Todays Blonde Joke

Bootup

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf
balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally,
after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply
about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain
her curiosity any longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Bootup

A girl was visiting her blonde friend and noticed she had acquired
two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

Whereupon the blonde responded, "What else you gonna name watch dogs?"

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A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the
tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by
shooting your finger off?"

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest,
and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants,
I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid
$3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in
the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to
make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I
pulled the trigger."

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A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery ."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this....buy a ticket."

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A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

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There are a blonde and a brunette watching the news and the current event comes up.

It's about a man who is going to jump off of a building.

The brunette bets the blonde £20.00 that the man will jump, the blonde says, "you're on".

About a minute later the man jumped.

The blonde started to get the money out and the brunette says, "Keep the money because I saw the news earlier and I knew that the man would jump."

The blonde says "No that's okay because I saw the news and I knew the man would jump too but I didn't think he would do it again.

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A cop saw a blonde down on her knees under a streetlight.
"Can I help you?" he asked.
Replied the blonde, "I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it."
Asked the cop "did you drop it right here?"
"No," she responded, "I dropped it about a block away,
but the light's better here."

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A blonde stopped by a pizza shop one night and ordered a medium pizza.
The Italian owner asked "How would you like that cut, in six or four pieces?" After some thought, she answered, "Better cut it in four, I don't think I can eat six pieces!"

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Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

========= ========= =======

Q: Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A: It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.

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There was 3 girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. and they found a pyramid. They read a tablet that said "this is the pyramid of 100 steps. if you get to the top of it, you will get what you've wanted all your life. but be warned, every 5 steps a person will pop out and tell a joke, and if you laugh, you can never try again."

So the brunette gets to the 5th step and laughs, so she could never try again.

The red head got to the 20th step and laughed, so she could never try again.

Then the blonde got to the 99th step and laughed. Then the guy who was going to tell the joke said "why did you laugh, i didnt tell the joke yet." The blonde said "i know, i laughed because i just got the first joke!"

dahamsta

What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?

Shopping trolley's got a mind of its own.

DonegalMan

A blonde is walking down the street with one breast hanging out. A garda stops her and says, "Look woman, you can't go about like that in public, put that breast away or I'll have to arrest you."

The blonde looks down at the offending braest and crys "Oh my God, I've left the baby on the bus again!"

Bootup

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," you don't understand.
"I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"

"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom.
"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said -
'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"

folan

what do you call 3 blondes standing ear to ear?

a wind tunnel

Pal

Guy rings his blonde wife's mobile and says to her
" Be careful driving home darling. Radio reports of a car travelling down the wrong side of the M50".

"There's more than one. " She replies

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A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city.
Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"

"Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."

"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"

"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."

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A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color." The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!" Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?" The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying a lawn across the street."

Attie

Three woman are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the excutioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the excutioner shouts, "ready! aim!" suddenly the beunette yells, "Earthquake!!!" Every one is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes. The gard brings the readhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready Aim" Suddenly the readhead yells, "Tornado!!!" Everyone is startled and looksaround for cover while she escapes. By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts,"Ready Aim!!!" and the blonde yells, "Fire!!!"
Attie

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A blonde and her girlfriend went to the beach for the day. As they wandered up and down the shoreline in their bikinis the girlfriend began to notice that the blonde seemed to be having some difficulty walking. The girlfriend finally said, "Did you hurt your leg or something? You're walking very strangely." The blonde replied, "I have a big date tonight and I've got curlers in my hair."

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Two blondes are having lunch catching up with each other's news."I heard you've given up smoking, is it true?""Yes, I haven't had a cigarette in almost two months.""But you were such a heavy smoker, you must tell me your secret.I've tried everything to quit."
"Well it's really quite simple. Every time I get the urge tosmoke a cigarette, I suck on a LifeSaver instead"
"Well that's easy for you, but I don't live near the beach"

Bootup

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

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A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

Bootup

A blond applicant was filling out a job application. When she came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" she wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The blond answered it anyway:

"Never got caught."

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I work at an insurance company, and our office is located near a beautiful park. Each day many of the employees head outdoors at their lunch hour to walk in the park.

Anyhow, we have to cross a street to get to the park, and the stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with a blonde co-worker friend of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that, "It signals to blind people when the light is red."

She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

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A blonde participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She answered, "Well, that depends on what's in it for me."

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The blonde screams into the phone, "Hurry, come quick, my house is on fire!"
The fire chief says, "OK, but how do we get to your house?"
The blonde says, "Duh, use the Red Truck."

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A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses." "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

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A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

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Bambi (a blonde) goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. She checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but the store assistant comes along and closes the deal. On her way home, Bambi puts on her new x-ray glasses and, bingo! She sees everyone in the street naked. She takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked! "Cool!"

As she arrives back home, she is eager to show her new toy to her husband, but can't find him. She goes up to the bedroom and finds her husband and the young woman from next door naked in bed. She takes the glasses off, and the two are still naked. She put them back on, and they are still naked.

Bambi then says: "Darn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"

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A blonde and a brunette are catching up ofter having not seen each other for a while, the brunette says to the blonde, "I'm married to Kenny now."
The blonde replies, "Really, I used to date him. Isn't he the one with the really bad dandruff?"
"Yeah," answered the brunette, "but I fixed that, I gave him head and shoulders."
The blonde looked really confused and after a few moments asked, "How do you give Shoulders?"

mayotom

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

Bootup

Two blondes are having lunch catching up with each other's news. "I heard you've given up smoking, is it true?"
"Yes, I haven't had a cigarette in almost two months."
"But you were such a heavy smoker, you must tell me your secret. I've tried everything to quit."
"Well it's really quite simple. Every time I get the urge to smoke a cigarette, I suck on a LifeSaver instead"
"Well that's easy for you, but I don't live near the beach"

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Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blonde’s pants?
A: First...pick them up off the floor...

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Josh was helping Sally, a blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit." Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for. She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit." Josh said, "I can see that, but why?" Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tyres."

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The blonde single mum decided it was time for her son to learn to play hockey, so she went shopping at the local sporting goods store. "How much for these glove's?" she asked the young man working sales.
"Twenty pounds."
"How much for a bat?"
"Ten pounds."
"OK, I'll take the bat," she decided.
"Would you like a ball for that bat?"

"No," she answered. "But, I'll blow you for the glove."

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Bootup

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were having a very interesting conversation and it got around to their daughters.



The brunette said, "I went in my daughter's room the other day and found a pack of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked!"



The redhead said, "I went in my daughter's room and found a half-empty bottle of vodka! I didn't even know she drank!"



Then the blonde burst out and said, "I went in my daughter's room and found a pack of condoms, half-empty. I didn't even know she had a penis!"

Bootup

A blonde walks into a store and says, "I'd like to buy that TV over there."

The owner replies, "Sorry, we don't sell TVs to blondes."

So the blonde leaves but comes back the next day wearing a brown wig. She says, "I'd like to buy that TV over there."

But the owner replies, "Sorry, we don't sell TVs to blondes."

The blonde leaves the store in a fit of rage. Determined to get that TV, she goes to the plastic surgeon to get some work done. When it's all over, she ends up looking like a 60-year-old Asian man.

She goes straight into the store and says, "I'd like to buy that TV over there."

But again the owner replies, "Sorry, we don't sell TVs to blondes."

The blonde becomes very angry and asks the owner how he knew that she was the same person all along.

The owner replies, "Well, only a blonde would point to a microwave and call it a TV."

Bootup

A girl was visiting her blonde friend,who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HellOOOooo," answered the blond.
"They're watch dogs ."

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Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl be cause I was on the bottom." The red head replies, "If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies!"

Bootup

A blonde in Las Vegas goes up to the Coke machine, puts in a dollar, and gets a Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

Finally, the man behind her says, "Hey, lady. Do you think I could use the machine?"

She replies, "Fuc* off! Can't you see I'm winning!

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A young blonde secretary was describing her evening's exploits to a friend."After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that."
"That was smart," her friend said, approvingly. "Then what happened?" "He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said. "You didn't weaken your resolve, did you?" asked the friend. "Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let his mother worry."

Ellis Dee

A ventriloquist is doing his act in a nightclub and most of the cracks are coming from the dummy's mouth. He launches into a whole series of blonde jokes and the audience are in stitches until one big busty blonde stands up and starts heckling:

"Jokes like that just aren't funny any more. They just stereotype all blonde women, all women in fact, by portraying us as intellectually inferior. You really ought to appreciate that ...":)

"C'mon," says the ventriloquist, "it's only humour. People enjoy ..."

"Shut up mister and butt out," yells the blonde. "I'm talking to that little prick in your lap!":D:D

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A very well-built young blonde was lying on her psychiatrist' s couch,telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

Bootup

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?

It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

Bootup

There were these two blondes driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic. The first blonde says, "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree."

The other says, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road."

They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road. All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them.

The one blonde says to the other, "See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"

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A blonde was complaining about a product The shop assistant asked "whats the problem? wouldn't your cat eat them?"The blonde said"do you mean Pussy Treats are meant for cats?

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There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

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The blonde joined Facebook and saw that her password had to be at least 8 characters long, so she chose:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

Denis Horan

An American says to his blonde wife "Honey I am going to see the Superbowl"
She replies "Don't you need a spoon for that"