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Why is it so hard to meet a nice guy?

  • 01-03-2012 01:14AM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭


    I'd like to know why it's so hard to meet a nice guy!

    I am a woman and I have been told that I am attractive, approachable and intelligent. People have always told me that I'm easy to talk to. It seems that they are desirable traits.

    Sometimes I'd talk to guys on a night out and I'd just be talking to them for about a minute or two and all of a sudden they'd say- "you're hot".

    Now, what I can't understand is- why doesn't this go any further than that?!

    I'm not desparate to meet a guy. I'm not on the "look-out" for one either. When I go out, I go out to chat to my friends not go on a man hunt.

    If a guy approaches me I talk to them- purely out of manners. They made the effort to talk to me... Sometimes, if the situation arises I initiate conversation too...


«1

Comments

  • #2
    Fenian Army
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,483 ✭✭✭Fenian Army


    The nice guy is probably sitting in the corner/standing at the bar or whatever wondering where juliet is.

    A lot of "nice guys" simply don't have the confidence to go boldly marching up to a group of girls on a night out.

    My advise would be to not bother trying to meet guys in clubs or pubs. All you have to go on is looks. You can't really chat. You can't get to know what someone is like.

    What I recommend is widening your social circle, join clubs etc, do stuff where you meet new people in a drink free environment, get to know them, things may develop from there.

    What age are you? In college or anything?


  • #3
    Midnight Sundance
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 798 ✭✭✭Midnight Sundance


    I don't mean to take over the op's thread, I know where she is coming from and wonder the same questions myself.
    It has been mentioned before about clubs etc but what type of clubs do Ye mean? Sport ? Again what type? My job is very female dominated and little or no chance to meet guys/ get to know them there.
    Many courses I've done in the evening tend to be packed with females also.
    Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!!


  • #4
    skooterblue2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,816 ✭✭✭skooterblue2


    Depends on what kind of guy you want. The Car maintance class is usually full of women and the night cookery course is full of guys. I was lucky enough to have a mother who taught me how to cook. Go the opposite way you want to go.

    I have been told Amateur dramatics is good way to meet people. Rugby supporters clubs tend to need a lot of organizing. Computer programming and welding sure to meet guys. Beautician and Nail technician less so and not the kind of guys you want to meet.


  • #5
    cynder
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭cynder


    A lot of genuine guys who are looking for a girlfriend and are probably to shy to ask or think because you are good looking that they would not be good enough, then you have the brazen guy who is after a quickie and that's all they want is another notch on the bedpost.

    How to find a boyfriend? the age old question, what will be, will be....

    Best places to look would usually be work, college or a friend of a friend (do you like blind dates?) . Other than that?? I met my husband at work 14 years ago, i was 17 so i havent ever needed to look for a boyfriend, he found me :D


    If you find someone you like ( on a night out) perhaps you should make the first move and ask him. Be the chaser instead of the chased? Not that i think pubs/nightclubs are the ideal setting to find someone but better to ask than be left sitting in the corner or asked by Mr i want a quickie ...

    Do volunteer work for charities, you get to meet plenty of people out and about doing that. But you need to be talkative...

    as the poster above said, some activities are male based others are female based, best opt for male based activities.


  • #6
    skooterblue2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,816 ✭✭✭skooterblue2


    I am going to suggest online dating. 98% of all guys on this site are pick up artists. You shorten those odds by going to a paying site. People who pay have a serious intentions of meeting someone because they are willing to put their money where their mouth is.

    I am not going to direct you to or away from sites but you do have an instantly browseable Data base there. Its much easier to for a girl to get a date on a website but harder to find a genuine person.


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  • #7
    skooterblue2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,816 ✭✭✭skooterblue2


    grindelwald wrote: »
    Do volunteer work for charities, you get to meet plenty of people out and about doing that. But you need to be talkative...

    as the poster above said, some activities are male based others are female based, best opt for male based activities.

    Actually someone who does charity work in my opinion is a great filter. Anyone who can step down and help someone in need and see them as equals rules out selflessness. All Charity organisation are swamped with people with free time.


  • #8
    johnr1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 965 ✭✭✭johnr1


    skooterblue2 wrote: »
    I am going to suggest online dating. 98% of all guys on this site are pick up artists. You shorten those odds by going to a paying site. People who pay have a serious intentions of meeting someone because they are willing to put their money where their mouth is.

    I am not going to direct you to or away from sites but you do have an instantly browseable Data base there. Its much easier to for a girl to get a date on a website but harder to find a genuine person.

    Yeah and 64% of statistics are made up on the spot. Go spout your made-up misandrist bile someplace it's/you're wanted.


  • #9
    skooterblue2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,816 ✭✭✭skooterblue2


    johnr1 wrote: »
    Yeah and 64% of statistics are made up on the spot. Go spout your made-up misandrist bile someplace it's/you're wanted.

    Held to account, yes I made up that statistic. as for being as misandrist (which I did look up so I am human) I dont hate men or guys because I am one. :eek:
    But thank you for defending the male species. I am not saying there arent good guys on these site... I am saying they are a lot harder to find. I have used dating site myself with mixed results


  • #10
    johnr1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 965 ✭✭✭johnr1


    skooterblue2 wrote: »
    Held to account, yes I made up that statistic. as for being as misandrist (which I did look up so I am human) I dont hate men or guys because I am one. :eek:
    But thank you for defending the male species. I am not saying there arent good guys on these site... I am saying they are a lot harder to find. I have used dating site myself with mixed results

    Tbh, you being a man just makes it worse.
    I read what you posted the first time thanks. It was crystal clear. No explanation needed.
    FYI, being male or female has no bearing on the meaning of being a misandrist or making a misandrist-ic statement, which you just did.

    I'm not a mod here, or trying to be one, but I have 0% tolerance for that type of shyte, and will always call out someone who makes this type of statement. It's bad enough from a woman, but when a man makes a statement like that trying to curry favour with women, it's just pathetic.

    Anyway, we're off topic, and that's not kosher here either, so I'm gonna just leave it there.

    .


  • #11
    Fenian Army
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,483 ✭✭✭Fenian Army


    I would recommend charity work.

    Book clubs, historical societies, the list really is endless. What do you have an interest in? Struggle to answer that question like many do? What do you think you may become interested in? Theres a club or society for it.


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  • #12
    skooterblue2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,816 ✭✭✭skooterblue2


    you are definitely going to have more men in a historical club but they thed to be of more the middle age variety? how about youth work? plenty of young people need guidance in youth clubs


  • #13
    EGAR
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭EGAR


    What's for you wont pass you by, OP. I met my OH at the gate of my house and I live in the middle of nowhere ;).


  • #14
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    hey,

    OP here again.

    Thanks for all the messages.

    I'm only working part-time at the moment and the career I am in is mostly with other females.

    I have joined a few clubs and stuff alright. The volunteering might be a good idea. Not really sure what area I could volunteer in because I live in a small enough town. Also, as people have said the area that I would be interested in giving up my time would also be female oriented.

    I've come to the conclusion that I won't meet the man of my dreams in the pub.

    I have had a go at internet dating!! I did end up meeting one guy through it. He was lovely. I couldn't have imagined someone more suitable for me. He wanted to meet up for another date. Unfortunetly, my heart wasn't in it. I just wasn't attracted to him.

    My head says he was right but my heart didn't agree. I decided to not meet up with him again and have sorted regretted it since but felt I made the right decision at the time..


  • #15
    The Jammy dodger
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 658 ✭✭✭The Jammy dodger


    wheres_romeo wrote: »
    hey,

    OP here again.

    Thanks for all the messages.

    I'm only working part-time at the moment and the career I am in is mostly with other females.

    I have joined a few clubs and stuff alright. The volunteering might be a good idea. Not really sure what area I could volunteer in because I live in a small enough town. Also, as people have said the area that I would be interested in giving up my time would also be female oriented.

    I've come to the conclusion that I won't meet the man of my dreams in the pub.

    I have had a go at internet dating!! I did end up meeting one guy through it. He was lovely. I couldn't have imagined someone more suitable for me. He wanted to meet up for another date. Unfortunetly, my heart wasn't in it. I just wasn't attracted to him.

    My head says he was right but my heart didn't agree. I decided to not meet up with him again and have sorted regretted it since but felt I made the right decision at the time..

    Note my qoutes from you about the male in question that I have bolded.

    Sounds like you havnt a clue what you want.


  • #16
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I do know what I want...

    Personality wise he was perfect, but I wasn't even remotely attracted to his features.. :( I know that sounds vain.. I'm not looking to date a God like guy... but someone that I'm attracted to and also get along with..

    I also felt he was almost too nice. This is something that bugs me that it turned out to be a turn-off... because I always felt that there was no such thing as being too nice.. A "nice guy" was exactly what I wanted.. Somehow, I felt that by him being too nice was his way of looking for something. I got the feeling that he was too eager to please/ desparate/ dare I say it but almost a tad annoying! :(:(

    I felt that I was going with my gut instinct...


  • #17
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    johnr1 & skooterblue2 - please can you review our charter before posting again.

    skooterblue2 - we have zero tolerance for muppetry and your claim that 98% of guys on this forum are practitioners of PUA is sailing very close to a red card. Any and all discusssion of PUA is a bannable offence here. Insulting other members is a bannable offence (although I think you meant these instead of this). Mass generalisations is also a bannable offence.

    johnr1 - please be aware that we request posters not to back seat mod. If you have an issue with a post you may express your opinion attacking the post once it is done in a civil way, but attacking another poster can result in a ban. You may also at any time simply report the post in question and allow time for a mod review.

    Please take the time both of you refamiliarise yourselves with our charter (it does get updated) and also please review some other threads so that you can see what is and is not acceptable here.

    Taltos


  • #18
    skooterblue2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,816 ✭✭✭skooterblue2


    wheres_romeo wrote: »
    I've come to the conclusion that I won't meet the man of my dreams in the pub.

    Unfortunetly, my heart wasn't in it. I just wasn't attracted to him.

    My head says he was right but my heart didn't agree. I decided to not meet up with him again and have sorted regretted it since but felt I made the right decision at the time..

    This is what happens in rural or small communities. You have a limited options and limited outcomes. Hence I left. You will either have to do the best you can in your area and move. The latter is always the more extreme option.

    Loads of things look good on paper. The Liberty and Speedball pyramid schemes looked like easy money. I think you trusting your gut feeling is always best.


  • #19
    skooterblue2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,816 ✭✭✭skooterblue2


    skooterblue2 wrote: »
    I am going to suggest online dating. 98% of all guys on this site are pick up artists.

    I have just been made aware of a genuine Typo error ...I meant 98% of all guys on these sites are pickup artists. I am very sorry if I caused any offence. I accept that the vast majority of people on this site have genuine intentions.

    I do stand over that most guys on free dating sites have questionable intent.


  • #20
    Zombrex
    Closed Accounts Posts: 25,848 ✭✭✭✭Zombrex


    wheres_romeo? wrote: »
    I'd like to know why it's so hard to meet a nice guy!

    I am a woman and I have been told that I am attractive, approachable and intelligent. People have always told me that I'm easy to talk to. It seems that they are desirable traits.

    Sometimes I'd talk to guys on a night out and I'd just be talking to them for about a minute or two and all of a sudden they'd say- "you're hot".

    Now, what I can't understand is- why doesn't this go any further than that?!

    I'm not desparate to meet a guy. I'm not on the "look-out" for one either. When I go out, I go out to chat to my friends not go on a man hunt.

    If a guy approaches me I talk to them- purely out of manners. They made the effort to talk to me... Sometimes, if the situation arises I initiate conversation too...

    How many of these guys do you actually ask out?

    If you are asking guys out all the time and you still can't find a fella then I feel for you.

    But (and apologies if this doesn't describe you) if you are merely chatting to these guys waiting to be asked out but not doing the asking then you need to suck it up and go after what you want. It can be difficult (very difficult in some cases) for guys to pick up on whether a girl is just being friendly or whether she actually wants to be asked out, and in this day and age the issues for the guy getting that reading wrong can be dire. Guys play it safe, they don't want to have girl and all her friends react as if you just asked could you rape her, which unfortunately happens.


  • #21
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    So while your initial question was "Why is it so hard to meet a nice guy?", it transpires your question is, in reality, "Why is it so hard to meet a guy who's nice, but not too nice, with the perfect personality but also visually and chemically appealing to me"?

    To answer your question: It's so hard because statistically speaking you are unlikely to ever encounter such a person in your lifetime. I'm not saying you won't find "true love" (tm) or anything. You probably will. I'm instead saying that what you are currently seeking is an absolute ideal, a balance of humility, aesthetics, charm and personality that likely doesn't (and arguable could never) exist.

    Instead of evaluating people you encounter by unfavourable comparison to your ideal, fictional partner, just relax, enjoy peoples company without necessarily taking a long term view of it, even without taking a sexual view of it, and see where life takes you. Before you know it you'll be into someone in a way you wouldn't have thought possible and for reasons you'll never quite get your head around. You'll love their stupid lazy head even while you're twatting it with a book and telling them you wish you'd never met :)


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  • #22
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    To be honest, I also believe that the some of the guys on the internet dating sites have questionable intentions. Maybe that suits some girls, but it certainly doesn't suit me! Thankfully, not all guys are like this either on dating sites or wherever.

    Anyway, to answer another posters questions- I think I asked maybe two guys out in the past- not only to be refused but to be taken the complete and utter piss of. I know we were all young when it happened... but I think everyone was old enough to act in a respectful manner.

    I know something like that shouldn't matter now, but I believe things like that still happen. Some girls laugh at guys when they come up talking to them/ asking them out. Which I don't do.. The same can be said about guys laughing at girls!

    So, ya..morale of story- the pub isn't the place to meet people. I've looked up places on the internet and most of them are helping the elderly or giving tuition to different groups. Neither of which would be places where I could meet someone!

    I know this sounds desparate but so many young people have left the country too!


  • #23
    Zombrex
    Closed Accounts Posts: 25,848 ✭✭✭✭Zombrex


    wheres_romeo wrote: »
    To be honest, I also believe that the some of the guys on the internet dating sites have questionable intentions. Maybe that suits some girls, but it certainly doesn't suit me! Thankfully, not all guys are like this either on dating sites or wherever.

    Anyway, to answer another posters questions- I think I asked maybe two guys out in the past- not only to be refused but to be taken the complete and utter piss of. I know we were all young when it happened... but I think everyone was old enough to act in a respectful manner.

    I know something like that shouldn't matter now, but I believe things like that still happen. Some girls laugh at guys when they come up talking to them/ asking them out. Which I don't do.. The same can be said about guys laughing at girls!

    Yeah but if a guy approaches you and starts chatting to you he probably is interested. All the embarrassment is risked by him. Guys don't tend to play the games some girls do of wanting attention but not really being interested. If he is bothering to go up to you and start chatting he is most likely interested.

    The least you can do is ask him out after you have been chatting a while (if you are interested of course). It takes the pressure off him, he knows you are interested too. Or heck you don't even need to ask him out, just give a strong signal that if he asks you out you won't say no.


  • #24
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Proofshayman: I see what you are saying. I know that my "ideal" guy probably doesn't exist. I genuinly realise that. I don't expect to meet them. Nobody is that perfect.

    I just felt that the guy that I met ticked all the boxes with regards to personality but I just wasn't physically attracted to him. To be honest, I was really surprised to find someone so close to my long list of favourable/unrealistic attributes. I also felt annoyed at myself that I actually found him annoying for being so nice!!


  • #25
    jeep37
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10 ✭jeep37


    wheres_romeo wrote: »
    I just felt that the guy that I met ticked all the boxes with regards to personality but I just wasn't physically attracted to him. To be honest, I was really surprised to find someone so close to my long list of favourable/unrealistic attributes. I also felt annoyed at myself that I actually found him annoying for being so nice!!

    Your initial question was essentially BS. It's very easy for an Irish female to meet a nice guy, but very hard for them to meet a nice guy who is - in their eyes - sufficiently attractive in the physical sense. This is because of media exposure creating unrealistic expectations of men's beauty in women, along with cosmetic enhancers enabling women to have unrealistic estimates of their own beauty. So the minority of guys who do fit women's unrealistic expectations of physical attractiveness are likely to be spoiled with attention and interest, and in this day and age are likely not going to want to settle down with one person as they can simply 'play the field' with ease.


  • #26
    who_ru
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,019 ✭✭✭who_ru


    jeep37 wrote: »
    Your initial question was essentially BS. It's very easy for an Irish female to meet a nice guy, but very hard for them to meet a nice guy who is - in their eyes - sufficiently attractive in the physical sense. This is because of media exposure creating unrealistic expectations of men's beauty in women, along with cosmetic enhancers enabling women to have unrealistic estimates of their own beauty. So the minority of guys who do fit women's unrealistic expectations of physical attractiveness are likely to be spoiled with attention and interest, and in this day and age are likely not going to want to settle down with one person as they can simply 'play the field' with ease.
    very sensible post - it's all ego out there. sex and the city mentality is everywhere.


  • #27
    C.D.
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 670 ✭✭✭C.D.


    Hi OP,

    Unfortunately I've no solution to your dilemma, but I just thought I'd let you know what it's been like for me on the other side of the fence!

    I'm in my mid twenties and it's pretty damn hard to find a nice girl. I think they all emigrated en masse. I don't know if it's a case of my friends are very nice, but I'm told I'm good looking, dress well and I've a good career, keep in shape and some smarts too. At the end of the day I think those things help but it comes down to plain ole luck. Best thing you can do is meet as many people (socially) as possible to increase the chance of running into your Romeo!

    With regards to pubs and clubs.. I've never met a girlfriend there. I've found it terrible in that regard, a lot of the girls seem only interested in a kiss and when you do get a number a date is not always on the cards.

    Internet dating- funnily enough I found a lot of the girls were only interested in casual relationships which is not quite for me. I also found that it's a very tough for both guys and girls- for different reasons. You could have whole threads written about the differences (in fact, it's on its second thread).

    I'm going to be a bit controversial- but some of the best relationships I've had are the ones where we have connected a deep emotional/intellectual level but I wouldn't have been blown away by their physical attractiveness. Ultimately looks fade with age and it's that deep connection that's gonna keep Romeo and Juliet in love as they grow old together.

    Another poster made a comment about Hollywood giving unrealistic expectations of attractiveness. I'd be inclined to agree for both genders- we're constantly bombarded by not only pictures of the world's most attractive people, but the world's most attractive people who have had an army of people prepare their make up, hair and clothes and then the photos are photoshopped! I'm a die hard romantic and sometimes it's a little hard to not feel a bit disillusioned at the whole thing.


  • #28
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I agree with what above posters have said.

    Looks aren't everything and they do fade. I've been with very attractive guys but they couldn't hold a conversation to save their life. Yes, they might be funny at the start but that's only because they want you to get into bed with them. After that they just toss you aside..

    I do regret not going on a second date with that guy, but I felt that I was going on my gut instinct. Which I find it very difficult to listen to- not just with dating but with lots of things..

    I think he was too eager to please me.. it was just too much too soon. It was a bit suffocating..


  • #29
    jeep37
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10 ✭jeep37


    C.D. wrote: »
    Another poster made a comment about Hollywood giving unrealistic expectations of attractiveness. I'd be inclined to agree for both genders- we're constantly bombarded by not only pictures of the world's most attractive people, but the world's most attractive people who have had an army of people prepare their make up, hair and clothes and then the photos are photoshopped! I'm a die hard romantic and sometimes it's a little hard to not feel a bit disillusioned at the whole thing.

    Hollywood may well be painting unrealistic ideals into the heads of both genders, but it seems to be only the females who are setting these ideals as their expectations. In an online dating survey, women rated 80% of men as being worse-looking than medium, while men's scale of women's physical attractiveness was around even (50% below average, 50% above average):

    http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-looks-and-online-dating/


  • #30
    snafuk35
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 833 ✭✭✭snafuk35


    wheres_romeo? wrote: »
    I'd like to know why it's so hard to meet a nice guy!

    I am a woman and I have been told that I am attractive, approachable and intelligent. People have always told me that I'm easy to talk to. It seems that they are desirable traits.

    Sometimes I'd talk to guys on a night out and I'd just be talking to them for about a minute or two and all of a sudden they'd say- "you're hot".

    Now, what I can't understand is- why doesn't this go any further than that?!

    I'm not desparate to meet a guy. I'm not on the "look-out" for one either. When I go out, I go out to chat to my friends not go on a man hunt.

    If a guy approaches me I talk to them- purely out of manners. They made the effort to talk to me... Sometimes, if the situation arises I initiate conversation too...

    Maybe because many men rarely get the chance to talk to a woman like you.
    They may be shy, they might be working hard or they might be hard up or they don't get to go out much. So obviously they are awkward around women. It's really hard for many men to even so much as say hello. Fear of rejection is very strong. So they don't know what to say and they say something stupid. It's possible you did indeed meet the man for you or men who could have been potential partners or husband material but you didn't give them a chance. Many of those men who knocked back might have been really hurt and went home and wept. That's not to say you should tolerate sleazy behavior or ill treatment but much of that kind of behavior is due to insecurity. Many men would fight great white sharks or bungee jump off cliffs before they would talk to a woman.


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  • #31
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    snafuk35..

    I think there is alot of sense in your post.

    I remember a few years ago.. a guy came up to me in the nightclub and he started chatting to me. He was literally shaking! I asked him, if he drinks (as I don't) and he said "of course I do, I needed a few to be able to talk to you". I started laughing at the idea that someone would need a bit of dutch courage to talk to me!! Anyway, we ended up going on a date but there was nothing really there. :(

    I undertand that it takes alot for people to go and introduce them to someone else. It's not only rejection from the person they like.. but I suppose it's also got to do with having to do the walk of shame back to friends!


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