Just found out oh is involved in cybersex

heartbroken and lost · 29-10-2012 03:40AM #1

Have been married for 28 years, he's 50. Usually enjoy a pretty good sex life up to a couple of years ago when I got sick, but whenever we've been able to do it, it's still been great, I thought.

Accidentally discovered last week that he's been on many porn sites a LOT over past while. I wasn't snooping and didn't suspect. His laptop was running slow and I offered to take a look .... Was so shocked by what I saw.

He says he's sorry and ashamed of himself but I just can't seem to get over it. Initially I was so angry that I left for a couple of days, couldn't speak to him or look at him. Came back because our grown up kids know nothing about it and I didn't want to upset them or the grandchildren.

Was so shocked to see the state of him when I came back. He cried, I felt really sorry for him and told him I forgive him and move on but can't see myself ever trusting him again. Basically I'm heartbroken and feel like the man I loved and trusted so much has died and am left with this stranger who I can't sleep beside - that's why I'm up now on here instead of asleep. I feel like he cheated, and has betrayed me and like he's had an affair, or that maybe he has and is only sorry that I found out? I don't know. That's the problem.

I want to move far far away from him. Would appreciate any helpful input. Thanks

jimmycrackcorm · 29-10-2012 04:20AM

What are you really upset about? If the shoe was on the other foot would he be right to be as upset if you got a bit carried away reading 50 shades of grey?

Has he actually cheated on you - with someone? Or simply indulged in some fantasy?

Ellsbells · 29-10-2012 07:13AM

Was he looking at porn or was he engaging in cybersex with others? Cybersex is not like reading 50 shades as real people are involved. Has he met anyone from online for sex? You need answers to this to get to the bottom of it and god forbid you may need to get tested for sti's

leggo · 29-10-2012 07:26AM

I never saw the allure of cybersex personally, but if I found out that a partner was engaging in it then I wouldn't see it on the same level as cheating (if it was with randomers, now, if it was with people they know it's a different story). Not to sound crude, but I'd see it along the lines of assisted masturbation more than anything else. As fantasy.

However, I can also see why finding all of this would be shocking to you.

Just to clarify: you don't actually mention finding cybersex transcripts here, just that he was looking at porn. I don't mean this in a smart way at all, but do you think that looking at porn is the same as cybersex? If he was just looking at porn, we're discovering more and more today that looking at porn is actually more common, natural and possibly beneficial than people perceived it to be years ago.

If he was simply looking at porn, I wouldn't take it as a personal slight at all. While I can see how you feel that way, the more we learn, the more we realise that this is a very dated attitude that doesn't fall in line with what we now understand about human sexuality. Just a thought that might make you feel better, if you'd like to look into it more.

If this is a standalone issue, then I'd use it as an opportunity to discuss any problems you may have in the bedroom. Maybe there aren't even any. It could be a blessing in disguise, though, opening yourselves up to an honest dialogue. While a bit shocking for you, it's definitely not big enough of an issue to end an otherwise happy marriage.

SirDelboy18 · 29-10-2012 07:35AM

No offense - If it was just porn then I'd consider this one of the biggest, most melodramatic, over-reactions possible. I actually feel sorry for him in this scenario!

A bit of realism, education, compromise and discussion without you telling him how ashamed he should be would be recommended.

If it was cybersex however then I'd consider you somewhat justified, but it's still not anywhere near cheating.

29-10-2012 10:03AM

OP, if it's just porn, well, I think it's just porn. I know we can't help how we feel, but it's pretty normal and I think you're overreacting. It's not a personal slight on you, it's just something additional really.

If he was actually engaged in one on one stuff with other people online, not just porn, then I think it's similar enough to cheating, yes.

heartbroken and lost · 29-10-2012 11:25AM

Thanks for your replies.
I realise it is a big reaction - although think melodramatic is a bit harsh as this is how i feel - that's why i needed other input for which i'm grateful.

I didn't tell him he should be ashamed of himself or anything like that. He came up with that himself.

Just to clarify, It was cyber sex with a couple of different people, paid and unpaid, not just porn, although, tbh, even the porn was disturbing to me as it came out of left field. We watched some together years ago and he said he found it boring and preferred what we had together. He's always said he's very happy with 'us' in the bedroom.

Re-reading what I wrote, I realise it's the fact that he'd be so judgemental of other people who engage in this sort of thing that is upsetting but mainly it's the dishonesty, hiding things and I don't feel like I know him at all. And I don't like the idea of him having this alternate sex life with strangers
online.

What else has he been hiding/lying about? I don't think I can believe anything he says now. We always had 100% trust and openness and I feel he's broken that.

Ellsbells · 29-10-2012 11:39AM

Ok so you don't really mind the porn other than he was not truthful When He said it didn't appeal to him? That's fair enough.

I would lose my mind over the cybersex. I had that happen to me with an ex before and it is cheating as he is operating outside the boundaries you have agreed for your relationship by being intimate with others. If is was acceptable to you then be would have told you about it.

I agree that he has now shown himself to be a liar. Did he say whether he met any of them? You need to protect your health here.

dixiefly · 29-10-2012 11:45AM

Tbh I am not very up to date on what cybersex is comprised of but I suspect it does not include physical stuff and is more associated with communications across the web at various levels of explicitness.
It is of course extremely shocking to you but I think you should try and stand back from it for a few days and think of the marriage and the relationship outside of this. What are the good things and what is not going well? You haven't written much about the overall relationship, how good a husband and father that he has been.
I think that there is a reasonable chance, considering his reaction etc, that he is fully contrite and that you have nipped this in the bud. If the rest of the relationship is strong and he truly regrets this I think you should forgive him on the basis of those 28 years.
I am a similar age to him and I would hope that, if I did monumentally screw up, then the investment in the marriage and the kids over the years would count for something.

aidan24326 · 29-10-2012 12:55PM

Ellsbells wrote: »

I agree that he has now shown himself to be a liar. Did he say whether he met any of them? You need to protect your health here.

In fairness the people he was communicating with online were probably in a different country, maybe even the other side of the world so it's unlikely he met any of them.

It's hard to know what to make of cybersex. Is it cheating? It kind of is and it isn't. But doing something like that behind your wife's back is a breach of trust so while not as bad as actually going off and sleeping with someone I can still see how the OP would feel betrayed.

But OP, I still think you're slightly over-reacting. You're perfectly entitled to be p1ssed off for sure but be careful that you don't blow this up into something more than what it is. Talk it through with him and if he genuinely regrets doing it and promises that nothing like that will ever happen again then I wouldn't be so rash as to throw away an otherwise good marriage over it.

leggo · 29-10-2012 04:38PM

I completely get your mindset OP and how you'd feel that way. But I think it's also important to evaluate where his mindset was and how much of this was a deliberate attempt to deceive you or just a curiosity gone too far.

Like I said, I've never understood the attraction of cyber sex, but in trying to get in the mind of someone who did I'd imagine it's just an extension of porn: non-committal, completely fleeting, a temporary relief to impulses at that precise moment in time.

From that standpoint, and if you think that's a fair summary given his reactions (the fact he didn't try to defend or deny his actions being a good sign to me), I think it's ultimately just a dumb mistake on his part and not a deliberate attempt to betray you. For that reason I feel that, given time, you'll be able to move past this and be happy together again. Hopefully anyway.

Ellsbells · 29-10-2012 07:36PM

aidan24326 wrote: »

In fairness the people he was communicating with online were probably in a different country, maybe even the other side of the world so it's unlikely he met any of them.

Why would you think that? Its not necessarily true. They could be next door.

Taltos · 29-10-2012 09:04PM

Gentle reminder - PI/RI is not the place for discussions - it is for advice.
If you want to have a general discussion around cyber sex please try one of the other forums here. Posters who continually pull threads off topic with discussions have been banned in the past.

Thanks
Taltos

Stavro Mueller · 29-10-2012 09:16PM

Have you thought about going to couples counselling over this? Or even to a counsellor yourself?

LegacyUser · 30-10-2012 01:26AM

Hi, thanks for your replies. I appreciate your input.

Among the many he's been involved with, his first connection was with a friend of our son. She lives about 7 miles away and he insists that although they've engaged in online and phone sex they haven't actually had sex. She is 23 and told him she'd always fancied him (through facebook). She sent him a link to a site she had uploaded things to and then it got more serious. Her friend was also involved in a couple of the sessions. He says from this he clicked onto another couple of sites and that's how it developed.

While he seems very regretful and genuinely sad, and I do feel sorry for him, I'm also so hurt. Can't believe after all this time our marriage is going to be just another cliche. Suppose I feel duped because I thought we had something a bit special. Instead here goes the mid life crisis.

He has been a good enough dad and husband and that really ought to count for a lot but at the same time I'll never trust him again and refuse to turn into one of those women who're always checking up on or worried about their men.

We're not going to make it because of this. Some of you may think this is petty but I really don't want to live like that because I witnessed that behaviour as a kid and promised myself I wouldn't..

Have agreed to tell our kids it's a mutually agreed split and not to mention why exactly. Am sick for our grandchildren who love coming to stay. I think I'm going to have to move out because I won't manage the place alone and he's just not that interested in entertaining them.

so that's that really, he's been feeding me dribs and drabs all day about what's been going on and I told him a couple of hours ago I don't want to hear anymore.

Ellsbells · 30-10-2012 10:18AM

Oh my god!!! Your sons friends!!! I could not overlook this either... What kind of a hussy is she too... God love you.

StillWaters · 30-10-2012 10:50AM

You sound very strong and resolved. FWIW i think you are making the right decision. Certainly space is needed here, and he needs to realise just what he has gambled with.

Gather real life support around you, I wouldn't go moving out without talking to a solicitor first though. You are not the one in the wrong here, perhaps tell him to move out while you get your head straight.

Maybe in time he can prove he can be trusted, but don't count on that. Move forward building a new life without him. Wishing you strength during this sh1t time.

WaltKowalski · 30-10-2012 12:00PM

Ellsbells wrote: »

Oh my god!!! Your sons friends!!! I could not overlook this either... What kind of a hussy is she too... God love you.

Agree.
He doesn't appear to have any respect for you or your son to engage in that sort of behavior.
How did he think he'd get away with it?

I'd be surprised if your son doesn't find out.
Why should you protect your husband by lying to your children?

Will your son be even more hurt that you've lied to him about the reason for the break-up when the truth eventually comes out?

Ellsbells · 30-10-2012 12:11PM

I think he should tell the truth to his adult children.

StillWaters · 30-10-2012 12:13PM

I think OP is doing the right thing by not telling the children the seedy reasons for the split. Frankly they are adults now, and it is not their business.

It would be a mistake in my view and would polarise the family causing them to take sides, and that is not in anyone's interest, least of all the grandchildren. This is a long marriage, and there may be further twists and turns to come.

Ellsbells · 30-10-2012 12:14PM

I dont think she should but I think he should tell his child that he was having cybersex with 2 of their friends. Do you really think its not going to come out? Better from him than some random friend.

Katy89 · 30-10-2012 12:17PM

OP, you are a very brave and strong woman, my respect goes out to you.

and my heart as well, it is a reallly terrible thing to deal with. and on top of it a friend of your son. how unscrupulous.

but I would back up the poster above, you might want to tell your children the truth. they are old enough and would request an explanation anyway, so what will you say? it will add to their disappointment if you are not open with them.

I don't know if I would tell that he was dealing with a friend of your son, I would leave it up to him to tell that....now that I write this, it would be all up to him to explain what he's done, not up to you.
HE did it, so he has to explain himself to his children, not you!!!

curlzy · 30-10-2012 01:17PM

heartbroken and alone wrote: »

Hi, thanks for your replies. I appreciate your input.

Among the many he's been involved with, his first connection was with a friend of our son. She lives about 7 miles away and he insists that although they've engaged in online and phone sex they haven't actually had sex. She is 23 and told him she'd always fancied him (through facebook). She sent him a link to a site she had uploaded things to and then it got more serious. Her friend was also involved in a couple of the sessions. He says from this he clicked onto another couple of sites and that's how it developed.

While he seems very regretful and genuinely sad, and I do feel sorry for him, I'm also so hurt. Can't believe after all this time our marriage is going to be just another cliche. Suppose I feel duped because I thought we had something a bit special. Instead here goes the mid life crisis.

He has been a good enough dad and husband and that really ought to count for a lot but at the same time I'll never trust him again and refuse to turn into one of those women who're always checking up on or worried about their men.

We're not going to make it because of this. Some of you may think this is petty but I really don't want to live like that because I witnessed that behaviour as a kid and promised myself I wouldn't..

Have agreed to tell our kids it's a mutually agreed split and not to mention why exactly. Am sick for our grandchildren who love coming to stay. I think I'm going to have to move out because I won't manage the place alone and he's just not that interested in entertaining them.

so that's that really, he's been feeding me dribs and drabs all day about what's been going on and I told him a couple of hours ago I don't want to hear anymore.

Oh J*sus OP, my heart is breaking for you. It really is. Your son's friend? Sweet mother of g*d.

Honestly OP, I know you feel horribly betrayed (I would too) but could you perhaps think about counselling before you call it a day? Maybe it's salvegable, if you had a good marraige for so long maybe you could try again? Saying that though, you could let him realise how much of a st*pid, hurtf*l, stupid, f*cking idiot he's been by not mentioning counselling until he really f*cking realises what he's done and thinks he's lost you.

I honestly think you should tell your son the real reason. If you guys were my parents and you split up and I continued being friends with the reason for the split I'd feel just as betrayed as you do. You have to tell him because believe me, it'll come out in the end. If your kids are grown, tell them the truth, in that position I would want to know the type of sl*pper I'm 'friends' with.

Big big hug to you, I really hope you have some good friends/family around you to lean on. I hope things get better for you soon.

Starokan · 30-10-2012 01:39PM

When I read your op I thought it was an over reaction by you, having read through the thread and your replies he has in my opinion cheated on you emotionally (at least) and broke all trust.

No one here will think you are petty as I honestly dont think how anyone could draw that conclusion from this situation.

Look after yourself and confide in somebody be it friend or family so you have someone to lean on through this

aidan24326 · 30-10-2012 02:43PM

OP, are you sure you're doing the right thing? You say your marriage has been good up to now, for many years. Do you really want to throw that all away? I'm not saying you're necessarily wrong but just that I think you're reacting rashly here, and everyone seems to be saying go girl, good for you and this kind of stuff.

Your husband is guilty of being a fool no doubt about that, but your quick decision to walk away without even having proper discussion with him seems odd to me. Would you not even consider talking things through? counselling? anything?

Ellsbells · 30-10-2012 02:56PM

Its black and white Aidan for some people. Some people can live with a cheat. I know I cant / couldnt so why prolong it.

2ndcoming · 30-10-2012 05:42PM

Life isn't black and white, end of. Anyone who would walk away from 20 happy years of marriage over their other half indulging in cybersex is clearly looking for a way out themselves in my opinion.

Out of interest you said some of this 'cybersex' was paid and some was unpaid. If the friend of your son falls in the paid category, in my book she has played with the fantasies of a foolish older man for her own monetary gain and is the actual villain in the piece.

Either way I find this element of the story strange in the extreme, 23 year old girls befriending their friends' 50 approx year-old father on Facebook would be uncommon enough, when they're the sort of girls who put sexual videos of themselves online you have to start wondering what their motives are.

aidan24326 · 30-10-2012 06:20PM

2ndcoming wrote: »

Anyone who would walk away from 20 happy years of marriage over their other half indulging in cybersex is clearly looking for a way out themselves in my opinion.

That's kinda what I was thinking too.

Ellsbells · 30-10-2012 07:59PM

It's cybersex with his sons friend who he probably saw growing up. Then a second friend is thrown into the mix.

shalalala · 30-10-2012 09:16PM

OP, my heart goes out to you. Your husband seems selfish and you have a right to feel however you feel about ALL of it. Everyone has their own levels in relationships but generally it is the lies that hurts the most.

Only try with him again if there is a chance that you could forgive and forget. If not then just try to have a clean break, quickly.

Also I don't think it is your childrens right to have a say in the breakup. If you don't want to tell them then it is none of their business.

Taltos · 30-10-2012 10:41PM

After ignoring the earlier mod instruction on this thread around discussions Ellsbells and aidan24326 are both now enjoying a 2 weeks vacation from PI/RI. As per the charter if you have no constructive civil advice to offer please don't post. PI/RI is not the right forum for general discussions.

Thanks
Taltos

Just found out oh is involved in cybersex

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