general? I've been out there about 20+ times in the past few years.

    Have come down with a cold on top of everything else. I'm really just despondent at this stage. I can't believe how low I am. I've never seen depression like this in 30 years on this planet. I really just want to throw it all in, except I know the pain it would cause my family. I'm stuck - I'm forced to live a life I don't want to live anymore.


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    #484
    opinion guy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 11,001 ✭✭✭✭opinion guy


    Hang in there peann. I know things suck right now but it is temporary. Your cold will go and heartache will fade. As to the other stuff it's hard to say where it will go but you have to keep fighting!
    Also check out this thread if you havne't seen it - alot of support for people going through depression:
    http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056481009&page=212
    - folks there might know how to get help quicker.

    I also think - given how you are feeling at the moment - Dr Silly Bollox MD might have a point about the A&E. You can go in there and tell them about your current depression and ask to speak to a psychiatrist. Certainly when you are talking about throwing it all in - it might be alot better to talk to them


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    #485
    peann
    Closed Accounts Posts: 46 ✭peann


    The heartache is only getting worse. I'm so lonely. I could manage the heartache, or being ill. I can't manage both together - it's too much for me. I've nothing to look forward to in life. If my health was with me, I'd just piss off on a holiday and find a holiday romance or something to pick me up. But I'm so focused on getting better right now - it pains me to see any progress.

    She was literally the only thing that made me smile in the last 7 years - which is why it's so difficult to get over her company. The thought that I wasn't good enough for her, and another guy is has left me feeling really rejected, and has broken my already lacking confidence.

    All I have done is cry for 2 weeks. It's been 2 weeks since I was last with her and hugged her. Now all I have is my own thoughts, home alone... cold, tired, lonely and despondent. I want to make it clear - I'm not looking for sympathy on here. I'm just venting. I don't want to cry anymore. I'm a grown man and it's not normal to cry this much or feel this pathetic. I walk across roads without looking out for traffic, and that's so selfish of me. This is where I am right now. This is the culmination of 7 years of utter misery.

    I'm at rock bottom. I don't want to feel like this anymore.


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    #486
    amdublin
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 20,648 CMod ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    There's nothing wrong with crying. And sometimes it's needed as part of the process that you have to go through.

    I feel for you so much about the pain you are going through. The pain of heartache is incredibly painful.

    Do you mind me asking are you on any depression tablets?? Would it be worth discussing with you GP if a low dose would help you. It doesn't happen overnight, but after about three weeks the bad days seen less and the good days are more.

    But back to how you are feeling at the moment, is there anyone /a good friend you can talk with?

    Please plese stick with it. This too will pass.


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    #487
    peann
    Closed Accounts Posts: 46 ✭peann


    I've been chatting to my cousin over video-chat, and I have my friend... But she's flued up at the moment. I don't want depression tablets. It's a personal decision for me. I know it may sound stubborn, but I've seen the damage they have done to my friends who are now dependent on them. I need to beat this myself, and have some support around me.

    I played guitar and sang a few songs for my cousin on webcam to keep my mind occupied. I'm doing little things like that. When my mind is occupied I'm fine. But the moment I start thinking about my ex, it just goes downhill. I usually get most depressed when I wake up, and when I'm trying to go asleep. As soon as the day progresses and I find little things to occupy my mind, I'm not so bad.

    For someone who claimed to love me - she was quick to break contact with me. Love is a b*tch. Reminds me of a quote from Armageddon - Watched it today, gave me a chuckle.
    Karl: Sir, I'm retired navy, I know all about classified. But one more thing. The person who finds her gets to name her right?
    Dan: Yes, yes that's right, that's right.
    Karl: I wanna name her Dottie after my wife. She's a vicious life-sucking b*tch from which there is no escape.


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    #488
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    I long ago came across this thread and read it right through and have come back and checked it since and recommended to someone else with an undiagnosed circle of hell. I just wanted you to know that you are actually helping lots of people with this thread. Ive lurked but never posted until now, there are probably loads like me.

    Onto current issues. Breaking up is hard to do but you already have the answer. Stay busy. It just so happens Shawshank Redemption is on tv right now and there is a useful quote for you "Get busy living or get busy dying". You have a wonderful tenacity for living, as is evidenced by this entire thread!! You are having a tough emotional time right now, but its temporary, keep telling yourself that, this too shall pass.

    You have also correctly identified that emotional pain is so much worse than any physical pain, its so true, a positive mindset will get you through anything.

    I try to think about hard times like this, if there wasnt hard times, Id never fully appreciate the good times.

    Busy busy busy, do some physical exercise, get your body tired, read, listen to music, watch films etc to get your brain tired. Its all you can do while you wait for time to heal the broken heart. And pamper yourself, do things for yourself that you like doing.

    Mind yourself OP, I wish you all the best and will continue to follow this thread until the inevitable day comes when you say "thats it, Im healthy". Because that day will come for you.


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    #489
    peann
    Closed Accounts Posts: 46 ✭peann


    I really appreciate all the support. I've had a number of acts of kindness in private message over the months. I won't mention any names, everybody knows who they are. People have even offered to assist me financially... An American friend of mine randomly ordered supplements worth $60 for me without saying anything to me.

    I have the greatest friends (and anonymous friends) a guy could ask for. All I need is a break. That's all. A turn of good luck to get me back on the road towards my health. Like I said - I can manage heartbreak or poor health. I can't manage both. I spend most of my day daydreaming about what it would be like to have a happy life with health and my ex. I know it's unhealthy. It's a little comforting, until I snap out of it.

    This is all a work in progress. I don't feel too bad right now, but rest assured - when my mind is free of thought, the dark thoughts will creep in and the tears will follow.

    I'm going to push on with these 11 rounds of chelation to bring me to 50 rounds of ALA. I'm also going to add more supplements and a better diet to try and improve my immune system.

    End of June comes, and hopefully I'm in somewhat of a position to go to Lanzarote with my family. I need sunshine. I'm so pale, it's horrid looking. I look physically sick in the face.


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    #490
    MolBee
    Registered Users Posts: 128 ✭✭MolBee


    Hi peann - I've not explored this part of boards but I just had a read through some of this thread and had to comment after seeing how low you've been feeling.

    On the health side of things I think anyone with a chronic illness can empathise with the feeling that you can't carry on. Not because you don't desperately want to, but that you just can't hack it anymore. I know it. I'm 23 and I have been ill for a little over 5 years now.

    The past couple of months though things have been looking up and physically, I've been reminded what it's like not to have symtpoms 24/7 for the first time in years. Life can change so quickly, and with it your whole perspective on your life. The human body is a remarkable thing, and your health will be recovered. Your pro-activeness is great and very inspiring... it will pay dividends.

    With regards to your heartbreak... all I can say is 'this too shall pass'. I haven't dealt with things particularly well myself and have chosen not to let some people in for the fear of them hurting me and then not being able to deal with that emotionally on top of everything else, but that isn't at all ideal. You miss out on so much in life if you don't take the risk of loving. She has hurt you, but you will have other relationships that will be fulfilling and rewarding and beautiful.

    The hardest thing is giving practical advice for coping right now. Like you I opted not to take anti-depressants. I saw a number of councellors, who varied wildly in helpfulness. There are plenty of good ones out there so if you don't gain anything intitally, ask to see another.

    My brother helped me a lot at my very lowest ebb, not even by giving me advice or talking about my problems, but by being motivated, happy, funny, insightful, sitting down and watching movies with me, playing music together, talking about the world, just taking me out of my own head, allowing me to be my true self, even for only part of the day.

    I have found it important not to allow your own thoughts to madden you, and that involves not letting yourself become isolated.

    You sound like you have lots of people that you can sound off too, keep sounding off to them if that's what you have to do, even if you feel there's no point to it ultimately. And cry, dude, cry. The oldest therapy known to man and womankind.

    I'm so sorry if none of this has helped but seeing another in distress, what can you do but reach out...

    Your pain isn't forever. I know rationally you probably know that but just take each day at a time, it will ease.

    The sun will do the world of good too, nice dose of vitamin D, good food and new surroundings. I think it will lift your head immeasurably.


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    #491
    bhamsteve
    Closed Accounts Posts: 451 ✭✭bhamsteve


    peann wrote: »
    I don't want depression tablets. It's a personal decision for me. I know it may sound stubborn, but I've seen the damage they have done to my friends who are now dependent on them. I need to beat this myself, and have some support around me.

    Glad to see there is a more positive vibe from your posts tonight, the more active you can be the better you will feel.

    You are right that anti-depressants can have side effects for some people, but they can also be very effective for depression, especially in the short term to get people back on their feet. It's a personal choice what you think will work best for you, but if you are ever thinking of giving up on life they would be worth a try, even with the side effects they are preferable to a lifetime of misery or suicide.

    <snip>


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    #492
    peann
    Closed Accounts Posts: 46 ✭peann


    I drank lots of liqorice tea today. From what I understand, it raises cortisol levels - which is good for managing stress. I feel a bit more relaxed after speaking to my friend tonight. She said the most wonderfully simple thing to me - "You can do better." I've been beating myself up thinking I'd never replace my girlfriend, not giving myself enough credit. I was good enough to get her in the first place - so I must have been doing something right.

    I'll have my bad moments and my good moments. I just need to try stay positive. I'll give an update tomorrow with how I'm feeling. I'm conscious that I'm still very vulnerable, and there are lots of triggers still there that can remind me of her and bring me down.

    PS: I would be happy to try them. :)


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    #493
    bhamsteve
    Closed Accounts Posts: 451 ✭✭bhamsteve


    I tried liquorice before but I have high blood pressure already and it put it up too high :mad:
    You seem to be surrounding yourself with positive people which can only be a good thing.


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    #494
    peann
    Closed Accounts Posts: 46 ✭peann


    Thanks!

    Awake since 7am. Dreaming about her again. There's no escape... :(


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    #495
    bhamsteve
    Closed Accounts Posts: 451 ✭✭bhamsteve


    ain't nothing like a broken heart :(

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcZn2-bGXqQ


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    #496
    peann
    Closed Accounts Posts: 46 ✭peann


    Way too depressing for this hour of the morning :(


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    #497
    bhamsteve
    Closed Accounts Posts: 451 ✭✭bhamsteve


    peann wrote: »
    Way too depressing for this hour of the morning :(

    Sorry, I'll keep my moody music to myself :)


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    #498
    peann
    Closed Accounts Posts: 46 ✭peann


    It's ok :) Sorry, bit down at the moment.


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    #499
    tbh
    Closed Accounts Posts: 15,914 ✭✭✭✭tbh


    bhamsteve wrote: »
    Glad to see there is a more positive vibe from your posts tonight, the more active you can be the better you will feel.

    You are right that anti-depressants can have side effects for some people, but they can also be very effective for depression, especially in the short term to get people back on their feet. It's a personal choice what you think will work best for you, but if you are ever thinking of giving up on life they would be worth a try, even with the side effects they are preferable to a lifetime of misery or suicide.

    <snip>

    Hey Steve,

    I understand your intentions are good, but please understand that we can't allow medical advice on the board - this includes suggestions for supplements and offers to post. Thanks for your understanding.

    Peann - I'm following the thread dude. I wish I had some constructive advice. All i can say at the moment is the trite cliche - it does get better. It takes time tho. Keep fighting buddy, you've come too far to give up now.


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    #500
    peann
    Closed Accounts Posts: 46 ✭peann


    Thanks. Getting quite down now at the moment. Miss her. And while I know her cutting contact with me, and me with her is the best for me in the long run.. I feel thoroughly rejected that she hasn't bothered to drop me a line all week to even say hello. Not that it will ultimately help.


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    #501
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    peann wrote: »
    Thanks. Getting quite down now at the moment. Miss her. And while I know her cutting contact with me, and me with her is the best for me in the long run.. I feel thoroughly rejected that she hasn't bothered to drop me a line all week to even say hello. Not that it will ultimately help.

    It only prolongs the agony and wrecks the head. The least dysfunctional way to break up is a clean break. Its too painful to pick over the pieces and not helpful to either person.

    Its not about you (from her perspective), its about doing the best thing for herself.

    Get busy, keep the mind entertained.


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    #502
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Peann, I have never seen this thread before today but randomly fell onto it and I am so glad I have. I don't have a long term illness and have never posted on this thread before - however I, like many others, have had my heart broken. And it was awful. I will never forget it, even reading through your posts caused me to remember back to that time and I felt many of the emotions for a few seconds.

    From the sounds of it our stories are very similar. It was a long term relationship (4yrs) and my ex (I know for you even using the word ex now must feel awful) left me for someone else, who he proceeded to date for 2 years. I was devastated and the worst feeling of all is that you are not worthy of their love. It feels so unfair that they are not experiencing any of the heart ache. I truly know the pain you feel.

    But I have some consolation for you:
    1) Couples often have one serious break up but get back together and marry. But when the person you love disrespects you by leaving you for someone else you have to forget about this. I know this is hard for you but hear me out. I was so love sick, I took him back time and time again will he had 'the best of both worlds' if you know what I mean. I do not agree with cheating but I was so crazy with heart break that I was willing to forgive and forget for him, and because of this I made some of the biggest mistakes of my life which I really regret to this day. The more I let him take advantage of me and the more I kept him in my life (texting, ringing crying, etc) the more delirious I was becoming the the harder the heart break was. The minute I decided - no more, there is no future for me and this person he has totally disrespected me that the heart ache started to heal and I became 'sane' again.

    2) Because he left our relationship and started another relationship straight away he never went through the normal emotions after a couple break up, and because of this, he has NEVER gotten over me. He always has this 'what if' in his head. I meet him about once a year and he follows me around like a stupid puppy. The satisfaction. . . . Indescribable. I wouldn't look twice at him now.

    3)YOU WILL MEET SOMEONE WHO YOU WILL LOVE AS MUCH AS THIS WOMAN. I wish someone had roared this at me everyday when I was heartbroken. I was convinced that there was only 'one'. Trust me. You will meet a lovely woman in the future, you will get to experience the joy of falling in love again, and you will have a love for her that you won't believe is possible right now. Life goes on. Where you are at the moment is the worst bit. Just hang in there and I promise you IT WILL PASS

    Hope this helps. I would also say considering how low you are feeling, maybe reconsider your views on anti-depressants. You say you have seen others who now depend on them, but at least they are still here. Talk to your GP about it, they could start you on a low dose.


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    #503
    peann
    Closed Accounts Posts: 46 ✭peann


    Trying to stay busy. I'm stuck home alone now with nobody to chat to.


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    #504
    loveisdivine
    Registered Users Posts: 2,463 ✭✭✭loveisdivine


    I've not posted on this thread before but I have been following it. I dont have anything hugely constructive to say. But I just thought that if you're feeling a bit lonely why not put the radio on? Talk radio especially can be very soothing when you're feeling a bit lonely.


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    #505
    peann
    Closed Accounts Posts: 46 ✭peann


    I listen to Howard Stern quite a bit. I just need a friend to talk to I think to keep my mind occupied.


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    #506
    amdublin
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 20,648 CMod ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    Hey peann,
    Hope you're doing okay.

    Just a suggestion but might help you. Would you think about going to your local library for a potter everyday. You do the same stuff as at home - go online plus read up about your interests (but via books rather than the web!) and even though it's a quiet peaceful place it feels sociable IMO.
    ...might be of some help to you.

    Remember, you are just one person.
    And you're only HUMAN. Don't punish yourself for feeling down about the breakup, what you're going through is only natural.


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    #507
    peann
    Closed Accounts Posts: 46 ✭peann


    Very ill since last night. I'll get through this. Just want to focus on my health now - Nothing else matters.


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    #508
    peann
    Closed Accounts Posts: 46 ✭peann


    Popped into the doctors today - waiting for one more blood test result. Asked him to refer me to the immunology department in St. James - See how my immune system is responding and test for allergens. Hopefully between this, a gastrologist visit and the return to the endocrinologist - I'll find some sort of relief!

    I want to get my life back. I want to work. I want to travel. All I need is a break! I don't need to be 100% - But christ, give me something! :o


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    #509
    peann
    Closed Accounts Posts: 46 ✭peann


    Going to change my GP too - he just isn't proactive enough. I need someone to be more proactive.


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    #510
    bhamsteve
    Closed Accounts Posts: 451 ✭✭bhamsteve


    I hope you get back to good health, you've certainly be doing everything possible to achieve that. Can't fault your determination. When you get over this you will deserve a medal! Keep us updated.


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    #511
    peann
    Closed Accounts Posts: 46 ✭peann


    Thanks man - really appreciate it. Putting the heartbreak behind me now - Focusing on what's really important in life - my happiness and my health. All I can do is try my best. Very ill at the moment - nearly fainted earlier. Just going to rest up for the night and watch a film :)

    I really appreciate all the support you guys are giving me. It makes the difference. Especially when I'm alone and need a wee rant.


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