Funniest things you heard in the army!!!

twistedbrains · 05-10-2012 11:16pm #1

Hear a lad ring in one day for sick leave asked by SGT "how sick are you" lad replied "im that sick im sleeping with my sister". Heard another lad in recruit training been asked what makes a good soldier he replied "a pair of nike runners and a butter knife" it was funny till we were ran into the ground for a few hours
Id love to hear a few more true funnies their has to be more out their cheers in advance

Praetorian Saighdiuir · 06-10-2012 1:04am

Aw this one time, man it was crazy

FANTAPANTS · 06-10-2012 1:05am

benwavner wrote: »

Aw this one time, man it was crazy

we were at band camp

Local-womanizer · 06-10-2012 1:34am

benwavner wrote: »

Aw this one time, man it was crazy

Haha, that's right, I remember that, the look on his face, fcuk me, I'll never forget that!!

goldie fish · 06-10-2012 10:30am

"army pay is excellent"

Oh how we laughed...

tac foley · 06-10-2012 12:32pm

'Form three sides of a circle round me...'

'When I want your opinion, I'll tell you.'

'I didn't say it was your fault, I said that I'm blaming you.'

Q - 'Where's my foxhole, Sarge?

A. Right here, son, you just have to dig for it.

There are about a hundred thousand more....

tac

discus · 06-10-2012 3:05pm

The Sgt Major was looking for volunteers for an ex against the royal marines in 2 days time. It meant losing the first weeks leave, out of our 4 weeks block leave. 14 lads in the room, and 4 were needed. I of course, volunteer first, even though I have my travel booked home to Dublin. 2 more lads volunteer, but no one else will. So the sgt major loses the head... "YOU SHOULD ALL BE ****ING VOLUNTEERING YOU USELESS *****" etc. Send the non volunteers out of the room, and briefs up us three on the exercise, while he decides how to punish the non-vols....

...and he decides that the stout volunteers will go on ex, and the non vols will stay on camp until we return, except that they won't get their lost week back at the end. So I pip up "Sir, just so I can rearrange my travel home, when are we back from ex?".... And the Sgt Major looks up.... "discus, did you volunteer, even though you'd lose out on your flights?" Me: "yeah, why not like".

Sgt Major: "this is what I'm looking for, you useless *****!i Discus, cut away on friday, and pick one of these ***** to fill your spot"

Oh how I laughed!

ricky_spanish · 06-10-2012 4:26pm

"The Sgt Major was looking for volunteers for an ex against the royal marines in 2 days time"

? the pdf cross train with the royal marines ?

arybvtcw0eolkf · 06-10-2012 4:27pm

Just this week....

One of the lads was throwing breaks and said he was to go over to 'The Brugha to get his ten year service medal and one of the older sweats says ~

"Ten year service medal?...I lost my ten year service medal 15 yrs ago"

FANTAPANTS · 06-10-2012 4:29pm

ricky_spanish wrote: »

"The Sgt Major was looking for volunteers for an ex against the royal marines in 2 days time"

? the pdf cross train with the royal marines ?

i think he is/was in brits and was gonna travel home to dublin

arybvtcw0eolkf · 06-10-2012 4:37pm

There was an old story, probably more myth than truth, in the old Collins Barracks, Dublin.

The duty officer approaches the private on the beat ~

"Private what would you do if a battleship sailed up The Liffey and started shelling this barracks?" ~

Private "Sir I'd get a squadron of tanks and blow the bastard out of the water" ~

Duty Officer "and where would you get this imaginary squadron of tanks private" ~

Private on the beat "same place you got your imaginary fu*king battleship, SIR".

FANTAPANTS · 06-10-2012 4:41pm

think thats true enough heard my old man talking bout that before

arybvtcw0eolkf · 06-10-2012 4:45pm

FANTAPANTS wrote: »

think thats true enough heard my old man talking bout that before

Ask him has he heard the one about unknown helicopter landing on the square in Dundalk barracks, and the MP locking the main gates so it wouldn't escape

gripcasey · 06-10-2012 5:55pm

Wasn't Dundalk it was Monaghan Bks

arybvtcw0eolkf · 06-10-2012 6:22pm

gripcasey wrote: »

Wasn't Dundalk it was Monaghan Bks

You're absolutely correct. I was undecided which it was but had a vision of Monaghan in mind.

rednik · 06-10-2012 6:29pm

The UNIFIL mandate is not being renewed !!. I don't know how many times I heard this from 82 onwards.

Local-womanizer · 06-10-2012 7:10pm

June Mushy Mouthpiece wrote: »

There was an old story, probably more myth than truth, in the old Collins Barracks, Dublin.

The duty officer approaches the private on the beat ~

"Private what would you do if a battleship sailed up The Liffey and started shelling this barracks?" ~

Private "Sir I'd get a squadron of tanks and blow the bastard out of the water" ~

Duty Officer "and where would you get this imaginary squadron of tanks private" ~

Private on the beat "same place you got your imaginary fu*king battleship, SIR".

Heard that one in finner on security on the range, it involved the Taliban, a submarine and a rocket launcher

pablomakaveli · 06-10-2012 7:19pm

Back in my recruit training our section commander was bollocking us because our webbing looked crap and he was telling us to tape up the loose straps to make it look neater.

Since none of us had any of the green "sniper" tape to do this one of the lads asks "Bombadier, can we have some green sniper tape?". Our section commander hated us calling it sniper tape so he snapped back "Are you a ****ing sniper?"

One of the lads replied "Bombadier can we have some green tape that snipers use?":D

Milk & Honey · 06-10-2012 8:39pm

FANTAPANTS wrote: »

think thats true enough heard my old man talking bout that before

It is so true, it also happened in Athlone. When the sentry was asked what if he would do if a submarine came up the Shannon in front of the main gate of the Barracks, he said "I would fire a torpedo at it Sir".

Milk & Honey · 06-10-2012 8:43pm

On inspection a man is asked the number of his rifle. He rattles off a number. Suspicious officer looks at the number on the rifle which is completely different. "where did you get that number out of? says the officer. "Out of my head Sir, and I had enough timber left over to make a box."

ruserious · 06-10-2012 9:02pm

Milk & Honey wrote: »

It is so true, it also happened in Athlone. When the sentry was asked what if he would do if a submarine came up the Shannon in front of the main gate of the Barracks, he said "I would fire a torpedo at it Sir".

And a Tank coming over the bridge to Haulbowline.

arybvtcw0eolkf · 07-10-2012 4:46am

And all the Leb Vets will remember catching the first tripper out with the tales of woe re. fishing (or bungee jumping) off Tibnine Bridge

Or "I remember when the R.A.P. was a field dressing"..

"I remember when Brashit was a fart".

"I remember when Tyre was a bicycle tube".

"I remember when the archway in McKee Barracks was a mouse hole"

Or from the really old sweats ~ "When I joined the army we didn't have numbers, we all knew each other".

Or the old sweat driver ~ "I did my drivers course with Ben Hur".

Does anyone remember the drinking song from Lebanon, it went....

'Christian shells from Saf Al Hawa came raining down upon Tibnine...la la la la la (can't remember the words) la la.. From the Cuckoo's Nest, Haddatha and Sultanya too 'cause we don't care about your Christian shells'..

This referred to the regular shelling from the Christian South Lebanese Army on our positions.

Here's another drinking song from the old trips...

"There's a flare in the air, there's a body in the wadi... E I, E I, Oh.." (to the tune of Old McDonald had a farm).. and if you wanted to be really nasty, and out of ear shot, you could add a particularly unliked persons name into the mix... ie ~

"There's a flare in the air, Joe Bloggs body's in the wadi... E I, E I, Oh..

Shall I go on?

Owryan · 07-10-2012 1:28pm

Local-womanizer wrote: »

Heard that one in finner on security on the range, it involved the Taliban, a submarine and a rocket launcher

i heard in Portlaoise, the leb n on the border, that tale has really done the rounds

rednik · 07-10-2012 3:32pm

What did you say your number as 84million.

Yitzhak Rabin · 07-10-2012 4:54pm

One of the lads I trained got the nickname Chernobyl from the NCOs.

I asked him why he was called Chernobyl, and he said "Because I'm such a ****ing disaster sir"

Praetorian Saighdiuir · 07-10-2012 5:41pm

Theres an old sweat I know that was on a foot patrol on the border years ago. Im not quite sure what happened but they ended up crossing the border due to bad naving. Anyway a Brit foot patrol were spotted and the lads hit the deck and hid. The Brits saw the lads and started shouting "Oi Paddy, wtf are ya doing over here".....The old sweat jumped up and shouted, in a thick Drogheda accent "Here, how do you know my name". Both patrols apparently laughed it off and went on their seperate ways.

There was another guy who was to transport weapons from one location to another on his own. His 4x4 was spotted outside his mothers house by a guy resting off. Yer man was in the gaff having lunch with his boots off while his car was parked outside unlocked with a **** load of weapons in it. :rolleyes:

^^Same guy took 4 hours to get from Dublin to the Glen, usually a 1 hour trip...he was driving the Bn Cmdr and it was a dirty detail for him. His defence was "Iv never driven to the Glen before"....clever bastard was never detailed for anything like that again.

A well know ex Sgt from a Dublin Bn's son rang the company office looking for his father. He was off somewhere doing something. The Pte that answered the phone said he would take a message for him. The young lad said "ask him is it ok to open the Cornflakes" because his younger brother was hungry. The Pte said, sure go ahead and open them if he's hungry like!

. The Sgt got the message later and bollocked the Pte, saying "how dare you tell my kids they can have cornflakes, thats my decision, not yours"...he was going to charge the Pte! :pac: He rang the kid, bollocked him out of it and ordered him to stand and face the corner until he got home later on, then told his other son to make sure he did it.......LUNATIC

^^ same guy turned up for selection in a 3 piece suit complete with suitcase.....not so sure how true that one is.

goldie fish · 07-10-2012 5:53pm

"I was on the main gate when you sere still on Cow & Gate"

earlytobed · 08-10-2012 2:21pm

Phone call to comcen: "May I speak to Comdt ##### please"
Signalman: "Sorry, he's dead"

There was murder

earlytobed · 08-10-2012 2:24pm

A very indignant little NCO to Lebanese children:
" You can't throw stones at me, I'm a UNIFIL Corporal"
Classic

arybvtcw0eolkf · 08-10-2012 10:48pm

earlytobed wrote: »

Phone call to comcen: "May I speak to Comdt ##### please"
Signalman: "Sorry, he's dead"

There was murder

He was murdered :eek:

bluecode · 08-10-2012 11:22pm

gripcasey wrote: »

Wasn't Dundalk it was Monaghan Bks

It was but he landed outside the barracks. I remember reading the pilot's account of the incident. He was out of fuel on the wrong side of the border. Here's the pilot's actual account of the incident. He actually stopped for lunch and was clearly unaware of the rank of commandant.

It is the 14 August 1977. The story of Monaghan goes like this. I had left Middle Wallop only 2 months previous and had one month of training in Germany proir to deployment.
I was tasked with carrying out the ADS run with the mail. The route was from the Maze-Lisburn-Portadown-Armagh-Dungannon-Omagh-etc-etc.
The weather was fine with a light wind and high cloud base. I set off with the mail man and all was well. There was a premarked map with the route on. On leaving Portadown we set course for Dungannon, they stated that they had no mail therefore there was no need for us to land there.
So altered course for Omagh. On the preprinted map there was a wood marked whch was no longer there on the ground. While I was debating on this the FFILT light came on. Started to get concerned at this stage so called up Omagh and received no answer, turned towards Dungannon, called them, nothing turned back to Omagh.
Called Omagh again and an airborne pilot answered[the OC ] he asked what the problem was so I told him I had the emergency and was unsure of my exact position. He asked me to transmit for Homing(he was in a Sioux and they had the homing facility). After a couple of goes he stated that I was north of Omagh and to head South. in fact I was North of Monaghan. So I set off south and the first barracks I came across was an Irish Army barracks which I circled a few times. The Irish army came out and blocked the square to prevent us landing, so I whipped around the front of the barracks and landed on the grass and shut down. They all came rushing around pointing guns at us like we were and invading army. A Major came forward an said," For ****'s sake lads will you calm down".
Told him of our predicament and he took us inside to contact base. As we were a bit low on fuel I requested some. We had lunch and the potatoes were terrible. Eventually got fuel and the Major said we would have to be careful on lift as the IRA may try to shoot us down. Took off like a bat out of hell and flew to Armagh to shut down.
It was the day before the Elections in Eire and I had a mention in the Times and The Telegraph.

Next came the Board of Enquiry. I put my hand up and said it is my fault, but they were after bigger fish and blamed the Theatre QHI and the OC from Omagh. They never forgave me and refused to ever fly with me. There loss.

My Northern ireland famil was in the back of a Scout with no map.
Such is life!!!!!!!!!!

Funniest things you heard in the army!!!

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