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Average length of time a couple are together before getting married?

  • 19-09-2012 03:52PM
    #1
    another question
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,386 ✭✭✭


    Just wondering how long/many years is a reasonable length of time for a couple to be together before getting married...

    I'm wondering about a time between 'they're not getting married already are they?' type situation to a 'are they ever going to get married?' type situation.

    I know it has a lot to do with affording a wedding, house, etc but just people's general opinions on this...


«1

Comments

  • #2
    loveisdivine
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,443 ✭✭✭loveisdivine


    We got engaged after 2 and half years, and will be 4 and a half years together when we marry.


  • #3
    Beruthiel
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 42,361 ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    another question wrote: »
    Just wondering how long/many years is a reasonable length of time for a couple to be together before getting married...

    I do not believe there is any correct answer to that question.
    It is totally down to you and your partner.
    Other peoples opinions on it are irrelevant.


  • #4
    im invisible
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,372 ✭✭✭im invisible


    sometime before seven years


  • #5
    liliq
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,242 ✭✭✭liliq


    we got engaged after being together 11 months, will be 2 years 8 months together getting married. Would have loved to get married on our 2 year anniversary, but couldn't for various reasons.
    was with my ex 6 years and only every half considered marriage etc,and only for the "are they ever going to get married" questions making us think about it.


  • #6
    Sleepy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 25,000 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy


    Myself and my other half will have been together 5 1/2 years and a baby together when we get married (after just over a year of being engaged).
    My sister and her boyfriend will have been together over 12 years when they get married (after an 8 month engagement).
    Of my friends who got married this year

    2 have been together about 6 years.
    2 have been together about 3 years.
    2 have been together just under 2 years.

    It's horses for courses, though one thing I have definitely noticed is that the older a couple were when they got together, the quicker they've been to get engaged. If you meet in your 30's the odds are that you both know what you're looking for and grab hold of it when you find it. If you've been going out with the same person since your debs, on the other hand, there's most likely to be "is this really the person for me? Am I settling?" questions due to lack of other experiences and less "biological clock" pressures.

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  • #7
    ABajaninCork
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,411 ✭✭✭ABajaninCork


    I would totally agree with Sleepy. I had several LT relationships before I married. Never even lived with the guys far less engaged to or married them.

    Then I met my husband. Right from the start we discussed getting married. I have to say he was keener on the idea than I.

    To make a long story short. We were engaged after 1 year, married the year after that. We've been together 6 years, and will be married for 4 next month. OTOH - my brother's been with his partner for 12 years, and doesn't remotely LOOK as though he'll pop the Q!!

    If you meet 'the one', you just know. Doesn't matter how long you've been together.


  • #8
    another question
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,386 ✭✭✭another question


    I like sleepys response....especially in relation to older couples getting married quicker...I know a couple...big age gap...but its the younger female that would like to get married and settle down, the OH doesn't want to on the basis that he never has and thinks hes too old...shes confused by this and so am I...anyone see his point of his? they are together 2 years...


  • #9
    Sleepy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 25,000 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy


    Have they discussed kids? Sounds to me like he regards himself as being too old to be a father.

    I've known some men who don't like the idea of being in their 50's / 60's when their eldest would be finishing school: often due to a fear of orphaning a child or simply not being able to keep up with them when they're younger.

    Or, it could simply be that he's been in other relationships that have gone sour and have put him off the idea of marriage. lazygal started an interesting thread on this in The Gentlemen's Club: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056752360 Some interesting posts on it which would tie in with the scenario your friend finds herself in. I'm guessing that as he's significantly older he'd be the one to find himself supporting her for the rest of his life even should they split up? He may be afraid that even if she has no intention of having kids now her biological clock will kick in, he'll still have no interest and she'll leave him for someone taking half his assets / income / pension with her

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  • #10
    another question
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,386 ✭✭✭another question


    I will definitely get her to have a look at that thread...looks like her situation alright...yes they have discussed kids...shes very broody..him not so...yes feels to old to be a father...doesn't feel he can support a child either...they are a nice couple, love each other alot but I can't help thinking that he should get his act together or he will lose her to someone who wants to marry her and have a family...but with regards to him supporting her..no way, neither of them have much money but she would have more than him...I don't think she has even thought about how she would support a child she is just so dead set on wanting one...


  • #11
    Moonbeam
    Moderators, Education Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 19,029 Mod ✭✭✭✭Moonbeam


    3 kids and nearly 6 years when we have the big wedding.
    Best friend will be 8 years and no kids both of us hit 30 this year.


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  • #12
    antiskeptic
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,550 ✭✭✭antiskeptic


    another question wrote: »
    Just wondering how long/many years is a reasonable length of time for a couple to be together before getting married...

    I'm wondering about a time between 'they're not getting married already are they?' type situation to a 'are they ever going to get married?' type situation.

    I know it has a lot to do with affording a wedding, house, etc but just people's general opinions on this...

    I listened to Dr Maureen Gaffney on the matter some years back on Gay Bynres radio show and what she had to say made a lot of sense to me. The jist of it:

    1) People fall in love with each other and are subject to all sorts of chemicals swirling around in their body which is natures way of ensuring that people overlook anothers failings long enough to create the possibility that they get it together. You know the feeling: the other person is too wonderful for words, you want to spend every minute in their company, you want to be close, you do as I did when I fell in love with my wife and run down the battery in every phone in the house and then have the chargers glowing red into the wee hours. It's great!

    2) After a while the glow settles down to something more comfortable but very nice

    3) After a little while longer you start noticing their breath sometimes smells. Or they have this little annoying habit you once thought was quite cute. You didn't know you hated a greasy rim left round the bath but Boy! you sure are getting to see plenty of them now

    At around the two year mark, things will have settled down, the chemical buzz has abated and you're enough experience to assess the person as a long term bet. If you've gotten that far then falling in love has done it's job - the rest is down to you.

    I'm sure there are variations on this - but this was her observation of average couples over a careers experience.

    Suffice to say, if you've known the person for under a year then the chances are that most of your viewpoint will have been formed by the 'falling in love' high and it would be wise to let some more time pass so as to get a more balanced view.


  • #13
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    I was with my husband 12 years before we got married. We already had a family and a house so there was no urgency. I have seen some of my female friends push the issue because they want children, some men too.


  • #14
    Maggie 2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 211 ✭✭Maggie 2


    We got married after 9 months. Still going strong 28 years later. My sister married her man after 6 years. It lasted another 6. As another poster said, when you meet the right one, you just know!


  • #15
    upinthesky
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,418 ✭✭✭upinthesky


    with my love for eleven years marrage is like santa a fairytail live is real u dont need to marry


  • #16
    another question
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,386 ✭✭✭another question


    @ lisar816....your comment interests me...I have heard alot of people say they 'dont need' to get married...but I'd like to know why not...I can't imagine that there are that many women out there that havent dreamt of the fairytale wedding etc and want the sparkly ring and to be able to say 'my husband' as opposed to 'my partner'....any thoughts...this has always interested me....I don't have any positive/negitive opinion towards people who make either choice...but it seems like its a diversion away from the norm to be in a long term relationship and not get married if two people plan on staying together...especially when you have gay people fighting for the right to marry to achieve the rights associated with marriage


  • #17
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    another question wrote: »
    @ lisar816....your comment interests me...I have heard alot of people say they 'dont need' to get married...but I'd like to know why not...I can't imagine that there are that many women out there that havent dreamt of the fairytale wedding etc and want the sparkly ring and to be able to say 'my husband' as opposed to 'my partner'....any thoughts...this has always interested me....I don't have any positive/negitive opinion towards people who make either choice...but it seems like its a diversion away from the norm to be in a long term relationship and not get married if two people plan on staying together...especially when you have gay people fighting for the right to marry to achieve the rights associated with marriage

    There is nothing wrong with choosing not to marry, its just not as big a deal for some as it is for others.

    I only got married because we had kids, I wanted my husband to be fully protected. We also did it to protect our inheritance rights. Of course we love each other but we were living together so long at that stage we felt married and 4 yrs on I can't say that its had any significant impact.

    As for gay marriage I completely agree it should be legal but having the privilage of being allowed marry is no reason to do it.


  • #18
    Moonbeam
    Moderators, Education Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 19,029 Mod ✭✭✭✭Moonbeam


    I could take or leave marriage ...but then there are the inheritance rights,the kids and the tax issues so we got married:-)
    I love my ring and having the same surname as my kids but I always wanted kids but never had dream of my wedding.


  • #19
    angeldelight
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,176 ✭✭✭angeldelight


    I don't really think there's a right answer - everybody's situation is different. I was 19 when I met my husband, after less than 3 months I would have married him there and then, we both just knew we wanted to be together forever. We were both in college, had no money, and we wouldn't have been taken seriously by friends and family if we had got engaged then. While ultimately it was how we felt that was important I wanted everyone to be excited and happy for us when we announced we were getting married, not spend our time reassuring people that yes we're sure and yes we know what we're doing. We got engaged 4 years later when we were both working and had moved in together and got married 2 weeks ago so 6 years from when we started going out.


  • #20
    Penny Dreadful
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,041 ✭✭✭Penny Dreadful


    Myself and my husband were going out 9 months when we moved in together. 17 months when we got engaged and were together just shy of 2 years when we were married.
    I'd been with my ex for 10 years and it was during that time that I finally realised marriage was important to me but not to him. I also realised that I didn't want to be married to him too.
    Horrible split but happy ending.


  • #21
    Monife
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,014 ✭✭✭Monife


    We got engaged after 1 year and married 20 months after that. Celebrated our 1 year anniversary in August :)

    Before I met my OH, I didn't think I would get married either. Wasn't that fussed. Just thought it was another piece of paper. My parents went through a messy divorce so that probably is why I had those views of marriage.

    But I have to say, once we were married, I felt different. Like we had an even stronger bond.


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  • #22
    Toast4532
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,613 ✭✭✭Toast4532


    I could take or leave marriage to be honest.

    The whole idea of the big white fairy tale wedding with all the bells and whistles etc just doesn't appeal to me, it puts me off marriage tbh.

    Kids are a definite no-no for me though (and thankfully my partner doesn't want them either).


  • #23
    Penny Dreadful
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,041 ✭✭✭Penny Dreadful


    Toast4532 wrote: »
    I could take or leave marriage to be honest.

    The whole idea of the big white fairy tale wedding with all the bells and whistles etc just doesn't appeal to me, it puts me off marriage tbh.

    Kids are a definite no-no for me though (and thankfully my partner doesn't want them either).

    That is a day not a marriage. Its also a day you don't need to have to get married.


  • #24
    Toast4532
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,613 ✭✭✭Toast4532


    Penny Dreadful wrote: »
    That is a day not a marriage. Its also a day you don't need to have to get married.
    I know that.

    Anyone I hear talking about marriage always says how it costs thousands to get married. By the time you pay for cars, church, reception, dress, flowers, invites, decor etc, most people just assume that they are all part of it and either don't realise or care that they are all optional extra's and aren't needed.

    It costs E150 I think for a licence and then the civil ceremony.


  • #25
    Professor Monkey foraHead
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2 ✭Professor Monkey foraHead


    I know a lot of 4 years + relationships that have broken up in the last few months. Don't rush into anything.


  • #26
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Toast4532 wrote: »
    I know that.

    Anyone I hear talking about marriage always says how it costs thousands to get married. By the time you pay for cars, church, reception, dress, flowers, invites, decor etc, most people just assume that they are all part of it and either don't realise or care that they are all optional extra's and aren't needed.

    It costs E150 I think for a licence and then the civil ceremony.

    My wedding 4 years ago cost 500 euros all in, we had a civil ceremony for 20 people and a caterer at home. My brother has recently gotten married - a bit white wedding - and the cost was staggering. But its all about what you want to do, how much you are willing to pay and what you consider to be essential. It doesn't have to cost the earth.


  • #27
    lazeedaisy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,344 ✭✭✭lazeedaisy


    DH and i always said we would never get married - but things changed and we felt we needed to for succession rights and tax and legal reasons - no biggie really, so we booked the wedding and 3 weeks before told everyone and we got married in a registry office - we were together 6 years and people never thought we would do it.

    mind you we did not get engaged as personally i have seen too many women just wanting a ring.... and as i have always said - any idiot can buy a ring! this is from seeing 3 friends who have a collection of them and felt i was mad not to get one as they said it would be the only thing he will buy me.

    wedding cost about 2k and we had such a ball

    We felt too old for the marrying for love (at 40) type of people and we are very practical so a big fancy do was out of the question,

    Maybe a small intimate affair would be ideal for them as its not for show,


  • #28
    Toast4532
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,613 ✭✭✭Toast4532


    eviltwin wrote: »
    My wedding 4 years ago cost 500 euros all in, we had a civil ceremony for 20 people and a caterer at home. My brother has recently gotten married - a bit white wedding - and the cost was staggering. But its all about what you want to do, how much you are willing to pay and what you consider to be essential. It doesn't have to cost the earth.
    I completely agree.

    Personally, I would prefer a small civil ceremony for immediate family, then a meal in a restaurant.

    Probably would have a gathering for extended family and friends in a local hotel or somewhere, again, nothing fancy.

    All in all - I wouldn't go spending a fortune on it, I'd rather use the money for a honeymoon or a holiday later in the year or something.

    Personally I couldn't spend a couple of grand on a wedding, I'd eat my feet quicker! :o


  • #29
    Merkin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    When you know you know I reckon and who gives a shit what people think is the "correct" period of time to date. If it feels right, then go for it. My DH proposed after six months and we were married within the year, best decision ever :)


  • #30
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,132 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    No correct time. We were together for over ten years before the legal nitty gritty of marriage, like next of kin, inheritance etc became important.

    I have friends who got married within a year of meeting eachother.

    It's up to each couple. I wouldn't worry about what people think.


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  • #31
    pooch90
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,470 ✭✭✭pooch90


    Have been with H2B for 8 years tomorrow.
    Moved in together just under 2 years together.
    Got engaged 6 months ago.
    Thinking about/hoping to get married around Easter 2014.


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