My sister (also bridesmaid) decides she cant afford to come to our wedding.

Cushie Butterfield · 20-02-2013 05:03PM

loveisdivine wrote: »

Ok so i just spoke to her there.

Send her a link to this thread.

Corkbah · 20-02-2013 05:05PM

Sadderday wrote: »

Her sister is her bridesmaid. That was my point when I mentioned subsidising it. You arent going to fork out for every single person attending. but when your bridesmaid sister says she cannot afford it, you would most likely cover her costs and that of the flower girls etc etc

read your own earlier post ... its different to the one above.

Sadderday · 20-02-2013 05:05PM

listen you cannot guess why she won't attend. You cannot presume that she has the cash for this either so that could be the issue. there could be something else going on.

Either way, if she doesn't want to attend you cannot make her. With all due respect you haven't invited your mother (for whatever reason) so it's not exactly like she will be the only one missing from your family missing on the day.

You have to allow for people cancelling, get yourself another bridesmaid, make a bad situation good for the sake of an easy life and a happy day.

Sadderday · 20-02-2013 05:12PM

Corkbah wrote: »

read your own earlier post ... its different to the one above.

My opinion differs from the OPs situation. If it were me getting married in Sept I would ensure that if I were inviting people from abroad I would save my a'ss off until I could make it an easy, enjoyable day for my guests. Meaning I would organise a bus from church - reception for guests, subsidise rooms & foreign travel if neccessary.

Why would I plan a wedding knowing my nearest and dearest would struggle to pay to make it on the day. I wouldnt expect my grandparents to fork out travelling from abroad to see me get married, I would send an airline voucher. If your making a wedding a family thing you need to allow for it. However, its about the two getting married so nothing to get miffed over if you make an effort to subsidise and people still cannot go.

Bridal party especially should be catered for in your agreement.

D3PO · 20-02-2013 05:12PM

Sadderday wrote: »

listen you cannot guess why she won't attend. You cannot presume that she has the cash for this either so that could be the issue. there could be something else going on.

.

when said person has just spend 2 grand on a puppy you can assume she has the cash for this. Either that or she spend all her money on a puppy as it was more important to her than her sisters wedding ...

its one or the other. Eitherway it shows a distinct lack of respect for a sibling. Its one thing not wanting to go its completly another to disguise this with some BS that you cant afford it.

Sadderday · 20-02-2013 05:19PM

D3PO wrote: »

when said person has just spend 2 grand on a puppy you can assume she has the cash for this. Either that or she spend all her money on a puppy as it was more important to her than her sisters wedding ...

its one or the other. Eitherway it shows a distinct lack of respect for a sibling. Its one thing not wanting to go its completly another to disguise this with some BS that you cant afford it.

People bs about their spending all the time firstly. It's her sisters cash secondly. Broke after spending the 2k thirdly, whatever...

I'm not defending the sister, I'm saying cost is a possible factor, besides look without being harsh if she doesn't want to go for whatever reason are you gonna force her or just get on with it?

You can express your feeling on it but at the end of the day, sh'it happens, make the best of it.

D3PO · 20-02-2013 05:26PM

No if she doesnt want to go then she doesnt want to go but she should at least have the decency to say it. Rather than a completly unplausable excuse.

I still think not being assed going to your sisters wedding is morally reprehensible if you are actually on reasonable or better terms with them, that said you can chose your friends you cant choose your family.

Sadderday · 20-02-2013 05:33PM

Yeah fair enough but how do you know she hasnt the cash? That is plausable. Its the kind of thing people are embarrassed about these days in fairness.

She might not be arsed, but my brother wasnt arsed for mine and didnt come (even though I had subsidised accomodation for him plus one etc)... not gonna hold it against him, I'd rather he didnt sit there all day for my sake with a mush on him cos he didnt want to be there. It would have spoiled it for me.

I sent photos and he sent vouchers. what more can you expect. he didnt have to be there to wish me well, sometimes you just have to respect it, let it go or bottle it up.

People give excuses to spare feelings whether its right or wrong. look at it that way. May be better than saying 'I really just couldn't be bothered, it's so much hassle for me on your big day'

loveisdivine · 20-02-2013 06:12PM

Maybe there could be some financial obstacle that I am not aware of. It would surpise me that she wouldnt tell me, but its not impossible.

I'd also be surpised if she just didnt want too as we are so close. But again its not impossible.

It wont ruin my day and I wont "stress" over it for an undue amount of time.

I'm just a little disappointed/confused. If she had said this at the beginning of the process, I might have felt differently.

I guess all I can do now is offer to give a financial contribution. If she accepts then great. If she doesnt then she probably really doesnt want to come.

Electric Sheep · 20-02-2013 06:23PM

loveisdivine wrote: »

I understand its a lot of money for people to spend. I also understand if some people cant make it for money reasons. Its different because its my sister though. And because she's only saying it now, after we have bought her dress and my neice's are excited to be flower girls.

I wouldnt have anyone else's kids as flower girls. Its not really a traditional wedding and I was only having flower girls because I wanted them to be involved somehow.

Unfortunately as literally all of my family live in England I can't afford to subsidise all their travel and it would be unfair to pay for some people and not others.

Wouldn't it have made more sense to have the wedding in England under the circumstances?

pwurple · 20-02-2013 06:25PM

westies4ever wrote: »

very 'bridezilla' post. bit scarey in fact!

I don't agree with this at all. I invited family from abroad to my wedding... aunts and uncles etc. Some came along, some didn't. I paid for their food, drink and entertainment.

I have gone to weddings in the UK, france, africa, all over the place. I've never ever had a bride or groom pay, or even offer to pay for my transport. Nor would I expect it. I've never heard of this.

I don't think it's bridezilla-ish in the slightest to not consider paying for all your guests transportation. It's absolutely not the norm to do so.

Electric Sheep · 20-02-2013 06:26PM

D3PO wrote: »

Saaderday and others who say dont get annoyed if somebody cant travel from abroad due to cost, I agree in general BUT this is an exception to the rule.

Saying you cant afford it is a reasonable reason fair enough, but saying you cant afford it after shelling out on a new motor home and 2 grand on a dog when you only live in engalnd quite simply is BS (again assuming no recent big life changes like a redundancy etc)

The OP's sister is basically saying Im happy to shell out 2 grand on a dog but Im not assed spending a few hundred quid to go to your wedding. When somebody puts a dog before their sister theres something seriously wrong with the situation.

It's not the OP's business if the sister has other priorities for her disposable income.

Electric Sheep · 20-02-2013 06:29PM

pwurple wrote: »

I don't agree with this at all. I invited family from abroad to my wedding... aunts and uncles etc. Some came along, some didn't. I paid for their food, drink and entertainment.

I have gone to weddings in the UK, france, africa, all over the place. I've never ever had a bride or groom pay, or even offer to pay for my transport. Nor would I expect it. I've never heard of this.

I don't think it's bridezilla-ish in the slightest to not consider paying for all your guests transportation. It's absolutely not the norm to do so.

It IS bridezillaish, though, to assume that everyone you invite is going to use up their vacation days and disposable income to attend your wedding. It is an invitation, not a summons.

leanonme · 20-02-2013 06:38PM

Electric Sheep wrote: »

It IS bridezillaish, though, to assume that everyone you invite is going to use up their vacation days and disposable income to attend your wedding. It is an invitation, not a summons.

It Might be briezillaish to assume that everone you invite is going to use up their vacation days and disposable income to attend your wedding, but on this topic the op stated that her sister had helped to choose her brides maids dress, had agreed to be bridesmaid, and agreed to have there children involved in the wedding and organised dresses, and has not said that they might not be able to go. This is noting outher than selfishness, it is one thing to state from the start that you can not go, or at least decline a role of bridesmaid if you think you may not be able to go.

You dont agree for this role, pick out dresses, (have the bride spending money on you) then spend your cash as dogs etc, and then decide you can not aford to go to your only sisters wedding.

Corkbah · 20-02-2013 06:41PM

Electric Sheep wrote: »

It IS bridezillaish, though, to assume that everyone you invite is going to use up their vacation days and disposable income to attend your wedding. It is an invitation, not a summons.

The bridezillaish comment was made about my comment in response to a person saying that the bride and groom should subsidise the bridesmaid(sister) so they can attend because they are travelling from abroad....something which I disagree with !!

but the point that has also been made is that the sister has allegedly spent loads of money on items but then claims to not be able to afford going to the wedding due to money.

As I said earlier ... for a wedding, you send out your invites, if people can make it they will, if they can't (for whatever reason) ...then its their loss.

its bad form if someone was asked to be a bridesmaid and accepts and then with a few months to go the person effectively backs out citing money as the reason.

99% of the time you would expect a sibling to attend a wedding - especially if they have a role/function in the wedding - in this case ...we've discovered the 1%

u_c_thesecond · 20-02-2013 06:42PM

When i got married last year my sister in england didnt come. She had 2 years notice to save, She Had free place to stay and lifts to and from the ferry.

Then a month before the wedding text me and asked me could her new boyfriend come and i said no because i wasnt having a stranger at my wedding when i had cut actual family members to trim numbers(and had already had to deal witha pile of crap from family about it)

Then the day she was due to come down- all i got was a text "Not coming Cant afford it "

Then I found out she had text my sister the week before and said "If hes not allowed go im not coming"

And you know what-I didnt even cop her missing on the day.Believe me you will have other things goin on that day you wont even think about it. Just dont get worried about it because you will have enough to be thinking about.

D3PO · 20-02-2013 06:54PM

Electric Sheep wrote: »

It's not the OP's business if the sister has other priorities for her disposable income.

I never said it was, but that doesnt mean she hasnt a reason to be dissapointed that her sister would rather spend disposable income on material things than to celebrate with her only sister whom by all accounts she is on good terms with.

ah sure its only a family day out. Sure she may aswell not bother her arse going to her funeral in the future whenever that awful day comes. :rolleyes:

leanonme · 20-02-2013 07:10PM

Electric Sheep wrote: »

Wouldn't it have made more sense to have the wedding in England under the circumstances?

Why would it make more sense. The op said her family live in England, never said where her partners family live. Never stated how long she is living her, so maybe she sees here as her home.

And under what circumstances, the sister of the op had agreed to travel to irl for the weddings, concidering she had helped to pick out her brides maid dress, so there was no problem or money worries were not mentioned ontill the op spent all her money on a dog and a mobile home thing.

Electric Sheep · 20-02-2013 07:16PM

leanonme wrote: »

Why would it make more sense. The op said her family live in England, never said where her partners family live. Never stated how long she is living her, so maybe she sees here as her home.

And under what circumstances, the sister of the op had agreed to travel to irl for the weddings, concidering she had helped to pick out her brides maid dress, so there was no problem or money worries were not mentioned ontill the op spent all her money on a dog and a mobile home thing.

I think what often gets lost in these debates is that while the wedding might be the most important thing in the world to the couple getting married, to the rest of the world it is a pretty minor matter. Best to get over it and move on.

leanonme · 20-02-2013 07:21PM

Electric Sheep wrote: »

I think what often gets lost in these debates is that while the wedding might be the most important thing in the world to the couple getting married, to the rest of the world it is a pretty minor matter. Best to get over it and move on.

I agree with you on that fact, but i also believe that it is completly wrong of her sister to accept a role of brides maid, and allow her kids to be flower girls etc, for her to pick out dresses, allow them to be paid for in her size etc, and then decide that she can no longer aford to come. She should have voiced her concerns over money before agreeing to be brides maid and allowing the op to buy dresses etc.

Corkbah · 20-02-2013 07:22PM

Electric Sheep wrote: »

I think what often gets lost in these debates is that while the wedding might be the most important thing in the world to the couple getting married, to the rest of the world it is a pretty minor matter. Best to get over it and move on.

to the rest of the world ??? of course ..... but im sure the *two families involved see it as something more than a minor matter.

*= depends on individual peoples opinion of course.

RacoonQueen · 20-02-2013 07:26PM

My sister originally wanted to get married overseas. Both families would have incurred massive expense to watch her get marrie. Including about a week off work, 3 dogs in kennels for me etc...

Why should we have to fork out that sort of cash cos she wants to get married abroad?

ballsymchugh · 20-02-2013 07:27PM

eh, just wondering, maybe your sister is up the duff? doesn't want to tell anyone because she's not 3 months etc, and baby may be due in sept?

Electric Sheep · 20-02-2013 07:46PM

leanonme wrote: »

I agree with you on that fact, but i also believe that it is completly wrong of her sister to accept a role of brides maid, and allow her kids to be flower girls etc, for her to pick out dresses, allow them to be paid for in her size etc, and then decide that she can no longer aford to come. She should have voiced her concerns over money before agreeing to be brides maid and allowing the op to buy dresses etc.

Does the bride still pay for the bridesmaid dresses? I thought that went out years ago.

Electric Sheep · 20-02-2013 07:47PM

Corkbah wrote: »

to the rest of the world ??? of course ..... but im sure the *two families involved see it as something more than a minor matter.

*= depends on individual peoples opinion of course.

Apparently not, or the sister/bridesmaid would be attending.

leanonme · 20-02-2013 08:11PM

Electric Sheep wrote: »

Does the bride still pay for the bridesmaid dresses? I thought that went out years ago.

Any of my family wedding the bride paid for the dress and shoes if she wanted them to be in matching shoes etc.

Electric Sheep · 20-02-2013 08:31PM

leanonme wrote: »

Any of my family wedding the bride paid for the dress and shoes if she wanted them to be in matching shoes etc.

Well, then, I can understand why the OP would be miffed! To have the bride fit and pay for a bridesmaids dress and two flower girl dresses, and then be told at short notice that they would not be attending. That is just rude. So now bride had to find, fit and pay for another whole set of dresses for a whole new wedding party.

I thought it was like in the US, where the bridesmaids pay for the outfits, throw the wedding shower, etc themselves. Often being a bridesmaid can end up so expensive that even close friends have to refuse on financial grounds.

Babooshka · 20-02-2013 08:45PM

:pac:

leanonme wrote: »

I agree with you on that fact, but i also believe that it is completly wrong of her sister to accept a role of brides maid, and allow her kids to be flower girls etc, for her to pick out dresses, allow them to be paid for in her size etc, and then decide that she can no longer aford to come. She should have voiced her concerns over money before agreeing to be brides maid and allowing the op to buy dresses etc.

Exactly! reverse the situation, say that the bride and groom decide 2 months before the wedding...eh, sorry, we're cancelling the wedding, we didn't realise it would be this expensive on us...They have family and friends booked onto flights travelling from overseas etc, but it's ok, cos stuff happens in life...eh I don't think so, they'd be bollicked from a height by all and sundry forevermore, and rightly so.

Same goes for committing to being a bridesmaid, playing an important role in someone's wedding shouldn't be committed to if you're not going to commit to it. If the sister had any doubts from day one, it would have been fair enough to say "I'm flattered you asked but can we decide closer to the time when we work out our expenses etc. - after all, you're my sister, I wouldn't want to back out on you"...not rocket science, just consideration for people is all. No one is asking for the sun, moon and stars when they ask their family to be at their wedding. Some people shout "Bridezilla" at brides at the drop of a hat, when it's not warranted and not fair. **We're not all psycho bitches, you know :P:P

**most of the time that is!

Babooshka · 20-02-2013 08:46PM

Electric Sheep wrote: »

Does the bride still pay for the bridesmaid dresses? I thought that went out years ago.

It depends on the bride! I am paying for mine, and her hair and make up, and her room the night of the wedding. (aren't i wonderful?!!!)

pwurple · 20-02-2013 09:27PM

Electric Sheep wrote: »

It IS bridezillaish, though, to assume that everyone you invite is going to use up their vacation days and disposable income to attend your wedding. It is an invitation, not a summons.

It would be except the poster being responded to did nothing of the sort. They said " they have been told many months in advance of the wedding where and when its on so its upto them to figure out their finances and either choose to attend or not."

How is that a summons?

Total bitchiness calling someone a bridezilla for behaving perfectly normally.

My sister (also bridesmaid) decides she cant afford to come to our wedding.

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