Wedding invite - don't want friend's girlfriend there

LegacyUser · 04-06-2012 08:32PM #1

Hoping some of you married folk might have been through this and can advise.

My fiancé and I are working on our wedding invites.

My fiancé has a friend, George, who he wishes to invite. George is a lovely guy and though he's not my fiance's closest friend, George's brother is one of my fiance's best friends. I would have no problem inviting George, but I have a big problem with his long term (8 years +) girlfriend and absolutely do not want her at my wedding if at all possible.

I'm curious if others have dealt with situations like this when it came to wedding invites? My fiancé doesn't want to upset George by not inviting him, but understands why I don't want George's girlfriend there.

I'm thinking we say it's a small family wedding (it isn't, really) and hope George won't be offended but my fiancé thinks George will be really let down by this, particularly when everyone else from his circle of friends will be at our wedding. I understand this issue.

Backstory: I was born with a physical disability. My fiancé was in a relationship with George's girlfriend's best friend for 3 years before we met. It was casual, they were both very young and it ended on ok terms but when my fiancé moved on and met me (10 months later), the ex turned nasty. She ganged up with George's girlfriend and both made very public nasty comments about my disability when I came on the scene.

I somewhat understood my fiance's ex having an issue with me, it was clear she had a lot of issues and wasn't able to get over the relationship but I couldn't understand why George's girlfriend needed to turn nasty towards me too, and to stoop to such lows. Surely she should have been telling her friend to cop on.

Over four years on, the giggling, pointing and smirking eventually died out, but to this day George's girlfriend has never spoken to me, or acknowledged me. She will speak to everyone in the group when we're all together except me. She will never make eye contact with me and acts as though I don't exist, looks past me in a crowd or straight through me. I must admit I haven't made much effort with her either as she really hurt my feelings.

I would feel genuinely sickened to think of her watching me walk up the aisle (my disability means I walk poorly) as the first time she saw me she took photos and sent them onto my fiance's ex laughing at me. A mutual friend told us about this later and the ex also proudly displayed the pics on her phone to anyone who would look, complete with mocking captions from george's girlfriend.

My fiancé ended up having to get the Gardai to have a word with the ex as she began to follow us everywhere we went, and thankfully she isn't much of an issue now, but I see George's girlfriend as a direct link to the ex. I picture her sending photos to the ex and them mocking me on my special day.

I would prefer not to fall out with George but I can live with it if it's the only way to not feel nervous and stressed as I walk down the aisle.

I completely understand though why my fiancé feels so awkward about this, I wouldn't like to upset George's brother as he is one of my fiance's best friends, and my fiancé does spend quite a bit of time with George also, though he despises the girlfriend.

I'm not sure if George knows anything of what his girlfriend did or cares as it's so long ago and he barely knew me at the time. George regularly admits that she's a very "bitchy" woman and rolls his eyes about her regular falling outs with other women.

This whole issue is making me feel ill to the point that I'm tempted to pull out of our plans here and just go with a wedding abroad where we can invite only those we want, but my grandmother in her 90s would not be able to attend and that would break my heart.

Any advice? Anyone gone through this and thought of a solution?

username123 · 04-06-2012 10:31PM

Your wedding, invite who you want.

Personally, Id be blunt and tell George out straight that he is welcome but she isnt, and why. So what if George and/or his gf are upset? She didnt care about your feelings when she was mocking your disability? And as for George, well if he is with someone who behaves like that then he is gonna have to put up with the consequences of that association.

The main thing is this, dont stress over these people, its your wedding, your big day, its about you and your partner and no one else. Do not feel obliged to invite people, and dont worry about the fall out of not inviting certain individuals, given your post you would be mad to invite this woman, and anyone with any sense will understand that, and if they dont, so what?

I personally cut some people from my own wedding, more to do with numbers than dislike, but there wasnt any fall out. Its your own business who you invite.

P. Breathnach · 04-06-2012 10:37PM

Have you what diplomats refer to as "back channels"? Can your fiancé speak as a friend to George's brother, and explain the problem, or at least enough of it for George's brother to be able to help find a solution?

fallen01angel · 04-06-2012 10:48PM

Hi OP,1st of all reading you post made me angry at the whole "mean girls" behaviour of these women,your wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of your life and I'm not sure how you have any chance of that happening if this woman attends it.
My advice to you is for your fiance and yourself to sit down with George together and discuss the understandable reluctance to have his girlfriend there,is he even fully aware of the examples of cruel behaviour of his girlfiend to you.TBH if it was me there is no way I could tolerate such a spiteful woman attending such a happy occassion.

ziedth · 04-06-2012 10:54PM

Hi OP,

As I started reading your post I was thinking "just invite her" I didn't like everyone at my wedding but as I got to the reason why I'd be amazed if anyone expected you to invite her.

My advice is get your OH to say it to George or his brother. fully explain why and don't give it a second thought. My guess is George won't go but that's not your problem either.

edellc · 04-06-2012 11:22PM

OP I agree with all the above, Its your special day and no one has the right to make you feel small on your day, so if this bitch would make you feel small then she is axed from your wedding simple

your OH should understand this and like others have said if George wants to be with someone as nasty as this then he has to deal with the consequences of it, and either attend the wedding alone or not at all

best of luck on your big day and may it go exactly how you plan without the nasty bitch in sight, it really is mean girl stuff and playground antics

peace and love op x

The Lovely Muffin · 04-06-2012 11:23PM

I agree with others here OP, do not invite this woman, she sounds like a nasty, spiteful evil person and I wouldn't have anything to do with her whatsoever.

It's your wedding so you should invite who you want and you should not be stressed and nervous at any part of the day. It's the most special day of your life and as you'll only be getting married once you should make the most of it.

I would sit down with George and explain that while he is welcome to come along to your wedding, his girlfriend is unwelcome after her behaviour towards you.

Frankly I don't know how anyone could put up with a woman like her and I most definitely wouldn't be inviting her to any event in my life, let alone a wedding.

thefeatheredcat · 05-06-2012 12:27AM

You want a happy day for yourself and your loved ones and for people you care about. It is an occasion for people who wish you well on a new chapter in your life. People who want you to go forward in happiness.

Having being extensively bullied the last people I would ever wish at such an occasion are people who made my life a misery because no matter what I wouldn't think they deserve to share in my personal happiness.

I wouldn't include her. She had a choice to do what she did. She made her choice. And now has to accept that choice has consequences. The consequence of her participation in bulling behaviour towards you is that she is excluded from your wedding. And I say justifiably so. She should not make a deal out of if she has any shred of shame or guilt for what she did.

If George or his partner kick up a fuss, that's their problem, not yours. No doubt she will be bitchy about it but then again, she has no justification to feel put out about not being invited and you do not owe her anything. If George knows what she is like and is accustomed to her falling out with people, it should really not come as much as a surprise. If you both wish George there, then invite him only.

Invite those you wish to be part of a beautiful occasion that will send you into a positive future, rather than those who will remind you of an unhappy time or make you feel uncomfortable on a day when negative thoughts or troubled past should be the furtherest from your mind.

beks101 · 05-06-2012 02:42AM

Agree 100% with username123.

What a rotten bitch of a woman. George is no fool, he's been with her long enough and I would be very surprised if this was the first time her behaviour landed him in a tricky situation.

Get your partner to explain to George that this woman and her lovely friend essentially bullied you and mocked you publicly over your disability for no reason but that the ex had issues moving on with her life. You did absolutely nothing to warrant it, and four years later, are having trouble with the thought that someone so 'unsupportive' of you and your relationship (to say the least) could be a witness to you walking down the aisle on one of the best days of your life.

So, therefore, she is not welcome. But he is.

Simple as that.

Don't stress over this OP - let George be informed and leave it at that. She's an absolute scumbag by all accounts and not worthy of the stress and anguish this is causing you. No doubt she will kick up a fuss if she hears, let her off, people like her rarely change.

Enjoy your day!

tinkerbell · 05-06-2012 08:06AM

There is no way in hell that you should be inviting that cow to your wedding. To be quite honest - to hell with her. WHY should you invite someone who treated you so bad? It's the most special day of your life, you should be celebrating it with people who love you and care about you - not those who made your life hell a few years ago. So don't attempt to invite her at all. Tell George that you will not be inviting her because she was awful to you a few years ago, if he will still come to the wedding by himself then great, if not, well his loss.

Sleepy · 05-06-2012 09:32AM

Nothing stopping you from sending a single invite to George with no mention of a +1 on it.

Ask your fiancée to say it to George's brother that she's been deliberately left off the invite and explain the reasons why.

If he accepts the invite, well and good, if he doesn't no harm: he was invited so you and the fiancée can have clear consciences. No one could expect you to have his other half at the wedding.

2rkehij30qtza5 · 05-06-2012 09:37AM

Sleepy wrote: »

Nothing stopping you from sending a single invite to George with no mention of a +1 on it.

Ask your fiancée to say it to George's brother that she's been deliberately left off the invite and explain the reasons why.

If he accepts the invite, well and good, if he doesn't no harm: he was invited so you and the fiancée can have clear consciences. No one could expect you to have his other half at the wedding.

+1
You are not best friends with George anyway so just tell the brother. You can't stand the girlfriend so why have her at your special day when looking at her and seeing her in group pictures will only turn yor stomach?
Realise that when planning your wedding you will NOT please everyone! So concentrate on pleasing yourself and those you care about. Someone's nose will always be out of joint no matter what and in this case it'll probably be someone you don't care much about anyway!! Enjoy your big day!!

hdowney · 05-06-2012 10:15AM

I agree with all the above posters. She should in no way be invited. I have been bullied extensively throughout my life and I can honestly say not one of them would be invited to my wedding (if I ever get married :rolleyes:) even if they were married to my best friend or a relative. Not a hope. By all means invite George, you are friends and you like him, but it needs to be made clear that she is not on the invite list and why, then it is up to him if he still wants to come.

One thing though, some people suggested sending out an invite to George minus the usual +1. That could backfire, as George 'could' assume that even though it isn't mentioned, that you had intended the invite to cover both of them, and could bring her. I have heard of it happening. So I think it is best that he be clear on the fact that she is completely unwelcome at your special day.

Congrats to you both btw

littlefriend · 05-06-2012 10:21AM

Please don't waste your energy at this lovely time in your life thinking about that awful woman. Ask your fiance (or perhaps doing it yourself might be of benefit to you) to speak to George and explain the reasons why his girlfriend most definitely will not be invited. If he is as nice a person as you say then there is no way he would like your day to be spoiled in any way for you.
I agree with the earlier poster who said this is probably not the first time her behaviour has caused issues and it probably won't be the last.

I hope you have the wonderful day you deserve! Enjoy

username123 · 05-06-2012 11:20AM

hdowney wrote: »

One thing though, some people suggested sending out an invite to George minus the usual +1. That could backfire, as George 'could' assume that even though it isn't mentioned, that you had intended the invite to cover both of them, and could bring her. I have heard of it happening.

I agree, I wouldnt send George a postal invite at all, Id just le him know verbally that he and he alone is welcome.

Johnny_BravoIII · 05-06-2012 03:20PM

If you decide not to invite this woman then you need to explain your decision to George & his Oh. Personally, I like to do things face-to-face but a letter could also work.

tbh · 05-06-2012 03:25PM

your fiance talks to George and says "Listen George, you know the score between my missus and your missus - the way things are, my missus wouldn't feel good if your missus went to the wedding. We'd love to have you there on your own, but I understand if that's awkward for you and we don't want to put you in the middle of anything. So, if you want to come on your own, that's fine, and if you feel like you can't, there's no hard feelings and maybe we should try and sort the whole thing out after the wedding at some stage."

miss.aok · 05-06-2012 04:48PM

Hi, if the girlfriend doesnt acknowlege you and doesnt like you then theres a chance she wont want to go at all to the wedding.

edellc · 05-06-2012 04:53PM

if she has mocked the OP and sent recording of the OP walking with her disability to the OP's, OH's ex GF then I can imagine her wanting to go, it would be a perfect opportunity for her to be part of the OP intimate day and go back to the friend and mock the OP some more

went to school with girls like this thankfully that was a long time ago and since i left i have never had to have contact with them again

hdowney · 05-06-2012 04:54PM

edellc wrote: »

if she has mocked the OP and sent recording of the OP walking with her disability to the OP's, OH's ex GF then I can imagine her wanting to go, it would be a perfect opportunity for her to be part of the OP intimate day and go back to the friend and mock the OP some more

went to school with girls like this thankfully that was a long time ago and since i left i have never had to have contact with them again

I agree completely. I can't see yer wan electing to stay away. I can see her thinking it'd be too good an opportunity to pass up. I mean she can hardly have changed her ways or she would have found some way to apologise to the op

LegacyUser · 05-06-2012 05:13PM

tbh wrote: »

your fiance talks to George and says "Listen George, you know the score between my missus and your missus - the way things are, my missus wouldn't feel good if your missus went to the wedding. We'd love to have you there on your own, but I understand if that's awkward for you and we don't want to put you in the middle of anything. So, if you want to come on your own, that's fine, and if you feel like you can't, there's no hard feelings and maybe we should try and sort the whole thing out after the wedding at some stage.."

+1 with the exception of the: and maybe we should try and sort the whole thing out after the wedding at some stage.

I do not want to sound crass but considering what a b*tch and nutjob she is to you OP, would she actually go to your wedding anyways if invited? I would think not unless she is a sociopath. I wouldn't waste too much time on this toxic waste, imo. Just do what tbh suggests and please move on from this. The added stress and anxiety is not worth it.

Congratulations and good luck with all the planning.

Daisy M · 05-06-2012 05:17PM

I think you should tell george exactly why she is not been invited, you may be doing him a favour by letting him know exactly how "bitchy" his girlfriend actually is.

Riskymove · 05-06-2012 05:48PM

tbh wrote: »

your fiance talks to George and says "Listen George, you know the score between my missus and your missus - the way things are, my missus wouldn't feel good if your missus went to the wedding. We'd love to have you there on your own, but I understand if that's awkward for you and we don't want to put you in the middle of anything. So, if you want to come on your own, that's fine, and if you feel like you can't, there's no hard feelings and maybe we should try and sort the whole thing out after the wedding at some stage."

that's fair enough, maybe that would work out ok... but... I think inviting George and telling him his girlfriend isn't welcome will only cause more trouble than its worth imo

its gonna cause stress to george also imo, being put in this situation, especially if he is the only one not getting a +1?

in all fairness, I can't see george (if the relationship is anyway serious) saying to himself "grand I am off to have a great time at the wedding of a woman who hates my girlfriend. I am sure the Missus wont mind"

Let's be honest here, if another thread was opened by some bloke saying "I have been invited to my brother's mate's wedding but they don't want my girlfriend there cause the bride hates her"....what would people be saying?

the easiest thing is not to invite george....by all means have your fiance explain why to him, but I'd just leave it at that

Big Bag of Chips · 05-06-2012 06:35PM

Riskymove wrote: »

the easiest thing is not to invite george....by all means have your fiance explain why to him, but I'd just leave it at that

I tend to agree!

If George is with this one 8 years, then I'm fairly sure he knows how she feels about you. And I'd be fairly sure she has said things to him about you too. Not saying George agrees with her or partakes in the slagging, but he will know how she feels about you.

Also - if you don't speak to each other when you are out in the same company, it must be obvious to him, and the others.

I'd be willing to guess that George isn't expecting an invite to the wedding. I'd also guess that if he got one he wouldn't go (or wouldn't be allowed go!)

I'd just say, leave it - say nothing and carry on with your plans.
He's hardly likely to come up to you and ask why he didn't get an invite? and if he does that's when you tell him!

CathyMoran · 05-06-2012 09:35PM

I was made invite someone to my wedding who is horrible to me and bullies me - I try to ignore the person where possible but there are two people getting married and sometimes you have to invite horrible people

I was very ill when I got married and half of me regrets not telling her where to stuff it. Her children and sister are lovely though. Sorry, hate not liking someone.

The person will be on their best behaviour if they come and if the wedding is big enough you could avoud them.

The Princess Bride · 05-06-2012 10:10PM

CathyMoran wrote: »

but there are two people getting married and sometimes you have to invite horrible people
The person will be on their best behaviour if they come

I disagree that you should have to invite horrible people.

And likewise,there is no indication that this excuse for a human would be nice to the OP on this special day.

This is one of the most upsetting posts I've ever read in PI.
Bottom line- your fiancé's most important person is you,OP, not his friend or George- he might have to face either or both and be brutally honest.
So be it.

The most important thing is that you have an amazing day,and never ever look back and regret having had someone there who was( & possibly still is!) quite honestly, downright nasty and hideous.

Have a fantastic day,take care you.

tinkerbell · 06-06-2012 12:00AM

CathyMoran wrote: »

I was made invite someone to my wedding who is horrible to me and bullies me - I try to ignore the person where possible but there are two people getting married and sometimes you have to invite horrible people I was very ill when I got married and half of me regrets not telling her where to stuff it. Her children and sister are lovely though. Sorry, hate not liking someone.

The person will be on their best behaviour if they come and if the wedding is big enough you could avoud them.

msthe80s wrote: »

I disagree that you should have to invite horrible people.

This. I completely disagree that you should have to invite horrible people. Cathy, it was not right that you'd to invite someone who bullied you to your wedding.

OP, stand your ground. Do not invite that cow.

LegacyUser · 06-06-2012 12:30AM

I didn't invite a couple that was in our circle of friends because my wife couldn't stand the boyfriend (in fairness he was an incredibly aggressive dislikeable bloke who pretty much pissed everyone off over the years) . I was sorry in the long run . Excluding them drew a line in the sand with us and them and caused a lot of awkward moments over the years since.
In hindsight - your wedding day is full of everybody you love and everywhere you turn has people you want to be with. You can easily ignore anyone you don't need to talk to

troposphere · 06-06-2012 03:38AM

Whitewedding2012 wrote: »

Over four years on, the giggling, pointing and smirking eventually died out, but to this day George's girlfriend has never spoken to me, or acknowledged me. She will speak to everyone in the group when we're all together except me. She will never make eye contact with me and acts as though I don't exist, looks past me in a crowd or straight through me. I must admit I haven't made much effort with her either as she really hurt my feelings.

From reading what you have wrote you should in no way feel bad for not inviting her to your special day. To play devil's advocate, is there a chance she might feel ashamed for her past actions and that causes the lack of eye contact, etc.?

username123 · 06-06-2012 10:35AM

I completely disagree that you have to invite horrible people to your wedding. Some people may feel due to family or peer pressure that its necessary. Personally, I dont. Im happy in the strength of my own convictions and I dont have to answer to anyone about who I invite to a party I am paying for.

I also wouldnt worry about it drawing a line in the sand. If said individual is horrible and nasty, then why would I want them in my life anyway? Id be happy to have a line drawn where its clear that I find their behaviour unacceptable. Otherwise Im only faking it anyway - and I dont do faking it in personal interactions, if I dont like someone I dont interact with them, end of.

Its not just about ignoring someone and not talking to them. Thats fine if you just have a personal dislike for someone but the person hasnt actually done anything specific on you. This individual has mocked the OP for a disability. If she was at the wedding the OP would feel self conscious and worried about it. Her mind would not be at rest. She would be wondering if the girl was saying nasty things about her, it would be a complete head wreck for the OP.

I am a friend · 06-06-2012 01:17PM

I wouldnt ask her but I would ask him. She has no right to be there after the way she bullied you. If George asks why she was not invited I would tell him but he doesnt need an explanation (as he should already know) before the invite goes out.

Wedding invite - don't want friend's girlfriend there

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