I'm 28 years old, have no friends, never had a girl friend and I strongly thinking of

LegacyUser · 21-08-2012 08:05PM #1

So I had a very bad childhood. Started drinking at 11 years of age and started doing drugs like E, Hash, Speed and coke at 13 years of age all the way up to the age of 21 when I finally kicked everything including drink and became clean. But my cleansing came at a huge price. All my friends were into drugs too and to get clean I had to distance myself from them but they took offense to that and seen me as the enemy.

Anyway I've always loved woman and I got close to a few woman in the past but because of my reputation as a druggie they never wanted to take our relationships past friendship and in return that destroyed my confidence at chatting up woman. Now I'm 28 years old, have never had a girlfriend and I've no friends anymore. I can't even look at a couple on the street holding hands together or watch any tv program that have relationships in them without feeling like **** and wanting to die. Anyone got some advice.

CommanderC · 21-08-2012 10:52PM

Congratulations for getting your self clean. That is a HUGE accomplishment and shows what a strong person you are !!!!!

What you went through was so difficult and you have come through the other side.

Can you try to meet some new friends. Totally separate from your old life. Try meetup.com.

Look into new hobbies. Join something new- take a night class or start a course.

As for the relationship situation. Many people are in the same boat as you. 28 is so young. Meeting someone special will happen naturally, when you get yourself out there to meet new people in general.

If you want to try dating you could look at dating websites- plentyoffish.com

Don't get dis heartened if things don't work out immediately. These things take time and effort.

If you are feeling very low there are people and organisations out there that you can turn to if you need help.

LegacyUser · 22-08-2012 12:04AM

Thanks for your kind words. Joining local groups and such ain't really an option for me because I'm sure you can understand when drugs take over your life you do some things you ain't proud of and you hurt some good people along the way which gives you a bad reputation and rightly so, you play with fire expect to get burned.

As for internet dating, its a lot harder than people think to meet someone that way and I still have confidence issues for all the turn downs I got.

I will try and take your advice about getting help but its a hard thing reaching out to someone, I don't even feel comfortable talking anonymously here.

syklops · 22-08-2012 02:47AM

alostsoul wrote: »

So I had a very bad childhood. Started drinking at 11 years of age and started doing drugs like E, Hash, Speed and coke at 13 years of age all the way up to the age of 21 when I finally kicked everything including drink and became clean. But my cleansing came at a huge price. All my friends were into drugs too and to get clean I had to distance myself from them but they took offense to that and seen me as the enemy.

Anyway I've always loved woman and I got close to a few woman in the past but because of my reputation as a druggie they never wanted to take our relationships past friendship and in return that destroyed my confidence at chatting up woman. Now I'm 28 years old, have never had a girlfriend and I've no friends anymore. I can't even look at a couple on the street holding hands together or watch any tv program that have relationships in them without feeling like **** and wanting to die. Anyone got some advice.

Move city. Maybe even move country. You can recreate yourself. Its hard, I've done it, but getting lost in a new city can be very liberating. Go for it!

And well done on soberiety!

Taltos · 22-08-2012 06:29AM

OP - I have a family member who like you made some poor life choices but at around the same age as you turned it all around. They too lost their old friendships but that only helped him change his life around. Basically though he put himself out there - and had the confidence not to let his past hold him back.

He is now married with 2 kids and living down the country. It wasn't easy - people do like to label. Being honest here you actually have done more to be proud of than they - you chose to kick your habits and turn your life around, it would have been so much easier to just carry on being a drain on society but instead you aren't.

I am not saying go around boasting but think about it, you have literally changed your life and now have a world of opportunity open to you. Whatever comes next while daunting is so much easier than anything else you have faced. Try to do what you can to just get out and mix - and meet people. Maybe join a club or get involved in an organization - maybe even one that helps people who have not been strong enough to make the hard choices you did.

Also consider making the final move and relocating - however this will not make your life better unless you can get to a point where you put yourself out there to meet people and socialise. There are loads of activities you could try - soccer, gaa, hiking / rambling, the list really is endless and there is nothing stopping you from trying a few different things, just don't ever let someone else's ill-informed judgements pull you down, it just shows how little they know or understand of the struggle you have gone through and won to turn your life around. Finally maybe consider talking to someone to make sure that you are not unnecessarily allowing your past to hold you back and you can finally let go and forgive yourself or learn to ignore others who are too smallminded to accept you for who you are, not who you were.

Naid23 · 22-08-2012 11:40AM

CommanderC wrote: »

Congratulations for getting your self clean. That is a HUGE accomplishment and shows what a strong person you are !!!!!

I second that. Seriously well done - you made a big change in your life and while it may take time, you will see the benefits of it.

What about travelling? its a great way to meet new people and a chance to get away from people who judge you for what you were and not what you are now!..

Overheal · 22-08-2012 11:49PM

OP About a year ago I gave up feeling that way. Every once in a while I'll see a couple and get pangs of jealousy still, but ultimately I came to the realization that the only thing I was in control of was Me. I set about evaluating everything about myself: how I ate, how I acted, started going to the gym etc. and a year later I've at least had 2 [unsuccessful] attempts at a relationship, which tells me I'm going in the right direction.

Just focus on your own personal development. It doesn't take long. Hell, it only took me 6 months to drop 6" off my waist, I look completely different now, and I am definitely more self-confident than I ever was before. And there is a lot to be said for confidence, it bleeds off in your body language. You barely even control it. But it attracts others to you, effortlessly it seems.

roseofthemoon · 23-08-2012 08:53PM

OP, I truly feel for you. To have overcome so much but to still be in despair is heartbreaking. As someone who identifies with elements of your post, I can honestly say that the last post from "Overheal" was kind of a lightbulb moment for me - Overheal, thank you so much

the best advice ever, focus on "me" i.e. you, OP and the rest will come when its ready to.

You cannot, and should not, move cities or do anything you are not entirely comfortable doing. I have tried online dating and came to the realisation that there are some things, mostly your happiness, that you cannot force. Just my personal opinion. As for these women who dont want to date you - say to yourself, why would you want to date them? How could you be happy in a relationship with someone who does not accept your past - all parts of it? You deserve great happiness, as we all do. Believe me, I understand the feelings (anger, loneliness, sadness, self loathing, frustration) that come from not "right now"having the life you want. But, baby steps will get you there. You need to stop holding your past against yourself, then, and im sure of this, no one else will.

p.s. i apologise if this wasnt very articulate - something im working on

LegacyUser · 23-08-2012 11:08PM

Thanks everyone for your advice. I've decided to just do what I do. IF people have opinions then fine they can go their way and I'll go mine. As for woman I know theres a few woman interested in me so I'll work on getting my confidence back with that. Man sometimes I just want to relapse. Chatting up woman was so easier when I was drunk but drinking always lead me back to drugs no matter how hard I tried.

I know I've got anxiety issues so I'm going to see a doctor about that but I'm afraid they'll just prescribe valium or other drugs like that which I took a lot during my druggie days

Ickle Magoo · 23-08-2012 11:16PM

I think a trip to your GP is a good idea - just make sure your GP is aware of your history with drugs as that will probably affect what they want/are prepared to prescribe you.

All the very best and chin up, OP, look how far you've come already. :cool:

Taltos · 24-08-2012 08:25AM

Your GP can also refer you to other specialists who can help you without the use of medication. e.g. Counsellors / Cognitive Behaviour Therapists.

Makes good sense to go seek the help now especially if you are entering another cycle of wanting to relapse. Hopefully someone there can give you the proper tools to deal with and reduce/eliminate these cycles.

jimbo79 · 25-08-2012 11:08PM

alostsoul wrote: »

So I had a very bad childhood. Started drinking at 11 years of age and started doing drugs like E, Hash, Speed and coke at 13 years of age all the way up to the age of 21 when I finally kicked everything including drink and became clean. But my cleansing came at a huge price. All my friends were into drugs too and to get clean I had to distance myself from them but they took offense to that and seen me as the enemy.

Anyway I've always loved woman and I got close to a few woman in the past but because of my reputation as a druggie they never wanted to take our relationships past friendship and in return that destroyed my confidence at chatting up woman. Now I'm 28 years old, have never had a girlfriend and I've no friends anymore. I can't even look at a couple on the street holding hands together or watch any tv program that have relationships in them without feeling like **** and wanting to die. Anyone got some advice.

move, make new friends, you are in a great position, no ties, well done on packing in the drugs, i was on that road years ago, the panic attacks will pass in time and if your doc is aware of your previous drug habit they are unlikely to give you more

SharpshooterTom · 01-09-2012 07:33PM

alostsoul wrote: »

Now I'm 28 years old, have never had a girlfriend and I've no friends anymore. I can't even look at a couple on the street holding hands together or watch any tv program that have relationships in them without feeling like **** and wanting to die. Anyone got some advice.

My god OP your in the same situation as I'm in. You've done the hard part and decided to speak about it, that in itself is a huge step forward.

I'm 26 and never had a girlfriend, never had any real friends since I was 13/14. So in actual fact I'm a loner, have been through school here in Northern Ireland, at university etc and I just learned to live with it as I believed the world hated/didn't want to know me. I have had this belief about myself since 13/14 when I was severely bullied by my then best friends.

I started a few threads on here regarding these issues, I started too many of them and they ended up getting closed. So I'm not sure I'm best person to advice you in direction since I'm only just going through therapy myself, but I can be somebody to speak to if you feel down (feel free pm me if you wish).

I went to Spain on my own last month, and I saw thousands and thousands of young couples hold hands and realise that I was never going to be like that and I wanted to kill myself many many times over it when I was there, as I cannot get over the fact that I cannot get a girlfriend, but really in honesty there's not a lot I can do and just have accepted it. There's very strong possibility I'm going to live my life without a girlfriend as I'm just simply not good enough.

I try not be suicidal about it, thats the key, buts it hard work avoiding suicidal thoughts knowing these prospects are going to happen, I have regular therapy (weekly) now and seeing my gp again on thursday. So hopefully something will come out of it. My advice to you is not to give up and speak to as many people as possible about this, I found doing so, even on here very beneficial. Good luck.

I'm 28 years old, have no friends, never had a girl friend and I strongly thinking of

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