A longterm relationship built on pure infatuation without Lust or Love?

LegacyUser · 02-01-2013 09:53AM #1

Ok, I'm 21 and this is quite difficult for me, I've been in a relationship for 4 years but I think that the entire thing has been built on infatuation rather than love. This guy is very very special to me not only because he is my first serious relationship(though I had previously dated another guy at 17 a few weeks before I met him) but because he was my first real close friend aswell since I always had trouble fitting in at school. When we met, we instantly clicked compatability-wise and never ever ran out of things to say and I guess I was quite obsessed with him and just thought that he was so so perfect.

Thing is though, I don't think the lust or real love are actually there because when it comes to sexual activity I just don't feel a drive to do it with him even though he is a very handsome guy. For kissing too I never felt any spark when we kissed even though I just felt completely CRAZY thinking about him. Its so weird though because when I'm around him sometimes I'm obsessed with touching his skin, hugging and smelling him but if we're alone and it gets sexual I lose interest. We've had sexual intercourse and other sexual contact several times and I normally didn't feel much from it

To add more to the pot...I've known since the age of 11 that I'm very likely a lesbian because I've had about 4 deep crushes on girls my own age that lasted about a year each but not on boys. When my boyf asked me out I also felt thrilled because this meant that I wouldn't have to go through all the torment of coming out to parents, being discriminated, lonliness etc of being gay. I don't think this Thread belongs in the LGBT section though because if I really can love him I'll happy just accept being bisexual.

For the last few months I've kinda made a conscious effort to distance myself from him to see what kind of feelings would emerge. It feels quite empty unless I set myself back to being obsessed with his personality again because he's the BEST friend I've ever had and showed me for the first time how to be happy.

I've been tearing my brain to pieces all through the relationship trying to figure out what I really feel for him cos I don't want to break his heart and throw away a four year relationship for nothing.

Any help would be extremely appreciated!

LegacyUser · 02-01-2013 10:43AM

ADDITIONAL INFO

The relationship is long-distance so we only get to see each other every few weeks and most of our contact is over the phone. This explains why we have been together so long without the insufficient lust issues becoming a noticable problem.

I also had a very strong emotional dependence on him too as he was my only close friend throughout a lot of the relationship but I have made other close friends since so I am no longer emotionally dependent on him as a friend.

Thanks again!

judgefudge · 02-01-2013 08:01PM

Hi OP...

It seems like you are very confused, I feel for you. You obviously love this guy, as a person, and enjoy the intimacy that you have with him. However in my opinion if you do not have sexual chemistry with him and don't enjoy or look forward to making love to him you need to get out of the relationship.

You may be gay, you may be bi, you may be straight. It's not for me to say. That's for you to discover and I think you need to be on your own to do that. You have been with this guy from a very young age and it's understandable that you don't know who you are.

I would advise taking some time out of the relationship to figure out what you want.

Fluorescence · 02-01-2013 08:12PM

It sounds like he is your best friend, not your boyfriend. As for your sexuality, only you can answer that, but you can't make yourself bi by forcing yourself to love him.

Catari Jaguar · 03-01-2013 02:08PM

Just be honest with him and tell him how you feel and how confused and guilty you are. Don't torment yourself, you can't control what you feel. But you know deep down, it is kinder to him to let him go. You both deserve loving/ sexually fulfilling relationships. Down the line, when wounds heal, you could be very close friends again.

dannyc31 · 03-01-2013 04:23PM

OP it sounds to be like he is your best friend also, he just happens to be a man, and also happens to of been around when you were going through the most complex feelings and emotions in your head you ever likely to experience, that is your transistion from a teenager to a woman. it would all be normal nice feelings for you if it wasnt for the fact i think you know deep down you are probably gay.

this is somthing you need to explore and not stresss out about over the next couple of years. if you are, you are and learning to live your life as a gay woman will become your priority.

if this is this case hopefully this man can remain a truly dear friend to you in the future.

A longterm relationship built on pure infatuation without Lust or Love?

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