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Expensive Hen Weekends Away
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They're just better liars than we are clint!clint_silver wrote: »why is it when girls ever talk about a weekend away they always seem to be in bed by 10pm. "oh it was very reserved, very quiet, we had a lovely relaxing time"
guys should do that. Oh the stags was great, really got to unwind with the lads. We all had a lovely chat and made each other camomile tea into the wee hours.
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Little Ted wrote: »I know a lot of people use the reasoning that 'sure you'd spend the same on a meal and night out in Dublin/Cork/wherever for the price of the holiday/weekend away'. That was probably true in the days of the celtic tiger. But not anymore. It is very easy to have a great night out with a meal, drinks and a nightclub for €100. I defy anyone to say that you could have a weekend away, including transport, accommodation and the aforementioned food, drinks and nightclub for the same money.
And maybe its just me (and it probably is just me, usually is!
) but this whole 'well we're going away, but if you can't aford it its fine' excuse still is a bit off to me.
to put my opinion in context here's an example: a good friend of mine got married a few years ago. Her hen was in Liverpool. Her reasons for this were because a good few of her family live in the UK, so they would have to come to Dublin, so it was fairer for everyone to have to travel and Liverpool was cheap for flights for everyone. Sounds reasonable enough right? well it wasn't long after my own wedding, and for other reasons too money was tight, so eventhough the flights were cheap this hen would have cost me around €300-€400 by the time you factor in travel to/from airport, accommodation, meals and spending money. So I couldn't go. She understood. Grand so.
BUT, and here's the thing, I felt really disappointed and left out! I know it was my choice not to go. I would have loved a girly night out, and if it had been in Dublin I could have gone. I could have stretched to €100 for a night out and enrolled the hubby to play taxi man! But because of the expense and time off work, I couldn't go. And for WEEKS after the hen, the gang were all talking about this that and the other that happened on the hens. There were in-jokes and bonding. There were about 10 of us that couldn't go for various reasons, and speaking to a few of the others they were also really disappointed to have missed out. She did have a second night out, but most of the gang from the first night couldn't go out again. Plus there were still comments about what happened on the first hen, and we kinda felt like the poor cousins. No matter how good the night out was, it was always going to be overshadowed by the Liverpool weekend.
Now I know that I might sound like a sullen school child, and trust me, I did have to tell myself to cop on a good few times. But still and all, I did feel left out and disappointed.
I know that because of the very reason of people missing out, many brides then have another hen at home. But in that case, I have to ask 'why?' if you are having a do at home, why go away? Why have two? why not just have the more inclusive one in the first place? I know not everyone will be able to go, and someone will more than likely miss out, but surely the option that is most inclusive, and most accessible for most people is the best option?
Whatever happened to having just a girls night out, without any great expense or travel required for people? whatever happened to the days of your mam inviting all the female neighbours over to the house, where you sat around, had a few drinks and found out that Mary from down the road is really a bit of a dark horse with kinky inclinations? and finding out that your granny wasn't exactly a wall flower in her day???
and then off to the pub/nightclub for the youngsters? That's what my sisters had when they got married and I remember having a ball. Isn't that what the idea of a hen was originally about anyway? the women getting together to have a giggle and impart wisdom to the bride-to-be? It wasn't always about L-plates, dressing up and drinking drinks through a straw with a willy on it!
oh, maybe I'm just old fashioned!Little Ted wrote: »I should add also, that a good few people didn't go to either hen - the weekend away was too expensive, and they just didn't bother to go to the local one. One girl I spoke to at the wedding said it was because she didn't see the point, because the real hen had already taken place and she couldn't afford to go to that one. So she didn't see the point in going to a second one just for the sake of it.
(me on the other hand, I was dying for the local hen, really looking forward to a girly night out...unfortunately it fell a bit flat)
yes, it probably is best to have one all-inclusive hen, not an away one and a local one if most of the party couldn't make the away one anyway. It's considerate and it includes the most people...
However, I don't agree that because a couple of people cannot afford the hen, that a cheaper option should be planned. It is up to the participants to decide if they can afford to go to a hen, whether it's 50, 100 or 500 Euro. In some circles of friends 100-200 would be fine, for other it may be more or less and they shouldn't be begrudged having a hen costing that much by a minority that cannot afford it. Some may be in such dire straits that they may not even afford 50. Does that mean that the hen should be an afternoon coffee for 2.50?
I think it is unfair to begrudge someone else affording to enjoy a more expensive option because one can't afford it. I'm sorry that you felt upset and left out of the hen because they had in-jokes from the first round and it's naturally not your fault nor is it wrong to feel a bit that way, but is that the fault of the bride? That situation may have been a bit more particular because as you said there were 10 or so of you who couldn't go, so that should've factored in the decision to hold it home or away. The fact that some ladies didn't turn up for the local hen after the away one is also poor form as it showed further exclusion of the group that could not travel. The girls that didn't bother going to the local hen, who'd also not got to the away hen, come across as being spiteful: "I can't go on a weekend away, so I'll show you - I won't bother going to the local one either". It's a shame for you and those that did wanna make an event of the local night out. It could've still been great, but the ones had the bad attitudes and that didn't turn up are the ones to blame; not the fact that there was a night away.
Reminds me of that episode in "Friends" where half the gang didn't have much cash, but the rest didn't notice and inconsiderately tried to split the bill unfairly. That then led to more upset and confrontation because they felt left out when the better-off half got to go to a gig. The lesson: consideration should go both ways...
It is a shame that some of the old traditions of ladies hanging out together at home with the neighbours popping in is dying out. It could definitely be a lot of fun to still have that closeness with neighbours and to find out little facts about the granny and aunts that you'd never have otherwise learned.
It does make sense to me. Sometimes the reason for an occasion can make the difference between a blessing and a grudge. If it's girls going away on a holiday, then the partners could be annoyed at the cost of them having their own holiday, as well as having to look after the kids and what not. Knowing that it's for a hen, makes it seem justifiable to the hubby being left behind to look after the kids, as he'll be doing the same for some night or weekend of the stag.Little Ted wrote: »
that makes no sense - same amount of days away, same cost. But if its a hen their partners will be ok with it, but if its a holiday they'll be put out? that doesn't make sense.A couple of the girls have kids and wouldn't be able to justify a girly holiday to their partners, yet a hen party is ok as they will be babysitting while their partner is at my fiance's stag weekend.0 -
clint_silver wrote: »why is it when girls ever talk about a weekend away they always seem to be in bed by 10pm. "oh it was very reserved, very quiet, we had a lovely relaxing time"
guys should do that. Oh the stags was great, really got to unwind with the lads. We all had a lovely chat and made each other camomile tea into the wee hours.
ha ha... some of our friends actually tried to pull the wool over our eyes with that! their stag got described as afternoon tea and cakes
yes, of course, tea, and cakes...Little Ted wrote: »I just think that at the moment people need to be a bit considerate and sensitive about costs. Not everyone will be willing to admit they are having financial troubles. People have pride, and a lot of people would be embarrassed to say they can't afford something, even if they would love to go.
If you want a week/weekend away with a few select friends who you are confident can afford it, well and good. But that being the case maybe keep it low key and be careful about how you put it to people. But if you want a big gang of people to attend you need to be more accommodating and respectful of peoples personal situations and try not to put people to any additional expense.
By saying, "I don't mind if you don't come because you can't afford it", you are still making people feel uncomfortable like OP. They might feel embarrassed by their financial situation, and having to tell you they can't afford it makes it worse. And then its like salt in the wound knowing they would love to go, but are being left out because of finances.
At least if you pick something local and people want to go they have more options - less expense in travelling, they can stay dry if they don't want to spend a fortune on drink, they can drive home or get collected, they only need babysitters for one night, etc etc etc.
No you can't please everyone, and nor should you try cos you will fail. But by the same token if you want people to participate and be part of the occasion, you need to make it as accessible for as many people as possible. and I would say that goes for any occasion in life, not just hens/stags and weddings. Having your dream wedding/ debs/ stag/ hen/ birthday isn't much good if half the people you want there can't afford to come.
This is pretty much what I was trying to say... Consideration is key. If some get left out of a party for whatever reason, the rest should try not to rub it in.
There's no need to be explaining financial woes, but an excuse as to why one can't go can be given.
If like you said the most people that you'd want at a hen can't make some extravagant affair, then it makes much more sense to have the cheaper all-inclusive option. Having the most people of the ones you love at any of your occasions in life is more important than having that 5* wedding where none of your friends can attend.0 -
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The girls that didn't bother going to the local hen, who'd also not got to the away hen, come across as being spiteful: "I can't go on a weekend away, so I'll show you - I won't bother going to the local one either". It's a shame for you and those that did wanna make an event of the local night out. It could've still been great, but the ones had the bad attitudes and that didn't turn up are the ones to blame; not the fact that there was a night away.
Just to clarify, I don't think anyone had a spiteful or begrudging attitude to the local hen. Most that didn't go was because of family committments. And the few of them that I know who didn't attend, didn;t feel too bad about it because they reckoned the bride had had her main hen and they weren't letting her down by not showing up. In fact the bride kind of had this attitude as well. It was as if the 'real' hen had already taken place, and this night out was just a token jesture, and not as big a deal. And this was the vibe we picked up. In no way was it negative because of spiteful attitudes, and 'well I'll show her' behaviour.
I agree that you can't please everyone. And some people are so on their uppers that as you say even €50 would be a stretch too far. No, you shouldn't ruin everything because of the situation of a small few. But the big thing is how do you honestly know who can and can't afford it? Not every group of friends will share this inforamtion. Sometimes the ones who look to have the most wealth are actually the ones with the biggest committments and least amount of disposable income. For that reason, and so that people don't have to give a too much detail about their financial situation I think a fair amount to spend is the equivalent of a decent night out in a capital city. Whatever you and your close mates usually spend on a night out should be the benchmark.
Still doesn't make sense to me about the hen v's holiday thing. If I had a problem with my OH going away for a lads weekend then I would equally have a problem (possibly more so) for a stag. The purpose of the trips is essentially the same - a gang of lads/lasses away for a party. Its not like a work trip and a holiday. It just seems daft to me. You either don't mind looking after the kids and the expense it costs, or you do.john_cappa wrote:We did end up spending alot on spending money though as we drank like fishes for 3 days all day and all night. Was lucky enough that all of my friends were working and had partners to mind children etc.
I think that's the big fear for people who are trying to balance expenses when deciding if they can/can't go. You might have enough for the flights and accommodation, and think you have enough for spending money, but when you get there it might turn out that you end up going out more than you budgeted for. I know I would be embarrassed to be away with a group and have to decline some activities because I was afraid I'd run out of cash. Its kind of the unknown costs. If you are a taxi ride away from home and you run out of money you can always make your excuses and leave. But if its day 2 of a 3 day holiday and you have only €50 left its a different story.
Just to be clear again, I have no axe to grind on this. Its just my personal preference and what I would do to ensure my mates could participate. Other people would prefer a smaller group of close friends and in this situation you would probably have a more realistic idea of what they can/can't afford and they would probably be more comfortable telling you so if it was too expensive.
Each to their own and more power to you...but just remember, just as I am complaining how I was disappointed about my mates hen, others may do the same about you
(don't get me wrong, I love my mate and its not like she purposely excluded people, it just turned out that way because she didn't realise the implications of going away, so there is no grudge held, but not everyone is as forgiving as me) 0 -
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