Am I annihilating my friendship for no reason?

LegacyUser · 02-08-2012 01:27PM #1

Fellow Boardsters,

I respect the opinions of folks here and the advice you guys give others is immensely important and I think genuinely helps people. Thus, I think of this corner of boards as a valuable service and the polar opposite of say, AH, but we all need a bit of AH from time to time ;-). However, this time, it's me who needs the advice.

Over the past few years, I've noticed that somehow, someway I managed to push my friends away from me. It would go through a great initial period and then dramatic downfall which is usually at the expense of something I've either said or done. Lately, I've gotten myself into another horrible situation.

I have a friend of mine...for about 4-5 years at this stage. The problem is that I don't know if it's feasible to remain friends with him anymore. We were the same about 5 years ago where we chatted a lot and got on great - sort of loved him as a friend. Since however, he's advanced with his life,...starting Ph.D alongside a respectable profession. Due to complications from my Asperger's Syndrome, I didn't 'catch-up' (because we sort of had the same ideas for the future) and haven't even finished my degree yet.

Seen as we seem to have very different lives now,...where he'll make a lot of money and hang around respectable folks...and I'm the opposite but trying hard to make amends to the mistakes I made during my college years - I just think it's becoming increasingly unlikely that we should remain friends. He's a genuinely nice guy but I just think maybe I'm out of my depth remaining friends with him. I always feel when I'm around him that I was the failure and he was the success and I'll always be playing 'catch-up' to his successes. In addition, being around him reminds me heavily of the mistakes I made during my college years.

I said some disagreeable things yesterday to him...but I just don't know if we should stay friends anymore. I sort of wish we could but these feelings won't go away I think. In addition, I've developed a small attraction to him over the years (although not heavily and he's straight not gay) and he's aware of my sexuality and think he never liked it and would have preferred that I was straight. He's not homophobic by the way.

Anyway, sorry for the long-winded post, just had to throw all this out there as it's been bothering me a lot lately. I just miss the times when we were on equal footing. I've such a great respect and admiration for him and it's hard to let it go so easily.

Dravokivich · 02-08-2012 02:00PM

I could be reading your OP wrong, but it appears to me you are looking to justify excluding yourself from the friendship with him based on your sexuality and his possible future social standing? I'm not too sure if the issue is with your relationship with him in that regards, it's more along the lines of how you are diminishing the value of your input into it. Which I think is likely to continue into other friendships/relationships you attempt to build.

LegacyUser · 02-08-2012 02:04PM

I appreciate the reply. If I'm honest, you're not the first to make comments along those lines...I just don't know if we can co-exist as friends given the stark differences between us now that didn't exist when we got on better when we first met.

Beruthiel · 02-08-2012 03:14PM

frienddestroyer I have gone through many friends in my life.
As we grow older and change, the friends that might have matched us in our teens many not in our twenties.
Same when you move into your thirties.
Constantly changing, constantly moving in different directions.
It seems natural to me that people will come and go throughout your life.
Don't beat yourself up about it. I consider it normal.
Just carry on with your life and let him go off with his.

woodchuck · 03-08-2012 01:24PM

I don't think he's done anything that would make him deserve being dropped as a friend. Sure, people can go different directions in life and naturally grow apart, but I don't think you should be treating this as a conscious decision that has to be made. Just see how things go for a while! So he's starting a PhD... he'll still be a student and not earning very good money to start off with, so I don't think you'll notice as much of a difference as you think. Also if you're planning on going down the same route as him I would've thought it would be very helpful to know somebody in that area that could give you valuable advice and introduce you to the right people! I know it sounds like you've an inferiority complex when it comes to him, but you could really use this situation to your advantage if you can manage to overcome this and I don't think it's worth throwing away a good friendship because of it.

Am I annihilating my friendship for no reason?

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