The mature decision in a sexless marriage

Scanlas The 2nd · 22-03-2012 03:12PM #1

A lot of people seem to think the mature decision when you have kids is to break up and leave if you aren't happy with your sex life. I think that's fairly immature as its not very fair on the kids. Parents can love each other but be sexually frustrated also as they want to pursue other people for sexual relationships. The mature decision imo would be to let each other have sex with other people and not breaking up. Being possessive of another person sexually so much that you have to either break up or stay in a marriage with no passion is not particularly mature IMO.

super_furry · 22-03-2012 03:14PM

TLDR: Use it or lose it.

ThinkAboutIt · 22-03-2012 03:15PM

I LIKE SEX. AND BOOBS. BIG BOOBS.

22-03-2012 03:16PM

Forcing the kids to endure hostile/unhappy parents is detrimental to them. Any kids who have gone through that and a subsequent separation will say as much themselves.

Big Johnson · 22-03-2012 03:16PM

Deal with your own f*cking problems

Fremen · 22-03-2012 03:17PM

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

The mature decision imo would be to let each other have sex with other people and not breaking up.

Wouldn't that be just as hard on the kids? They'd undoubtedly find out about it. I don't think an amicable break-up is necessarily that tough for a child if it's done in the right way.

MrStuffins · 22-03-2012 03:17PM

Thanks for that Dr.Phil!

Babybuff · 22-03-2012 03:19PM

there is a solution to this already and it starts with not getting married in the first place.

Peetrik · 22-03-2012 03:21PM

I have doubts that an open marrige would ever really work without one of the parties getting jealous.

I'm going to jump to a massive conclusion and have decided completely without any evidence that your in a sexless marrige and are looking for justification for an affair.
Either end your current relationship first or get better porn.

MagicSean · 22-03-2012 03:21PM

Fremen wrote: »

Wouldn't that be just as hard on the kids? They'd undoubtedly find out about it. I don't think an amicable break-up is necessarily that tough for a child if it's done in the right way.

An amicable break up is a rare thing, especially when there is an issue of child custody.

I Heart Internet · 22-03-2012 03:22PM

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

A lot of people seem to think the mature decision when you have kids is to break up and leave if you aren't happy with your sex life.

A lot of people don't think that. That you should end your marriage if you're not happy with your sex life?!

A loveless marriage is a very serious problem. A sexless one could be a temporary hitch.

MagicSean · 22-03-2012 03:24PM

I Heart Internet wrote: »

A lot of people don't think that. That you should end your marriage if you're not happy with your sex life?!

A loveless marriage is a very serious problem. A sexless one could be a temporary hitch.

Doesn't stop people straying, which tends to kill the marraige.

krudler · 22-03-2012 03:24PM

Babybuff wrote: »

there is a solution to this already and it starts with not getting married in the first place.

This, marriage seems to kill a relationship, i know someone married less than two years and are sorry they did

stupidusername · 22-03-2012 03:27PM

In any relationship, as long as people are honest about what they want, you're likely to be better off. I don't think staying together for the sake of the children is ever a good idea.

bluewolf wrote: »

Forcing the kids to endure hostile/unhappy parents is detrimental to them. Any kids who have gone through that and a subsequent separation will say as much themselves.

That is true, but why assume the parents would be hostile?

22-03-2012 03:29PM

stupidusername wrote: »

That is true, but why assume the parents would be hostile?

I meant in general if the parents are unhappy in the marriage they could be hostile toward each other
i suppose i meant tension & unhappiness but that could happen too

CardBordWindow · 22-03-2012 03:29PM

I thought the secret to a successful one night stand was 'No forwarding addresses'.

You messed it up, so deal with it!

Sykk · 22-03-2012 03:31PM

stupidusername wrote: »

That is true, but why assume the parents would be hostile?

Because if you're no longer in love with the person anymore, how would you feel sharing a house/dinner/everything with them?

If they didn't share such things then they avoid eachother, if they do share things it's fake and unfriendly and not a nice atmosphere to be in. Lose/Lose both ways.

Speaking from experience from when I was a young lad btw.

bnt · 22-03-2012 03:32PM

I like how there are questions about whether to get married or not, but apparently no questions about whether it's wise to have kids or not. Isn't that why marriages become sexless in the first place - the stress of looking after kids?

Biggins · 22-03-2012 03:33PM

krudler wrote: »

This, marriage seems to kill a relationship, i know someone married less than two years and are sorry they did

Relationships require work, honesty, trust, definitely compatibility and many other human and social fundamentals.
A 'marriage' as such, does not necessarily kill a relationship. Its just one method used to enhance a relationship, to another level if wished.
Others chose other ways - all relationship conditions are prone to the same reasons for break-up.

stupidusername · 22-03-2012 03:33PM

Sykk wrote: »

Because if you're no longer in love with the person anymore, how would you feel sharing a house/dinner/everything with them?

If they didn't share such things then they avoid eachother, if they do share things it's fake and unfriendly and not a nice atmosphere to be in. Lose/Lose both ways.

Speaking from experience from when I was a young lad btw.

well it's possible and likely, but not always. and i'm speaking from having been in a relationship when I wasn't in love any more.

Son Of A Vidic · 22-03-2012 03:34PM

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

The mature decision imo would be to let each other have sex with other people and not breaking up.

Indeed and just see how long that will last far. The mature decision would be for them to grow up and work on their problem. Sex drives vary throughout life and are not always compatible. But such is life, having the cop on to understand this reality is a significant first step.

MungBean · 22-03-2012 03:34PM

Dont have kids and you wont have to worry about organising everything else around them. If you decide to have a kid then they are your responsibility so forget about what makes you happy, cop on and raise your child.

If your not capable of that then dont have kids. They are not an accessory to handed back and forth between two parents who are no longer interested in playing happy families.

seamus · 22-03-2012 03:34PM

krudler wrote: »

This, marriage seems to kill a relationship, i know someone married less than two years and are sorry they did

To be more accurate, getting married tends to expose a ****ty relationship.

If you have a good relationship, marriage doesn't change anything.

In relation to the OP, living in a sexless marriage is going to cause tension between both parties which is ultimately going to cause hassle for the children.

An open relationship is always an option, but it's a tough one when there are dependencies because it creates a situation where any potential sexbuddy could become more than that and then becomes a competitor for resources.

In any case, you would be an idiot to accept an offer of an open relationship when there are children involved. Once your partner sees that you're having fun whoring all around you, they can go to court, claim that you're lying about the "open relationship" arrangement and talk about how your continued infidelity has caused them no end of emotional anguish and caused your children to suffer.

Next thing you know, you're out on your ass paying massive amounts of maintenance and with limited if any access to see your children.

At a basic level we live to procreate. Sex fulfills very primal emotional and physical needs in all people and going without is detrimental to one's health. A sexless relationship can never go anywehre good.

stovelid · 22-03-2012 03:35PM

You might have more time for riding if you stopped posting Dr Phil shite on AH for a while.

candy-gal1 · 22-03-2012 03:37PM

if you still love your partner as you always had done, but your sex life has diminished or is diminishing, the best thing to do is to be upfront about it, figure out why if you can, try a few new things etc if needs be and after all that if its still not working for either person then imho the open marraige/relationship is your best bet tbh.
as long as its said before any cheating or resentment of the other person occurs, its equal for both parties, and your honest about everything.

not much can wrong in that kind of situation tbh, its the lies and/or cheating that cause the most problems/hassle imho

this whole "oh well if they dont see it it cant hurt them" thing is bull**** imho, and ive always thought that, the truth always comes out in the end so if youve been lying/cheating/keeping secrets etc from your partner its going to be a hell of a lot worse and hurt them a hell of a lot more when its all found out.

Biggins · 22-03-2012 03:38PM

bnt wrote: »

...Isn't that why marriages become sexless in the first place - the stress of looking after kids?

In some cases yes maybe - in other cases, there is purely the tiredness factor which at times, effects ones desires.
(Father of four here)
Thats where the 'work' as such within a marriage becomes equally important to share in a relationship also.

You have to work at staying together, be it in marriage or outside one (with kids or not).

stovelid · 22-03-2012 03:41PM

MungBean wrote: »

Dont have kids and you wont have to worry about organising everything else around them. If you decide to have a kid then they are your responsibility so forget about what makes you happy, cop on and raise your child.

If your not capable of that then dont have kids. They are not an accessory to handed back and forth between two parents who are no longer interested in playing happy families.

Kids are the priority but you're on a road to nowhere if you don't make sure you have your own happiness and life as parents. Your own happiness or lack of it has a direct effect on your kids so saying that you should suck down (and not work on) problems is wrong.

cynder · 22-03-2012 03:47PM

It really depends on the reason why the couple aren't having sex, it is because one was injured and in hospital? or perhaps one is dying of cancer and sex is the last thing on their mind, it it because they dont love each other? is it a temporary thing? the list goes on.

To say if the couple aren't having sex with eachother they should have it with other people and still stay married is a heap of bull s88t. You have to address the reason for a sexless marriage, if one person is sick or unable to perform does not give the other one right to go get thier kicks elsewhere, my marriage vows were 'I SHALL FORSAKE ALL OTHERS' I SHALL RESPECT, HONOR AND ADORE (my husband) IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, TILL DEATH DO US PART. My husbands vow were the same.

If they do not love each other then the best option is too split up but it really depends on the couple you cant paint every couple with the same brush.

As biggins said, a marriage takes work, a little give n take.

Scanlas The 2nd · 22-03-2012 03:50PM

Corvus Maximus wrote: »

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

The mature decision imo would be to let each other have sex with other people and not breaking up.

Indeed and just see how long that will last far. The mature decision would be for them to grow up and work on their problem. Sex drives vary throughout life and are not always compatible. But such is life, having the cop on to understand this reality is a significant first step.

Is it not a bit ridiculous that a loving couple could have nI interest in sex with each other anymore yet insist the other cant have sex with people they do want to have sex with.

cynder · 22-03-2012 03:51PM

bnt wrote: »

I like how there are questions about whether to get married or not, but apparently no questions about whether it's wise to have kids or not. Isn't that why marriages become sexless in the first place - the stress of looking after kids?

I have a 12 year old 5 year old and 6 year old, and to be honest things in that area have never been better

It was harder when they were babies as they would wake during the night, but now they are all at school lunchtimes have never been so much fun :eek:

al28283 · 22-03-2012 03:54PM

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

A lot of people seem to think the mature decision when you have kids is to break up and leave if you aren't happy with your sex life. I think that's fairly immature as its not very fair on the kids. Parents can love each other but be sexually frustrated also as they want to pursue other people for sexual relationships. The mature decision imo would be to let each other have sex with other people and not breaking up. Being possessive of another person sexually so much that you have to either break up or stay in a marriage with no passion is not particularly mature IMO.

Ok

The mature decision in a sexless marriage

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