My sister (also bridesmaid) decides she cant afford to come to our wedding.

I have 4 sisters and would be devastated if one of them couldn't make my wedding. If it was one of their weddings I would beg , borrow or steal (not literally steal ) to be there for them especially if I knew a year in advance.

I'm so surprised that people think its no big deal if your sister cant make it to your wedding (when she's been involved in planning all along and has had dresses bought for her) The poor OP - I think its very sad - not that I have any advise to give either - just to say I agree with you that declaring your love in front of family and friends is what a wedding is all about (thats what I think anyway) - Ive never thought of a wedding invitation as a summons and have absolutely loved every wedding Ive been to (civil or church) but maybe Im lucky to have been invited to weddings of people I really love!!

yes it is fine and perfectly acceptable not to pay for rooms. I think people are making these suggestions in case it would help your sister's situation (if it's true) and thus help her attend your wedding.

I'm Irish but live in the UK and your sister can choose to make this as inexpensive or as expensive as she chooses really. I do think as her sister then you are obliged to pay for her accommodation for the night of the wedding. When we got married I paid for dress, hair, makeup, shoes, hotelroom and for a meal out the night before etc. This is what you do for your bridesemaid so that's one cost that is alleviated for her. Only the night of the wedding though or the night before.

I would then personally (you) do up a rough budget of what it would cost for a. her to come to the wedding on her own for a night or two and b. the cost of the whole family to come for a few days. The ferry companies offer next-to-nothing deals in September as the kids have gone back to school so they should be able to get a good deal. (EDIT: I've just done a search and the cost of 2 adults and 4 children PLUS a large motorhome costs stg£400 all in from 19th to 23rd Sept).....I'm such a nerd :cool:

I think you then go to your sister and show her you have done the maths and how much it will cost then it will quickly become apparent if money is the real issue at hand here. You said her usual lady for dogsitting won't be available. That to me sounds like an excuse. Kennels doesn't have to be the option, the Brits bloody love their dogs, she'd have no end of people willing to help so that seems a bit of to me.

I think what she is doing is incredibly hurtful and you do deserve to know what her reasons are. If she can't genuinely afford it (although I think she should come on her own if that's the case) then you have to respect that. Her financial woes are not your problem and you wouldn't want to put her in a position where they end up in debt for your wedding and any reasonable person would feel the same. She should have planned for it though.

If on the other hand you present the sums and the next weekend they are off to Claridges for lunch while still pleading poverty then it goes deeper than that unfortunately. That's a whole different kettle of fish and one far more complex than any conjecture on a wedding forum can even poke a stick at.

I do think that you need to have this out with her in as calm and as reasonable a fashion as possible and then respect her decision. If she decides then not to go however I wouldn't really be involving her in the wedding at all, and that goes for the hens etc too. She should be there for you and if for any other reason than financial that she can't be given carte blanche to let you down and then get involved in all the festivities without getting up of her arse to attend.

On a final note I feel very sorry for you. I'm really close to my siblings and if one of them did this I'd be absolutely heartbroken and desperately hurt. I suggest a Skype chat asap so you can have a face-to-face (or next best thing) honest discussion about this as soon as possible. If you are that close then it may be her husband who is raising the objections so try and have that chat when the kids are at school/bed and he's not around.

Really hope it works out for you xx

loveisdivine wrote: »

No news yet. My dad is going to pop round to hers anyway and he said he would bring it up with her while the kids and husband are not there.

I did speak to her in the meantime about something else and she didnt mention anything else about what they were doing.

Offering to pay for the room may be the next step. I honestly dont think it will make a difference to them though, look at it like this -

She says attending the Saturday wedding will cost them at least £1250 (her exact words) but that attending just the civil ceremony and flying back the same day will only cost them a third of what the Saturday would cost. I really dont see how me offering to pay for the accommodation, which is €115 will really make a difference.

And if I offer to pay for their room, then I would feel like I have to offer to pay for the other bridesmaids room. That means I've to spend another €200 in total. It wouldnt be fair that the other bridesmaid has to pay, just because she didnt threaten to not come because of the cost.

Edit - Just for context, the £1250 apparently includes flights, accommodation, food, car hire, passports for the kdis (they are about to expire) and outfits for my nephew and BIL. Oh and kennels for the dogs.

So you are heartbroken that your sister won't attend, but not heartbroken enough to pay 115 Euros?

I suspect there is a lot more to this story.

Merkin wrote: »

When we got married I paid for dress, hair, makeup, shoes, hotelroom and for a meal out the night before etc. This is what you do for your bridesemaid so that's one cost that is alleviated for her.

Agree dress, hair and make up should be paid for, and shoes if you're making them get a certain pair, but hotel room? Don't agree with that. ..one of my BM's actually had the cheek to say "Oh my family think it's bit strange the way you aren't paying for our rooms...." Yeah, GTFO!

I think what she is doing is incredibly hurtful and you do deserve to know what her reasons are

Indeed incrediby hurtful, I'm flabbergasted at the number of people here who are telling the OP to "deal with it" - I would be raging if my sister couldn't make my wedding after agreeing to be my BM! Bloody hell!

On a final note I feel very sorry for you. I'm really close to my siblings and if one of them did this I'd be absolutely heartbroken and desperately hurt.

+ 1. This would be a problem I would never even had envisaged, purely because I know my family would be there for me. Your sister is being a complete cow tbh and piling unneeded stress on you. If she can't be honest in her reasons for pulling out, I would find a new bridesmaid now and cut her loose. God, I am so angry on your behalf!

ronjo wrote: »

I really dont understand why she cannot come on her own??

You mentioned that she doesnt like leaving her husband alone with the kids I think
but surely this is the obvious compromise.

Totally agree the sister should come over on her own and enjoy herself.

ronjo wrote: »

I am sorry for dwelling on this but what on earth does this mean??
Does he have some handicap (and I am not being smart) that means he cant look after his children on his own for one night?

It absolutely reeks, what a rubbish excuse