Should a father be able to disclaim a child if he doesn't want it?

ibarelycare · 03-05-2012 09:13AM #1

My friend has got a girl pregnant. Contraception failed. They're not in a relationship, they only slept together a few times. Girl told him she was pregnant, friend does not want her to have the baby but girl won't have an abortion.

This leads to my question. If necessary precautions against pregnancy were made, yet failed, and if the man is totally against the woman having the baby, is it fair that he should have to take on the responsibilities of being a father, and pay child support?

This is something I've been thinking about for the last few days since I found out. If no contraception had been used I would have said straight away that the man should own up and take responsibility, but since he 100% didn't, and still doesn't, want the baby, yet the choice has been taken out of his hands completely, I wonder whether he really should have to.

Mr.Crinklewood · 03-05-2012 09:15AM

He should take responsibility for his actions.

lazygal · 03-05-2012 09:15AM

If you're having sex, a baby is a potential outcome. A woman in Ireland without the means to procure a termination abroad has no choice but to have the child. Surely the same should go for men in equality terms?

ntlbell · 03-05-2012 09:16AM

Mr.Crinklewood wrote: »

He should take responsibility for his actions.

This is fair if he also has a decision in the abortion process but he doesn't.

You can't have the butter and the money for it.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar · 03-05-2012 09:17AM

yes, but he should have to fly to england to do it

ibarelycare · 03-05-2012 09:18AM

lazygal wrote: »

If you're having sex, a baby is a potential outcome. A woman in Ireland without the means to procure a termination abroad has no choice but to have the child. Surely the same should go for men in equality terms?

FWIW they're not in Ireland, they live in a country where abortion is legal.

slarkin123 · 03-05-2012 09:19AM

No he should still be responsible for the child. It takes 2 people to make a pregnancy, one shouldn't be able to walk away just because she won't have an abortion. Deciding to have an abortion is a very hard decision to make and a lot of people just wouldn't be able to handle it. There's enough dead beat dads out there without giving more a free pass. Why should one person be responsible for raising a child when it took 2 to make him/her? Accidents happen and everyone in the situation needs to face up to their responsibility whether they like it or not.

enda1 · 03-05-2012 09:20AM

Yes of course he should. Of course this would mean he'd have no visitation rights and no possibility to ever raise a claim of paternity at any future stage.

On a simpler note however, can't he just say now that it's not his?

biko · 03-05-2012 09:21AM

I know it's easy to say but if he's not ready for a child the there is just one way to make absolutely sure, not having sex in the first place.
Or backdoor, if she'll agree.

But in this case, he was there and now he needs to man up.

haminka · 03-05-2012 09:22AM

Legally and morally he is responsible for the baby.
It takes two to tango and contraception can fail. If he wanted to be 100% sure he wouldn't be fathering a baby he should have gotten a snip or stuck his wingilingy into a bee hive instead.
It's his baby and his responsibility now, even if he doesn't want to do anything with the woman. The notion that if the man doesn't want a baby and relied on contraception which can and sometimes will fail is not responsible for the baby's upbringing now is ridiculous.

Sindri · 03-05-2012 09:22AM

Like.... leave them at the lost and found? Or in a pillow case beside the wheelie bin?

Dyr · 03-05-2012 09:24AM

Mr.Crinklewood wrote: »

He should take responsibility for his actions.

Unless he was responsible for manufacture of the contraception involved that's a load of bollix.

haminka · 03-05-2012 09:25AM

ibarelycare wrote: »

FWIW they're not in Ireland, they live in a country where abortion is legal.

While I'm pro abortion I completely understand if the woman decides not to go for it. It is not about spiting the man, at the end of the day she will be a single mum and that's not an easy position.
There are potential mental and physical consequences of an abortion /it could result in complications and potential infertility for a certain % of women/ that some women simply don't want to risk. Only a wimp and moron would force a woman to get the abortion because he doesn't want the responsibility. You don't want kids, get your balls cut off.

Cee-Jay-Cee · 03-05-2012 09:25AM

I dont think its right that he should get to walk away and so he should take some responsibility but on the other hand what sort of a father is he going to be if he doesnt or never wanted the child.

She's probably better off without him, take nothing from him and cut all contact and never allow him access to the child. If he is wrecked with guilt in later life then tough shít, that was the choice he made.

KittyeeTrix · 03-05-2012 09:27AM

Sindri wrote: »

Like.... leave them at the lost and found? Or in a pillow case beside the wheelie bin?

That kinda isn't funny..............like, at all:(:confused:

ibarelycare · 03-05-2012 09:34AM

enda1 wrote: »

Yes of course he should. Of course this would mean he'd have no visitation rights and no possibility to ever raise a claim of paternity at any future stage.

On a simpler note however, can't he just say now that it's not his?

Well he's asked for a paternity test as early as possible.

haminka wrote: »

While I'm pro abortion I completely understand if the woman decides not to go for it. It is not about spiting the man, at the end of the day she will be a single mum and that's not an easy position.
There are potential mental and physical consequences of an abortion /it could result in complications and potential infertility for a certain % of women/ that some women simply don't want to risk. Only a wimp and moron would force a woman to get the abortion because he doesn't want the responsibility. You don't want kids, get your balls cut off.

Oh I completely agree. Although I think abortion should be discussed by both parties, the final decision should lie with the woman. He'd never try and force her to have an abortion. He asked her would she have one, she said no. He asked was she sure, she said yes. That was the end of that.

silly · 03-05-2012 09:34AM

Bambi wrote: »

Unless he was responsible for manufacture of the contraception involved that's a load of bollix.

everyone knows that no contraception is 100% except of course abstinence.
He had sex with her. Now there is a baby on the way thats his.
So, I would think that he should take responsibilty for his actions.

expecting someone to abort a child is alot more damaging than expecting someone to support a child.

Dravokivich · 03-05-2012 09:34AM

I'd say no, but the harsh reality of it is, you can't force anybody to be someone they are not.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar · 03-05-2012 09:40AM

silly wrote: »

everyone knows that no contraception is 100% except of course abstinence.
He had sex with her. Now there is a baby on the way thats his.
So, I would think that he should take responsibilty for his actions.

rofl
if a man said that about a woman who wanted an abortion there'd be sheer bloody murder

smash · 03-05-2012 09:42AM

it's pretty damaging to children growing up knowing they weren't wanted. Going by your friends attitude I feel the child would be better off without him in their life. It's very sad actually.

ibarelycare · 03-05-2012 09:45AM

smash wrote: »

it's pretty damaging to children growing up knowing they weren't wanted. Going by your friends attitude I feel the child would be better off without him in their life. It's very sad actually.

It is sad however it's very early days and I still think he's in shock. He's not exactly on great terms with the girl, which makes things a lot harder. Apparently she's a bit of a psycho (he says this only came to light after sleeping with her) and if it wasn't for the pregnancy he'd happily never speak to her again. Another huge issue is that they're work colleagues :pac: I do hope if the child is his that he will come around to the idea and take responsibility. He's a good guy and I think his head is just a bit messed up at the moment.

smash · 03-05-2012 09:47AM

ibarelycare wrote: »

Apparently she's a bit of a psycho (he says this only came to light after sleeping with her) and if it wasn't for the pregnancy he'd happily never speak to her again.

But he slept with her a few times...

At this point, the best he could hope for (and I really hate to say it) is that she has a miscarriage.

lynski · 03-05-2012 09:50AM

reverse the question; girl is pregnant she wants to terminate but he does not and wants to raise the child. should she have to go through with the pregnancy to give him a child he wants and she does not?
in this era it is an inequity that a man can become a father against his will while a woman can choose to terminate. unless they specifically decided to have a baby together she knew the risks also and took them with a man she barely knows.
i do not think men should be forced to become fathers against their will, she has a choice.
if they were in a relationship, living together having sex a few times a week for months on end different story, but a person he barely knows?

Dermighty · 03-05-2012 09:53AM

KittyeeTrix wrote: »

That kinda isn't funny..............like, at all:(:confused:

It is funny. You're too sensitive.

silly · 03-05-2012 09:54AM

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar wrote: »

rofl
if a man said that about a woman who wanted an abortion there'd be sheer bloody murder

Tbh, I don't think there would. There are cases where i think abortion is more aceptable than others, but getting pregnant because the contraception didnt work wouldnt be one of them.

Dyr · 03-05-2012 09:54AM

silly wrote: »

everyone knows that no contraception is 100% except of course abstinence.
He had sex with her. Now there is a baby on the way thats his.
So, I would think that he should take responsibilty for his actions.

expecting someone to abort a child is alot more damaging than expecting someone to support a child.

If I take part in a boxing match and the other lad winds up cabbaged then it's not my responsibility to be changing his nappies for the rest of his natural. We both understood the risks when we participated in the boxing match.

She understood the risk and the consequences, as she does now. She has a choice, and she made it but so does he and he's entitled to make that choice.

tbh if the shoe was on the other foot and yer man was demanding that she have the baby against her wishes he'd be getting short shrift

smash · 03-05-2012 09:56AM

lynski wrote: »

reverse the question; girl is pregnant she wants to terminate but he does not and wants to raise the child. should she have to go through with the pregnancy to give him a child he wants and she does not?

You can't reverse it like that. It's her body, why should she have to do that to her body if she doesn't want to?

silly · 03-05-2012 09:56AM

Bambi wrote: »

If I take part in a boxing match and the other lad winds up cabbaged then it's not my responsibility to be changing his nappies for the rest of his natural. We both understood the risks when we participated in the boxing match.

eh? That is a completely different situation!?? Where does a boxing match come into it?

ibarelycare · 03-05-2012 09:57AM

smash wrote: »

But he slept with her a few times...

At this point, the best he could hope for (and I really hate to say it) is that she has a miscarriage.

He slept with her twice, he SAYS the psycho-ness only came to light after all the sexing

Ugh that is a horrible thing to say, and my boyfriend said it too, but I know it probably would be a relief to him

Turtyturd · 03-05-2012 09:57AM

Sindri wrote: »

Like.... leave them at the lost and found? Or in a pillow case beside the wheelie bin?

No thanks yet.....keep trying though.

Nothingbetter2d · 03-05-2012 09:59AM

ibarelycare wrote: »

My friend has got a girl pregnant. Contraception failed. They're not in a relationship, they only slept together a few times. Girl told him she was pregnant, friend does not want her to have the baby but girl won't have an abortion.

This leads to my question. If necessary precautions against pregnancy were made, yet failed, and if the man is totally against the woman having the baby, is it fair that he should have to take on the responsibilities of being a father, and pay child support?

This is something I've been thinking about for the last few days since I found out. If no contraception had been used I would have said straight away that the man should own up and take responsibility, but since he 100% didn't, and still doesn't, want the baby, yet the choice has been taken out of his hands completely, I wonder whether he really should have to.

provided you can PROOVE he is the father by dna test he cannot run from his legal responsiblities (thus he will by law be required to pay maintenance)

as for playing an active role in the child's upbringing beyond financial support he doesn't have to if he doesnt want to.

NO contraception is 100% safe.... it even says it on the box. if you par-take in sexual intercourse you gotta be prepared to deal with the consequences.

Should a father be able to disclaim a child if he doesn't want it?

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