Kissed someone else - should I tell him and risk him ending things between us?

LegacyUser · 01-04-2012 07:59PM #1

I've been seeing a guy for the past (just over) two weeks. We'll call him John. That doesn't sound very long, but it feels longer as we work together so we see each other every day, and have been going out most evenings. Thing is, last night on a drunken night out, I kissed someone else - let's call him Peter. Peter wouldn't be a one- on - one friend, but would be in my social circle. It was only a kiss and I'm not interested in anything more with Peter.

Obviously, I feel really bad, I think it was the wrong thing to do, I've never done anything like this before and I don't intend to do so again. But I don't know whether or not I should tell John what happened.

My first reaction was not to. We haven't had any sort of talk to say we're exlcusive or in a relationship, and we haven't slept together or anything. I really like John, he's the loveliest guy I've met in ages, I know he likes me a lot and I think we could have something great. I suppose I don't want to tell him because I don't want to risk losing him, because I don't want to upset him, because I wonder if it's really necessary and because what happened was just a random drunken kiss, and maybe telling him would make it seem more important than it actually was. John is unlikely to find out, (he's not friends with these people) but it's not impossible that he might, I suppose.

But I've just talked to my friend about it and she seemed very shocked, told me what an awful thing it was to do and VERY stongly advised me to tell him. She says it's unfair not to, that it will eat away at me if I don't, that it's a really bad foundation for the start of a relationship to keep this to myself, that not to tell him would be cowardly, that it will actually make our relationship stronger if I phrase it like "I felt really bad and it made me realise I want to be exclusive with you - can we be exclusive?", and that it would be humiliating for him if he somehow found out himself.

What do you think?

R.D. aka MR.D · 01-04-2012 08:17PM

It has only been 2 weeks and you haven't had the talk, I would find it very strange that you WOULD tell him.

It might be a prompt that you should have the talk if you want.

If I was seeing a guy for even a month or two and we hadn't had the talk and he announced that he had kissed a girl I would wonder what he was playing at by telling me.

Don't tell him.

_dublinlad_ · 01-04-2012 08:21PM

Tell him.

My last girlfriend and I had been seeing each other for about a month, it was very casual like yours. No bf or gf talk or talk of excusivity. She drunkenly kissed a guy on a night out that first month, she told me about it a couple of months later. To be honest my first reaction was that of hurt, then I thought that - well we werent really anything at that stage so she didnt really do anything wrong. What I really got from her telling me that was the ability to 100% trust her in the future. She said it was meaningless and something she never does and that she wants to be honest with me. From that day on I knew I had a girl I could trust, and I was right.

Thats how I took the news. Dont know if your guy will take it so well or not. Only one way to find out.

Herrick · 01-04-2012 08:29PM

If it were me, I would want to definitely know. People like to use the whole "but we weren't exclusive" in these sort of situations but the reality of it is there are a lot of people who this can be an issue for.

When I start seeing someone I like, as far as I'm concerned there will be nothing happening with other people from my side and I'd like to think the feeling is mutual. If they kissed someone else I'd wonder if they were that into me because as I said, if I'm into someone its them and them only so I'd be hopeful of the same in return.

At least if you tell him he can decide what he wants to do or you can keep quiet and risk it coming out later and depending how he views it, possibly becoming a major issue for him wondering why you didn't just tell him.

P. Breathnach · 01-04-2012 09:13PM

I have a question: why, if you are interested in developing a relationship with John, did you kiss Peter?

LegacyUser · 01-04-2012 09:52PM

A drunken mistake, for a start. Also I have found that when I'm with someone (and I know it's not like this for everyone) I do sometimes get crushes on other people. I've always been good with the self-control nevertheless and have never before acted on it, but on this occasion I suppose it failed me. I don't want to go out with Peter - we'd be totally wrong for each other - but I do find him attractive. As well as that, before I started seeing John I was single for about 3 months and during that time I went a bit mad and kissed lots of people, so perhaps I've turned into a bit of a girl of loose morals recently

Also, earlier on in the night one of my friends was going on about the fact that John and I weren't yet exclusive, so I could in theory kiss someone else. Maybe my inebriated mind took this as permission of sorts.

I'm never doing this again - it was not a nice thing to do.

P. Breathnach · 02-04-2012 09:54AM

Hi Sephy. I'm struggling with this. There's kissing and there's kissing. I suppose you mean what a few years ago would have been called a snog.

We have people here who believe snogging is of no great significance, that you are a free agent unless you have agreed that you are in a relationship, when exclusivity becomes part of the deal. And, please note, you can substitute "having sex" for "snogging", and still be okay by the guidelines many people think reasonable.

Did you cheat on John? I'd say not quite, because you have not actually agreed that you are in a relationship.

Were you wrong? I'd say yes, but I'd classify it as stupidly wrong rather than maliciously wrong.

Should you tell John? I'd say you shouldn't (I'd probably say different if it was a question of having sex with Peter, because I would read that as sign that you were not ready for an exclusive relationship). Perhaps he should know in a general way that while you have been single for the past while you put yourself about a bit, but did not sleep with anybody. If your relationship becomes established, he's probably going to meet your friends, and it's better that he learns this from you than from them.

I'm tempted to give you a lecture about getting drunk and shedding your inhibitions, but I suspect that you don't need that lecture now!

ihsb · 02-04-2012 10:48AM

Use this as a wake up call. You like this guy so have the talk with him! That way there will be no crossed wires, for all you know, he could have kissed another girl! All you can do is define you as a couple because at the moment you are dating. This means you can do what you want but you really like this guy so don't ruin it. Define the relationship and if you were to kiss someone AFTER that then you would have to tell him!

Miss Fluff · 02-04-2012 02:07PM

I'd say nothing if I were you. There's nothing to tell. If anything this has made you realise that you really like John, you haven't slept with him yet and you're not yet exclusive so why say anything?

Dolbert · 02-04-2012 02:26PM

If Peter is in your social circle, then chances are John will find out anyway and it would be better coming from you IMO.

I am a friend · 02-04-2012 03:10PM

sephy wrote: »

A drunken mistake, for a start.

Drink is no excuse....

sephy wrote: »

Also I have found that when I'm with someone (and I know it's not like this for everyone) I do sometimes get crushes on other people.

Most people do get crushes on others from time to time but dont act on them in mature relationships.

sephy wrote: »

I've always been good with the self-control nevertheless and have never before acted on it, but on this occasion I suppose it failed me.

Indeed...

sephy wrote: »

As well as that, before I started seeing John I was single for about 3 months and during that time I went a bit mad and kissed lots of people, so perhaps I've turned into a bit of a girl of loose morals recently

:rolleyes:

sephy wrote: »

Also, earlier on in the night one of my friends was going on about the fact that John and I weren't yet exclusive, so I could in theory kiss someone else. Maybe my inebriated mind took this as permission of sorts.

The above are really the most piddly excuses for 'cheating' i have heard in a long time. If your friend told you that your hand wouldnt burn if you put it in the fire would you do it anyway??? What age are you btw?? i would guess late teens?

sephy wrote: »

I'm never doing this again - it was not a nice thing to do.

No sh!t Sherlock.

Bottom line is you need to tell the guy that drink plus friends comments make you lose control and snog other people. Then let him decide if he wants to take the risk for the future... have a suspicion though that you wont tell him....

Katgurl · 02-04-2012 04:14PM

OP I wouldn't tell, there is very little to tell. But I would tell him you like him and see if he wants to make a go of things. If he asks (ever) tell him the truth. So far you haven't cheated but it's not exactly glowing behaviour and could hurt him.

LegacyUser · 05-04-2012 08:34PM

Definitely tell him. The idea of dating before getting into a relationship is to see if you like the person and to get to know them.

If you don't tell him, he's not getting to know the real you and so his judgement will be clouded as he doesn't know the truth. Also this will be a much bigger thing if he finds out later when you are in a relationship.

If you don't tell him now and get into a relationship, you will always wonder, would you two be going out if he knew the truth and it'll put a bit of a thorn into your side of the relationship.

Be honest from the start and whatever happens learn your lesson and make sure it doesn't happen again.

Also not telling is a form of manipulation, you want to go out with him, but your afraid of losing him so you be dishonest? Let the lad make his own mind up about what he wants, you have no right to try to control his thinking by holding this from him.

I've been in a couple of situations similiar to this and when i was told i was grateful for the respect shown to me by allowing me to decide what i wanted.

When I wasn't told, we ended up in a serious relationship and i eventually found out. To be honest it hurt more that i was manipulated and tricked for so long than the actual act itself.

Lorna123 · 06-04-2012 12:17PM

I think that the man would be embarrassed if you came out and told him you kissed a guy. You have only been dating for 2 weeks for God's sake. Get a grip, you owe this new guy nothing, no explanation, nothing. You will look stupid if you come out and tell him you kissed a guy, like you are looking for his reaction. He would probably turn around and say "so what" and then where does this leave you. Even if he finds out at a later stage, which I am sure he won't, what difference would it make. I can't see anyway how he would find out. Can't see someone going up to him and saying "guess what so and so kissed your friend three months ago when you weren't looking". Oh God, this is getting even more ridiculous by the minute. I would not make a habit of kissing men though when you are drunk, not a nice habit.

boidey · 06-04-2012 04:07PM

Just a question and an observation. How would you feel if the situation was reversed? I.E. Would you want want to know? Don't blame the booze, its cowardly and shows a lack of personal responsibility. But if you really believe that alcohol has a part then address your consumption.

blatantrereg · 07-04-2012 05:06PM

If I was the guy, I wouldn't want to know.
If you're not an item, you're not an item. Dont worry too much about it.

Wompa1 · 09-04-2012 03:28AM

I wouldn't want to know if I was him. If it was the first 2 weeks. Unless there's a possibility he will find out later down the line, especially if it's somebody he knows.

From your reason why, I would question yourself if you are ready for a relationship at this point? Maybe you should be working on figuring yourself out. It would be a shame for you to get into a relationship with this guy and then end up playing away

09-04-2012 03:40PM

I'm sorry, OP, but if it were me, I would want to know, because if it's happened once, it could likely happen again. Also don't use drink as an excuse.

Kissed someone else - should I tell him and risk him ending things between us?

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