How much to give at a wedding

Jame Gumb · 19-08-2012 10:24AM

There are two sides to this:

- It's the height of ignorance for a bride and groom to demand cash gifts.

- It's the height of ignorance for a guest not to give a present to a bride and groom. The scale of the present should depend on the guest's circumstances.

purplepanda · 19-08-2012 11:22AM

Depends if there''s a free bar or not :pac:

marshbaboon · 19-08-2012 12:51PM

Motorist wrote: »

How low key is low key? Did he have a band, photographer, all that stuff?

Photographer & DJ yes. Didn't hire a band, but there was live music.

kfallon · 19-08-2012 12:54PM

Tend to give enough to cover the cost of my presence there.

Tbh I usually get out of Weddings anyway, hate the things, load of shite in the main

kylith · 19-08-2012 01:12PM

Confab wrote: »

€500 is near enough to half a month's net salary for me. I cannot afford to spend it on a present for someone. They chose to spend €25000 on a wedding, not me.

Hear, hear!

TBH I don't think I could take €500 off of someone unless I knew for a fact that they considered it pocket change, so they'd have to be earning megabucks.

The idea of someone putting themselves through financial hardship over some percieved social contract, even between siblings, in horrible.

TheTurk1972 · 19-08-2012 01:42PM

Cienciano wrote: »

I sort of asked for cash. We put up a list of stuff on a website that people could buy on our honeymoon (segway tours, breakfast in bed, night in a champagne bar etc) with links to a paypal account.
Thing is about presents, you just get shíte. I was living with my wife in an apartment for 6 years. I don't have room for a food warmer, a set of newbridge silver spagetti untensils, 3 ornamental photo frame boxes, and ice cream maker etc. They were 4 presents I can think of that people got for us because they don't believe in giving money, photo frames were the same but from different people. We don't have the room for crap like that which we'll never use.
Back in the old days people moved in together after the wedding, so presents were great. In this day and age most people have been living together for years.

If you dont want stuff of their choosing you could have asked them not to give you anything or to give a donation to charity instead.

Jame Gumb · 19-08-2012 01:58PM

@TheTurk1972

This is a two way thing.

I wouldn't dream of buying some kind of tangible gift for a couple as I don't believe it's right for me to impose my taste on them. Something that I might love may not appeal to them at all (and vice versa).

Tangible gifts and wedding lists made sense back when newlyweds were moving into their first home together and generally had very little money. Now, cash makes most sense on all sides.

As I said earlier, it's wrong for couples to insist on cash but it's equally wrong for guests not to give gifts (with the scale of the gift subject to the means of the guest and a reasonable cap of say €75 - €100 a head).

Like most situations, common sense works.

19-08-2012 02:00PM

Jame Gumb wrote: »

@TheTurk1972

This is a two way thing.

I wouldn't dream of buying some kind of tangible gift for a couple as I don't believe it's right for me to impose my taste on them. Something that I might love may not appeal to them at all (and vice versa)..

usually when you give a gift to someone you know them well enough to give them something you think they'd like, not what you would like...

Jame Gumb · 19-08-2012 02:02PM

bluewolf wrote: »

Jame Gumb wrote: »

@TheTurk1972

This is a two way thing.

I wouldn't dream of buying some kind of tangible gift for a couple as I don't believe it's right for me to impose my taste on them. Something that I might love may not appeal to them at all (and vice versa)..

usually when you give a gift to someone you know them well enough to give them something you think they'd like, not what you would like...

Like what?

I've a close group of mates and I'd genuinely struggle to think of something tangible to give any of them that they'd prefer over cash.

TheTurk1972 · 19-08-2012 02:02PM

Jame Gumb wrote: »

@TheTurk1972

This is a two way thing.

I wouldn't dream of buying some kind of tangible gift for a couple as I don't believe it's right for me to impose my taste on them. Something that I might love may not appeal to them at all (and vice versa).

Tangible gifts and wedding lists made sense back when newlyweds were moving into their first home together and generally had very little money. Now, cash makes most sense on all sides.

As I said earlier, it's wrong for couples to insist on cash but it's equally wrong for guests not to give gifts (with the scale of the gift subject to the means of the guest and a reasonable cap of say €75 - €100 a head).

Like most situations, common sense works.

Maybe its just me, but I dont like to have people buy me gifts when I want them to share my wedding day with me.
I would rather they just come to the party I am laying on for them and NOT have to feel they must compensate me.
The biggest gift they can give me is to be there and NOT give me anythibg in return.

Jame Gumb · 19-08-2012 02:11PM

But they're not compensating you!

It's this supposed link between the cost of the wedding and the value of a gift that's creating the issue.

The two are not related in any way. Put it another way, if your mate is getting married and you can't attend the wedding, you should still give him a present (of the same value that you'd give if you were attending). And there should never be a sense of "oh Jesus, this wedding's in Jury's Inn - Give them a sh1t present" or "this wedding's in Ashford Castle - Give them a better present".

This "cover the cost of the meal" stuff is an abomination.

Jame Gumb · 19-08-2012 02:14PM

BTW very little worse in this context than someone giving you a gift that's clearly some sh1te they had lying around their house or some unwanted gift that they received. Be less insulting to receive nothing.

Birroc · 19-08-2012 02:15PM

mikemac1 wrote: »

An invite to a wedding is like a letter from the Revenue

So true. I reckon the vast majority of people groan when they they get a wedding invite unless its very close family.

opinion guy · 19-08-2012 02:18PM

So question. If you decline a wedding invite do you still give a present ?

Jame Gumb · 19-08-2012 02:18PM

Birroc wrote: »

mikemac1 wrote: »

An invite to a wedding is like a letter from the Revenue

So true. I reckon the vast majority of people groan when they they get a wedding invite unless its very close family.

I find each one costs us around €1,000.

Two years ago we went to 10.

That's more than €20,000 of income.

When you stand back and analyse it, the whole things a tad nuts.

19-08-2012 02:21PM

opinion guy wrote: »

So question. If you decline a wedding invite do you still give a present ?

no

Jame Gumb · 19-08-2012 02:25PM

bluewolf wrote: »

opinion guy wrote: »

So question. If you decline a wedding invite do you still give a present ?

no

It depends.

If I would have gone but for some unforeseen circumstances, I'd give the couple a present.

But if it's a random invite (e.g. from a work colleague inviting everyone), then I wouldn't.

I'd ask myself whether, if the couple were just going off to be married on a beach on their own, would I give them a present?

rainbowtrout · 19-08-2012 02:32PM

opinion guy wrote: »

So question. If you decline a wedding invite do you still give a present ?

yes, i'd like to give them a present because I like them and want to wish them well in their marriage regardless of whether or not I attended the wedding.

Red21 · 19-08-2012 02:35PM

Jame Gumb wrote: »

When you stand back and analyse it, the whole things a tad nuts.

Yes the whole thing has gone absolutely crazy, it's a vicious circle, you can't really say much about it in public because, A- you'll be insulting a couple who went to an massive effort to put on a big day for all their friends family and co-worker, B-you'll be insulting those planning their big special day.
I also think the issue of people putting "cash gift only" or similiar type suggestions on the invite is a non-issue as it very rarely happens, i've never seen it, plus it's very easy to tell that person to "get f@cked" it's not so easy to leave down someone thats dead sound.

opinion guy · 19-08-2012 02:40PM

Jame Gumb wrote: »

It depends.

If I would have gone but for some unforeseen circumstances, I'd give the couple a present.

But if it's a random invite (e.g. from a work colleague inviting everyone), then I wouldn't.

I'd ask myself whether, if the couple were just going off to be married on a beach on their own, would I give them a present?

Didn't go because I couldn't afford to go. I have a feeling my friend wasn't to happy about it.

rainbowtrout · 19-08-2012 02:47PM

Red21 wrote: »

Yes the whole thing has gone absolutely crazy, it's a vicious circle, you can't really say much about it in public because, A- you'll be insulting a couple who went to an massive effort to put on a big day for all their friends family and co-worker, B-you'll be insulting those planning their big special day.
I also think the issue of people putting "cash gift only" or similiar type suggestions on the invite is a non-issue as it very rarely happens, i've never seen it, plus it's very easy to tell that person to "get f@cked" it's not so easy to leave down someone thats dead sound.

Particularly if you're about 30, so a lot of friends and family are of a similar age and are all getting married within a short period of time, it gets very expensive very quickly, to attend, stay over where necessary, arrange babysitting for those with kids. Gifts etc.

In terms of asking for cash for gifts a cousin of mine had a tacky little poem in her invite, I wasn't attending as it didn't suit and it was in UK so couldn't take all the days I would have needed for it, but the gist of the rhyme was 'we're together quite a while, and we're living together and we have all we need and your gift may not be to our taste but we are planning a honeymoon so we would like cash toward that instead'. It turned my stomach.

In my opinion a gift is just that , a gift. Nobody dictates what they should receive as a gift on any other occasion so why should a wedding be different? If the couple would prefer cash instead of gifts they should probably let their parents and groomsmen/bridesmaids know so if people ask what they should give they can be told of the preference discreetly. But I don't like being told what to give as a present.

JupiterKid · 19-08-2012 02:54PM

Irish weddings in the main have become outrageously extravagant and expensive. It's become a real farce in fact. You would think the recession would give people a bit of perspective and cause them to tone things down - but no.

Often, the most extravagant weddings are the most vulgar. The most forgettable too.

My close mate getting married next week is genuinely delighted with my gift that I made for him but he and his wife to be are such decent, sound people anyway that they wouldn't be expecting a cent off their friends but rather their company on the day and their friendship. Real friendship can't be measured in monetary terms.

We really could take a leaf out of England's book where weddings are generally a more simple, low key affair.

Solair · 19-08-2012 02:58PM

Being a bit broke at the moment, I buy a physical present and make sure it's personal, interesting and quirky and ignore all wedding lists and absolutely do not give cash!

My attitude is that I'm there to celebrate your marriage with you.

I am not responsible for your drastic over-spending habits inspired by Hollywood movies and MTV, nor am I responsible for furnishing your home.

If you get in a huff over wedding presents, then you're just revealing to your guests that you're a rather shallow individual who just wants their money and not their friendship.

Muckit · 19-08-2012 03:09PM

marshbaboon wrote: »

Didn't hire a band, but there was live music.

How do you have live music without a band... ??

opinion guy · 19-08-2012 05:03PM

Muckit wrote: »

How do you have live music without a band... ??

Invite the cast of Stomp

Motorist · 19-08-2012 06:37PM

I agree the cost of a wedding can be very high, but thinking about it - it's just a church ceremony and then a hotel reception. I think people expect a decent meal - you would have a decent meal for a birthday, or a colleagues going away party, etc - and then some entertainment after.

It's not all that extravagant, and the typical Irish wedding isn't exactly something you'll see on MTV.

It's unfortunate that a simple day does add so quickly to 15-20K but that just seems to be the reality of the situation. While I detest couples asking for presents or money, I think it's not that much to give around 60 to 75 euro a head. In fairness, if you went out for a meal with your friends or a night out with them, you wouldn't think twice about spending that amount. The line probably starts getting blurred when you're inviting people you haven't seen in years or who you barely know.

saiint · 19-08-2012 06:40PM

Starla_o0 wrote: »

Loads and loads on this in the wedding forum, but basically it comes down to two things:

1) What you can afford
2) How well you know them

As a couple, myself and the OH give €150, unless it's close family, where we give more.

your invited to my wedding

Colmustard · 19-08-2012 06:48PM

Jame Gumb wrote: »

I find each one costs us around €1,000.

Two years ago we went to 10.

That's more than €20,000 of income.

When you stand back and analyse it, the whole things a tad nuts.

Easilly I dread getting an invite, when you factor in the stag and the usual B+Bs because of the country wedding trend, the presents the day itself, it can cost a mininmun 500+.

There was 1 year I went to 6 and that year I had no holiday and very little disposable income. People think they are granting you a privilege by giving you an invite and you feel obligated to go.

Another thing is I always hated weddings and I have went to about 40 after the last one in fetard a year ago I announced I am going to no-more.

Motorist · 19-08-2012 06:56PM

One thing I dont understand is this new trend of turning it into a wedding weekend with a meal out the next night. I think one day is enough.

Motorist · 19-08-2012 07:00PM

Colmustard wrote: »

Easilly I dread getting an invite, when you factor in the stag and the usual B+Bs because of the country wedding trend, the presents the day itself, it can cost a mininmun 500+.

There was 1 year I went to 6 and that year I had no holiday and very little disposable income. People think they are granting you a privilege by giving you an invite and you feel obligated to go.

Another thing is I always hated weddings and I have went to about 40 after the last one in fetard a year ago I announced I am going to no-more.

What do you mean "country wedding trend"? Should all weddings be held in Dublin or beside where you live?

How much to give at a wedding

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