My sis is a bitch towards me or is she?

shinesun · 02-02-2013 11:00PM #1

I don't know but it has been affecting me the last while.
She ignores me at family occasions or events where the family will be.
If she had no choice, she would sit down beside me for a second and then run off.
She would sit with my other sisters though and talk away to them for a while.
She does have a good job, teacher and is pretty but it's like she thinks she is better than me or something. She knows she looks good too and is very confident and she does think is better than the whole family even though we all grew up in the same house and by no means posh!
She talks away to me normal if there was no occasion and we are on our own. It's like she does not want to be seen talking to me where there are relations/ friends etc.
At a event rec, and there was karoake, she runs up after my bro and has to sing with him. He is rec married and since she has become slightly obessed. She was never close to him before the sis law came on the scene.
Anyway, I asked her, would she get up to sing with and she was like no straight away, you can go up on your own! I would not have minded if she had said no, I've already been up but it was def bitchy the way she said it.

Maybe I been over sensitive but it's just the way she goes out of her way not to talk to me.
My sis in law does not like me ( just too diff, I'm quiet, she loud, believe me, I've tried!) and I really think that because she doesn't that my sis can't talk to me either. My sis loves that my sis in law does not like me. This is something she thrives on and would smile about it.
She be running over to sis in law and talk to her at events for ages too.
We live in diff counties so don't live at home.
If there was family photos also, she would have to make sure she is not standing beside me. I don't understand why she is a bitch towards me and she prob always has been but its only rec it has become more obvious.

We were never extremely close but never would I go out of my way to ignore her or anyone. I always make sure everyone is included in everything.
I just think its an awful trait to be bitchy. I did try to convince myself that she does not realise she is doing it but she def does.
I don't know how to deal with it, prob just continue on as normal. She would not notice anything anyway cos she does not talk to me only a few sentences maybe.

Any advice?

afterglow · 03-02-2013 12:44AM

Hi Shinesun

if I was you, I would maybe text her and ask her to meet for a coffee or something, I don't know if that is something you would normally do, but if its not, then ask her to meet in a way that you normally would, and then just sit down and have a chat with her. Ask her why, or if there is a reason why she is not talking to you. I know it is hard to be open and honest about feelings especially with family members, but if this is really bothering you which it sounds like it is from your post then this is what I would do. If she persists in telling you that she doesn't have a problem with you, and with talking to yu at events etc, then unfortunately there is nothing more you can do and you will have tried.
hope this helps even a little
Good luck!

shinesun · 03-02-2013 08:01AM

Thanks, there would be no point, she would say everything is grand and proceed to tell my sis in law, friends, neighbours, anyone and more than likely I think it would only make it worse.

I thought when ppl got older that they had more cop on but with her and in fact her husband , they are def using bullying tactics on me by ignoring any effort I make. They know they can cos I won't say anything back as I'm quiet.

Suppose I'll just have to grin and bear it and avoid being at home when their there and only see them at events when I have to. Just have have great time at it with my other sisters:)
It's awful though, that can dictate this but I suppose if I remove myself from the situation, I won't get hurt as much.!

Meant to say, this behaviour has only come on a about 3 years ago, when the sis in law came on the scene. They never acted like this before then.

Stavro Mueller · 03-02-2013 11:59AM

Just because this woman is your sister doesn't mean she's automatically going to like you. I've seen some threads in here from people who are in roughly the same situation as you. There was one woman whose parents can't even mention her name when her sister goes to visit them because she goes mad. The point I'm making is that it does happen that you can end up with siblings who genuinely don't like you or even hate every atom of your being. It might not even be any one thing that you've ever done. For some of these people, just living and breathing is enough of a reason.

My advice to you is to stop attempting to have a relationship with this sister of yours. She couldn't make it any clearer through her actions that she dislikes you intensely. She probably has for quite a while and that is unlikely to change. So cut down contact to a minimum. Don't let these people bully you though. I don't know what form this bullying is taking but I hope you'll stand up for yourself. Accept that there are some people in your family (incl. inlaws) who are bad eggs and don't get involved with them. Just because some of this bullying behaviour has only materialised in recent years means nothing. They've just discovered that they're kindred souls

shinesun · 03-02-2013 05:55PM

Thanks , I will def keep my distance from her from now on.
Typing it makes me realise why I did I bother making any effort at all.

Abi · 03-02-2013 08:35PM

I know she's your sister, but she doesn't sound nice at all. If she talks to you on your own and completely ignores you at functions she's basically two faced. You don't even come on her radar if anyone else is around, and she's full of her own self importance.

Honestly speaking, I'm not sure I'd bother making the effort with her anymore. You could tell her how much it bothers you, but I doubt it would change her.

Be around other, more genuine people at these events if I were you.

feargale · 03-02-2013 10:30PM

I wouldn't necessarily disagree with Abi or Cymbaline, but have you discussed it with any other sister?

shinesun · 03-02-2013 10:51PM

You have her down to a T, Abi.

F- have not discussed it in detail with any of my sisters.
They are all quite a bit younger than me.
I'd be if thinking, that no matter what, she will remain the same and if I or someone said something, it would just make things 10 times worse.

Abi · 04-02-2013 09:20AM

shinesun wrote: »

You have her down to a T, Abi.

F- have not discussed it in detail with any of my sisters.
They are all quite a bit younger than me.
I'd be if thinking, that no matter what, she will remain the same and if I or someone said something, it would just make things 10 times worse.

I'm sad that she treats you this way, but I know her type. Id like to think talking to her would work, and Id normally always be the one to tell people to talk and confront a situation. I can't see her taking it very well, she will look after number one every time rather than consider how much she's hurting you. You can try it for what it's worth, but I predict defensiveness and probably a nasty hissy fit.

Purposefully talk to other family members at these events. When you exclude her it won't bother you so much.

There are just some people you cannot change. The only way they can change is if their own selfishness has backfired and they lose people they love or some other repercussion that hits them hard.

This is her flaw, her problem. You can live in the knowledge that you're a good, kind, and genuine person, which is all a loss on her. Stick with people like you

Lorna123 · 04-02-2013 12:53PM

This must be very hurtful to you OP especially when you have done nothing to offend her, or is there anything that she might have taken offence at ? I don't understand how siblings who have all been brought up the same can suddenly decide that they don't like one another, unless one is jealous of the other, but in this case it would appear that your sister has nothing to be jealous us. Does she feel that you don't approve of her because she is loud and you are quiet ? Even at that it doesn't warrant any hatred. Develop other interests and other friends and it won't hurt as much. You would probably get no satisfaction out of her if you were to sit her down had have it out with her. I don't understand it at all.

shinesun · 04-02-2013 06:37PM

Thanks, no I def have not done anything do offend her or nothing that I am aware of anyway.The only diff is that I'm quiet bit as you said that's no reason to behave like this.

Anyway, I will just go to events and just make extra effort with everyone else as you guys suggested.

I'm guessing I'll have a much better time at them too.

shinesun · 08-02-2013 04:48AM

One other thing that is causing me concern is that I'm getting married the end of next year and I want to ask a diff sister to be one of my bridesmaids along with my other friend.

She only asked me cos she felt she had to ask one of the sis. In hindsight, I would have said no. It was the same carry on at her wedding but tbh I was there for her of course. It was her day.She was v concerned about not been seeing talking to me on the DVD. I only noticed the extent on the DVD afterwards and pretending to myself for years that she really was not like that... And never said a thing to anyone until now.
Of course, it was not about me but just all these things would not be normal for someone to do. Its just an eg.Even for a few years after that, I was still trying to make effort with her at events!! I really am an idiot, ha!

Anyway, I'm just wondering how do I go about this, do I just go ahead and ask my other sis and then tell her I asked 'b'.
How could I explain that I'm not asking her back?
I can hardly say I'm not asking you as I don't like two faced ppl!

I feel a bit sad doing this as I have only rec come to accept the way she treats me and I've never been that mean too anyone. Well, not intentionally anyway.

Thanks

Stavro Mueller · 08-02-2013 07:02AM

I think you should just go ask the sister you like(?) to be your bridesmaid and leave it at that. Offer no explanations or no apologies to this other sister about this decision. If she went to such lengths to avoid even being seen speaking to you on the DVD, she probably is only going to attend your wedding under sufferance.

shinesun · 08-02-2013 10:39AM

Thanks, it won't be under sufferance anyway,
Another perfect opportunity for her to be full of self importance by swanning all over the relations, neighbours, sis in law etc.
Anyway, I'm not going to let it affect me anymore.
I'm just going to get on with having a good time at things and not even try like I said before.

Thanks for the advice.

stressed out · 08-02-2013 11:40PM

Hi OP
I'm sorry your sister is like this.
I'm so glad you started this post because the advice has been really good.
I have a similar problem only it's my sister in law. She is a horrible, horrible bitch to me. She is so cold and heartless.

I have been so stressed over the situation. I'm quite a warm person and am friendly and I was friends with this girl.
Then when she had my nephew her personality changed.

She hated me touching or holding my nephew. One time she pulled him from my arms - quite forcefully. I was shocked at the time and didn't know what to do.
She isn't Irish so we all thought this was her way.
A lot of incidents like this have happened and I was so upset over them.
I talked to my brother about it and he said she didn't like me and there was no reason. I asked to talk to her like a rational adult but he told me not to as it wouldn't help the situation.
So all I can think is she is an unreasonable human being (BTW I thought she might have post natal depression but she hasn't and my nephew is 2 now)

So I just avoid her now. It's too hurtful when my family are all nice to her and she is acting all smug being horrible to me. It makes me sick to my stomach.
(my family have to be nice to her because they are afraid she will take the child back to her country. She isnt very friendly with them but she doesn't dislike them like she does me)

So thank you for the advice the other people have given. I just have to remind myself that I'm a good person and I don't deserve to be treated like this. And she has a problem.

The only problem is I very rarely get to see my nephew. And I would have to be careful not to touch him too much when I do

Janedoe10 · 08-02-2013 11:52PM

My mam has a saying "street angel house devil"
It's crap when sisters use any opportunity to gain something from a situation . don't let her get to u - choose who u want don't fecking let her bully u - u know she will whinge to members of your family about how u cut her .. Poison but don't let her do it it's your time .
+ That sis in law - keep up your relationship with your brother . He is in a diff situation too . Don't give her the satisfaction

shinesun · 09-02-2013 03:02PM

Sorry stressedout, that your sis in law treats you like this. Mine is v sim in that all my family are nice to her cos she nice to them.

Thanks Jane,
I have become distant from bro since she came on the scene.
I'm going to get it back tho.
I'll talk to him when she not around otherwise she will just swing him away.
My partner and I have invited them both down to our house loads and loads of times but they never came. It did hurt a lot cos of course they travelled to see my other 's'.
They would come close and then cancel.
One time they were to come sun, and I get a text from bro saying sorry cant come visit sun, my fiancée going shopping sat!!
I just text back no bother and smiley face pretending it did not bother me.
What I really felt like was saying was sure sun is a diff day than sat.!
And just come on your own cos clearly she has no intention of ever coming but I never said anything. I doubt he be allowed to come down on his own!
They did not stay over in Dublin and just stayed at home on Sunday. I found that out.
It's all her. It really hurt me and I got upset about it a lot especially when she makes the effort to go see my sis who is mean and also visit my other
sis.
That was just one of the many stupid excuses. Another being that we live too far away!
We do live the furthest away but that's just something she grabbed onto. They able to go weekends further than where we live.
We obv don't invite them anymore. Just getting thrown back in our face and I prob was not aware at the time of how much a bitch she was.
My bro torn in the middle as he is her husband now and even before they were not allowed to visit cos she took such a dislike to me.
We don't go visit them cos we know she will not make any effort and make us feel uncomfortable. We did it a couple of years ago and never again!
Can only visit bro when she not there!!

Her parents are the nicest ppl you will ever meet and it's hard to believe she is like this.
Anyway thanks again for the advice:)

ladysarah · 10-02-2013 09:58AM

I had a similar experience with my cousin. It was my late mother's wish we be friends. I am an only daughter and it was my mother's only niece. My cousin got very ill some years ago with cancer. she was in hospital where I am from. I stayed there with her, took time off of work, bougjht her new pjs. Ran up a big phone bill kerping her family in Waterfotd informed. Went to dublin to get her a healing glove. Held her hand when she was going down to surgery. When she left hospital she went back to being cold.as she had bern previously. when i was going gor surgery 2 years later i didnot even get a phone call or text. It really upset me. During a life coaching course all of this raised its ugly head and I decided to get her out of my life as I was allowing her drain my energy. I was sad for my late mother but it was the best thing Zi ever did. Six years later life is good! I talk to her when I see her at family events but donot have direct contact. Good luck and be good to yourself!

shinesun · 10-02-2013 12:01PM

Thanks Ladysarah.

My sis in law lives next door to my home place and if I was down visiting she would come in and chat to my mam. Say hello to me maybe.Turn towards her on purpose(away from me) . If my sis was there, she of course would sit down have a full blown conversation with her. My sis acts like I'm not there when she comes in. The usual ha;)
Should I just leave the room when she comes in and just leave the two of them at it and do the same if my sis in law came in and I was just there?

Thanks

ladysarah · 10-02-2013 12:20PM

I would not leave the room if my mother was thete but if the 2 of them are alone I would leave and not have them draining my energy. Remember it is your mother"s house not your sil's parents house so enjoy time with your mother. I hope you have a good relationship with your mother.

shinesun · 10-02-2013 12:30PM

Thanks, yep have a good relationship with my mam.

ladysarah · 10-02-2013 12:55PM

well focus on the good relationship with your mother - include her in wedding plans - spend time in your home place ))) enjoy life

shinesun · 10-02-2013 01:07PM

Yep I will. Thankfully I get on great with my 3 other sisters:)

ladysarah · 10-02-2013 01:11PM

well you have an awful lot going for you. do not waste another second on that pair) focus on the pisitives!!!

My sis is a bitch towards me or is she?

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