When is enough enough?

LilyCricket · 08-04-2012 05:02PM #1

A member of my extended family was let go there 2 and a half years ago. Since then we've looked after them. Take them out to lunch, dinners, theatre etc. bought them a new laptop, bike & generally giving them a dig out. They've not made one attempt to get a job since. We kind of gotten tired of this. We still make an effort, however, not as much recently.

They get by, have a partner, no mortgage etc. Would love to see them get back working and be able to afford nice things for themselves again, but they are making no effort. What you think? Are we wrong in getting annoyed with said person now?

What you think AH

08-04-2012 05:04PM

i think youve spent far too long buying them nice things
bring them into the real world - stop buying them stuff

hairyprincess · 08-04-2012 05:05PM

Did this person ask you to take them out to dinner, buy them a laptop etc?

senorwipesalot · 08-04-2012 05:05PM

Its Bertie isnt it.

Ellie2008 · 08-04-2012 05:07PM

LilyCricket wrote: »

A member of my extended family was let go there 2 and a half years ago. Since then we've looked after them. Take them out to lunch, dinners, theatre etc. bought them a new laptop, bike & generally giving them a dig out. They've not made one attempt to get a job since. We kind of gotten tired of this. We still make an effort, however, not as much recently.

They get by, have a partner, no mortgage etc. Would love to see them get back working and be able to afford nice things for themselves again, but they are making no effort. What you think? Are we wrong in getting annoyed with said person now?

What you think AH

Well firstly you have been very generous. Are you sure they haven't been looking for work, I have a friend who only tells you about going for a job when she gets it i.e. I think it's important to her that other people see her as successful. Is he in a sector where he has a chance of getting a job? If you pay for the treats, who pays for the basics- rent, food etc?

Bambii_ · 08-04-2012 05:08PM

You're not wrong in getting annoyed at all. They are their own responsibility, not yours. You were generous and kind for long enough, and it sounds like you've done a lot for your family member, but you can't keep spending you're hard earned cash on someone that isn't even trying to help out. I suggest that you talk to them about getting a job. Hint at it at first, asking subtle questions like "Do you not miss working and having your own money to spend as you please?". That might get them thinking and they might come to the decision of getting a job on their own, but if it doesn't work you should suggest it more abruptly.
You are defiantly in no way in the wrong. You helped out a family member and now want to see them back on their feet, you are showing nothing but care.

08-04-2012 05:08PM

LilyCricket wrote: »

What you think? Are we wrong in getting annoyed with said person now?

Unless you've left something out (like they asked you for a laptop and a bike and said they'd pay you back), yep, you're the one in the wrong. You've been interfering.

You said yourself they get by. So leave them to it.

stupidusername · 08-04-2012 05:10PM

throw them out!

razorblunt · 08-04-2012 05:12PM

The "I'm a Doormat" forum is that way

>

saa · 08-04-2012 05:16PM

I am so confused here if they are getting by why would you buy them nice things. Are they getting by on JSA? then leave them be, let them find a small room to rent and hopefully they will make the effort to find something, I think you should not be angry with them as you facilitated this situation if you provide a cushy situation for someone they don't snap out of it, it actually makes it really difficult to start trying for yourself. This person is just lost and demotivated the only dig out they should get in that situation is help with moving abroad for work because tbh for some people no matter how hard you try its still not enough.

Anyway if this person isn't living with you (right?) what business is it of yours to provide for them, worry about them having nice things, be angry at them etc. you're only going to damage the relationship with this person by being angry and make it hard for them to try and provide for themselves if you do it for them, you can't make someone try, best give them space.

micropig · 08-04-2012 05:16PM

Heard a good one the other day

Guy 4 years on the dole was offered work for 6 months

His answer "Nah, that wouldn't suit me, I'd only want the one day":rolleyes:

My name is URL · 08-04-2012 05:16PM

What do you want people to tell you? Have you by any chance brought the issue up with the person involved?

Snowie · 08-04-2012 05:17PM

i think if i had ammeter of family be heave like that to me Id flip and throw all my toys at them in one go....

micropig · 08-04-2012 05:19PM

Snowie wrote: »

i think if i had ammeter of family be heave like that to me Id flip and throw all my toys at them in one go....

I'd do the same if the were trying to heave me anywhere:D:p

Are you related to ammeters? lol

Dyr · 08-04-2012 05:21PM

I think your unemployed relative should burn your house down with you in it, hows that OP?

ffs when did after hours become ricki lake?

BBDBB · 08-04-2012 05:21PM

I reckon you already know the answer to your question OP, its probably time that they stood on their own feet, the question then remains as to how you do it to cause least resentment and fallout

LilyCricket · 08-04-2012 05:22PM

saa wrote: »

I am so confused here if they are getting by why would you buy them nice things. Are they getting by on JSA? then leave them be, let them find a small room to rent and hopefully they will make the effort to find something, I think you should not be angry with them as you facilitated this situation if you provide a cushy situation for someone they don't snap out of it, it actually makes it really difficult to start trying for yourself. This person is just lost and demotivated the only dig out they should get in that situation is help with moving abroad for work because tbh for some people no matter how hard you try its still not enough.

Anyway if this person isn't living with you (right?) what business is it of yours to provide for them, worry about them having nice things, be angry at them etc. you're only going to damage the relationship with this person by being angry and make it hard for them to try and provide for themselves if you do it for them, you can't make someone try, best give them space.

They are family.

hairyprincess · 08-04-2012 05:32PM

Bambi wrote: »

I think your unemployed relative should burn your house down with you in it, hows that OP?

ffs when did after hours become ricki lake?

It has become very PC of late.

Blast your relative with piss op. Ah now I feel better

LilyCricket · 08-04-2012 05:35PM

Bambi wrote: »

I think your unemployed relative should burn your house down with you in it, hows that OP?

ffs when did after hours become ricki lake?

Blasts self with piss

hondasam · 08-04-2012 05:36PM

Bull**** imo.

LilyCricket · 08-04-2012 05:37PM

hondasam wrote: »

Bull**** imo.

?

micropig · 08-04-2012 05:41PM

LilyCricket wrote: »

Blasts self with piss

Hold your p1ss, It'd be needed to put out the fire:p

hondasam · 08-04-2012 05:41PM

LilyCricket wrote: »

?

You do all this for extended family, you take them to the Theatre, dinner and buy them a laptop and a bike. You are working to provide for an extended family member, what is the relation to you?

LilyCricket · 08-04-2012 05:42PM

hondasam wrote: »

You do all this for extended family, you take them to the Theatre, dinner and buy them a laptop and a bike. You are working to provide for an extended family member, what is the relation to you?

this is over the course of 2 and a half years - she's my aunt

hondasam · 08-04-2012 05:47PM

LilyCricket wrote: »

this is over the course of 2 and a half years - she's my aunt

You aunt is not extended family, she is either your mother or fathers sister.

LilyCricket · 08-04-2012 05:48PM

hondasam wrote: »

You aunt is not extended family, she is either your mother or fathers sister.

Wrong term used so?

And?

hondasam · 08-04-2012 05:54PM

LilyCricket wrote: »

Wrong term used so?

And?

Nothing you are obviously a very wealthy generous person,your aunt is a lucky lady. I hope she appreciates it.

Giselle · 08-04-2012 06:00PM

hondasam wrote: »

You aunt is not extended family, she is either your mother or fathers sister.

An aunt IS extended family, rather than immediate family.

LilyCricket · 08-04-2012 06:02PM

Giselle wrote: »

An aunt IS extended family, rather than immediate family.

I thought so? Hondasam is not to be contradicted though, I think it makes her angry

SunnyDub1 · 08-04-2012 06:07PM

There's a thing called needs and wants
Needs are essential in life food, water , safe place to live etc
Wants are phones,big tvs, laptops etc

By all means make sure they are fed but really don't see the need in buying them laptops dinners out etc.

The are living the high life taking in all the wants at no cost - why would they bother trying to get work when you are giving them all that for nothing.

Yous have to stop and make them realise that they need to try get a job.

im invisible · 08-04-2012 06:07PM

why get angry? if you are/ were happy to treat them to dinner, do it. if you're not happy doing that any more, stop doing it

When is enough enough?

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