Have I outgrown them

Gannicus · 23-01-2012 08:45PM #1

Don't know if this is in the right place but here goes:

Over the last few months I have felt more and more distant from a lot of my closest mates. I know it sounds bad but it seems like I've out grown them.

Example: I'm saving to buy a place of my own and they are saying things like
"would you be bothered" and
"sure just stay living in your ma's gaf you get your dinner and washing done"

Other situations include trying to arrange holidays and they are more worried about saving money for a new video game coming out? Now before I go any further bear in mind that we are all in out mid-to-late 20's.

Am I wrong or being acrimonious to think that I am wasting my time hanging around with them or maintaining a friendship with them. In the long run I have spent less and less time around them and I will more than likely continue this trend but would I be over reacting if I just cut ties with them altogether. I just feel like banging my head against the wall when I spend more than a couple of leisurely hours with them. I think the main problem is that they all hang around in just this one social circle where as I have hobbies and work friends too.

Have any of you felt like this before or have any advice.

Eric Cartman · 23-01-2012 08:48PM

we all have some waster friends, get some friends with jobs and youll be grand

sideswipe · 23-01-2012 08:48PM

Don't Sweat it OP, this is just nature taking it's course. Everybody leaves school/college with too many friends so over the next few years you have to cull some. In 10 years you'll have a lot less, in 20 years you'll have only a few left but they'll be gooduns............... it's quality over quantity.

23-01-2012 08:48PM

Big Steve wrote: »

I just feel like banging my head against the wall when I spend more than a couple of leisurely hours with them.

I think you've answered your own question dude.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar · 23-01-2012 08:49PM

your friends would prefer to stay in and play videogames rather than go on holiday with you, take the hint

Fourteen · 23-01-2012 08:51PM

you'll make new friends the way you're going, but these friends you have now could still be fun to go out with at weekends or whatever, so don't be too quick to leave them completely.

Larianne · 23-01-2012 08:52PM

Sometimes its good to spring clean friendships. People grow apart, get interested in other things. Spend more time with people you actually want to spend time with.

Had to get rid of a passive-aggressive friend last year. Do I miss her company, no frickin way!

Jesus Shaves · 23-01-2012 08:55PM

I'll be your friend;)

Gannicus · 23-01-2012 08:56PM

Fourteen wrote: »

you'll make new friends the way you're going, but these friends you have now could still be fun to go out with at weekends or whatever, so don't be too quick to leave them completely.

That's the problem. They don't go out. they just sit in the same places on the sofa smoking spliffs, drinking cans and repeating this system almost daily. I mentioned going clay pigeon shooting next weekend and the "most" intelligent answer I got was "yeah lets get a load of cans, smoke a few doobs and shoot some guns"

Leo Dowling · 23-01-2012 08:59PM

Big Steve wrote: »

That's the problem. They don't go out. they just sit in the same places on the sofa smoking spliffs, drinking cans and repeating this system almost daily. I mentioned going clay pigeon shooting next weekend and the "most" intelligent answer I got was "yeah lets get a load of cans, smoke a few doobs and shoot some guns"

Sounds like a fair compromise.

Gannicus · 23-01-2012 08:59PM

darokane wrote: »

I'll be your friend;)

Cheers. I actually like Athlone. any time I'm down there I stay in the Prince Of Wales (Hotel) and hit the nightclub down stairs. Great spot.

Leo Dowling wrote: »

Sounds like a fair compromise.

Sounds like someone will be taking a trip to the morgue if you ask me.

quietriot · 23-01-2012 09:01PM

Big Steve wrote: »

I just feel like banging my head against the wall when I spend more than a couple of leisurely hours with them.

Then don't spend more than a couple of leisurely hours with them!

I think the main problem is that they all hang around in just this one social circle where as I have hobbies and work friends too.

So I take it these are friends from childhood/school/college? Presumably then, your closest friends?

Don't be too quick to just turn your back on them. They're friends for a reason. Everyone goes through the phases of life at different times and speeds to others and you're just ahead of your friends currently. It's a little concerning that they actively recommend staying at home with your mother, as I can't recall personally ever hearing someone recommend that.

One of my biggest regrets/mistakes I've made was burning friendships on the back of them not being in the exact same phase of life as me. We all mature, however not all friendships are mended.

Do your own thing - your hobbies, buying yourself a home, whatever else but keep up with them and spend some leisurely time with them. If you can't organise a holiday because they'd rather play video games, so what? Go on holiday by yourself or find even just one other person to go and chill out with you.

Something I would point out though is that if you're trying to organise "lads" holidays with them, or holidays in big groups, then you're not as grown up as you think you are

Reloc8 · 23-01-2012 09:06PM

They're in their mid to late twenties and live at home and have to save up to buy a video game ?

I hope you have outgrown them for your sake.

Robdude · 23-01-2012 09:06PM

Your friends are losers.

While you are working your butt off, putting in long hours, trying to advance your career and save money for yourself and your family; take solace in the fact that your tax dollars are funding their lifestyle.

Gannicus · 23-01-2012 09:11PM

I see where you are coming from quietriot. I'm just using a holiday as an example. It's anything really gigs, clay pigeon shooting, paint balling, quad biking, anything that's not part of a run of the mill weekend.

23-01-2012 09:17PM

Do they make u laugh? If so keep them they may or may not grow up but funny people are hard to find imo

quietriot · 23-01-2012 09:22PM

Big Steve wrote: »

I see where you are coming from quietriot. I'm just using a holiday as an example. It's anything really gigs, clay pigeon shooting, paint balling, quad biking, anything that's not part of a run of the mill weekend.

Well the problem with the run of the mill type weekend is the same people will mostly likely have budgeted for it and are expecting it, so when something else is suggested, they're in the mindset of whether it will compare to the weekend they were going to have.

I suppose it's kind of like when you're ordering takeaway from your local. Do you order the same dish every week or do you take a chance on something new, even though you might not like it? A lot would go for the same dish, I do mainly myself, as they know they'll enjoy it and that it represents good value for the money you're parting with. The same can go for activities and these guys are in a phase where this is what they enjoy and when you suggest something else, they look at it as money spent on something they might not enjoy, that will take away from the money they have for something they know they will enjoy.

What I will say though is that they will get bored of it. Friends I had went through the exact same thing of sitting around smoking pot and getting cans every weekend or even during the week, I was involved with it too, but eventually it gets so monotonous that even the heaviest stoner gets bored and wants to do something else.

You'll only hurt yourself though if you ditch them now, as they'll get bored and want to do these things you do, however they'll go off and do them without you since you ditched them. On the other hand, you'll be caught trying to organise things with your "new" friends who might be unfamiliar with each other, have their own things they do on the weekends with other friends/girlfriends/etc and you'll be there with s.f.a to do for yourself while your old friends enjoy themselves doing new things, and your new friends enjoy themselves doing their old things. It's difficult to explain but it's a very familiar situation to me.

You're clearly doing well for yourself so give yourself the best of both worlds, go out and smoke weed with your mates sometimes. The other times, go out with your other friends and shoot paintball. Find someone interested in a holiday or a gig and get them to commit to a booking and head off. If anything else, you taking these initiatives and showing your home friends that you're enjoying yourself NOT just sitting around smoking pot will inspire them to get off their arses and join in a lot quicker than just ditching them and leaving them to it.

Gannicus · 23-01-2012 09:55PM

I suppose it's just frustrating sometimes when I get out and say anyone fancy.... going here or doing this and the main response is "I'm too hungover" or I'm too drunk" or "I'm too stoned"

Boston Most Roadblock wrote: »

Do they make u laugh? If so keep them they may or may not grow up but funny people are hard to find imo

Not as often as they used to.

starbelgrade · 23-01-2012 09:57PM

Do you talk to your friends in bold too?

RichieC · 23-01-2012 10:01PM

You'd be ill advised to drop your long time friends for shinier new mates.

earpiece · 23-01-2012 10:06PM

You can have my friends, I don't really want them any more. I'll swap them for an x-box, any takers?

2 Miles From Narnia · 23-01-2012 10:08PM

You mentioned that you had work friends, and also that this group spend most of their days hanging around not doing much - are you one of the only ones in the group working at the moment? If so, maybe they can't afford holidays or the activities you're suggesting but don't want to have to say that so make fun of your suggestions instead? Have you tried suggesting some free stuff that still gets you all out into the fresh air?

It could just be that you have outgrown them, but if there's a chance that there are other issues bothering them that you're not aware of, it would be a real shame to throw away years of friendship. You always meet new people, but there's something really special about mates who share your childhood and teenage memories.

Gannicus · 23-01-2012 10:15PM

2 Miles From Narnia wrote: »

You mentioned that you had work friends, and also that this group spend most of their days hanging around not doing much - are you one of the only ones in the group working at the moment? If so, maybe they can't afford holidays or the activities you're suggesting but don't want to have to say that so make fun of your suggestions instead? Have you tried suggesting some free stuff that still gets you all out into the fresh air?

Yeah I've suggested going to see Giants Causeway, camping, all kinds of stuff. at the moment out of about 10 or 12 of us, 4 are not working at all 2 part time and the rest of us have full time jobs. one of the lads actually works cash in hand and get the dole (but that's a different story for a different day)

Plazaman · 23-01-2012 10:20PM

starbelgrade wrote: »

Do you talk to your friends in bold too?

Thought it was a Mod giving out yards about someone at the start there

But to the task at hand, OP certainly if you feel you have less and less in common with them then don't feel obliged to hang around with them BUT don't burn your bridges with them either, they're still your friends. It's not a major crime to expand your social circles as you get older so be selfish on occasions and do what you want to do. People change and it might be the case they may take a little bit longer.

wandatowell · 23-01-2012 10:21PM

They cant go on a holiday as they are saving for a video game!!!

Why cant they afford both??
Pretty sure a game is about 40 quid nowadays anyway

Deus Ex Machina · 23-01-2012 10:22PM

Blow your load on your mates.

FueledByAisling · 23-01-2012 10:22PM

I'm currently in the same position as you even though I'm a lot younger. I've been drifting away from friends who I wouldn't usually go a day without dropping a text to and now I haven't had any contact with them for a number of months. Originally I did feel guilty but as the weeks go on I realise it's for the best and I've no time for feeling sorry.

In my opinion you are doing the same as me, thinking of the future and spending your valuable free time with the right people and not wasting it away. You might feel crap now but in the end you'll be the one with the nice job while they're still living with mammy smoking spliffs and complaining about there being 'no jobs'.

okiss · 23-01-2012 10:57PM

Bigsteve it's good that you are moving on with your life even if your friends are not doing this yet. D'ont drop your present friends as they could have been there for you in the past and you don't know when you will need friends. I speak from experience in saying this.
I have seen people both male and female just plod along like your friends and then wonder why other people they know have holidays, cars, houses or are married and have families (if this is what you want).
For some people it is easy to get stuck in a rut but some times you have to willing to make an effort to move on your life. I moved away from home and had a number of different jobs. Things that did not always work the way I planed but I learned a lot on the way. I would ask one or two of your friends to do something different with you. If they go with you and enjoy it they will tell the others. I would still do the things you like with other new friends also.

Princess Peach · 24-01-2012 12:17AM

I outgrew a couple of my friends. Had a best friend for a few years and we grew apart and then fell out and don't talk at all. When I think about it now she was just a drinking buddy from my party girl days. When I started to act responsibly she couldn't deal with it and pushed me away.

Don't get me started on the holiday thing. We'll sit around one night and plan a holiday. I'll call them all the next week about booking flights, "Nah actually can't afford it." I went on holiday 4 times last year, piggybacked on friend in France's holiday, went to a music festival with my brothers' friends I had met once and twice with the boyfriend.

You just gotta realise it and move on and do your own thing.

Pacifist Pigeon · 24-01-2012 12:22AM

Last year (I was 19 at the time) I remember someone I know at college saying that he spent €500 on alcohol over the past week. Nobody else around him seemed to care but I was just sitting there saying WFT to myself.

Also, I can't understand how people my age (20, nearly 21) still care about video games so much. Last week, someone I know was moaning about the fact that he was beaten by a 12 year old in an online multi-player game.

Orando Broom · 24-01-2012 12:27AM

Big Steve, can I come at this from a different angle; perhaps you are a person of means and they are not. Perhaps rather than conflict with you and refrain from calling you out on your flaunting your affluence (this may be somewhat unconscious on your part) they are just staying stum. You have expensive taste in hobbies and if these guys have to save for video games then cash is tight with them.

It's ok to have ambition but don't forget your mates just because things are tight for them. It seems like they have not called you out on anything, which shows a good deal about their character. Friends who are materialistic and gauge others by their possessions more often than not disappoint as people, think before you say or do anything you may later regret.

Have I outgrown them

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