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Give potential friend a chance? Girls please chime in

  • 19-07-2012 08:00PM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭


    I asked a girl out for a drink a while back and although we got along very well she told me she wasn't looking for any romantic/physical. We'd only gone on 2 "dates" so I wasn't too bothered and said I appreciated her honesty and since we'd gotten on we could still be friends if she didn't think it was awkward. She seemed keen to do so.

    Since then we've been texting a bit (nothing serious, maybe a few times a week). I've been inviting her to "friendly" things like to my birthday drinks, the cinema etc. a few times. She's always very friendly but always declines. She never invites me to anything, or initiates contact but normally has a nice reply when I ask her how she is.

    Now I'm no lovesick puppy, I've actually been with people since but I actually genuinely wanted to be friends. I thought we had a pretty good track record with being up front with each other so if she didn't want to be friends, I'd like to think she would have told me. We have no mutual friends so there would be no repercussions for her to just ignore me or tell me to stop. Without trying to guess her intentions anyway, she seems like a pretty crappy friend.

    So my question is, is it fair if I just give up on this person?
    Or is she just shy/awkward/doesn't know what she wants. Does she need time? I think I've extended the olive branch a few times by now and don't want to waste my time if she's just being polite. Should I say something?


Comments

  • #2
    Katgurl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,145 ✭✭✭Katgurl


    i'd take the same approach i'd take with any friendship in its early days - if you are the one initiating the contact / attempting to meet and its not happening i'd let it fizzle away. if she wants to pursue the friendship then happy days. If not, no major harm done.

    I wouldn't bother saying anything. She doesn't owe you anything.


  • #3
    Lorna123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,116 ✭✭✭Lorna123


    She comes across to me OP as not wanting to be friends as she has never gone to anything you asked her to go to and never invited you to anything. That alone says a lot. She probably thinks that you are trying to get closer to her and hoping for something more than friends in the future so she is being very cautious. I certainly would not ask her to anything else unless she asks you to something first. Let it fizzle out.


  • #4
    Merkin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    letsjustbefriendsreally wrote: »
    Now I'm no lovesick puppy, I've actually been with people since but I actually genuinely wanted to be friends.

    I don't know you from Adam but I don't believe that's the case. If you wanted to be friends with someone with no alterior motive you wouldn't repeatedly text them suggesting friendly hooks ups if they didn't seem that interested in bothering to meet with you. I'd say your keeness and over eagerness is coming accross and while you may think you genuinely just want to be friends, to her it seems like you are probably trying to be friends in the vein hope that she will change her mind and want to go out with you. The fact you've started a thread on it speaks volumes really - if this was just a platonic situation you wouldn't be bothering your arse with someone who clearly doesn't want to meet up. I'd leave it if I were you.


  • #5
    Dark Paintedcurtain
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7 ✭Dark Paintedcurtain


    Or is she just shy/awkward/doesn't know what she wants.

    She may be shy and awkward but dismissing her as someone who just doesn't know what she wants is patronising. Even if it's true, having doubts about you is ok. She makes her own decisions and it's not up to you to chase after her to make them for her. She has your number, if she wants to talk to you, she can. The fact that she doesn't doesn't suggest that she is confused, it suggests that she's overwhelmed or put off by your attention.

    If it is simply a matter of her finding it difficult to be sociable, that's not really something you can fix as a relative stranger and by putting her under pressure to socialise, you're just making matters worse by making her feel obligated. Failing to meet the obligations (even if it seems to you that 'obligation' is too strong a word, we all are built in with a desire to please or impress) creates more anxiety and feelings of failure and would serve neither of you.


  • #6
    ash23
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,791 ✭✭✭ash23


    Why do you want to be friends with her? Leaving out the fact that you fancy her, why bother? I don't know about you OP but my friends call me and text me and we go out and have a laugh together. What you've got from her is a very lukewarm response to all your attempts at being her friend.

    Maybe she is shy or maybe she just doesn't know how to say "no" to someone and thinks it was better/easier to agree to being "friends" than to say she had no interest in you.

    Just cut her loose. She has no interest in you, either as a potential boyfriend or as a friend. She's just too chicken to say so imo.
    I asked a girl out for a drink a while back and although we got along very well she told me she wasn't looking for any romantic/physical.

    Oh and OP, just so you know, if she had no interest in looking for a romantic or physical relationship at all, she wouldn't have agreed to a date. Total cop out and a method of trying not to hurt your feelings. She seemed keen to stay friends because it got her off the hook.


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  • #7
    Ellsbells
    Closed Accounts Posts: 985 ✭✭✭Ellsbells


    Has she ever contacted you first?


  • #8
    Matteroffact
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 457 ✭✭Matteroffact


    letsjustbefriendsreally wrote: »
    I asked a girl out for a drink a while back and although we got along very well she told me she wasn't looking for any romantic/physical. We'd only gone on 2 "dates" so I wasn't too bothered and said I appreciated her honesty and since we'd gotten on we could still be friends if she didn't think it was awkward. She seemed keen to do so.

    Since then we've been texting a bit (nothing serious, maybe a few times a week). I've been inviting her to "friendly" things like to my birthday drinks, the cinema etc. a few times. She's always very friendly but always declines. She never invites me to anything, or initiates contact but normally has a nice reply when I ask her how she is.

    Now I'm no lovesick puppy, I've actually been with people since but I actually genuinely wanted to be friends. I thought we had a pretty good track record with being up front with each other so if she didn't want to be friends, I'd like to think she would have told me. We have no mutual friends so there would be no repercussions for her to just ignore me or tell me to stop. Without trying to guess her intentions anyway, she seems like a pretty crappy friend.

    So my question is, is it fair if I just give up on this person?
    Or is she just shy/awkward/doesn't know what she wants. Does she need time? I think I've extended the olive branch a few times by now and don't want to waste my time if she's just being polite. Should I say something?

    She is just being polite OP, she is not interested in being physical or anything else with you. I am sorry to be so blunt but that is the message she is giving you. So now you are in the happy position that you can forget about her and meet someone new who will want to go places with you.


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