Married boyfriend of my best friend

LegacyUser · 17-12-2012 09:32AM #1

My best friend recently has begun dating her boyfriend the catch is he is married with a child,

Why am I involved? He is one of a group of friends I've had for years, she is one of two of my best friends who only met him at a mutual friends birthday.

As a result of this I was uncomfortable and tried to stay out of it, but obviously with a new boyfriend (and considering he's married) she talked about it alot, so much it started causing tensions between us, when the three of us girls would hang out she would be on her phone texting him non stop, ignoring us in the meantime, we expected her to be busier considering she now had a boyfriend to spend time with but we thought when we did get to see her it was bad form to be ignoring Us for him, she maintains because he's married she has to take anytime he can give her, that she can't text him some other time in case the wife is there,

This all escalated into a big row a few weeks ago and we told her how we felt and things changed briefly until last week when out on a shopping trip again she started ignoring us for her phone again, I retaliated by doing the same back to her (childish I know but I was angry and didn't want to say something I'd regret) she got odd and stormed off,

Later that day her boyfriend (my friend) messages me asking what's going on? So I told him exactly what was going on and how I felt on the matter, he then copied and pasted the messages to her to make it look like I was bad mouthing her, leaving out bits that he said to take things out of context.

Now she admits she was mad at me and told him I was deranged and crazy, before she "calmed down enough to talk to me", when she did she realised what he'd done,

But she's still seeing him and although I have no right to tell her dump him I am angry at them both, him for what he's doing, for trying to set me up,and for the fact I thought he was a Good guy and now I know he's not, I'm angry at her for what she said about me to him, and for letting a guy like that come between her and her friendships.

I don't want to lose my friend but constantly being too busy to see us and then when she finally does all she does is talk about him or ignore us to text him, it's driving me mad,

If it was a real relationship that was going somewhere you'd make an effort but he's told her he won't leave his wife ever!

this is why I feel caught in the middle:

I can't go out with my best friend because of all the above, and I can't go out with my group because they'll be there or he will. I don't want to lose my friend but I feel like she isn't
Being a good one, but then maybe it's me! Him I want nothing to do with anymore,

What do I do to fix all this?

Jen Pigs Fly · 17-12-2012 12:35PM

I'd tell his wife

Nicky30 · 17-12-2012 12:55PM

I agree, tell the wife.

LegacyUser · 17-12-2012 12:57PM

xxxJennyxxx wrote: »

I'd tell his wife

Believe me I felt like it at times but its not my place to. Not to mention my best friend would be the one hurt if her relationship falls apart due to me telling his wife.

I'm supposed to be her friend not the wife's...

Chucky the tree · 17-12-2012 12:58PM

I wouldn't tell his wife unless you are happy to lose the best friend - not really your place to get involved in.

Esoteric_ · 17-12-2012 01:05PM

You don't seem to really care about the fact that her boyfriend is married. By that I mean, it doesn't seem to play any role in why you are angry at your friend (from what you've posted here), so I'd treat it as I'd treat any friend who's being inconsiderate.

I have a friend who got a boyfriend and was doing the same things - ignoring me on days/nights out so she could text him.

Eventually, I just said to her -'Look, if you would rather spend every time we're out together texting him, just go home and text him. I want to spend time with my friend, not time being ignored and looking like an idiot trying to engage someone in conversation.'

That worked with my friend, but if it doesn't work with yours (you said you already spoke to her about it?), just stop inviting her out for a while. If she questions it, just say 'Well, you ignore us when you come out anyway so I assumed you'd be happier sitting in texting XXXX.'

With regards to the text the guy forwarded to her - scummy, childish, petty thing to do. Not only did he make you out to look like a bit of a cow, SHE automatically believed him without asking you about it. It's clear her priorities lie with him, and he's just being a childish bint.

I wouldn't tell his wife, simply because they can deny it, and without proof, the wife won't believe he's cheating and will see you as a trouble maker. Look how easily the boyfriend was able to make you look like a trouble maker with just a simple text?

OP, he is being devious and childish, she has decided her new boyfriend takes precedence over you, so just stop making any effort with either of them. A friend doesn't do what the boyfriend did to you.

Stop inviting her out, she'll eventually realise what's going on. Stop talking to him, because he's clearly just a shít stirrer. And stay out of the relationship. If she wants to make a fool of herself with a married man, let her. The truth will come out eventually.

Roisy7 · 17-12-2012 02:27PM

Don't tell the wife, it's not your place to be involved AT ALL. No-one will thank you for it.

If it was me I would take her aside and tell her straight out that she is being an idiot, that the guy's never going to leave his wife, it makes you and the rest of the gang feel uncomfortable to have her stuck to the phone texting a married man, to think of how his wife AND his child (what a creep this individual she's wasting her time on is).

I know you've talked to her already but I don't think there has been a proper serious conversation? So give her one more try, be as blunt as you like. Sounds like she needs a proper wake-up call. She might get angry but I'm sure in the end she'll realise you're right.

Tbh if she's this indiscreet- why is she telling four people she's seeing a married man?- it won't be long until the wife finds out anyway.

17-12-2012 02:45PM

Neither of them have any self awareness.
It is not worth being friends with people like that.
Cut and run.

Morag · 17-12-2012 02:56PM

Is he separated? or finished with the wife? or do they have an open marriage?

Just cos someone is married and has a kid that doesn't mean they are cheating.

Roisy7 · 17-12-2012 03:05PM

Idontwanttolosemybestfriend wrote: »

she maintains because he's married she has to take anytime he can give her, that she can't text him some other time in case the wife is there,

If it was a real relationship that was going somewhere you'd make an effort but he's told her he won't leave his wife ever!

Sure doesn't sound like an open marriage to me Morag....

Esoteric_ · 17-12-2012 03:07PM

Idontwanttolosemybestfriend wrote: »

Believe me I felt like it at times but its not my place to. Not to mention my best friend would be the one hurt if her relationship falls apart due to me telling his wife.

I'm supposed to be her friend not the wife's...

It's not a relationship. It's an affair.

LegacyUser · 17-12-2012 03:24PM

Morag wrote: »

Is he separated? or finished with the wife? or do they have an open marriage?

Just cos someone is married and has a kid that doesn't mean they are cheating.

In his messages to me he tried to justify the affair by telling me things weren't good at home when he first met my best friend, he then says things got good at home again but he then realised he loved my best friend too, so now he wants both of them (his wife and my friend) this annoys me too, I recently got married and I feel like he is taking the piss out of he vows he took and i hate what he is doing to his wife and child although i only know them from what he's told me on previous nights out, but that's my issue I guess.

LyndaMcL wrote: »

It's not a relationship. It's an affair.

I know that she says she knows that she even says she knows he'll never leave his wife for her, BUT when she is alone with us girlfriends she says things without thinking which imply in her head this is a long term relationship,

This all stems from me trying to stop her getting hurt even though I know I can't I know she needs to stop this affair on her own (but she says she loves him too)

And now as I sit here I worry I'm going to lose my best friend to this guy, I may have already considering she's not really doing much other than talking about him/texting him every time I'm around.

ted1 · 17-12-2012 03:28PM

tell them you don't want to be around them when their together, thell them you don't want to hear anything about the other one, tell them they are not to use you as an alibi.

get on with life.

LegacyUser · 17-12-2012 03:33PM

ted1 wrote: »

tell them you don't want to be around them when their together, thell them you don't want to hear anything about the other one, tell them they are not to use you as an alibi.

get on with life.

That was the plan after the last time, then last week happened where she started on about him again, and then he did what he did to me with the messages,

Now im just angry and upset. And don't know what is the right thing to do in this stupid situation...

mood · 17-12-2012 04:00PM

ted1 wrote: »

tell them you don't want to be around them when their together, thell them you don't want to hear anything about the other one, tell them they are not to use you as an alibi.

get on with life.

Also tell them if they break you 'rules' you will tell his wife. Also, tell her that under no circumstances ie her getting pregnant etc you do not want to hear and will not be there to support her. She is making her own bed as is he.

Esoteric_ · 17-12-2012 04:06PM

mood wrote: »

Also tell them if they break you 'rules' you will tell his wife. Also, tell her that under no circumstances ie her getting pregnant etc you do not want to hear and will not be there to support her. She is making her own bed as is he.

I agree with completely refusing to support her in this farce of a 'relationship,' but threatening to tell his wife will just lead to the girl ending the friendship, which the OP has said she doesn't want.

To be honest OP, you don't seem to really care who the guy is dating, you're just annoyed that your friend texts him while she's out with you. While I understand that completely, I really do think you should be looking at how morally wrong this situation is and stop having anything to do with it at all, if only to keep your own conscience clear.

If this comes to light, who's to say that the 'boyfriend' won't somehow find a way of blaming you for it (like telling your friend that you told his wife)?

Your friend has proven already that this guy takes precedence over you, so I don't really see why you'd be so worried about saving a friendship that sounds as though it's over, anyway.

CaraMay · 17-12-2012 04:41PM

They are well matched.... Op are you friends with his wife?

I agree with above, the main issue for you seems to be her bahaviour as a friend and if so, call her on it. If she starts texting again when you are out just walk out and leave her to it. I think its going to be very hard to save this friendship as the dynamic has changed dramatically.

nadey · 17-12-2012 10:59PM

Op tell his wife

You said you were married yourself wouldn't you want to know if it was your husband playing away

Think how hurt she will be if she finds out through another source about the affair and that you knew all along about it

This man doesn't love either of these women he's playing all of you for the fool who's to say he doesn't have another girl on the side

Your friend should have know better getting involved with a married man this will only end up in heartbreak

If you don't want to tell his wife at least write her a letter anonymous letter

Chronic Button · 17-12-2012 11:49PM

This whole scenario is so lacking integrity, from any of you. You all sound like selfish kids. I suggest re-evaluating the kind of person you want to be, OP, and the kind of person you want close to you.

The large scale betrayal of his wife among so many people really makes me sad. That poor woman.

CaraMay · 17-12-2012 11:56PM

Yeah I agree. Op the mistress sounds vile - why do you want to stay friends with her?

homerjay2005 · 18-12-2012 11:30AM

LyndaMcL wrote: »

You don't seem to really care about the fact that her boyfriend is married.

my thoughts exactly.

meeeeh · 18-12-2012 12:23PM

Good friendship is not ditched just because you don't agree with some of your friends actions. It's not OP's job to make sure her friend behaves. Personally I also wouldn't be overly happy if someone I barley know told me that my partner is having an affair. Especially if they know nothing about me or how I feel about it.

Op, I think you'll have to suffer trough it but don't be to accommodating when she is ignoring you. Just leave whenever she is texting excessively and she will get the message. I would also tell them both that they are having an affair and not a relationship and they should not involve other people and keep it private. tolerating something doesn't mean you want to be part of it. Most likely the whole thing will end soon and badly for your friend and you'll be needed to console her.

beertons · 18-12-2012 12:26PM

If a man you were dating started hitting on a friend of yours, and she went along with it, how would you feel?

Ando's Saggy Bottom · 18-12-2012 12:42PM

If your mate's boyfriend wasn't married would you still be annoyed about the texting stuff?

Because that's really the issue here IMO, you're just using the married thing to convince yourself you have more of a high moral ground from which to air this grievance.

meeeeh · 18-12-2012 12:47PM

beertons wrote: »

If a man you were dating started hitting on a friend of yours, and she went along with it, how would you feel?

I would dump him but I don't know what has that to do with anything. It's for me to decide what to do, not for some stranger or someone I don't know well to presume what I want to know and what I want to do. Or do you actually think everybody should do and feel as you do? How would the wife feel if she decided to stay with him and on top of being cheated on, there is some stranger who might think she is being spineless or weak or whatever.

Taltos · 18-12-2012 03:01PM

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LegacyUser · 18-12-2012 03:11PM

Chronic Button wrote: »

This whole scenario is so lacking integrity, from any of you. You all sound like selfish kids. I suggest re-evaluating the kind of person you want to be, OP, and the kind of person you want close to you.

The large scale betrayal of his wife among so many people really makes me sad. That poor woman.

As sad as I feel for his wife I have never met her, she was never on any nights out, I don't know her other than seeing comments she posts on his Facebook page, and it is not my place to tell her what he's doing, as much as I hate him for doing it.

Pete Campbell wrote: »

If your mate's boyfriend wasn't married would you still be annoyed about the texting stuff?

Because that's really the issue here IMO, you're just using the married thing to convince yourself you have more of a high moral ground from which to air this grievance.

If her boyfriend wasn't married it would still annoy me nobody likes being ignored constantly but I guess she wouldnt ignore us as much as she currently does as he'd be able to text her later where this married man cannot.

username123 · 18-12-2012 05:13PM

Idontwanttolosemybestfriend wrote: »

If her boyfriend wasn't married it would still annoy me nobody likes being ignored constantly but I guess she wouldnt ignore us as much as she currently does as he'd be able to text her later where this married man cannot.

So your issue is the texting not the fact that she is doing something morally reprehensible?

Then tell her to stop texting while she is with you or go home if she starts it.

Abi · 18-12-2012 07:14PM

Idontwanttolosemybestfriend wrote: »

Believe me I felt like it at times but its not my place to. Not to mention my best friend would be the one hurt if her relationship falls apart due to me telling his wife.

I'm supposed to be her friend not the wife's...

Yeah, and what a friend she is. What if you had a boyfriend or a husband and she was having an affair with him? You're doing a hell of a lot of defending for someone so cruel. She's making a fool of that mans wife, he has a child as well for god sake. It seems to have escaped your attention that your 'best friend' is a home wrecker.

If it was a real relationship that was going somewhere you'd make an effort but he's told her he won't leave his wife ever!

What a silly silly girl. She probably thinks secretly that she'll change his mind further down the line.

I don't want to lose my friend but I feel like she isn't
Being a good one, but then maybe it's me! Him I want nothing to do with anymore,

What do I do to fix all this?

I personally despise cheaters. I'd weed the two of them out of my life for good, and the wife would get a heads up too. It's up to her what she wants to with that information.

With regards to 'not wanting your best friend to get hurt' if you told the wife, what do you think is going to happen further down the line when she realises she is only being used as a bit on the side and that he REALLY is never going to leave his wife and child for her?

Some people might be able to live with knowing that theres cheating going on, but me personally - no way. I'd want to know if I was being made a fool of. It disgusts me.

DeltaWhite · 19-12-2012 12:05PM

Abi wrote: »

Yeah, and what a friend she is. What if you had a boyfriend or a husband and she was having an affair with him? You're doing a hell of a lot of defending for someone so cruel. She's making a fool of that mans wife, he has a child as well for god sake. It seems to have escaped your attention that your 'best friend' is a home wrecker.

What a silly silly girl. She probably thinks secretly that she'll change his mind further down the line.

I personally despise cheaters. I'd weed the two of them out of my life for good, and the wife would get a heads up too. It's up to her what she wants to with that information.

With regards to 'not wanting your best friend to get hurt' if you told the wife, what do you think is going to happen further down the line when she realises she is only being used as a bit on the side and that he REALLY is never going to leave his wife and child for her?

Some people might be able to live with knowing that theres cheating going on, but me personally - no way. I'd want to know if I was being made a fool of. It disgusts me.

OP I hope you take note of this post because it is spot on!

IMO anyone that cheats is a poisonous parasite. Fair enough you arent friends with the wife of the cheater but put yourself in her shoes... I'm sure you would run riots if you knew you were being cheated on... Who wouldnt?

I personally wouldnt want to be friends with a homewrecker - that's all your friend is.. she has her head in the clouds and I would distance myself from such a person!

By the way, the husband is worse but you have no problem cutting him out of your life but theres a lot of blame with your friend for getting involved with someone who she knows is married WITH a child!! Shocking!! Makes me feel ill hearing things like that

LegacyUser · 19-12-2012 01:43PM

DeltaWhite wrote: »

OP I hope you take note of this post because it is spot on!

IMO anyone that cheats is a poisonous parasite. Fair enough you arent friends with the wife of the cheater but put yourself in her shoes... I'm sure you would run riots if you knew you were being cheated on... Who wouldnt?

I personally wouldnt want to be friends with a homewrecker - that's all your friend is.. she has her head in the clouds and I would distance myself from such a person!

By the way, the husband is worse but you have no problem cutting him out of your life but theres a lot of blame with your friend for getting involved with someone who she knows is married WITH a child!! Shocking!! Makes me feel ill hearing things like that

If I was in his wife's shoes of course I'd like to know but not everyone is the same, and like I've said I'm more involved in this than I'm comfortable with,

I have no doubt she'd believe me I have written proof from him in the messages he sent, but that's not the point I'm not going to tell her as I'm not going willingly drawing him on me he's already showed himself to not be of a good character.

Thanks for the advice given I'm trying to take it as much as possible,

As for my friend I'm giving her space and she hasn't spoke to me as yet, so ill see how it goes, if anybody else has any input I'm very grateful and would love to hear it, I hate this mess! :'(

Married boyfriend of my best friend

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