Todays Blonde Joke

Bootup · 22-03-2012 01:39PM #1

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf
balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally,
after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply
about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain
her curiosity any longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Bootup · 23-03-2012 12:05PM

A girl was visiting her blonde friend and noticed she had acquired
two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

Whereupon the blonde responded, "What else you gonna name watch dogs?"

Bootup · 24-03-2012 11:53AM

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the
tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by
shooting your finger off?"

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest,
and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants,
I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid
$3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in
the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to
make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I
pulled the trigger."

Bootup · 25-03-2012 01:43PM

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery ."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this....buy a ticket."

Bootup · 26-03-2012 01:04PM

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

Bootup · 27-03-2012 02:48PM

There are a blonde and a brunette watching the news and the current event comes up.

It's about a man who is going to jump off of a building.

The brunette bets the blonde £20.00 that the man will jump, the blonde says, "you're on".

About a minute later the man jumped.

The blonde started to get the money out and the brunette says, "Keep the money because I saw the news earlier and I knew that the man would jump."

The blonde says "No that's okay because I saw the news and I knew the man would jump too but I didn't think he would do it again.

Bootup · 28-03-2012 09:28AM

A cop saw a blonde down on her knees under a streetlight.
"Can I help you?" he asked.
Replied the blonde, "I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it."
Asked the cop "did you drop it right here?"
"No," she responded, "I dropped it about a block away,
but the light's better here."

Bootup · 29-03-2012 10:04AM

A blonde stopped by a pizza shop one night and ordered a medium pizza.
The Italian owner asked "How would you like that cut, in six or four pieces?" After some thought, she answered, "Better cut it in four, I don't think I can eat six pieces!"

Bootup · 30-03-2012 09:45AM

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

========= ========= =======

Q: Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A: It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.

Bootup · 31-03-2012 10:43AM

There was 3 girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. and they found a pyramid. They read a tablet that said "this is the pyramid of 100 steps. if you get to the top of it, you will get what you've wanted all your life. but be warned, every 5 steps a person will pop out and tell a joke, and if you laugh, you can never try again."

So the brunette gets to the 5th step and laughs, so she could never try again.

The red head got to the 20th step and laughed, so she could never try again.

Then the blonde got to the 99th step and laughed. Then the guy who was going to tell the joke said "why did you laugh, i didnt tell the joke yet." The blonde said "i know, i laughed because i just got the first joke!"

dahamsta · 31-03-2012 10:52AM

What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?

Shopping trolley's got a mind of its own.

DonegalMan · 31-03-2012 12:00PM

A blonde is walking down the street with one breast hanging out. A garda stops her and says, "Look woman, you can't go about like that in public, put that breast away or I'll have to arrest you."

The blonde looks down at the offending braest and crys "Oh my God, I've left the baby on the bus again!"

Bootup · 01-04-2012 05:53PM

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," you don't understand.
"I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"

"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom.
"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said -
'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"

folan · 02-04-2012 09:42AM

what do you call 3 blondes standing ear to ear?

a wind tunnel

Pal · 02-04-2012 01:55PM

Guy rings his blonde wife's mobile and says to her
" Be careful driving home darling. Radio reports of a car travelling down the wrong side of the M50".

"There's more than one. " She replies

Bootup · 02-04-2012 02:51PM

A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city.
Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"

"Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."

"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"

"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."

Bootup · 03-04-2012 01:49PM

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color." The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!" Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?" The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying a lawn across the street."

Attie · 03-04-2012 05:03PM

Three woman are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the excutioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the excutioner shouts, "ready! aim!" suddenly the beunette yells, "Earthquake!!!" Every one is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes. The gard brings the readhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready Aim" Suddenly the readhead yells, "Tornado!!!" Everyone is startled and looksaround for cover while she escapes. By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts,"Ready Aim!!!" and the blonde yells, "Fire!!!"
Attie

Bootup · 04-04-2012 09:48AM

A blonde and her girlfriend went to the beach for the day. As they wandered up and down the shoreline in their bikinis the girlfriend began to notice that the blonde seemed to be having some difficulty walking. The girlfriend finally said, "Did you hurt your leg or something? You're walking very strangely." The blonde replied, "I have a big date tonight and I've got curlers in my hair."

Bootup · 05-04-2012 03:03PM

Two blondes are having lunch catching up with each other's news."I heard you've given up smoking, is it true?""Yes, I haven't had a cigarette in almost two months.""But you were such a heavy smoker, you must tell me your secret.I've tried everything to quit."
"Well it's really quite simple. Every time I get the urge tosmoke a cigarette, I suck on a LifeSaver instead"
"Well that's easy for you, but I don't live near the beach"

Bootup · 08-04-2012 04:19PM

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

Bootup · 09-04-2012 06:05PM

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

Bootup · 11-04-2012 10:26AM

A blond applicant was filling out a job application. When she came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" she wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The blond answered it anyway:

"Never got caught."

Bootup · 13-04-2012 09:50AM

I work at an insurance company, and our office is located near a beautiful park. Each day many of the employees head outdoors at their lunch hour to walk in the park.

Anyhow, we have to cross a street to get to the park, and the stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with a blonde co-worker friend of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that, "It signals to blind people when the light is red."

She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

Bootup · 14-04-2012 10:43AM

A blonde participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She answered, "Well, that depends on what's in it for me."

Bootup · 15-04-2012 04:27PM

The blonde screams into the phone, "Hurry, come quick, my house is on fire!"
The fire chief says, "OK, but how do we get to your house?"
The blonde says, "Duh, use the Red Truck."

Bootup · 17-04-2012 06:07PM

Bootup · 20-04-2012 11:54AM

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses." "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

Bootup · 21-04-2012 01:28PM

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Bootup · 22-04-2012 05:03PM

Bambi (a blonde) goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. She checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but the store assistant comes along and closes the deal. On her way home, Bambi puts on her new x-ray glasses and, bingo! She sees everyone in the street naked. She takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked! "Cool!"

As she arrives back home, she is eager to show her new toy to her husband, but can't find him. She goes up to the bedroom and finds her husband and the young woman from next door naked in bed. She takes the glasses off, and the two are still naked. She put them back on, and they are still naked.

Bambi then says: "Darn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"

Bootup · 25-04-2012 05:32PM

A blonde and a brunette are catching up ofter having not seen each other for a while, the brunette says to the blonde, "I'm married to Kenny now."
The blonde replies, "Really, I used to date him. Isn't he the one with the really bad dandruff?"
"Yeah," answered the brunette, "but I fixed that, I gave him head and shoulders."
The blonde looked really confused and after a few moments asked, "How do you give Shoulders?"

Todays Blonde Joke

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