So desperately low over ex, how do I get out of this hole??

MissMotivated · 13-09-2012 12:57PM #1

Hi
I know theres so many threads on breakups etc.. but I really need some advice before I sink even further and can't get out of it.
Background:
Was with ex for 6 years, broke up after 3 for a few months because of his lack of appreciation for me, he was partying too much, he wouldn't commit, got back together he said he learned how much he loved me and needed me and all that.
I work in another county and had decided to move away just before we got back so I still did for 6 months then I moved home and we moved in together, things were great for a year then he started drinking too much again and partying too much, so last year we moved house in May after a year and a bit living together, said we'd have a fresh start and he'd cop on, he didn't he got worse, he would go to the cinema and have to go to the pub after and fall in at 4/5 am, he would never go out and come home at even 3/4 it was always 7/8 or later, and towards the end if I text him to come home he would stay out til the next evening and say 'well you were thick with me what was the point going home.'

I gave him chance after chance to change but in September after 9 months of it I was wore down I couldn't take anymore and we finished, I moved in November back to the town I work in 50 miles away.
It's a year now and up to a month ago I was pretty much doing ok and thought I was moving on but then I realised that deep down I was still waiting for him to realise what a mistake he'd made letting me go and that he needed to change to get me back and I realised then that this was never going to happen and he's really not coming back and I'm in bits.
And to top it all off I heard this week he's meeting a girl I despise and he knew this, most of the town does she's a horrible person, he says he's met her a few times and they text a little but he's not going out with her, but when I said he is meeting her though he said he hasn't thought about it he doesn't know what it is, I can tell by him it's going somwhere, he had met another girl a few months ago a few times and he was always adamant with her that there was nothing in it.
Now I know he's single he can be with who he wants but why did he to have pick the one person who would make me feel like this? I feel worthless and so desperately low I had to leave work yesterday and go to the doctor she gave me xanax to calm me and gave me the name of a councellor who I am going to see Monday.

He says he has had a year of depression and being lost without me and yes at times I told him to move on there was no chance and I said some hurtful things to him but I was so angry with him for ruining us again and I genuinely thought and still think if he really wanted me he would have tried no matter what I said.

Now I am consumed wih thoughts of him with this girl aswell I can't stop crying I've never felt like this everyone says I'm so strong and they've never seen me like this before and I don't know where to start to get myself out of this hole.

Sorry for the long thread but I wold appreciate any advice in starting to pick myself up because at the moment he has broken my spirit

IrishEyes19 · 13-09-2012 01:10PM

Hi, OP! Sorry to hear what you are going through!! It sound's like you've been through the wars with this person!

I'm not sure what you think of this guy, but from an outside perspective he is not the right person for you; he showed no respect, no understanding and no signs of changing when you made it clear his behaviour upset you.

I wasn't sure from your thread, but are you still in contact with him? I got that impression since you described asking him if he was with this girl, you need to break all contact! It's just torture to be able to see this guy with her and be able to talk to him at the same time. It would be good for you to make a clean break!

This guy will never change and its possible in the future that he could come swinging back to you and you would be back into the same problems ect, all the while there are plenty of decent men out there willing to treat you right and who want the same thing.
There's no quick fix to how you feel right now and forget about this other girl! I guarantee he is treating her the same way!

You need a clean break, avoid mutual hangouts, confide properly in close friends, and break ALL contact. Until you delete those numbers, facebook friendships, you can never be free to start moving on!

And if all else fails, perhaps seek counselling, sometimes incidents can hurt so much, a few sessions with a stranger to talk it out can do the world of good. Best of luck!!

Ellsbells · 13-09-2012 01:24PM

How did you find out about her?

Are you just annoyed cos it's her? You were doing fine till then.

Sponge25 · 13-09-2012 01:31PM

I'm so sorry Miss.

Even though he's a single guy he should give you some time to get over him before he starts dating other girls, especially ones you hate. If me and my gf broke up after so long i'd give her atleast 4-5 months to get over me.

There's really nothing you can do, you're going to go trough some pain. I know ya don't want another guy and ya want him but maybe you could sign up to a dating site or something. Ofcourse ya don't want anything long term
yet but it might lift your mood to go cinema or something with a cute guy.

Miss; Although he's a single man he still should have some regard for you. He shouldn't be dating girls you hate cause he knows that'll hurt you more. He should have more respect for you and frankly you diserve better.

You're just gonna have to go trough some pain

but I think it'd be a really good idea to find a cute guy to have a crush on, it'll give you another guy too think about. I know no one can replace your ex just yet but give it a try if ya feel like it.

MissMotivated · 13-09-2012 01:35PM

Hi IrishEyes, thanks for the reply.

Yeah we are still in contact, we had stopped about 6 weeks ago but had been in contact on and off up to that, usually initiated by him, now he's sayin he's trying to move on that we shouldn't be in touch that no contact is easier but when he was struggling he was saying he needed to be in contact.
That's the thing I know I deserve better and that but it hurts so much that after 6 years he didn't want to change and grow up to get me back, and now of all the people in the world he could have picked he's picked the one who would hurt me most, I have a constant knot in my stomach now and a pyhsical pain I've never felt like this in my life.
I've deleted his number but it's engraved in my brain unfortunately

. Not friends on Facebook but his page is public, I am trying to get the curge to block him and not undo it. When I was with him he despised Facebook and would say he would never use it, then a few months ago he joined saying it was for a band he's in but they have a band page, and this girl is the type that will have it plastered all over FB if they start a relationship.
I know I'm just still so focused on him and what he's doing and I just don't know how to stop that, I am going to the councellor Monday because I think I need to I'm desperate at this stage

MissMotivated · 13-09-2012 01:42PM

@Ellsbells, obviously him being with her has hurt me more but no I was starting to struggle a few weeks ago well before I heard about her.
Last week we were texting and I could see a big improvement in him and I knew he was with someone, a friend of mine asked someone then who it was. I was doing fine because I was sure he was going to have a lightbulb moment and realise he needed to get me back!! Never thought this would happen.
Up to 6 weeks ago he was still saying he was lost without me, noone would ever compare to me all that stuff, now he's starting seeing someone? I don't know how he can if he's not over me which he says he's not.

@Sponge25 - i've kissed a few guys over the year and a few really liked me but I couldn't even entertain the idea of being with them because they weren't him!! and I still feel like that, for the first 3 years we had the most perfect relationship we were made for each other and I suppose I don't see how i will ever feel like that about anyone else again

Ellsbells · 13-09-2012 01:44PM

He is using her to get over you.

Puddleduck · 13-09-2012 01:57PM

Hi miss,

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I've been there myself hoping that he'd change and realise he needed me. He went out with someone two weeks after we split.

My advice to you is to be sad and grieve for a little while but at the same time you need to keep busy, stop remembering all the few good times, remember how poorly he treated you, how he couldn't be arsed to make the effort to keep you, and that you are worth so much more and deserve so much better. You gave him all the chances possible and he threw them all back at you.
If you continue down this path you would be totally miserable.
Don't look at FB. Delete his phone number (don't worry, you forget it soon enough) any time you feel the urge to phone or talk to him call up a friend.

Don't worry, the pain and worry will pass eventually. Just be as hurt as you need to be now and then move on.

bellylint · 13-09-2012 02:03PM

Heya OP, sorry to hear that you are in the doldrums about this. A couple of things though, you already took him back once and things did not get better. You were holding out hope that he would suddenly wake up and realise that he had a good thing is a fairly natural thing to do, but it doesnt sound like it was gonna come. Its hard to let go of something that was a big part of your life. After a year though, you have given enough of your time to this. How many chances does somebody get when they dont show signs of real change.
If he hadnt of ended up with this girl that you dont like it could have been somebody you do like and I think that would bother you even more. At least it is somebody you dont like and you dont have to avoid somebody that you do. Somebody else has to deal with his crappy behaviour now.
Grieving over the loss from a break-up is not a switch and it takes time to fully get over somebody, to a point where you couldnt care less who they are with. I would go to the counsellor and treat it as a process to try and put it to bed.

Good luck with it.

MissMotivated · 13-09-2012 02:26PM

@Ellsbells - I wish that was it, I hope it is!! but I just think he seems different in the last few weeks and to be honest this girl is a chameleon and relationship addict, she will be into everything he's into now and love everything he loves and totally suck him in. Myself and all my friends would never have put them together in a million years, so now I just feel like was I that worthless that he wants someone who is the total opposite to me?

@ bellylint @ Puddleduck - ye have pretty much said what all my friends have said, they're worried about me because usually I am so strong.
I know he will never change, not for me anyway and I honestly don't think for anyone, he has a drink problem and to be honest I said to him a year of depression and being suicidal without me (his words) was preferable to him than sorting out his drinking to get me back, so what does that say about how important drinking is to him??
I am hoping the councellor will be able to give me a different way to look at it you know where I don't just feel loss and I realise that I am grieving for what could have been.
I never once regretted finishing it because as I said I feel I gave him all the chances I could and did all I could, but he now has me doubting myself i the last year, making me think should I have spelt it out loud and clear what he had to do and all that, he dropped hints throughout the months about wanting m back and would say things like 'i feel the need to see you' but he would never come out and ask and much as I wanted to I wouldn't do the work for him becase the effort needed to come from him, that effort never came though.
He has totally manipulated me into thinking it's my fault beause I finished it and it's my fault he didn't try to get me back.

So desperately low over ex, how do I get out of this hole??

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