Friend is in toxic, manipulative relationship. How do I get her out?

Private Piles · 04-04-2013 11:21AM #1

Definitely need a bit of advice here! I won't bother going anonymous.
Bit of a long post, sorry.

I posted in the relationship forum not that long ago about a controlling and abusive relationship I was in myself. While my relationship was breaking up an old friend of mine was in a new relationship with a guy.

At this stage they have been together about ten months.

We have spent hours on the phone talking about controlling and manipulative relationships, I would be telling her about everything I put up with, and she would tell me about articles she had read online about controlling behaviours, etc.
The reason she had been reading up on it was because she felt her own boyfriend was displaying controlling behaviours....

After my ten years of hell, I finally have clarity and feel nauseous when I listen to her talk about him. He's not abusive, but he is manipulating her.

- He doesn't like her going out drinking, and it sounds like he sulks when she does.
- They moved in together after about 5 mins, but they moved to a small country town in the middle of nowhere. The both work in separate counties, so the idea was to be half way between for each of them.
- She never wanted to move to this town, but he told her there was no point in going on with the relationship if they didn't move in together.
- She keeps talking about feeling pressure, and getting frustrated and angry. (not like her at all!)
- She also said that she feels they have nothing really in common, they don't even like the same TV programmes.

Last weekend they had a huge fight when out for the night, when they got home, she smashed up her TV in a fit of rage. I've known this girl since she was about 12/13. This is NOT normal behaviour from her, I have never known her to fall out with anybody... EVER. She is always the life and soul of any situation you put her into, and is one of the funniest people I know.

But now when I talk to her on the phone, she sounds weak and really 'whingy', instead of seeing that the way this guy is making her feel is completely unacceptable, she is now starting to excuse it. Saying; 'well I do drink a bit too much' (which she doesn't really tbh) or 'well he has a lot of pressure on him' (this guy has a mortgage and a kid with an ex-fiance)

The biggest clue for me is the previous relationship this guy had, he has told my friend that his ex-fiance would freak out and throw things at him. People don't just throw things for no reason, they also don't smash up TV sets for no reason.

After the incident last weekend, she moved back home. She now wants to live at home and see him at weekends only. He doesn't seem to accept this and is saying again, that if she moves back home, it won't work out and he's just going to get on with his life.

He's leaving the decision entirely up to her, he shows no sign of negotiating with her, just a black & white choice. And all she keeps saying is 'but I miss him, I miss his kisses and cuddles, this feels so bad, it would be better to be with him'. It's like she is addicted to him.

Seriously, what the hell do you do now in this situation? We speak on the phone nearly every day, and I can't just let this happen to her. She's even starting to brush over details; like before I had a picture of him, I knew what he had said, his tone of voice when he said it, etc. But now I'm not getting any info or image of him from her, if that makes sense?

I've been gentle enough with her up until now, but have made sure never to agree with her on her belief, that she is in the wrong or that the relationship could work.

Somebody help me! How do I get through to her? Should I be a bit harsher?

- Also I'm right aren't I? It is a toxic relationship or am I being biased because of my own nightmare relationship?

Brego888 · 04-04-2013 11:43AM

You are being biased from your own previous experiences. You are only hearing one side to this story. She is an adult and needs to make her own decisions and or mistakes.
As a friend of course you need to listen and support her.
But you can't replay your life vicariously through her. Let her get on with it.

username123 · 04-04-2013 12:24PM

Brego888 wrote: »

You are being biased from your own previous experiences. You are only hearing one side to this story. She is an adult and needs to make her own decisions and or mistakes.
As a friend of course you need to listen and support her.
But you can't replay your life vicariously through her. Let her get on with it.

+1

Its very easy to see patterns everywhere based on your own experiences.

Certainly it doesnt sound like a nice relationship, but it sounds as though your friend has a lot of behaviour owning to do herself. Smashing things up - that is her own behaviour. She is responsible for doing that. I dont understand why his previous partner throwing things is any kind of clue to anything except the fact that he previously went out with someone who lost control of themselves in anger as well - perhaps he has a type?

No one made your friend move, she chose that herself. I dont see why you assume so strongly that she is not in the wrong sometimes - is she some kind of paragon of virtue? Dont forget that friends are one person in their friendships and sometimes a different person in their relationships.

Be there for her but let her make her own decisions.

Private Piles · 04-04-2013 12:32PM

Brego888 wrote: »

You are being biased from your own previous experiences. You are only hearing one side to this story. She is an adult and needs to make her own decisions and or mistakes.
As a friend of course you need to listen and support her.
But you can't replay your life vicariously through her. Let her get on with it.

Thanks for the reply Brego.

If I hadn't mentioned that I was in an abusive relationship and just pretend I couldn't possibly be biased...... Do you (or anybody else) think it's a toxic relationship though?

I haven't given her my opinion on it and I probably won't either, she asked a few times but I pretty much just go back over what she has told me and tell her that you shouldn't really feel that way in a relationship, and I try not to agree with her when she first complains about something and then excuses it.

Would that be the best thing to do though? That's what woke me up; when I would describe things that were going on and people would look at me as if I had two heads. Eventually you just start questioning it yourself.

I know another friend has said it to her direct a few months ago, that things aren't right. Her Dad also said at the weekend when she moved back home, that she would never be 100% happy if she stayed with him. And one of her sisters told her, she has turned from independent and fun into weak and withdrawn. I suppose that what makes me think I'm not necessarily being totally biased.

It sucks because this is how it starts, you start believing the criticism about yourself and doubting yourself, which is exactly what she is doing. And in a way this is her first 'proper' relationship, so she has nothing good to compare it too.

The main advice I keep giving her is to describe the situations to other people as well, not just me. I'm sure the answer is obvious to everyone but I'm genuinely confused! I don't want to be manipulating her decisions as well, but she does ask me for advice.

Private Piles · 04-04-2013 12:51PM

username123 wrote: »

I dont understand why his previous partner throwing things is any kind of clue to anything except the fact that he previously went out with someone who lost control of themselves in anger as well - perhaps he has a type?

Yes, sorry I didn't really explain what I meant there! He made her give up her different pastimes (she plays a few different sports) and he doesn't like her spending time with her family. There was a few weekends where she would want to go home to see her family and he wasn't having any of it.

She said he was putting her under pressure all the time, she couldn't go see her family at the weekend with out him sulking and making a big deal about it, and she was getting really frustrated and having these angry out bursts. It's not to excuse smashing a TV, but what I meant was that frustration like that builds up and comes out eventually, and it's source comes form somewhere, does that make sense?

And when the same can be said for his ex-fiancee, he starts sounding like the common denominator. But yes in fairness, that could be biased on my part though! I used to have violent outbursts like that, and to the outside world I looked like a crazy b/tch, but it was coming from being dominated and dictated to all the time.

Brego888 · 04-04-2013 01:15PM

Yes this doesn't sound like a very stable or healthy relationship. But I'd reiterate that she is an adult who is responsible for her own actions and the only one who is accountable for her decisions going forward.

I can sense your desperation to help your friend but you can't influence her on this one. Love is blind etc. . something you already have experience with.
Just be there for her when she asks for support and of course give her some objective advice if you can. But more so than offer advice, you need to encourage her herself to think of her options. Change is more likely to be realised if the person develops the solutions themselves.

This is not your responsibility to fix. It has to be up to her.

boomkatalog · 04-04-2013 01:27PM

Op, I know exactly where you're coming from but I don't think you should intervene.

I've been both best friends with a girl who's alcoholic, weed smoking boyfriend wouldn't let her even go to college lectures because he couldn't control her there. I've also been in a relationship with a guy who was literally so controlling that he had to OK what type of underwear I wore!

Recently a 'friend' cornered me when drunk and ranted about how my current relationship is 'toxic' and I'm obviously 'trapped', and she could tell because her ex was like that. She's very wrong, that came out of nowhere to me. Its the job of your girlfriends to listen to you b1tch and moan about your boyfriend if/when you need to. The fact that you have relayed all the negative things your friend has said to you back to her is probably why you're no longer getting info. More than likely she is paranoid that you're ignoring any positive things she says, and almost collecting evidence of how bad he is for her.

I have no idea if she's in a controlling relationship or not, nobody on here can know that given that we're only getting information from a third party. What I will say though is either way, she really needs a supportive friend right now, especially if her sister and father are already telling her he's bad news. You should try to be her neutral, supportive friend and if she asks for your opinion on the relationship, just say that she hasn't been very happy lately, and she needs to figure out why that is.

Private Piles · 04-04-2013 01:50PM

The fact that you have relayed all the negative things your friend has said to you back to her is probably why you're no longer getting info. More than likely she is paranoid that you're ignoring any positive things she says, and almost collecting evidence of how bad he is for her.

That's what I was afraid of actually.

You should try to be her neutral, supportive friend and if she asks for your opinion on the relationship, just say that she hasn't been very happy lately, and she needs to figure out why that is.

Cheers Boomkatalog, that's good advice.

wallycharlo · 04-04-2013 04:39PM

Private Piles wrote: »

... The biggest clue for me is the previous relationship this guy had, he has told my friend that his ex-fiance would freak out and throw things at him. People don't just throw things for no reason ...

I would not agree with that statement.

Would you even think twice about saying 'People don't just throw things for no reason' if it was a guy freaking out and throwing things at his girlfriend?

Private Piles · 04-04-2013 05:02PM

wallycharlo wrote: »

I would not agree with that statement.

Would you even think twice about saying 'People don't just throw things for no reason' if it was a guy freaking out and throwing things at his girlfriend?

True, good point.

I think take that particular statement from me as biased though, I was placing it along side my own experience. I would do things like that in fits of rage. But I do find people can take that high and mighty view of 'you're wrong if you throw something, break something ,etc', it's not always fair though. When you're being dominated and bullied by somebody it's enraging, and it all builds up.

If it was a story of a guy who was being bullied by a female and he lost it when it all got too much, and he threw a cup in a fit of rage, honestly I'd understand.

But anyway that statement was more about my own experience, in fairness I don't know anything about his ex-fiancee so can't say why she threw things!

I just know it's shockingly out of character for this particular girl to smash up a TV!

Stavro Mueller · 04-04-2013 11:10PM

The answer to the question you ask in the subject line of this is "nothing". The only person who can leave the relationship is your friend and she has to want to do it herself. Her father, her sister and another friend have told her what they think of the situation so I don't believe you joining the chorus of disapproval will achieve anything. In my opinion, it's far more important that you keep the lines of communication open and that she feels she can still confide in you. It is worrying that your friend has felt on occasions that she can't go home to visit her family. The danger is that she could become isolated from her family and he friends.

DeltaWhite · 05-04-2013 02:55PM

I have a friend who is an absolute train wreck when it comes to relationships, she hasn't been single in 12 years because she hops from one relationship to another. They all end really badly! She was in one relationship a few years ago and she kept ringing me crying saying your man had physically attacked her on several occasions, she had never mentioned any of these occasions until it ended and I just found out a while ago that she made it all up just to finish with him and hopped into bed with some new dude..
I'm not saying your friend is lying at all, what I am saying is, I've known my friend 22 years and I've gotten involved so many times in her bad breakups which are still happening to this day. I wouldn't get involved if I were you. She's an adult - let her make these mistakes herself, she'll find out sooner or later that she isn't living in paradise with her OH. By all means be there for her, but in my experience a lot of people usually don't listen to good advice and need to find out for themselves!

Friend is in toxic, manipulative relationship. How do I get her out?

Comments