Living next door to a toilet

Stripey Cat · 07-02-2012 12:52AM

I heard a story of a guy who shared a house in London where his tiny bedroom was basically just a partitioned off area of the bathroom.

The bathroom had been pretty big originally, so the landlord had built a wall and stuck a room with space for bed and a wardrobe in it. It was a very thin partition though, so you could hear and smell everything that went on in the bathroom.

His flatmates understood the situation, and tried not to use the toilet when he was in his room.

One night he brought his girlfriend home, and early the next morning woke up with a very strong need to, as the Christian Brothers used to say, empty his bowels.

He fought it for as long as he was able, but, eventually he knew he was going to have to take a dump. She was half awake now, but he just couldn't face going behind what was really just an inch-thick wall and doing something that would strain the romance of their relationship, to say the least.

What could he do though? Run to the pub on the corner? Not open. Wake her up and get her downstairs under some pretext? Knock on a neighbour's door? He was going crazy wondering what he could do.

Eventually he got up as quietly as he could, and went downstairs to the kitchen. There, he spread newspapers on the floor, did what he needed to do, and then rolled up the newspapers and took them to the bins outside. He washed his hands very carefully in the kitchen sink, went back to bed, and never told his girlfriend.

The story was told to me as an illustration of the difference between men and women.

iguana · 07-02-2012 12:54AM

TeddyTedson wrote: »

I actually had something like this for sleeping before and it was great. Played gentle drum beats, a crackling fire, the sea, crickets. Amazing. I really must get this again.

You can download those noises and play them on your computer/mp3 player. I have a bunch of wave sound files and I play them on my ipod in a speaker dock all night. It blocks out a lot of noises that I'd never sleep through otherwise.

Badgermonkey · 07-02-2012 12:54AM

boomkatalog wrote: »

Always woken up Wednesday mornings to the sound of someone vomiting

Still preferable to Jeremy Kyle & Homes Under the Hammer

Jesus Wept · 07-02-2012 12:56AM

antodeco wrote: »

Think of it as an ode to his work

You have done him proud imo.

TeddyTedson · 07-02-2012 12:56AM

iguana wrote: »

You can download those noises and play them on your computer/mp3 player. I have a bunch of wave sound files and I play them on my ipod in a speaker dock all night. It blocks out a lot of noises that I'd never sleep through otherwise.

Great site here,
http://www.soundsleeping.com/
It really does help a lot. Right, I'm off to bed!! Probably wake up before 5 but oh well, what ya gonna do.

stupidusername · 07-02-2012 01:00AM

you need to find a way to upset their routine. mess with their breakfast so that their pooing needs to be done then instead, or take note of the exact time every night and make sure the bathroom is otherwise engaged at that time for long enough so they'll not even bother checking if it's free at that time, and they'll go somewhere else or get into going at a different time.

AnonoBoy · 07-02-2012 01:01AM

I live next door to a house myself.

Mickey Lover · 07-02-2012 01:02AM

While we were waiting to move into our house we had to live with the in-laws for about a month. Our bedroom was next to the jacks.

Had recently lost my Mam so was very down and not sleeping and would usually spend most of the day in bed. One morning I woke up laughing out loud having no clue why, then cue the father in law like the phantom raspberry blower next door - sometimes you just gotta laugh

wilkie2006 · 07-02-2012 01:04AM

On a slightly related note:

Why do poos taper?

Because otherwise your arse cheeks would close with a clap sound.

TeddyTedson · 07-02-2012 01:04AM

Pacifist Pigeon wrote: »

Poor Teddy, poor, poor Teddy.

You've returned?

Gummy Panda · 07-02-2012 01:14AM

drunkmonkey wrote: »

I'd say you can nearly taste what they had for tea.

Sweet dreams:D

Haha

That's just mean

later12 · 07-02-2012 01:52AM

I shared a room with at least one other guy for about 20 years of my life, and I have lots of brothers. I think I'm pretty immune to bodily noises now. I hardly even notice them.

I think that's why I do that thing where I piss really loudly when I take a whizz, you know, lots of splashes,none of that 'on the bowl' malarky. It used to piss off my girlfriend really badly. Sometimes I just forget that people don't want that kind of noise around... so maybe just try telling your housemate how you feel. If you make a joke about it, ribbing him gently about it, he'll get the message and stop doing it, if he's reasonable.

And the reason I know it's a he is because girls only use toilets to put on their make-up and fix their hats, obviously.

Mike 1972 · 07-02-2012 02:44AM

TeddyTedson wrote: »

"Oh by the way could you stop taking noisy long ****es at 1AM in the morning please"...but a lot of pressure builds up or something ....and I get a throbbing pain. .

LOL

marcsignal · 07-02-2012 03:31AM

TeddyTedson wrote: »

I live next door to a toilet and it's absolutely disgusting. I'm about to go to bed now soon, so there will be total silence while I'm getting to sleep. Then just as I'm drifting off someone next door will slam the door and start having a late night crap.

I've considered getting ear plugs but a lot of pressure builds up or something in my ears then and I get a throbbing pain.
I just can't seem to win.
Anyone else ever have this issue.

yeah, my flatmate listens to Radio Nova as well :mad:

later12 · 07-02-2012 03:46AM

Stripey Cat wrote: »

I heard a story of a guy who shared a house in London where his tiny bedroom was basically just a partitioned off area of the bathroom. ..
The story was told to me as an illustration of the difference between men and women.

That reminds me of the story (possibly urban legend) of a girl who went back to her date's place with him at the end of the night. All goes great, they have an evening of wild, passionate lovemaking. Next morning he wakes her up before he leaves for work, and tells her to let herself out whenever she wants. Just pull the door out behind her. Off he goes.

So the girl gets out of bed and wanders about the house for a bit. Then she feels the need to take a huge dump, which she promptly does.

But there's a problem. Because the poo was soo heavy, it just won't flush. What can she do? No amount of flushing will shift it! She can't just leave it there. He'll never want to see her again.

So -- ever so carefully -- she gets a plastic bag, and gently manipulates the poo into the sack. She then takes it back to the bedroom and puts it on the bed while she brushes her hair and gets dressed for college. She gathers up all her things, walks out of the apartment, pulls the door behind her, quite satisfied with herself. And then the horrible realisation dawns on her.

She has fogotten her sack of shit -- she has just left a steaming, massive poo on the guy's bed. :eek:

Presumably the guy thought she was a total fruitcake for doing such a thing, and neither one ever tried to contact the other again.

TeddyTedson · 07-02-2012 05:50AM

TeddyTedson wrote: »

Great site here,
http://www.soundsleeping.com/
It really does help a lot. Right, I'm off to bed!! Probably wake up before 5 but oh well, what ya gonna do.

:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

sandmanporto · 07-02-2012 05:59AM

Move out then!
Or if you have the same landlord report her/he/them.

midlandsmissus · 07-02-2012 06:32AM

Stripey Cat wrote: »

I heard a story of a guy who shared a house in London where his tiny bedroom was basically just a partitioned off area of the bathroom.

The bathroom had been pretty big originally, so the landlord had built a wall and stuck a room with space for bed and a wardrobe in it. It was a very thin partition though, so you could hear and smell everything that went on in the bathroom.

His flatmates understood the situation, and tried not to use the toilet when he was in his room.

One night he brought his girlfriend home, and early the next morning woke up with a very strong need to, as the Christian Brothers used to say, empty his bowels.

He fought it for as long as he was able, but, eventually he knew he was going to have to take a dump. She was half awake now, but he just couldn't face going behind what was really just an inch-thick wall and doing something that would strain the romance of their relationship, to say the least.

What could he do though? Run to the pub on the corner? Not open. Wake her up and get her downstairs under some pretext? Knock on a neighbour's door? He was going crazy wondering what he could do.

Eventually he got up as quietly as he could, and went downstairs to the kitchen. There, he spread newspapers on the floor, did what he needed to do, and then rolled up the newspapers and took them to the bins outside. He washed his hands very carefully in the kitchen sink, went back to bed, and never told his girlfriend.

The story was told to me as an illustration of the difference between men and women.

Imagine if she had come downstairs.

later12 · 07-02-2012 06:38AM

^^^I was really hoping that was going to happen in the story.

Priceless if the girl arrived downstairs to see your man squatting over the kitchen floor taking a dump, like a cat in a litterbox. How could you even explain that? I'd say she'd be down the street before he even had time to wipe:pac:

cocoshovel · 07-02-2012 08:32AM

Sleep with some ambient sound in your room that wont disturb you, yet blocks out all the other sounds.
I sleep with my pc on and the fans are fairly loud on the new one I built so it blocks out nearly every sound outside my room to some extent yet doesnt disturb my sleep at all. Infact I slept a few weeks ago with it off and was disturbed several times by outside sound, I dont think I could sleep without it anymore.

Captain Darling · 07-02-2012 09:18AM

FatherLen wrote: »

everytime you hear them taking a dump late at night play a song, preferably one you wouldn't hear often so it would be memorable. only play when they are taking late night dumps but play the same song everytime. they will eventually spot the pattern and realise you know what they're up to and it might deter them to be so loud.

Or every other time they hear that song they sh1t their pants in public.

fonda · 07-02-2012 09:27AM

Drill 2 holes in the walls and get 2 glass eyes and tape them to said holes!

No ones gonna take a dump at 1am with 2 eyes staring at them!

If this fails add glow in the dark contacts to the eyes and rewire the bathroom light to your room and then switch it off half way thru their dump!

jester77 · 07-02-2012 09:45AM

Stick something like this on the door and write underneath,

"except between the hours of 7:00 - 23:00"

Mr Magners · 07-02-2012 10:04AM

later10 wrote: »

That reminds me of the story (possibly urban legend) of a girl who went back to her date's place with him at the end of the night. All goes great, they have an evening of wild, passionate lovemaking. Next morning he wakes her up before he leaves for work, and tells her to let herself out whenever she wants. Just pull the door out behind her. Off he goes.

So the girl gets out of bed and wanders about the house for a bit. Then she feels the need to take a huge dump, which she promptly does.

But there's a problem. Because the poo was soo heavy, it just won't flush. What can she do? No amount of flushing will shift it! She can't just leave it there. He'll never want to see her again.

So -- ever so carefully -- she gets a plastic bag, and gently manipulates the poo into the sack. She then takes it back to the bedroom and puts it on the bed while she brushes her hair and gets dressed for college. She gathers up all her things, walks out of the apartment, pulls the door behind her, quite satisfied with herself. And then the horrible realisation dawns on her.

She has fogotten her sack of shit -- she has just left a steaming, massive poo on the guy's bed. :eek:

Presumably the guy thought she was a total fruitcake for doing such a thing, and neither one ever tried to contact the other again.

That was an ad on American tv for a brand door locks if I remember correctly.

EDIT:Found it...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-IAerNSs40

later12 · 07-02-2012 11:19AM

Ah, kinda thought it was an urban myth alright.

Seriously long ad... but I'd love to see that on Irish tv

The Brigadier · 07-02-2012 11:53AM

I believe in Switzerland it is illegal to flush your toilet after 10pm.

Also men can't urinate standing up after 10pm.

It is all to do with noise and respect for neighbours.

Nothingbetter2d · 07-02-2012 12:07PM

TeddyTedson wrote: »

I live next door to a toilet and it's absolutely disgusting. I'm about to go to bed now soon, so there will be total silence while I'm getting to sleep. Then just as I'm drifting off someone next door will slam the door and start having a late night crap. I can hear all the grunting and horrible sounds it's absolute horrendous. They might be in there for over 20mins too.
How do you even bring something like this up with someone? "Oh by the way could you stop taking noisy long ****es at 1AM in the morning please"...:rolleyes:

I've considered getting ear plugs but a lot of pressure builds up or something in my ears then and I get a throbbing pain.
I just can't seem to win.
Anyone else ever have this issue.
At least it's not as bad as when I lived in an apartment briefly where many mornings I was woken by the people next door banging off the headboard. I'll try record it maybe later and upload the sound file so you can hear how loud it is.

sounds you live in a timber framed house... haha

JupiterKid · 07-02-2012 12:26PM

Well OP, just be thankful that you don't live in Portugal.

There are no flush toilets in Portugal...

Pacifist Pigeon · 07-02-2012 12:46PM

TeddyTedson wrote: »

You've returned?

I always come back for more, Teddy. *FLUSH*

Insect Overlord · 07-02-2012 02:39PM

Toilet, toilet. Who the fuck is toilet?

Living next door to a toilet

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